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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
June 24th, 2012, 04:26 PM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm cross-posting this from my journal:

My mom e-mailed me about how she can be involved once Sean arrives. She said she always pictured being able to come over and help with the cooking and cleaning but of course now it takes all her energy just to stay awake and talk for a few hours. She wants to be able to come over when Sean is born but doesn't want to get in the way. I'm not sure what to say. It's so hard. Since I'm staying at home with Sean I think I might drive down to my parents' every Friday or every other Friday (my dad always works a 1/2 day on Friday, so it's a perfect day for it) so my mom can get as much time as possible with her grandchild while she's still here. I'm just really not sure how it'd work with her coming over and staying with us. Someone would need to be here to take care of her and she wouldn't be able to get the amount of sleep she needs because Sean won't be sleeping through the night. I wish she'd talk these things through with my dad before mentioning them to me. She does this all the time. She also wants to go shopping for Sean with me, but of course that would mean having someone else come with us, too, because I can't take care of her in her wheelchair (my mom weighs probably 250-300lbs too much for me to do while pregnant). It's a sucky situation all around. I can't even imagine if this was my dad instead of my mom, since my mom and I had a horrible relationship and I'm taking it this hard.

I'm also going through a rough patch thinking about Gabriel. Becoming pregnant again did help the wound heal a lot, but the scar is still tender and hurts when poked. Tomorrow is 2 months exactly until my due date with him. I hope it goes well all things considered, but lately I keep thinking about how I should be in the final countdown to having my baby. I still feel like Gabriel is a boy, but of course we'll never know. I'm over the moon happy about Sean, but I just feel like the timing for everything with Gabriel was better and I hate that I've lost a baby. August was a perfect due date. Now I'm worrying about how Thanksgiving is going to go because it's my second favorite holiday besides Christmas and even though I'd be having Sean and would be most thankful for him, I'd be so sad to miss Thanksgiving. Plus, it's a couple of more months my mom could have had with a grandchild. I'm trying to push all of these thoughts out of my mind, but some days it's easier than others.
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  #2  
June 25th, 2012, 05:32 AM
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I think how your feeling is completely normal. Have you talked to your dad about your mom? Maybe tell him how your feeling and see if he can explain to her that your going to try your best to make sure she gets as much time as possible with him but that it's going to have to be done in a way that will work for you all. Also for the shopping thing maybe you could go over and do some online shopping? That way your getting the bonding time and shopping (I know it wouldn't be the same) but maybe that would help her?! And as far as Gabriel is concerned I think your always going to have your good days and bad days. It's been over 3 1/2 years since my first loss and I still get them. Just take things one step at a time.
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  #3  
June 25th, 2012, 06:24 AM
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I agree with Katie about everything - talking to your dad about your mom is probably a good idea, as is the online shopping. Or maybe you can do the shopping trip on a day your dad is able to join you too - that might be nice to have him with you and be included in that.

Gabriel will always hold a special place in your heart & you will have ups and downs. Take it one day at a time... I know the timing must be especially hard
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  #4  
June 25th, 2012, 06:49 AM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I forwarded the e-mail to my dad and will see what he says. I just hate going to him with this stuff because I know it's hard for him, too. The thing with the shopping is that my mom wants to get some things in person, so the online thing won't work.

I guess I just had unreasonable expectations for how I would feel about Gabriel once I was having a healthy pregnancy. I honestly feel so good most days that it just takes me by surprise when I have days like this.

Tanya you're right, each of these is probably exacerbated by the other situation.

It just sucks.
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  #5  
June 25th, 2012, 07:03 AM
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Your dad will understand... I'm so sorry this is something you have to deal with in addition to everything else.
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  #6  
June 25th, 2012, 02:44 PM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My dad's solution wasn't good either. He wants me to go stay with them for a few days. I can't take DH's newborn son from him like that.
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  #7  
June 25th, 2012, 03:16 PM
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I'm sorry about the situation. It's hard to know what to do. Can you and dh go one day and spend the day with them shopping and maybe spend the night? My mom is coming a week before I am due to help me out, at the end she does help out but for me it's more of a stress than help. Sometimes you have to compromise somewhere.
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  #8  
June 25th, 2012, 03:40 PM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think we might either spend a few extra days at Christmas or I might drive down there on Fridays to give them some time with Sean. I mentioned that to my parents, too, but apparently my mom is stuck on the idea of a few days in a row with the baby. I'd think that me saying I'd drive the 1.5 hours down there every week, or at least every other week would be a nice compromise.
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  #9  
June 25th, 2012, 04:07 PM
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I think your willingness to drive with the baby Friday afternoons is quite generous...

Is there any way you'd be able to talk DH into staying a weekend there? Although if you said you would at Christmas, I would think that would be good...

There really is no easy answer in this since your mom is not in a good place healthwise... I just wouldn't want you to regret not giving her the time with him - even though I know you are trying your best to accommodate the situation

Were you able to solve the shopping issue?
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  #10  
June 25th, 2012, 04:27 PM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I hate staying down there. The beds are very uncomfortable. I'd prefer to just do the day trips if we can. I figure I'm probably going to be tired enough from nighttime feedings, am I going to be able to handle a poor night's sleep along with him waking up every few hours?

I think the same thing about wanting to make sure that I don't have any regrets. That's why I offered the Friday thing. It's just frustrating in part because I feel like they hardly ever take what's best and easiest for me into consideration. This is going back years and having some childhood baggage attached, so I'm really trying to let it go and be an adult here, but I have no idea what it's going to be like to have a newborn. I hate staying the night there now and get grumpy after sleeping on that bed, am I really going to want to do that with a newborn? And if I'm miserable and overtired is it really going to be an enjoyable visit?

My mom is only awake for a few hours a day anyways, so even if I stayed all weekend she'd probably get at most 15 hours of time with him. I think it works out to her getting more time with him if I go down regularly on Fridays than to take a random weekend. I know I'm not a math genius, but still, I think the math works out...I could get that 15 hours in 3 Fridays per month and it'll probably feel more comfortable for me.

I guess except for this vision my mom had of coming up for a few days when I had the baby, which just isn't realistic at this point, I don't understand the big deal about my Fridays idea.
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  #11  
June 25th, 2012, 04:38 PM
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I think your Friday idea is great! You definitely won't want to have a poor nights (or hours) sleep with a newborn.

You might just have to put your foot down with your mom & tell her that this is the best option for all of you... I think a good visit for hours on a Friday would be better than an unhappy weekend.
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