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late loss mentioned (not mine)


Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
January 3rd, 2012, 11:22 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Wisconsin
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One of my best friends was a week ahead of me with this pregnancy. She went in for her 20 week u/s in december and the baby wasn't very active. They told her she had a long cord and a large placenta, but couldn't really measure a lot of things b/c the baby just wouldn't move. Her Dr was terrible about the whole thing and she had to fight to get another appt today. She just sent me a text saying that they couldn't find a heartbeat. she is being induced tomorrow. I just don't know what to say or do. I also feel like my babies will be a constant reminder of her loss. I've had a lot of miscarriages and so has she, but they were all very early - not like this at all. I guess I don't really have a question, but any advice or experience about it would be great.
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  #2  
January 3rd, 2012, 11:34 AM
Shadeauxe's Avatar It's me
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Massachusetts
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I don't have any advice but it's always sad to find out someone has to go through something like this. Certainly, a miscarriage at 8 weeks (what I had) is not something I would ever hope for, but a late loss has to be completely devastating.
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  #3  
January 3rd, 2012, 01:52 PM
mom2moose
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shadeauxe View Post
I don't have any advice but it's always sad to find out someone has to go through something like this. Certainly, a miscarriage at 8 weeks (what I had) is not something I would ever hope for, but a late loss has to be completely devastating.
Ditto to this. I'm sorry your friend is going through this.
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  #4  
January 3rd, 2012, 02:06 PM
lindsey2000k's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Im so sorry.
I would just try to make food and such for them and be there for her unless she pushes you away.
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  #5  
January 4th, 2012, 09:28 AM
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How awful! We have had a friend that has lost 2 babies at 32 weeks each time, I am very cautious as to what I post on FB, etc, because I don't want to "flaunt" my pg. I know how hard it is to lose soemthing that you want so badly, I had a loss at 8 weeks and one at 12 (this one we had seen a seemingly healthy baby on u/s more than once). It is not something I would wish on anyone and is so devastating to hear about. I would offer her support, but watch for signs from her that she needs space.

Praying for your friend!
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  #6  
January 4th, 2012, 09:36 AM
Mamacc's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Poor thing!! How sad That is my worst nightmare with this pregnancy since I had a similar experience with my last pg where I went in all happy for my 18 week U/S only to find out that there was no amniotic fluid.

I agree with the others, just be there for her.
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  #7  
January 4th, 2012, 09:43 AM
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I had a friend go through a later loss. (At 28 weeks) The advice I can offer is be there for her. After all is said and done everyone else will go on with their lives but she will need people the most then. If she names the baby call the baby by it's name. Not talking about it won't help her and it actually helps them to talk about it. It helps to know that you remember their child. I also bought her a necklace. I'll see if I can find the link to it. If you need to talk I'm here hun.
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  #8  
January 4th, 2012, 09:56 AM
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My heart breaks for her. Unfortunately I have been there as well, having a loss at 21 weeks. Ours was slightly different (as they all are) in that our baby was alive but completely paralyzed from the neck down due to severe spina bifida. We ultimately terminated the pregnancy and it was just awful.

I do have some advice for your friend (aside from the obvious allowing herself to grieve as much as she needs to). Make sure that the doctors do some tissue tests to find out why this happened. It may seem so insignificant now since it won't save the baby, but it will prove invaluable later when they try again, and some doctors won't do this without request. In our case, we wanted to make sure whether it was genetic or not (it was not) and then I took further tests to find out i have the MTHFR mutuation that makes it hard to process folic acid. I wasn't sure i wanted to try again, but my doctor insisted on the tests so i could be prepared and i'm so glad she did. Similarly, with my missed miscarriage at 13 weeks later, we were able to diagnose the specific trisomy to then test to see if dh or i were a carrier for it, or if it was a fluke (we didn't get to the carrier tests as i conceived fairly quickly with this pregnancy). It's important for her to know that there is so much they can do if only you know what is causing the losses, and with the earlier miscarriages, you often can't test any tissue.
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  #9  
January 5th, 2012, 06:54 AM
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thank you for the advice ladies. So far she's been texting me and keeping me updated with what's going on - pretty normal for us. I feel so bad for her. Thank you for your support. it's nice to have people like you who understand - unfortunately - and where I can talk about how this affects me. Since we were due so close together we talked about ALL our pregnancy stuff with eachother. now I feel like I'll be scared to even tell her that I had the babies. ugh, this stuff just sucks. thanks girls.
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  #10  
January 5th, 2012, 08:18 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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You know, my best friend and I were pregnant together. Her Katy was born not quite 2 months after Cora died. One of the hardest parts for me was that I felt bad for not being just completely happy for her. I mean, I WAS happy for her, but I was sad for me too, and I felt guilty that her happiness made me sad.

So let her know that it's okay that it makes her sad too. That you won't be upset for her being upset too. But DON'T just shut her out either. Ask her how she wants to deal with it, because suddenly losing that connection with my best friend almost made me feel like I was losing my best friend and that was just one more hurt.

When I first met Katy, Telima cried first. I can't tell you how much that meant to me, that my loss was something that affected her too. That even though her baby lived, she lost something when my baby died.

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  #11  
January 6th, 2012, 07:05 AM
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Beccabe and Brittanie - just one more question for you - since we were due together we talked about being pregnant and baby stuff every day. Now I feel like I shouldn't even mention my babies to her at all, which is completely fine with me, i understand. If she brings it up I guess i'll answer her, but if she never does, how do i handle telling her about the birth? Just call and let her know? should I tell her DH and let him tell her? last time we just texted everyone a pic of my DS with his name, but I feel that might be a little too much for her. thoughts?
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  #12  
January 6th, 2012, 07:38 AM
*SamF*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Becca and Britt hit it all on the head.
ALl I would add is- don;t take it personally if after you give birth she distances herself for a while. Eventually she will heal enough to be able to handle it. I'd also give it a month or so then ask her how she want you to tell her when you give birth, she may want to be even more involved, or not at all.

She of course is living most of ours worst nightmare. T&P's to her.
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  #13  
January 6th, 2012, 07:39 AM
Pitridge's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Be there for me, give her sometime before talking to her about baby stuff, she might need sometime before she can start taking about baby stuff again. Just know that she might push away, don't take it personal, still be there for her.
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  #14  
January 8th, 2012, 03:18 PM
Trish36's Avatar Mom of 4
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so sorry for your friend's loss. I think you've got some great advise.
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