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I think I'm struggling...


Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
May 15th, 2012, 05:13 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Montana
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You wouldn't think so to watch me or hear me talk. But I'm feeling so detached. I'll be 11 weeks tomorrow. I'm farther than I've ever made it before. I'm pretty sure that I found the heartbeat on the Doppler just before 10 weeks, though I havenít been able to find it again. I have an appointment with the midwife Thursday morning, just for a heartbeat check. If we canít find it Iíll probably try to get in to the free clinic in the next town for a quick ultrasound to reassure myself.

But I feel like Iím just waiting for something bad to happen. Iíve been weepy and a little depressed for no good reason. I just realized that I havenít been posting in my DDC much and that I havenít made any progress on the nursery decorating that I was so excited for a couple of weeks ago. I realized today that I just might not believe that this is going to happen. I talk about having a baby for Christmas, but it just doesnít feel real. I just canít make myself believe that Iím going to get this. I think Iím afraid of hurting even more than the first two times.

I know that everyone here can relateÖ just wondering if there was some time when it just kind of clicks? When you actually started believing that you were going to be taking a baby home with you?
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  #2  
May 15th, 2012, 05:22 PM
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What you are feeling is normal. I know that for me I won't feel comfortable until I'm holding a baby in my arms. I think that as the pregnancy goes on it will get better for you but I truly do not think you will feel better until the baby is here.
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  #3  
May 15th, 2012, 05:32 PM
StaceygirlPa's Avatar Waiting for our Miracle.
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I think what you are feeling is normal. I never believed I would be holding a baby until they put Cody in my arms yesterday.
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  #4  
May 15th, 2012, 05:45 PM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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For me, each milestone that has passed has made me a little more confident that I'll be taking home a baby in November. One real turning point for me was when my OB started talking as if she truly believed I would carry the baby for the long-term instead of feeling like she was being cautious and believing I might lose the baby. Today's appt, seeing the baby moving, and finding out that everything looks great so far also went a long way in reassuring me. I think I'll still have my moments of doubt until I'm holding the baby in my arms, but at least it's getting easier to believe and I'm more excited about the pregnancy than afraid now.
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  #5  
May 15th, 2012, 05:48 PM
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Sorry you're feeling that way as the others have said though, it's completely normal!
I agree with what everyone else has said. Each milestone made me feel a little bit better and a little bit better, but I never really knew that it was going to happen until I had her in my arms.
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  #6  
May 15th, 2012, 05:52 PM
Hopefulpinkangel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I agree with Robyn. As time goes on, I do believe more and more that I will be holding this baby. The fear never really goes away, but it does make room for hope as time goes on.
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  #7  
May 15th, 2012, 06:11 PM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Not hearing the h/b will do horrible things to your mind, I know it does to me when I have gone a day or so without hearing it. I need to hear it on a daily basis, to remind myself that there is a baby in there. I hope your dr. appt gives you back your confidence and you can relax a little. This is all normal......I felt detached with my first rainbow baby until the NT scan.....and not fully attached until my 20wk scan.
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  #8  
May 16th, 2012, 04:28 PM
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Thanks ladies... I'm so bad at waiting but since I have no choice that's just what I'll do. I talked and cried with DH a bit last night and he's having some of the same fear. It just seems too good to be true right now.

I'm just going to hang on to the fact that there's no "rational" reason for me to worry right now and try to keep myself busy. And hope that I have a very active baby that kicks a lot and early! I love coming to this board and especially seeing the mamas here get their rainbow babies... it does help me feel a tiny bit of hope!
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  #9  
May 17th, 2012, 11:30 AM
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  #10  
May 17th, 2012, 01:13 PM
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I am sure we all can relate. I've past already all 3 m/c dates and I'm still fearing bathroom trips. I am dying to get back home tomorrow so I can grab the monitor and see if I can hear the baby. Still haven't been able to hear heartbeat but when I checked last Sunday, he/she was moving a ton.

It takes time and I don't the fear leaves until you hold the baby for the first time
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  #11  
May 17th, 2012, 02:52 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I'm with Stacey, I never really believe it until I'm holding them and they actually come home with me.

I think detachment is normal, and perfectly fine even. I especially agree with Lori about the heartbeat. I think that's the reason I never rented a doppler. Especially as early as you are, it's possible and probable that it's just that you can't find the heartbeat, not that it's not there. I've had OBs not even try the doppler until after 12 weeks, and even then take a while to find it (talk about panic in the OBs office!).

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  #12  
May 17th, 2012, 03:39 PM
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Well the midwife found the heartbeat without any problem this morning! And it turns out I've been looking way too low - my uterus is a bit further above my pubic bone than I thought. Now I'm anxious to try on my doppler and see if I can find it. Because it certainly helped to hear that little "chugga chugga chugga". Of course my wonderful midwife said that anytime I needed to go in for a check for reassurance to just call her.
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  #13  
May 23rd, 2012, 01:37 PM
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I am just seeing this, but I am so glad that your MW was able to reassure you. I do agree, the attachment will come with time and that time may not be until you are holding that LO in your arms for the first time. I have had my moments back and forth, I think I will really feel the best when baby is in my arms!
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  #14  
May 24th, 2012, 04:05 PM
Moldovandish's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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yay for finding the heartbeat! I know how you feel. I felt like this for most of the first trimester and probably till the anatomy scan. It helped to get a doppler and listen to the heartbeat at home. Now it helps to feel the baby move. But I won't completely be at ease till I have this baby in my arms.
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