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The last week has been so emotional just leading up to 26 weeks. Now that its over I do feel better, but at the same time I feel some guilt. Also, this has been compounded by the fact that a gal in my DDC has just had her baby, in a circumstance identical to mine with Sebastian... Everyone is excited for her, but I don't know if they realize just how serious this kind of thing is.. but I don't want to ruin a positive vibe, so I just keep my mouth shut.
I feel messed up inside, just knowing what a live baby at 26 weeks looks like - no one should have to hold their baby so small. I feel really good about this pregnancy, but I miss so much what should have been. It's hard, especially since i will barely be out of the hospital from having Leo when Sebastians birthday rolls around. I wonder if they would have been close as brothers, what kind of stuff they would get into, how their personalities would be with each other. I wonder why Sebastian didn't have a chance, and now Leo does... I wonder if I will ever stop wondering these things...
I cry when I think about these things, but I can't NOT think about them... so I guess I'll just cry. I will never understand why any of this happened the way they did. But I fall more and more in love with little Leo every day. I'm just now getting to the point where I am realizing 'oh crap! I haven't bought/planned a THING for this baby!' The difference is that now, I feel like I physically/emotionally CAN plan for the new baby...
Wow - I just re-read that and it doesn't sound positive at all. I am. I really am. It just seems like these feelings that I thought would fade or become less painful are sometimes moreso..
Thanks for asking, Susan.
And I notice you're due anytime... what a long way we've come. For some reason, sometimes its difficult for me to talk to women who are farther along than me, because I'm afraid that I won't make it that far. But I'm starting to come around.
I knew it would be tough, how could it not be. I saw the post about the lady having the baby in the Oct DDC and thought of you - first I had to check to make sure it wasn't you!
I know you are trying to be positive. As positive as you can be in this situation. It is so hard. I STILL can't call the baby by her name like it is too personal or something and if I do something bad will happen. And I still don't like it if people ask me about her and the pregnancy, like talking about it will cause her to die or something. I really wanted this baby to come in July so that she wouldn't share a birthday month with Cassie. But I doubt that will happen.
I guess we never stop thinking about our babies who are not here with us. Last night my husband asked me if I wanted a 4th, I told him we already have 4, one just isn't here with us on earth and I'm not having any more. We had originally wanted 4, and we have them, because Cassie is still my little girl. Does that make sense?
I am the same way about talking about the pregnancy - like I might jinx it or something. Some people might accuse me of not being excited or showing interest. And I still have people ask 'is this your 1st baby?' Depending on who it is I may tell them. But I feel like I'm betraying Sebastian if I say its my 1st
time is creeping by for me... I'll be so happy when you have your baby - like a new chapter can finally begin