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How do you feel about DH/SO?


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  #1  
December 2nd, 2011, 06:46 AM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Ever since having Scarlett I feel like my whole world has been turned upside-down. (For the most part in a good way). But at the same time I feel like Red's life stayed the same. I spend most of my day doing laundry, taking care of the baby, washing bottles, cooking dinner ect... and am really tired and cranky by 7pm. I barely have time to go to the bathroom.

I see him still working out everyday, he takes a shower before 5pm, he is working, watching movies and TV and Football... I feel like while I am a hot mess he is all relaxed in his previous life still. Please do not get me wrong - he will help out with her as much as I need him too. He basically forced me to go to Walmart without her last night to get some "me" time while he took care of her.

I spoke to him twice about it and he says that he feels his life is completely different as a lot of the decisions he is making in his business and personal life are centered around her and what is good for her. He told me to ask you girls if what I am feeling is normal or am I going through a jealousy phase because of the lifestyle change?

Has anyone experienced this before? Have you ever been jealous of your husbands/so's life?



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Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
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Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.



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  #2  
December 2nd, 2011, 07:17 AM
ohnicole's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think it is normal, Missy. I have also been having some feelings of resentment about my DH. I feel like I take care of Nora 22 hours a day, making her my top priority, and he holds her for a couple hours a day while she is sleeping and then goes about his normal life. It feels like he is not making much effort to leave work at a normal time or get up at a normal time on the weekends or help me out much.

But at the same time I know he doesn't want to have to go to work and not see Nora all day and he is probably a little jealous that I am the only one who gets to feed her. So I can see his side too, but it doesn't mean I don't feel alone and overworked sometimes.

I'm not sure what to do about feeling this way, Missy, but you are not the only one
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  #3  
December 2nd, 2011, 07:17 AM
KeepingFaith's Avatar *~Mom to Faith Marie~*
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My DH likes to think he is a bachelor like most of his buddies, and it can be frustrating at times. We had a big fight two weeks ago about it, I was getting nervous how hard it would be with the new baby and him still thinking he can live this lifestyle. I really feel like he heard me and seems to have straightened his priorities more. I know he was good when DD was born but we have one of his buddies renting our finished basement and they have a serious "bromance" haha. They just needs us to tell them how feel or else they will keep going on with life as usual.
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  #4  
December 2nd, 2011, 08:17 AM
lindsey2000k's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Madison is going to be 4 in 2 days and I still feel this way.
He comes home from work and plops his ***** on the couch but I still have to cook, deal with maidsons attitude, give her a bath and put her to bed and he stays on the couch the whole time.
He will get up and help if I ask/beg but then its like he wants a big award because he gave HIS child a bath.
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  #5  
December 2nd, 2011, 08:25 AM
onedaysoon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Definitely! It drives me nuts when he complains about not having time to relax when I barely have time to shower! And then doesn't understand when I'm too tired or not in the mood for sex!

Sure, he has to work, but at least he gets time by himself even if it is writing invoices...etc. Last night i couldn't even eat because the 2 kids were in a "mood" all night and DH wasn't home till after DDs bedtime.

Well, that's off my chest! I'm glad you asked that Missy, now I know too that I'm not tge only one feeling this way.
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  #6  
December 2nd, 2011, 08:56 AM
mom2moose
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Originally Posted by onedaysoon View Post
Definitely! It drives me nuts when he complains about not having time to relax when I barely have time to shower! And then doesn't understand when I'm too tired or not in the mood for sex!

Sure, he has to work, but at least he gets time by himself even if it is writing invoices...etc. Last night i couldn't even eat because the 2 kids were in a "mood" all night and DH wasn't home till after DDs bedtime.

Well, that's off my chest! I'm glad you asked that Missy, now I know too that I'm not tge only one feeling this way.
Ditto to all of this.
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  #7  
December 2nd, 2011, 08:58 AM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
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I guess I am lucky. My DH doesn't do much for Marsi compared to me, but he does do quite a bit for me. He cooks breakfast and does the dishes. He feeds Marsi 1-2 times a day. If I have places to go, he takes care of her for a little while. Mostly, since he is unemployed, he applies for jobs for a couple of hours then plays Diablo or watches movies. He will help me when I ask him, but he doesn't actually offer much help at all. Even if I am going to sleep and he should be putting her to bed, if she cries, it is my job to put her to sleep.

What you are feeling is normal. I have had a couple of outbursts at DH while he was playing his games while I have a screaming child trying to warm her bottle up or pump.
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  #8  
December 2nd, 2011, 10:14 AM
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Missy I think it's completely normal. I also think it will get better/easier with time as you both get into the role of having a newborn in the house. I know it's frustrating so vent away here We get you!
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  #9  
December 2nd, 2011, 10:15 AM
Shadeauxe's Avatar It's me
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My husband is great. He always helps out. There are some things he never does around the house (laundry/cleaning our room/etc) but there are things he does that I never do (mowing the lawn/picking up our son from daycare/etc). I see it as pretty even split. He watches our son on Saturday so I can do whatever I want and I watch him on Sunday so he can go out and do whatever he wants (play football).

I am somewhat concerned about how this dynamic will change with two children, but my mother lives with me too, so that's also a huge help.
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  #10  
December 2nd, 2011, 10:44 AM
LindseyE117's Avatar Wookie's Girl
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I may be another lucky one. James is awesome. He works all day and comes home to help me. I always have dinner ready and the kitchen clean, but on the weekends, he helps me with all the heavy stuff in the house now that I am pregnant. Plus I am no longer allowed to do yard work (he would get mad at me anyway when I did). He helps a lot with the kids too, but it does make him in a foul mood (I've been telling him to stop dealing with them if he gets angry, but he insists on helping even when he is not needed ).

I will say though that I am terrified when the baby comes though. He's scared to death of babies, as he has never even held one, but he is looking forward to the baby being here. I will say though that it may change one he realizes how little sleep he is going to get.
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  #11  
December 2nd, 2011, 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted by LindseyE117 View Post
I will say though that I am terrified when the baby comes though. He's scared to death of babies, as he has never even held one, but he is looking forward to the baby being here. I will say though that it may change one he realizes how little sleep he is going to get.
My DH was the same way before Reagan, we took an infant care class, so he would feel more comfortable with certain things, I made him be around his 2 nieces, hold them, etc and it really helped, do you have any friends or relatives that have babies that you can take him around to get used to it? I also think it changes when it is their own...my DH was great too, for the most part. He would get up when I did most times, even though he couldn't feed her. He would take change her, I would feed her and then he would take her if I needed to pump. There were many times though that I had a meltdown because I felt like I was alone in some aspects. You are definitely not alone, I know there are lots of couples that go through that, I know my SIL and BIL went through it with my niece's birth, my BFF went through it with her baby too...I think it is completely normal!

I think we just have to make sure we talk to them about it, without making them feel like we are saying they don't do anything, especially if they are helping a little, they may not realize how much they aren't helping. They think, I am working during the day, you aren't, but the truth is (and my DH learned this when he was unemployed and home with our DD all day by himself), having a newborn is just as hard, if not harder to take care of then going to work everyday!

HUGS!!
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  #12  
December 2nd, 2011, 01:01 PM
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My husband is pretty amazing, I think. He does so much for my son and me.
I won't brag too much.
It will change if he goes to state trooper training in the next year but I am soaking it in for now.
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  #13  
December 2nd, 2011, 02:42 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Originally Posted by NsMommy View Post
My husband is pretty amazing, I think. He does so much for my son and me.
I won't brag too much.
It will change if he goes to state trooper training in the next year but I am soaking it in for now.
Please do brag! Does he do it on his own or do you tell him what needs to be done? How did the communication start with what your families needs are?

My husband just said that I am taking on too much with Scarlett and I need to communicate more with him.

I really love that you all shared your stories - I feel so much less alone with what I am/was feeling. You girls are so awesome!!
__________________

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
.
Do not ever give up hope...


Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.



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  #14  
December 2nd, 2011, 09:15 PM
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Missy, I agree what you are feeling is normal. I've been in this state for a few weeks longer than you, and I still feel like I don't have my act together and I'm still learning the ropes with a newborn, while my husband goes about his normal routine. My dh does try to help, but he can only do so much since I am breastfeeding AND she prefers to be comforted by me. I think he actually gets jealous and frustrated because she'll only tolerate him for a short period, so there's that part of it, too. He's worried because he will be taking two weeks off to watch her when I go back to work in January, and he's worried that she's not going to like him as much as she likes me. I worry that she will stop liking me as much, although it will be nice to see him get a taste of my life these past 7 weeks. I'm rambling, but I guess my point is that it's normal and he probably has other concerns from his perspective.
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  #15  
December 2nd, 2011, 10:14 PM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Missy, Im going through almost the same thing. Want to shed a different light on it for you though, since we are in very similar situations.

Jerry does ALOT, I mean, A L O T!! But it still is not good enough for me, no matter how much he does. He cooks, cleans, works all day, takes care of BOTH babies. I feel as if nothing he does will ever make me feel better and it all comes down to this......being unemployeed sucks. We worked all of our lives, and now suddenly were thrown into stay at home moms.......we are completely out of our environment. Im super jealous of only the fact that Jerry gets to go to work every day.....talk to adults, make money, provide for his family. All of the things I used to do. So no matter how much he does in the house, it does not make me feel any better. I told him today that I may not be happy until I get a job, and there's nothing he can do/say to help me. Its my issue, not his. I only try not to take it out on him as much as I have been because the kids are even telling me how I take advantage of him lately. I feel horrible in doing so, but Im working on it.

Does this make sense? Sorry I got so long winded, lol
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  #16  
December 3rd, 2011, 05:53 AM
StaceygirlPa's Avatar Waiting for our Miracle.
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Missy I think Lori said it all. You have always worked all of your life. This is the first time you haven't worked. You aren't use to it. I think what you are feeling is totally normal. We don't have baby yet but I felt things towards Bill after I left work. I felt like I was the one stuck at home doing all the work and he was able to go out and work and do what we wanted to do.
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  #17  
December 3rd, 2011, 06:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missy123 View Post
Please do brag! Does he do it on his own or do you tell him what needs to be done? How did the communication start with what your families needs are?

My husband just said that I am taking on too much with Scarlett and I need to communicate more with him.

I really love that you all shared your stories - I feel so much less alone with what I am/was feeling. You girls are so awesome!!
I think it was mostly how he was raised. He really stood out from the crowd when I met him. If I ask for help, sometimes he grumbles but mostly he just does things either on his own or when I ask.
I haven't vacuumed in years but the floors are regularly done.

The whole time I have been on limitations, he has checked off things on our list even before I reminded him.

And he has always been active in raising our son. Changes diapers, teaches him things, bath time. We are partners in this because we want to help each other, I guess.

I won't say he's perfect because he has his ups and downs. He has been out of work for over a year and intended to start a business that didn't really take off. When things get to him, I am just really positive and encouraging.
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  #18  
December 3rd, 2011, 06:50 AM
kaylakay's Avatar Love Being A Mommy
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As I do not have children yet I am fearful of this... Right now DH and I have a weird relationship. He works full time and goes to school at night so he's super busy. I only work 2 12 hour shifts a week and chose not to go to school again until baby is born. Since my pregnancy makes me exhausted I have been asking DH for more help he will do it but I have to ask AND sometimes he will give me attitude. He will say something like "you have 5 days off a week you can do it" which yes is true... I just am not normal anymore I used to go on cleaning rampages but now I can't even clean one room without feeling worn.


DH is taking next semester off school and getting a night job so we have some extra money for the LO. So hopefully that helps. But as to when it's born... I have no idea. I would like to split responsiblity half and half if possible since I may go back to working full time.
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  #19  
December 3rd, 2011, 04:37 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by momof6lopez View Post
It all comes down to this......being unemployeed sucks. We worked all of our lives, and now suddenly were thrown into stay at home moms.......we are completely out of our environment. Im super jealous of only the fact that Jerry gets to go to work every day.....talk to adults, make money, provide for his family. All of the things I used to do. So no matter how much he does in the house, it does not make me feel any better. I told him today that I may not be happy until I get a job, and there's nothing he can do/say to help me. Its my issue, not his. I only try not to take it out on him as much as I have been because the kids are even telling me how I take advantage of him lately. I feel horrible in doing so, but Im working on it.

Does this make sense? Sorry I got so long winded, lol
You totally filled in the missing pieces for me Lori. You are so right. I hate the fact that I am going to have to ask him for money to pay bills ect.... You always get into my head and know what is going on with me. Love you tons.
__________________

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
.
Do not ever give up hope...


Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.



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  #20  
December 3rd, 2011, 09:10 PM
tobi4's Avatar Tobi
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For me its not so much the working aspect, and having to ask for things, although that really p'es me off. I hate hate hate the fact that he goes to work during the day and still goes to the gym! What about my health? More specifically my mental health? Colton is super needy, Ive never met such a fussy baby before. I can barely put him down during the day. I am relying of throwing ready made food into a pot each night for the kids to eat dinner cause I do not have time to cook a regular meal. I can feel myself falling into a depression. I told him yesterday that I think the only person in my life that would be affected by losing me, is the baby and he wouldnt even remember me in a week. He needs to take that hour and a half that he takes to make HIM healthy and give it to me, to spend doing whatever I need to do for myself. Not laundry, not tidying or whatever. To spend on myself. Im not even exagerating when I tell you that although I would find time to shower everyday, I never had time to dry my hair so it started to smell like mold, from always being wet. I think Ive hijacked your thread Missy, Im sorry. Im just feeling overwhelmed with anger towards him. And like so many others have said, he does so much, he really does. So how can I rightfully complain? Plus our relationship has gone to crap, hes like a friend now. Now like my partner. BAH! I am so stinking angry! (Ok Im done now) Sorry again.
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