I Can't Believe I Said That

suzy4gt · #1 March 13th, 2013, 01:27 PM

Oh my, beating myself up again. Help.

No one knows I am pregnant b/c we are cautious b/c of my 2 miscarriages. I was talking to a coworker about his baby. I asked him how long it took him and his wife to get pregnant, he said a while b/c they had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. They saw a heartbeat but the baby just didn't develop and she had a D&C. Long story short we were talking about only children and I said my daughter would probably end up being an only child.

I walked away and my heart sank. I am 6 weeks today and saw a sac on Monday. So far things look normal. But I said that my daughter would probably be an only child. Who says that? Now I am worried that on some level my body knows my baby won't make it. I think I just need to hear it again, that this is just what happens with PALs, that we have trouble accepting the pregnancy? I literally check for blood every time I go to the bathroom.

Or do you think a woman just instinctively knows when a pregnancy isn't going to make it?

I feel like a crazy person. Thanks for listening.

Please pray for me.

humnck · #2 March 13th, 2013, 01:51 PM

I honestly think that it is our brain trying to protect us from what we have been through before. I don't think it is a sign of inevitable doom. It is what you have experienced, our past experiences, unfortunately, affect every aspect of our lives. A loss is no different. We can't help but be cautious and think these things, because we have been through it before.

When I was pregnant with Addy, I bled at 8 weeks (a lot, bright red). I went to the hospital just knowing that I had lost the baby, the tech wouldn't let me see the screen, so I just assumed the worst. But, as it turns out, the worst was not what happened in the end. This has happened to me twice (I had a loss, a baby, a loss, a baby). Both pregnancies with my girls, I bled heavily at around 8 weeks and assumed the worst, assumed the worst from the beginning as it was. It is totally natural to think that way.

HUGS! I hope the next few days fly by and you have a good u/s!

TnPhotoMama81 · #3 March 13th, 2013, 02:19 PM

Ditto the above. It can be really hard to be positive after experiencing a loss.

momof6lopez · #4 March 13th, 2013, 02:58 PM

I think just have it in your head "not to tell people" therefore, when your around people, you instinctively feel "not pregnant". I do this too. I dont tell the world until Im past 12wks. Anytime before that, when pregnancy comes up, I laugh and say "Im done having kids". Its just instinct now. I dont feel pregnant until Im home. Your just getting real good at hiding it from others, lol. It's going to be ok, your baby is ok. Hang in there mama.

melissalaw · #5 March 14th, 2013, 06:05 AM

I'm praying for you and your little bean. I agree with what the ladies said above. You will most likely continue to check the toilet paper for the entire 40 weeks. I know I did and I continue to do that every time even now and have since before I got pregnant with Jacob which was a long time ago. Pregnancy after loss is very difficult. Hopefully after you get past your loss date it will get a bit easier.

suzy4gt · #6 March 14th, 2013, 06:57 AM

I wish I knew exactly how far along I was with my miscarriages

. We never saw a heartbeat so maybe it will be better if we see one on Wednesday!

melissalaw · #7 March 14th, 2013, 07:44 AM

Praying you see a heartbeat on Wednesday. Make sure you update us and let us know.

Daisee37 · #8 March 14th, 2013, 09:09 AM

You're definitely not alone. I'm pg now after 2 m/cs, and whenever I talk to people, I talk in the hypothetical... like, "IF we ever decided to have another..." I even told someone yesterday that DH and I were "thinking" of trying to get pg. Then after the conversation, I was like, wait, I AM pregnant. But I don't feel pregnant, and unlike my pregnancies with my 2 healthy kids, I just don't PICTURE a child at the end of this. Like, I'm due in October, but when I think of trick or treating with my kids, nowhere in that picture is a little bundled up baby. I don't even want to tell my family we're pg, just because I am so convinced that the minute I tell people, the whole thing will be snatched away from me... like, my excitement will somehow jinx the whole thing, so I'd better not even get excited.

Oh, and I also expect to see blood every time I wipe. I even go to the bathroom JUST to check for blood. Every cramp, twinge, etc, I'm convinced I must be bleeding. I actually did have a bleed a couple weeks ago and really thought it was over again. I used to be excited about ultrasounds, and now I dread them, because I'm convinced that we'll see a baby with no heartbeat (which is what happened with our 2nd m/c, after seeing a healthy hb just a week earlier).

I really really HOPE this feeling goes away and that we can at some point actually begin to enjoy our pregnancies. I'm just so afraid of getting emotionally attached again, and then having it turn out badly. Crazy what a couple of m/cs will do to someone.