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  #1  
July 6th, 2012, 12:05 PM
queenofthecastle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Do you find one of them harder on you than the other(s)?? What makes it harder??

I find that my second loss was harder on me than my first even though I was further along when I lost my first. With my first loss, I felt like something was wrong with my pregnancy although I couldn't pinpoint what it was until I started to miscarry. I was blindsided with my second loss. The physical pain from my second loss was also worse than my first.
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  #2  
July 6th, 2012, 12:41 PM
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Hmmm.... interesting question. I think that mine were very different that way. The first one was much harder at the time of the loss. It was my first pregnancy and, even though I felt there was something wrong the whole time, I never seriously considered that I would not get my baby. Plus it was a surprise and so after making that adjustment it seemed extra hard.

But my second was much harder for me all together. There I was, a 37 year old woman who had never had a successful pregnancy and I got terrified that I had waited too long or that my body would never be able to behave the way it was supposed to. I also felt that I got much less support for the second loss, almost like I should have been used to it by then.

Of course, neither of them were easy and I hope to never go back there again...
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  #3  
July 6th, 2012, 12:57 PM
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I think for me my hardest was the one prior to Daniel... Everything was just going perfectly and when I went in for my 16 week scan, I just expected everything to be fine, buy the baby had passed two weeks prior- it was just like the wind was knocked out of me and I couldn't breathe... There was just no explanation for why. Then Daniel while hard because I was further along, I knew why.
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  #4  
July 6th, 2012, 12:59 PM
doremi's Avatar Team Blue Mama of Two
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My first loss was MUCH harder on me emotionally AND physically. I went into that pregnancy with 100% optimism since I'd had a perfect pregnancy with Josiah, and when I found out it wasn't viable, it was earth shattering. The miscarriage itself was very tough on me physically, whereas my second m/c was a chemical. I knew almost immediately it probably wasn't viable, because I started spotting the same day I got my BFP. I recovered physically much quicker from that one. But, BOTH took their toll. I will never look at pregnancy the same after having been through that.
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  #5  
July 6th, 2012, 03:26 PM
silverlife's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My 2nd loss was harder for me.

Partially because the pregnancy symptoms were really strong with that one (throwing up multiple times a day), we had seen a heartbeat, and it felt like things were going better than with the first loss. With the first loss our first ultrasound was the one that diagnosed the miscarriage, so we never got to see a living baby at an ultrasound. I kind of felt something was off most of that pregnancy, so I didn't feel as blind sighted.

The finding out was gentler with my first loss. I was at the MFM office for a consult and when they asked if I was pregnant, I mentioned that I was but that I was having pink spotting. The doctor got me in for an ultrasound and he was in the room and was able to tell me, I was able to see the screen. With my 2nd loss I was given a surprise ultrasound at my first prenatal appointment. The tech never turned the screen on and didn't say anything to me. I knew what that meant and burst into tears when she left the room. And then again when I went to the lab to pee in a cup. And then I had to sit for what felt like forever in the exam room waiting for my doctor to come in and confirm that my baby had died.

With my first loss I was spotting when I found out and naturally miscarried within the week. With my second loss I had to wait two weeks to miscarry (I was trying to avoid a D&C). Those two weeks were very emotionally difficult for me. Especially since most people that knew I had lost the baby didn't know that I was technically still pregnant with that baby.

There was also the fact that we got pregnant with our second loss within weeks of my father dying. That baby felt like a special gift to help console me during my grieving. To lose that baby felt like being robbed of a comfort I was holding onto during an already difficult time.

ETA: the second loss was also more emotionally difficult because it felt like it was creating a pattern. With the first loss I was told by multiple doctors that it was probably a fluke and since I've had two children before I probably wouldn't have any problems in the future. To have two in a row made it feel like I now had a new pattern of pregnancy--losing babies. It made holding onto hope of a baby in my future a lot harder.
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  #6  
July 6th, 2012, 04:44 PM
Jessghetti's Avatar New Mommy in Training
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Both were very hard, the first one hurt very badly physically - I had alot more bleeding and tissue coming out. I was so devastated and so hurt - I couldn't believe it was happening.

The second one I remember just being angry and resentful, I hated it so much and wanted nothing to do with facing it. I bottled it up inside for a little while and caused me and my husband to have quite a bad argument. I finally did grieve for the loss, but it was still difficult once I got pregnant with this baby. I felt detached and didn't want to even think about it - it made me feel as if I thought about the baby I would loose it - so I shouldn't form an attachment.
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  #7  
July 6th, 2012, 06:00 PM
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I can't say which was harder. Each had reasons that it was harder. First one because we never expected any issues after having 5 successful pgs. The second because it happened on the day of my BIL wake. The first I blamed myself for not taking it easy and the second everyone blamed me for running around getting stuff ready for the wake/funeral. Both times, I saw heartbeats so we were blindsided.

This last one was easier since I didn't see a heartbeat nor an u/s until I started spotting and then there was nothing left to see.
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  #8  
July 6th, 2012, 06:36 PM
StaceygirlPa's Avatar Waiting for our Miracle.
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My first loss was hard. I never really hear of having a miscarry. We did betas and the numbers went up like they were supposed to only to fine out the baby didn't have a heart beat when we had the u/s. The second loss I knew from the beginning something was wrong. I was sad but ok. The third loss really sent me for a loop. Numbers went up good had a heartbeat at ultrasound. Second ultrasound found out pumpkin passed away right after first u/s. My old OB told me at my D&C that it was my age and there was nothing else he could do. I was 41 years old. We thought he was right. I cried so much because I thought I would never be a mom and dh would never be a dad. We almost gave up on trying. I am so glad we didn't. Cody is our miracle baby.
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  #9  
July 6th, 2012, 07:38 PM
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My first loss was the hardest one. I don't know if it's because I was the farthest along, or that I know he was a boy and named him. I just felt this insane connection with Noah. My other losses, I grieved but not like the first.
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  #10  
July 7th, 2012, 12:36 AM
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My 3rd was the hardest. My first I was only 4.5wks, never even made it to the doctor. Didn't think much about it as I was young. My second was a chemical. My third I had known I was pregnant for over a week and hadn't told anyone, not even my dh. I was 8wks along and the way he found out was when I told him I needed to go to the ER. I had another chemical after that but I didn't find out until the day before. When I talk about my miscarriage, it is always that one. It was the most painful physically and emotionally.
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  #11  
July 7th, 2012, 07:37 PM
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My 1st and my 3rd were the hardest. My 1st I was 12 weeks and my dh and I were taking the kids to my 12 week u/s. We were all so excited... My 2nd was earlier and my tests were really faint and not getting darker. I suspected the worse from the beginning. It was hard but expected. My 3rd I just knew that third time would be the charm since my kids' pregnancies were effortless. I went to bed with a belly ache and woke up to my water breaking. It caught me as off guard as the 1st one did. Awful, awful days...
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  #12  
July 7th, 2012, 11:59 PM
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Definitely the first.

My pregnancy with our first born (first pregnancy) was pretty normal. I thought it would never happen to me and then it did during my second pregnancy. It was just very shocking and going through having to actually pass the baby was awful in itself. Just never thought I'd have to deal with all of that. I grieved much harder the first time than I did when I m/c the second time. I think the second time I already knew what was happening and knew what was going to happen as far as the physical aspects of it. I was also having testing done after the second time and that helped give me some peace about it all - knowing that we were at least going to get some answers.

If I wouldn't have miscarried that second time, Emily would not be here today. I definitely miss both of the babies we lost but so thankful Emily is here and HEALTHY as can be.
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  #13  
July 8th, 2012, 08:21 AM
ashj_1218's Avatar Hiya!
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My second miscarriage was my worst. But it was the first miscarriage where I knew what I would be missing and was a planned baby.

I had my first miscarriage back well before Liam, with a previous relationship and to be honest, it didn't even register to be sad about it. I took the test, walked around in a daze for a few weeks, didn't tell anyone or my BF. Didn't call a doc or put a whole lot of thought into it yet. And then I was bleeding, went to the ER, confirmed loss, all naturally passed. It was pretty cut and dried. I sorta forgot about it after that. But it was like I didn't ever connect with the child, didn't ever think it would actually end in a baby, kWIM? It wasn't something that really crossed my mind. Even today, I tend to not count it in my miscarriage losses unless I stop to think about it. Maybe I was young and naive or just stupid and cold. But it wasn't a big deal at the time.

Then when I got pregnant with Liam, I just knew he would be a baby and was proactive with everything from the beginning. I never considered a loss a possibility and even told people starting at a week after I found out. There wasn't a second where I feared losing him.

And that was how I felt when I became pregnant again after Liam. I told people, I had several doctor appts, I started planning, and talking names. I was so excited. And then BAM...no heartbeat. Then was the agonizing three week wait, over vacation, to miscarry naturally. While having sky-high HCG and still getting sick. Then came the determination that I needed the D&C and the massive bleeding afterward. And the grief over telling people we lost it. And the reality of no more baby. It was gutwrenching.

The following miscarriages were much earlier than my second (and first) and I was so cautious and dreading the inevitable, that I never gave myself a chance to get excited about a baby. I was emotionally blocking myself from the pain of the second one, so they were not nearly as bad. Plus, they were natural miscarriages, which was easier to handle. I did start to fear there was something unfixable about me and that I would never have a baby again. But they still were not as devastating as that second one. It is still the one I feel sadness and heartache over. I feel I know the Baby was a boy and therefore I feel somewhat connected to him.
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  #14  
July 8th, 2012, 09:12 AM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My very first, about 13yrs ago, at 14wks. It was a blighted ovum that went all the way to 14wks. I hemoraged and had a d&c. It was traumatic, never saw it coming, did not know anything about m/c's. I grieved for months, and then conceived my 3rd son and life went on. I had two more early loss's after that and never shed a tear.

With my new DH, my first loss was a chemical and I never cried. I was perfectly fine. With our second loss, it was as traumatic as the first one at 14wks, if not worse. I wanted this baby more than anything and we saw a nice h/b and everything. At 9wks the baby had died and left me with a visual of the little plump lifeless baby on the u/s. I saw arm and leg buds and a cureld up baby that no longer was living.

All of my other after that one made me angry, never really hurt. My anger was at an all time high when I was ready for my IUD just weeks before I concieved my very first rainbow baby with DH. We were done, done with loss's, done with the anger and hurt. She was our miracle and have since gone on to have another miracle with ANOTHER one the way. Life has no ryme or reason, just have to see what the next day brings.
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  #15  
July 8th, 2012, 01:38 PM
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The first loss was the toughest for me emotionally, because it came out of the blue with no symptoms and our first sign of a problem was when we went in for 8wk u/s and the baby's hb rate was lower than normal. I was so mentally unprepared after being ungodly sick with m/s (in the ER kind of sick) that we were both completely blindsided and devastated. No subsequent loss has every been as emotionally difficult b/c I prepare myself for bad news at every turn since then.

The 2nd loss was definitely the most difficult physically & mentally...I chose to complete that loss naturally (which was painful but not as much as I feared) but it was the weeks of bleeding leading up to that loss, with conflicting signs (bad beta rising, but then a hb despite all odds), that made it more physically & mentally draining than with the first loss, where I had D&C shortly after we lost the hb.
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  #16  
July 11th, 2012, 12:34 PM
Happy Song's Avatar Nicole
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I had three losses. But that is not really true. Back when I was first married 20 years ago I am sure I had at least one loss.

Of course my first loss was hard but it was a blighted ovum no actual baby which helped a little. The next was fetal demise and that hurt a lot. The last was a chemical pregnancy and that one was the worst. The chemical pregnancy was so much like my regular cycle and period that I am terrified I have had HUNDREDS of losses and never knew.

With my first and second losses we had a baby that we buried. The chemical was nothing but broken heart and hope.

My saving grace was how close they all were and how close my rainbow baby came after those losses.
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  #17  
July 12th, 2012, 07:22 AM
lindsey2000k's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Mentally My 3rd was the hardest because we had a heart beat then 2 weeks later it was gone.
Physically my ectopic was the worst. It was painful and drug out over 2 month with bleeding and blood draws.
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  #18  
July 12th, 2012, 12:37 PM
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I have had 2 losses and they were hard for different reasons. The first one was tough because it was my first one!! The second one made it harder, because I felt like it already happened once, it couldn't again... Deep down I knew it could, but it made it real, and now I am more afraid for it to happen!!! I think I want to believe that I've had enough loss, but I know others have had so much more! I am thankful for my boys, but really want another pregnancy to work out!
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  #19  
July 14th, 2012, 05:21 PM
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I guess I've technically had three losses, though one (my second pregnancy) was such a brief chemical pregnancy that I don't really count it. It was tough because it came after my second IVF cycle and I wanted SO BADLY to get pregnant, but I would have felt similar grief if the cycle had just failed altogether. My first and third losses were very different from one another, and difficult in different ways.

My first came after 1.5 years of TTC, and I was so excited to finally be pregnant. I started bleeding just a few days after the BFP though, went to the OB, was diagnosed with a partial miscarriage, and had a D&C. I was so sad, but my doctor was encouraged that at least I'd managed to conceive - so I was encouraged too. The worst was yet to come, though. It took another 10 days, two trips to the ER and a stay in the hospital for severe pain for us to learn the pregnancy was actually ectopic. I was given a methotrexate injection, but the pain I had in my side later that night was so severe (far and away the worst pain of my life) I was back in the ER, and the following morning I had surgery. The laparoscopy turned into a 4-hour laparotomy, and I hemorrorhaged and needed blood transfusions, etc. While still in recovery I was told I had severe endometriosis and couldn't risk another natural conception, and IVF would be my only option for a pregnancy. On top of all the emotional pain I was already feeling, and waking up from what was supposed to be an easy surgery to the news that I was facing 6-8 weeks of recovery, the news that IVF would be the only way we could have a baby of our own was just such a shock. It felt like I lost not just a much-wanted pregnancy, but the ability to get pregnant "normally."

My third loss was just a few weeks ago. We started our third round of IVF in April, transferred two embryos on May 21, and found out in early June that we were pregnant with twins. We saw both heartbeats on three occasions, before we went in for my last appointment at the fertility center and found that one baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was shocked and devastated, and my husband maybe even more so. We really thought that this was finally our time, we were starting to get comfortable and let ourselves imagine a future with not just one child but TWO, and to have one of them taken from us really came as a shock. The mix of emotions that comes from miscarrying but still being pregnant is very hard to describe... but I think it's probably like the feeling of not wanting to get attached to a new pregnancy after you've just had a loss. I'm so afraid that we're going to lose this one, too. I've been getting excited again, but I'm afraid to let myself believe it's real, that I will really end up with a baby someday. We're just holding our breath and trying to make it to 12 weeks, and then we'll see how to go forward from there.


Sorry for the really long post. This stuff, especially the recent loss, is still pretty raw for me. It helps to talk about it.
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  #20  
July 20th, 2012, 07:30 PM
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Chickadee - Thank you for posting your story, it really affected me to read it, and I'm holding my breath with you that you get to 12 weeks! Having to find out after the D&C that it's actually ectopic - that must've been so confusing and very hard.

For me, my first was the worst. I've gotten pregnant 'easily' each time, and as I had a healthy, easy first pregnancy it never occurred to me there could be a problem. The shock of finding out the heartbeat was slow and the baby was small - and there was nothing in the world I could do to help that little baby inside me - took my legs out from under me.

With the second, I'd gone in telling myself to expect bad news, but still I thought two in a row was so uncommon, that I still had a shock. In the recovery room after the second D&C was when I first had the thought that I may not have another child. That was very tough.

I'm now pregnant, 12 weeks, but still trying to absorb this as real. I was so completely positive this one too was going to miscarry, I broke down crying when the doctor said the heart beat was healthy.
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