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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  • 1 Post By EverydayJoy
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  #1  
July 16th, 2013, 10:36 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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For Pregnant Ladies: Anybody nesting yet? What have you been doing?


For Mommies: did you nest when you were pregnant? Did you clean and organize everything or just do a little? What did you do when you were nesting?



I have never really nested with any of my pregnancies. With both my boys I worked right up until the day before they were born so I think I was just too darn tired to do any intense cleaning. I do on the other hand clean my house every weekend so it stays pretty clean.
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  #2  
July 16th, 2013, 01:40 PM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
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I felt like I was nesting all the time during the months waiting for Clyde to arrive. I helped paint the nursery walls, cleaned the floor for DH to put down new carpet in the nursery, washed all the baby clothes blankets and such and got it all hung up and put away. I would constantly walk into the nursery and get it straightened up exactly how I wanted it to look for our baby's arrival. Now it looks like a storage room for baby junk. After we lost Clyde I couldn't look at all the baby items, gifts, ect.. so it was put in bags and stored in the nursery. But I would also just clean clean clean, anything and everything (when I had those random bursts of energy), otherwise I was pretty lazy most of the time. Plus with my painful pelvic displacement during the third trimester it got harder and harder to get the urges to do anything other than sit around with my feet up.

I haven't had any nesting what-so-ever this time. Well, not yet at least. I do the normal household chores but nothing I would consider nesting. It just hasn't hit me yet.
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  #3  
July 16th, 2013, 10:29 PM
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With Ethan I did the majority of my nesting after I quit work 2 weeks prior to delivery. Everything was in apple-pie-order for some time.
With this one, with having the loss in between the two babies, the "nesting" (really just OCD cleaning) was sort of my way of trying to have some sort of control over the pregnancy or outcome or something. So I pretty much "nested" the whole way through, but had more intense nesting after 30 weeks. I was really irritable and would get annoyed if anyone messed up the clean house I was working so hard to maintain.

Ame, I bet it must be hard for you to want to do any kind of preparation for this baby, with Clyde passing away after all the hard work you put into his nursery.
Do you think you'll re-use any of the baby things you bought for him? Or just keep them as mementos of him? What about the decor? Will you re-paint or would you want to keep it as it was?

I've been doing some more grief-work about the miscarriage because I'm finding I have a lot of unfinished business, even though it's been a year and a half. In one of the books I'm reading it says that some women like to keep all their baby stuff set up, almost like a "shrine" to their lost child. Hopefully that doesn't sound weird---I don't see it as weird, I mean if a mother lost her teenage child, for example, they would probably keep that child's room just as it was before they died, so they could go in and look at everything. So why would it be different with a baby?

Sorry Melissa--not trying to hijack your thread!
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  #4  
July 17th, 2013, 06:19 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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No problem Joy, go ahead and hijack. I'm glad that you are working through your miscarriage. Mine was over 2 years ago and I am still saddened by it every day. Such a difficult thing to go through and while i know that I will never completely be healed I have found the best healing was my Jacob. I know I wouldn't have him if our other baby had lived and I find some solace in knowing that. Sorry you have been having a difficult time lately dealing with your loss. We are here if you need anybody to talk to. I know other than my preacher I really don't have anybody in real life to talk to.
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  #5  
July 17th, 2013, 08:22 AM
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Thanks, Melissa. For me I had been "ignoring" for a long time, wanting to believe I was done with this grieving business. But because of how things are for me spiritually, I know I have a lot of unfinished business. I'm still angry about it, and I blame God. It's been like that for almost a year and a half now. I thought by now I'd be in a better place, but I'm not, so I decided to sort of jump back in. I started an email conversation with our pastor at church, and checked out some grief/miscarriage books from the library. I also have an acquaintance who just had a miscarriage about 3 weeks ago so that prompted some introspection too.

Early on in the process, I tried going to my local church for help, because I was so angry. But it just made it worse---they were of the belief that if you can doubt, that you were never saved to begin with---so I just felt more guilty after talking to the counselor there. So I stopped going. This church we're going to now seems to be really great though and the conversations I've had with the pastor have seemed to help, if nothing else to open the door in my heart for talking about it.
I never did really have anyone I could talk about it with much, except for my PL ladies here on JM. And you all, of course. But in real life, my hubby didn't seem to understand, and I was afraid my family would just try to make me feel better instead of just listening, so I never really talked much about it. I didn't even journal about it much because I felt like the feelings were too dark to put on paper.
Anyway, just rambling...but I know you ladies understand!
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  #6  
July 17th, 2013, 12:42 PM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Joy I felt the same way at first also. I was furious with God and just couldn't understand why he took our baby and I blamed him but thankfully I have discovered that he always knows better than we do and that while some of us may never know in this life time why our babies were take he did know better than us. and someday we will all learn the reason and someday we will meet our little ones again.

i'm so glad that you have found a church that you like. I know for me that was so important in my healing process and talking to my pastor really helped.
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  #7  
July 17th, 2013, 01:57 PM
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Melissa, I guess I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who felt like that. I'm glad you are on the other side of it.
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  #8  
July 17th, 2013, 03:42 PM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EverydayJoy View Post
Ame, I bet it must be hard for you to want to do any kind of preparation for this baby, with Clyde passing away after all the hard work you put into his nursery.
Do you think you'll re-use any of the baby things you bought for him? Or just keep them as mementos of him? What about the decor? Will you re-paint or would you want to keep it as it was?

I've been doing some more grief-work about the miscarriage because I'm finding I have a lot of unfinished business, even though it's been a year and a half. In one of the books I'm reading it says that some women like to keep all their baby stuff set up, almost like a "shrine" to their lost child. Hopefully that doesn't sound weird---I don't see it as weird, I mean if a mother lost her teenage child, for example, they would probably keep that child's room just as it was before they died, so they could go in and look at everything. So why would it be different with a baby?

Sorry Melissa--not trying to hijack your thread!

I have thought about those things many many times. There was even a moment where I almost posted a thread asking what others would do in my situation but decided not to because even if someone would make certain choices, it may not be the best choice for me. There are times when I want to put away EVERYTHING we bought for Clyde and start fresh with this new baby. We just can't afford to do that, especially since we are trying to save up to move out of Texas in the next 12 months. That's another reason why there is no point leaving everything in the nursery the way it was like a shrine because within a year it will all have to be packed up and moved anyways. DH and I went crazy buying every baby item we liked. It's a bit ridiculous how much baby stuff we actually have. I mean I have everything....

There are a few outfits I will put away, a few blankets, and the nursery theme will most likely be changed (not totally sure about that one or not).
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  #9  
July 17th, 2013, 03:55 PM
EverydayJoy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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That must be such a hard decision to make. I don't know what I would do. I had a blanket I was knitting for the baby before I lost it, and I haven't ever finished it. Maybe some day I will. I gave away the rest of the yarn to my mom to knit something for someone else, even though I really just wanted to keep it for myself. She asked and since she had originally bought the yarn, I thought she ought to have it back. But, I still have the bit that I knitted, I could still do something with that. At the same time, it will never be used, and to me it's a sad reminder that I will never have a little girl.

I guess one comforting thing is that whether you use the items for the new baby, or put them away, you will still have them no matter what. Maybe if you do use them it could be like Clyde was sharing with his little sibling.
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  #10  
July 18th, 2013, 10:03 AM
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I never really nested either. I was induced with both girls, the day before I felt the need to clean, not because I was nesting, but because I knew I wouldn't feel like doing it for a couple of weeks

The strange thing for me, I actually nested after my 2nd loss. I think I did because I wanted to get it out of the way and knew it was a good time to do so, we flipped our mattress, vacuumed under our bed, Spring Cleaning type stuff, etc.

I am sorry that you are having trouble with your loss, Joy, but glad that you are working through it with what sounds like a great support group.

Ame, I bet you will go back and forth many times on what you want to do, I hope that when you do make the decision, you are at peace with it. I like the "sharing with his sibling" idea that Joy brought up.
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