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I didn't think it would be this hard....


Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
August 29th, 2011, 06:13 AM
KaiyaRae'sMomma's Avatar Forever missing Kaiya Rae
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,840
Hi ladies. My loss is much different than the majority of you and the girls in TTAL. I didn't think the pregnancy part would be hard for me. I didn't think I would be any more worried than the norm about a miscarriage, but gosh, I'm going nuts. Every twinge, cramp, pain, and the fact that my cheapie test still had a super faint line today, didn't get darker, makes me so scared. It isn't fair, the loss of the blissfull, happy, yay baby, whooo, pregnant feeling. Why do any of us have to feel this way? I don't want to be scared. I want to be over the moon blissful happy pregnant girl. NOT blaming anyone here, but I think hearing all of the stories from TTCAL freaked me out! I was never overly concerned about a miscarriage, I thought it was going to be hard to bring a new baby home and worry about him/her sleeping and not breathing. Gahhhh! Can I just wake up tomorrow and be 20 weeks!? HELP! How do you stop the crazies!?
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  #2  
August 29th, 2011, 06:29 AM
KaiyaRae'sMomma's Avatar Forever missing Kaiya Rae
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Ok...adding that my test from today is actually quite a bit darker when compared to the cheapies from Sat. It is just not very dark in general, but I think it is the tests. I think the dye just isn't as dark, as the control line is much lighter than one on an FERE or regular Answer test....
Argh...Go away crazies!
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  #3  
August 29th, 2011, 06:29 AM
.:Shortcake:.'s Avatar ♬♪Music Soothes my Soul♪♬
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((HUGS)) It is hard and I think seeing how frequent it is makes it harder. Try to remember that every pregnancy is different. Try to keep busy. Also I know some of the ladies bought/rented a doppler and that helped keep their mind at ease hearing the baby's heartbeat. I hope that your pregnancy goes perfectly.
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  #4  
August 29th, 2011, 06:35 AM
KaiyaRae'sMomma's Avatar Forever missing Kaiya Rae
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Thank you Katie!
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  #5  
August 29th, 2011, 06:36 AM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I spend a lot of time posting in here as this is the place where the girls understand me. I was stressed from the second I got my Bfp to now. I am 27 weeks pregnant and at times I think "If I lose this baby everyone is going to have to throw all these clothes and diapers away because I don't want to come home to all of this".

Yeah, the innocence is gone. ((hugs)) We are here for you.
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  #6  
August 29th, 2011, 06:55 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Ontario, Canada
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I think that our losses are different (miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss), but the idea of loss is the same. What I mean is the terrifying knowledge that "Yes, it can happen to me" is something we have all experienced. I think that is why we are all terrified and worried regardless of where we are in the process of having a baby. I think what you're feeling is normal, and I share your frustration about it. We should be able to enjoy our pregnancies, and in our own way we do, it's just not the same as it was before we lost our innocence. I mean, I was happy with all the milestones (positive test, u/s, movement) with my living son, but I didn't weep with joy as I did with my other children.
I'm sorry that you have to go through the crazies, but we've all been there and will help you every step of the way. I found it helped to focus on the here and now, rather than the future. I hope it gets easier for you!
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  #7  
August 29th, 2011, 08:58 AM
ohnicole's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm sorry that you're dealing with so much anxiety right now- it's just hard, especially early on in the pregnancy. I hope that the ladies here can give you some support- we're here whenever you need to vent!
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  #8  
August 29th, 2011, 10:12 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I'm right there with you. I try to keep telling myself that all will be fine but sometimes I wonder. I know it is in God's hand and his will be done. Praying he will give you peace and a happy pregnancy.
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  #9  
August 29th, 2011, 10:15 AM
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I'm so sorry, those feelings during early pregnancy really really suck and can get you down Venting here was always really helpful for me!
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  #10  
August 29th, 2011, 10:30 AM
babyandbriana's Avatar Veteran
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Posts: 198
Oh BOY do I pick up what you're puttin' down... MmmmHMMM. It's so hard. I wish I could just be happy and excited ALL the time, but I still panic. My mantra has been "2%, 2%, 2%" lately... I read somewhere that once you see a heartbeat on an ultrasound your risk of m/c goes down to 2%. Not a CLUE if that's true or not, and if it isn't I don't want to know... because some days it's the only thing that gets me through. It's scary to go through a pregnancy after a loss. I pretty much bailed on my DDC... there were a lot of dramatic posts and I just didn't need it. I needed something calm and encouraging. Not that we're always CALM here But still...

I hope that you can take some comfort from venting to us... we have ALL been there.
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  #11  
August 29th, 2011, 10:36 AM
ashj_1218's Avatar Hiya!
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Being blindsided by the feelings make them even worse...at least it did for me. I thought, since my losses were all early, that I would be A-OK once I passed that 13 week milestone and things were still going well.

WRONG-O. I have been a nervous wreck this entire pregnancy and I don't see it going away any time soon. I even talked my doc into NST starting two weeks before he was going to start them, simply because I am so scared something is going to happen to this baby.

I totally think Laurie hit the mark on the head...it is the loss of innocence and the knowledge that it *can* happen to us. It has and we survived, but the questions remains: Would we survive it again? I think that keeps us scared over every twinge, cramp, weird feeling, or mental game we are playing with ourselves. It will come and go. After getting really good news I was on a high for a day or two. Then fear crept back in. And I think that is pretty normal for the ladies in here. You will hear someone flipping out one day and three days later they are feeling great and positive. You just have to ride the waves and do what it takes to stay sane. Get a good doc and make sure they are okay with you being neurotic. Mine is fine with it...and mostly does things that ease my mind. And surround yourself with supportive people in real life too. I think that it helps greatly to have a system where you can break down and they can help pick you up
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  #12  
August 29th, 2011, 11:13 AM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Just want to let you know your not alone. No matter what our experiences have been, multiple loss's, still birth, death of an infant, we have all been through something tramatic for us. Although my loss's were early, I worry about all the other things that could go wrong too.....were all here for you, PAL after any type of loss is very difficult and hopefully we'll all get through this together!
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  #13  
August 29th, 2011, 01:53 PM
KaiyaRae'sMomma's Avatar Forever missing Kaiya Rae
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Thanks everyone. I'm about to start another neurotic post.
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  #14  
August 29th, 2011, 02:47 PM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
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Sorry you are so worried. Please post whenever you need to. We all understand even if we come from different paths. Welcome and congratulations.
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  #15  
August 29th, 2011, 02:47 PM
luvmykids623's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You are definitely not alone. I've had 3 1st trimester losses, and do not feel relief until the baby is in my arms. Then after we're home from the hospital, a new kind of worry starts. I worry that baby will go to sleep and not wake up. I'm a neurotic worrier, so I've never figured out how to get rid of the crazies.
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  #16  
August 29th, 2011, 09:04 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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I know what you are feeling. Even though I never had a late loss (both of mine were before 7 weeks), I was terrified of a late first trimester, second trimester, or even stillborn loss just because I know what the ladies here have been through. It's hard to be part of this forum and empathize with the ladies here without picking up on some of those fears. I almost had to take a break during the first trimester because it was stressing me out, but the support offered makes it well worth it.

Congrats on your new pregnancy, and I hope it is an uneventful one for you!
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  #17  
August 29th, 2011, 09:25 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I totally agree with Laurie. We know the reality of loss, whenever it happens, and becoming pregnant again is putting you in the position of the possibility of it happening again.

If you never got pregnant again, you'd never have the possibility of another loss. Once you become pregnant, all control is gone, and that is scary.

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  #18  
August 30th, 2011, 11:17 AM
KaiyaRae'sMomma's Avatar Forever missing Kaiya Rae
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Thanks for all the kind words ladies.
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  #19  
August 30th, 2011, 05:44 PM
Gaby&Emmy'sMama's Avatar aka NZ-Emma
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(((Kaiya))) I think any form of loss destroys the innocence of pregnancy... growing up, we don't imagine that ANYTHING bad could happen to us during pregnancy, or to our children afterward - that those things just 'dont happen' to people like me... and then when they do happen, you start to see things in a whole other light.... Being pregnant after loss is really hard, I don't know that there's a member here who hasn't felt it... As much as it sucks to be feeling this way, at least there are a great group of women here who DO understand... I know I found this board a really wonderful source of support during both of my pregnancies with my DD's....

sending tonnes and tonnes of sticky vibes your way ((hugs))
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