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  • 1 Post By doremi
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  #1  
May 18th, 2013, 01:35 PM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
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It's very early still in my pregnancy but I couldn't help but tell everyone we know that we are expecting. Well, almost everyone. We haven't told the in-laws for several reasons. Both DH and I would like to hold out as long as possible, but how long is too long to wait? We don't want to be super rude but our sanity is more important at this point. DH's mother in particular is very obsessive and neither one of us can handle her craziness right now. She invites herself to every Dr appointment and acts very hurt when we tell her "Not this time." Every time she saw me last pregnancy she would touch my belly, look down at it as if she's talking to my son and say "How's my baby today?" After we lost Clyde (2-3 weeks after) she brought over a stuffed Camel that she named "Clyde" after some Clyde the camel song... IDK, but she had a dumb smile on her face as she sung the song... meanwhile my heart was aching and I started crying. She then proceeded to say that her pain over the loss of our son is greater than mine and that I couldn't possibly understand because not only does she hurt because she lost her grandbaby, she hurts because she see's our pain as well. I can't possibly understand her pain?! SHE HAS NO IDEA!!!!!!!!!

Would it be horribly inappropriate to not tell them at all and just wait until I'm obviously pregnant and they bring up the topic themselves? What do I say when they ask why I didn't tell them? I could give them the truth as to why we didn't tell them right away, but the truth hurts sometimes, ya know? I guess I'm looking for advice and maybe first hand experiences with this if there are any. I hope all this doesn't come across as horrible.
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  #2  
May 18th, 2013, 04:12 PM
doremi's Avatar Team Blue Mama of Two
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Do they live close by? If so, you need to make sure they hear it from you instead of somebody else. If they live further away, there is no reason you can't wait longer. Just say you are feeling really emotional about being pregnant again, and that you would appreciate if they would give you some distance so that you and your DH can work through your feelings together in privacy. It's sometimes okay if their feelings get hurt, as long as you are polite but firm. You have to do what is best for YOUR little family. My step MIL had grand ideas about being in the delivery room when I had my first. We had to firmly tell her what would and would not be allowed on the day of delivery. She ended up getting her feelings hurt and choosing to stay home from the hospital on delivery day to "make a point", but I really could have cared less. It was more important that the pregnancy/birth be the experience that I wanted it to be than to make her happy.
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  #3  
May 18th, 2013, 05:00 PM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
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They live 2 streets over. It's about a 5-10 minute walk, wonderful I know
My MIL also had many MANY plans for our first baby. She planned on being in the delivery room also even after DH and I told her several times that wasn't going to happen. I'm sure she would have thrown a huge drama queen fit if circumstances had been different when my son was born. She bought a car seat for her car, crib, this whole matching themed crib sheet set, changing table, high chair, clothes, bottles (even though she knew I planned to EBF), she even bought a "home from the hospital outfit" after I had shown her the one DH and I picked out... you name it she bought it so she could "have it in case we left the baby over for the night." I even told her to please stop buying all this unnecessary stuff because *if* we left Clyde with her for the night we would already have everything she would need, but of course she threw a fit saying these were all essential in her baby sitting needs.

Thank you Doremi, I appreciate you opinion. I know waiting to tell them is what's best for 'us' but I don't know when or how to tell her. I'm sure I will figure it out but I'm still open for ideas, haha
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  #4  
May 18th, 2013, 08:40 PM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
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yeah, I agree that you will have to tell them yourselves. I waited to tell my in laws at 10 weeks and they lived in the same duplex as us and we saw them every weekend. But, their reaction was completely different. Cultural differences. I know that my mom got really offended while I was pregnant with Marsi, but all is well now. I think your DH needs to have a heart to heart with her. She seems a bit ridiculous in my opinion. It needs to come from her son and not you.
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  #5  
May 19th, 2013, 03:57 PM
doremi's Avatar Team Blue Mama of Two
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I agree that it would be best if your husband talked to her. And since they live so close, obviously you can't wait forever, but nobody should question it if you wait until the end of the first trimester. So many people wait until they've passed the 12 week mark to share their news. And I would consider writing some specific directives in your birth plan if you are worried about her overstepping boundaries. I had to put something in mine to give myself peace of mind that my inlaws would not be allowed into the room while I was laboring or delivering the baby. Good luck!
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  #6  
May 20th, 2013, 07:06 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm so sorry that your MIL is like that. I am not that close with my mother and she drove me nuts after my miscarriage. She is like a worst case scenario type of person so when I got pregnant I didn't tell her until around 16 weeks when I was becoming obviously pregnant because I didn't want to hear her fears about how I might miscarry again. When I did finally tell her I just told her that I wanted to wait until we made sure that things were okay with the baby and she seemed fine with that. If she was hurt she never told me.

I'm sure your MIL has no idea the pain you have gone through and to say her pain is worst than yours well there is just no excuse for her to say something like that. I have found that some people in life like to direct the attention to them and love to hear oh poor me. I would tell her when your ready but since she does live so close to you, you will probably have to tell her before you start showing. i would make sure to tell her though before she hears it second hand from someone else, not sure if you told someone who might mention it to her. Good Luck with what ever you decide.
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  #7  
May 21st, 2013, 04:10 PM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I know you announced it on FB. Would anyone from there tell her before you got a chance? I'd be worried about that.
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  #8  
May 21st, 2013, 05:56 PM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
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Only my sister in law, but her and I already talked about it and she knows to keep quiet. She has been having some issues with her mom being a drama queen as well, so she knows how I feel, in a way. I don't think SIL will spill the beans.
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  #9  
May 21st, 2013, 06:31 PM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
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Everyone and their dog is on my FB...that is why I have 2 accounts I hope things go over well. I am glad your SIL is going to keep quiet.
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  #10  
May 22nd, 2013, 12:27 PM
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I don't think it is anyone's business when you choose to tell them, it is your decision! I definitely agree that your husband should be the one talking to her, that is his crazy mother and he needs to deal with her. My DH typically deals with his crazy mother...lol!

As far as the delivery, my nurses always told me, if there is anyone that you don't want in here, just tell me, I will be the bad guy, so you don't have to! Luckily, no one asked to be in the delivery room while I giving birth and I didn't care that people were in there while I was laboring, as long as they left when things needed to be done
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