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I'll go first!
I got pregnant in November, 2011, right after my husband and I moved across country from PA to WA. We had been NTNP for over a year so I was surprised at the timing. I would have thought the stress from moving would have kept me from ovulating.
The miscarriage was around 12 weeks, by my LMP, but I actually hadn't gone to the doctor yet---we had just moved and I was dragging my feet because I wished I could go to my OB back up in Alaska where I had Ethan. So I hadn't had any ultrasounds or bloodwork, just the positive pregnancy test. We hadn't picked any names because we like to wait until we know if it's a boy or girl for that.
The baby measured around 7 1/2 weeks when I got an ultrasound in the ER. I have that one picture of my baby, my little bean, from that ultrasound.
After the miscarriage, I named the baby "Little Bud"--like a flower bud not yet opened up. I did a lot to try to process the loss after I had recovered, I painted, knitted a tiny sweater, made a shadow box, bought a stuffed bear, asked a woodworking friend to make a tiny cradle. I painted the cradle and made a tiny pillow and a blanket for it. One day I want to buy a little baby figurine to go inside. I ordered a custom necklace with the words "My Sweet Little Bud is Blooming in Heaven" on it, with two birthstones, one for the month I lost her, the other for the month I was going to be due in. I don't know if it was a boy or girl, but either through wishful thinking or intuition, I think it would have been a girl. I think about my little baby in heaven and wish I could visit her. I wish I could have seen how she would have looked. I wish Ethan could have had a little sister. I wish our family could be a family of 5, instead of 4 with one in heaven. I never know what to tell people when they ask how many kids I have---do I say 2, or 3? I usually just say 2, but I sometimes say "2, and one in heaven".
Little Bud: Blooming in Heaven 1.24.12
Last edited by EverydayJoy; July 17th, 2013 at 10:05 AM.
I have one sweet little angel in heaven. On June 3, 2011, I was 11 weeks 1 day when we went in for our monthly checkup expecting everything to be normal. I had no complications with Jackson so I never even imagined that I would lose the baby. At the appointment the nurse couldn't find baby's heartbeat with a doppler so we went into the ultrasound room to have a quick peak at baby. I wasn't worried at all, just figured baby was hiding. I thought I was going to pass out when my dr told me that baby's heart was not beating. Baby was only measuring 8 weeks 1 day. My dr thought something looked off so he suggested a D and C so we could have some genetic testing. I agreed thinking that they would find nothing wrong with the baby. We went in 2 days later for the D and C and a week later my dr called me to tell me that baby had downs syndrome and most likely had a heart defect which is what caused her heart to stop beating. He did tell me that it was a girl. I wasn't sure at first if I wanted to know or not but Dh wanted to know so we found out.
We never named our little girl and I still don't have anything that I call her other than my little girl in heaven. For me it was very comforting to find out the cause of my miscarriage. I know so many women never find out why they lost their baby and I was glad to have a reason. I never really did anything to remember baby girl by except in my heart and in my prayers. Every night when I say my good night prayers, I always tell Jesus to give my sweet baby girl a hug and tell her how much her momma loves her and wishes she was here on earth with us. But I know that someday I'll be with her and I find comfort in that also.
Joy this was a really great idea. Seems to help just to write it down.
Thank you *Kiliki* for my beautiful siggy
In January 2012, we decided to start trying to add a fourth baby to our family. In February 2012, I found out I was pregnant. Everything was going perfect. I had my first appointment at the end of April. The doctor tried to listen to the baby's heartbeat but couldn't find it. She sent me to the hospital to get an u/s. I knew right away something wasn't right. The tech didn't speak a word the whole time. At the end, she told me to wait in the room. When she came back the nurse from my doctor's office was on the phone. She told me there were two babies and they were both measuring small. She wanted me to go and get my hcg levels checked. I had to do this again a couple of days later.
Then I received the news, I was dreading. My numbers were dropping. I still didn't have any signs that I was going to miscarry until that night. I started hemorrhaging. I was rushed to the ER and had to have an emergency D & E performed. The babies were 11 weeks and 1 day.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of my little angels. We never chose names for them. I always had a feeling that it was twin boys. I have two little stones with an angel in each that I carry around for them.
The hardest thing I had to do was to tell my daughters that the babies were gone. My girls will talk about the babies every now and then. I truly feel that they played a part in blessing me with my beautiful little rainbow, Santino.
My first loss was my first pregnancy, we decided to start TTC at the end of '07, so I went to the doc and had my pre-conception "counseling" and was told that because I was on BCP, it was best to wait a month after stopping to start TTC. We decided that our TTC start would be in '08, so I stayed on the pill for a couple of more months and then went off of the pill in Dec '07, maybe the end of Nov, I can't recall and we started TTC a little over a month later, we were shocked that it happened right away for us. We told everyone because we were so excited. I started spotting and my doc had me go in for an u/s, I was about 6 weeks by LMP. There was not a hb, but it was measuring so early around 5.5 weeks, they saw a sac. I went in for another u/s a week later, same thing, a sac, but it had grown, so I went another week and a half later, the sac was there but had only grown a couple of days more as compared to the last and still no hb. My doc said that at 8 weeks, they should see something. I had a feeling that it was over, she went through my options and I opted for a D&E since it was clear my body didn't realize that there was not a baby. I had a D&E at 8 weeks, the very next day. There was no sign of anything out of the ordinary when testing came back.
My 2nd loss - DH and I decided to go for our 2nd baby (3rd pregnancy) in 2011. We just started NTNP, but when we finally decided to really start TTC, we got pregnant right away. I was so excited, we both were. I made my appointment almost immediately. I got a really bad stomach bug and the doc wanted me to come in just to check on everything, they knew I had had a previous loss, they were great. They did an u/s right there in the office, everything was great, bean had a hb. I went in for my regular appt, they did a dating u/s then, I was 8w3d, again, healthy looking bean with a strong hb. I went away for work around 11w, while away, I spotted. I didn't panic, because I spotted with DD1 too. When I got home, I called and they had me come in, just for peace of mind. When the tech was doing the u/s, my heart sank, I could see my bean there and could tell there was no movement, no hb. I could also tell that there had been essentially no growth. I met with my doc immediately (baby stopped growing at 8w 6d, just 3 days after my last u/s) and we decided on the D&E again. This time, genetic testing showed that my sweet baby had Turner's Syndrome. I was so glad to have an answer, even though it didn't bring her back, I was glad to know that it was not something that would likely happen again.
I didn't name either of my beans, the first was diagnosed as a blighted ovum, so no sex of the baby. The 2nd had Turner's, so only 1 sex chromosome, so I just always called that baby my girl, since she just had 1 X, no 2nd X or Y. I think about that baby the most, I think because I never saw a baby with my first loss, although I do still think about him/her. I didn't get anything to remember the first by, but I have u/s photos from the 2nd. I still have them and I will always keep them.
I don't even know where to start. It was a perfect pregnancy with no issues besides pelvic displacement, hemorrhoids and heartburn which shouldn't bother baby at all. Every appointment went great, perfect blood pressure, perfect testing, perfect baby boy.
I never knew that things could go from perfect to horrific so quickly with no warning signs at all. In my mind I always thought that if something bad were to happen that far along that modern medicine could save my son. There are emergency c-sections, medications, machines to keep my baby alive, surgeries. I never in my wildest dreams thought that in a blink of an eye my son could be taken from me and there would be absolutely nothing anyone could do to bring him back. I think what makes this whole experience even worse for me is not knowing why it happened... why he had to go.... why a perfect baby could leave this earth so quickly and quietly.
On 11-03-12 I was having random non painful contractions throughout the night. The kind where your stomach gets as hard as a rock. Being my first pregnancy I had no idea that they could possibly mean I was going into labor. They felt like Braxton hicks. I guess I had a misconception that "real" contractions would be painful. The contractions would occasionally wake me from my sleep and during those times I was woken up I could feel my baby wiggling and kicking like normal. That morning 11-04-12 I noticed Clyde was not awake during his normal times but I figured he was worn out from all the contractions during the night and was finally able to sleep a little, so I just blew it off. After I had dinner around 5pm I started getting worried. It had now been about 7 hours and still no movement from my baby, Clyde. I asked DH to take me to the ER. I thought I was being paranoid but I just wanted to hear his heartbeat on the Doppler to be sure everything was okay, and I was still having steady what I thought were Braxton hicks contractions. We got to the ER 30 minutes later. I walked up to the desk and told the lady I wanted them to check my baby’s heartbeat because I haven’t felt him move in about 7 1/2 hours now. The lady asked how far along I was, 38 and a half weeks, and had me wheeled immediately to labor and delivery. While in L&D a nurse was having trouble finding a heartbeat with her Doppler machine and ended up trying 3 different Doppler machines. After about 20 mins of switching machines and searching for a heartbeat, I found myself surrounded by nurses, about 5 of them, each taking turns trying to find the heartbeat. One of the nurses told me my Dr. was on his way and was going to give me an ultrasound. I remember looking at DH's face, thinking there was still hope, that something was wrong with their machines and the ultrasound would show Clyde’s heart beating. They moved me down the hall to a private L&D room, hooked me up to a monitor that showed my contractions, which were REAL by the way and NOT braxton hicks and what should have been my baby’s heartbeat, but it was just a graph with no heart rate line showing up. My contractions were steady every 2-3 mins going up to 12-14 but were not causing ANY pain, just a rock hard stomach. They also had a blood pressure monitor on me that was set to read every 15 mins and my blood pressure was reading in normal ranges.
My Dr. showed up in about 30 mins and started the U/S. I watched the screen and saw familiar images of my sweet baby, his little legs, his perfect little ribs and spine, his heart -- and it wasn’t moving. My Dr. looked at me and said “Sweetie, I’m so sorry, your baby’s heart is not beating.” I started crying inconsolably and DH leaned down and held me as we cried together. The Dr. gave us a few minutes then explained to me he would induce labor at 4am, it was almost 8pm at that time and my Dr. said waiting until 4am to induce would give me time to sleep for a few hours. A nurse hooked me up to an IV and left us alone. I laid in the L&D bed crying watching my contractions on the monitor screen and the graph that should have showed Clyde’s heart beating while DH called our families. An hour later my in-laws and oldest sister showed up at exactly the same time. We all cried together and held each other and talked about how unfair and painful this is. They stayed with me for hours and at 1am I asked if they could leave so I could try to get some sleep. They moved to the waiting room area, a nurse came in and gave me a sleeping pill, and Caleb and I tried to sleep. I never fell asleep… 4am passed by, then 5am, then a nurse showed up with a shot to induce labor. I do not remember what the meds in the shot were called but I was told it was stronger than Pitocin. They also gave me an Imodium pill because the shot could cause diarrhea, then they checked how much I was dilating (4cm). The nurse offered me the epidural but I turned it down. I told myself during my whole pregnancy that I was not going to get the Epi. I don’t really know how to explain it but I felt like I owed it to Clyde to go through that pain for him… I love Clyde so much and I wanted to prove to him I would do anything for my baby. After about 15 mins I was in the bathroom throwing up, having diarrhea, and feeling painful contractions. I spent probably 45 mins in the bathroom until I felt the vomiting and diarrhea had stopped, then I moved back to the bed and paged the nurse to hook my blood pressure monitor back up. It had now been an hour after getting the inducing shot and I was feeling the most painful contractions known to man! I had tears running down my face as I sat up in the bed moving around crying from the extreme pain. DH tried to comfort me by rubbing my back and neck, but the pain I felt was unlike anything I could ever even begin to describe. I labored for 3 hours total, not being able to sit still the entire time, then the nurse came back with a second shot of the inducing meds. I went into the bathroom immediately because I was worried it would cause me to throw up and have diarrhea again. I sat down on the toilette, peed a little, then wiped with toilette paper. There was blood on the paper. I called out saying “I’m bleeding!!” I heard the nurse say “Don’t worry that is normal.” Then I thought to myself, this must be the bloody show. I wiped myself 4 times total and by the 4th wipe the blood was gone. I went back to bed and sat down because the pain of the contractions were unbearable and as soon as I sat down my water broke. The nurse checked how far I was dilating (8cm) and confirmed my water did indeed break. 3 mins after my water broke my whole body started forcing me to “push” during the horrible contractions. The nurse said “No, don’t push.” – I said “I can’t help it!” – and she told someone to go get my Dr. who was currently helping another patient.
5 minutes later my Dr. came in, put my legs in the stirrups, there was a female nurse on both sides of me, and I started pushing like crazy. The nurses held my legs and shoulders as I pushed and DH stood by the Dr. watching and encouraging me. I had my eyes closed while I was pushing and open when I wasn’t. After a big painful push I opened my eyes and saw the Dr. with what I thought was scissors in his hand going down to my lady area – thinking I was about to receive an episiotomy I yelled out “No, PLEASE!!” Then I called out DH's name in fear. I heard Caleb (DH) say “He is just giving you a shot, it’s okay.” Then I felt the prick of the shot on my lady bits and yes it hurt too. It was supposed to be a numbing medication but I never felt any relief from all the pain. I pushed for 20 minutes total and Clyde was born. A nurse took Clyde over to the area to be cleaned and weighed. I was crying and said “My baby… I want him so bad, I have wanted him my whole life. I dream about him almost every night and I know I will keep dreaming about him but he won’t be here when I wake up.” – I didn’t know it then, but DH told me later that when I said that, I made everyone in the room cry, even my Dr. I had a first degree rip and got 5 or 6 stitches and I could feel every prick of the needle as he stitched me up.
The nurse brought me Clyde. He was swaddled up and I couldn’t believe how beautiful he was. He was more beautiful than I ever imagined. Our family (in-laws, and my sister) who had been in the waiting room the whole time came in and we all cried together again and took turns holding Clyde. A lady from the “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” organization came by after I was moved to a different room and took pictures of my angel. My sister in law took some pictures too, then a nurse took Clyde away to a special room in the nursery.
I cry constantly and don’t understand why… WHY would God allow me to carry my child for 38.5 weeks then take him away from me. I have to count my blessings though. I was able to hold my son, to look at his face and kiss him – There are so many women who lose a child and never even get that. They never get to look at their child’s face, to hold them in their arms and kiss their forehead. I at least got to do that and I thank God for it! I was blessed to be able to do that with my son.
Clyde died 11/04/12 and was born 11/05/12 he weighed 6lbs 11 ounces and 19 and a half inches long. No one knows why he died. He wasn't born with the cord around his neck; there were no knots in the cord either. They sent the placenta and cord to a lab to be tested but everything came back normal and I was told I probably never know why and that these things just happen sometimes. It was a "fluke." I never imagined I would have to plan for my baby’s funeral the day after he was born, I just couldn't believe it. The pain my heart feels is something I don’t think will ever heal.
Months of heartache have gone by since that day and I'm expecting a new precious life. I wish I could say my heart has healed but the pain is still there. I can say it has gotten a little easier. I don't lay in bed all day crying anymore. I try my best to live life as normally as I can, but things will never be the same. I often wonder how I can ever be as happy as I would be if Clyde were here, but I know one day I will run to my baby and hold him in my arms. He will tell me how wonderful his life has been while waiting for me to join him and my life will finally be complete.
Not trying to get all preachy, but this helped me look at things in a more positive prospective. Peter 4:12 -13 "Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." Another translation of that is "Beloved, don't be astonished at the fiery trial which has come upon you, to test you, as though a strange thing happened to you. But because you are partakers of Christ's sufferings, rejoice; that at the revelation of his glory you also may rejoice with exceeding joy." Another good scripture I read and like is Corinthians 4:17-18 "Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far out-weighs them all. So fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
Basically what I get from all that is good people have their faith tested and also suffer in similar ways that Jesus suffered when he died for us. But by his blood we are saved. It says the "fiery trial which has come upon you" or the devil. The devil is the one who puts us through all these horrible tests to try to steal our "faith" from us. But one day "we will be overjoyed when his glory is revealed" when our souls go to heaven we will see that all our suffering was worth the most wonderful reward - everlasting life. "Fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (live by faith not by sight) focus on the wonderful things that wait for you in the afterlife and not on the hardships we face day to day, because the day to day pain is temporary, but the joy that waits for us in heaven is eternal.
I know for a short little while I thought that *maybe* God had turned his back on me, or was possibly punishing me for the bad things I have done in my life. But after reading these scriptures it brought me closer to God. I realized that the devil WANTS us to lose faith. The devil WANTS us to blame God, but God loves us and when we cry he cries with us. The devil is the one who's goal is to steal, kill and destroy anything and everything he can from us. God wants us to be happy, he gives us the spirit of peace, love and a sound mind.
Anyways, I don't know what else to say... this has already gotten pretty long. But I just wanted to share Clyde's story and my feelings on why (spiritually) it might have happened. I know not everyone will agree with my religious views on it, but it's something that has helped me cope and grieve in healthy ways.
If this group has a private forum I will gladly post pictures of sweet baby Clyde in it, but don't feel comfortable posting in an area where anyone creeping around can look at them. It's just too personal to me.
Amy thanks for sharing your story and thank you to all the other ladies for sharing your story. I know for me this has helped. I have never written down what happened and it was nice to think about it. Everyone's stories have made me cry.
Amy I think you have a great view of life and I agree the Devil wants us to turn from God. I'm so glad that you are closer with God. I know alot of women who turn away from him when bad things happen, so glad that you turned toward him. And you are right someday Clyde will come running to your arms when you get to heaven and share his life with you.
Ladies we do have a private forum but I admit that I don't even know how to access it. I will contact the admins and see how to access it then I'll let you ladies know.
Thank you for sharing that story. I am glad that you are finding at least some peace, I don't imagine that you or any of us will ever completely heal from our losses. I have a friend that went through something very similar, it was so heartbreaking, she lost her baby right after I had lost mine, it was a very sad, sad day. I just can't imagine.
I know I cried a lot the day I found out that I lost baby girl, I cried in the bathroom of the u/s room as I was getting dressed, cried in the u/s room, cried in the doctor's waiting room, in her office, in the car, in the hospital when I was having the D&E, I have never cried so much. I am just thankful of the support that i got from everyone, DH, my family, his family, the doctor's, even the anesthesiologist at the hospital, and from you ladies. It is nice to have somewhere to talk about everything! I can't talk about it much with people IRL now, because they think I should be over it by now, but you all understand and are so supportive. I am so thankful for you!
I agree, it's nice to be able to share here! I think most people I know would think I ought to be over it by now, too. It has been a year and a half, after all. Although my DH seems to understand and is supporting my delving back into the grief process. I think because he wants to see me get to a better place spiritually, and emotionally as well I'm sure.
I'm grateful we can all share here, because we all understand and know we're not going to get any flak about it. I appreciate you ladies! In a way, I like to hear all the stories because it makes me feel closer to all of you, and understanding your losses better.
Same thing here Carey. I have never cried as much as I did. They finally gave me some medication to knock me out during my D and C because I was crying so bad. I never understand why people think we should be over it. How can you possibly ever get over it. I may heal and feel better but I will never be over it and I believe that I will still cry years to come from now over it. I don't cry much but sometimes when I'm by myself I will just let myself have a good cry, plus right now I'm crazy emotional with all these pregnancy hormones.
I'm so thankful for each and every one of you ladies. All of you are so amazing!!
Thank you *Kiliki* for my beautiful siggy
Aw Melissa, were they going to leave you awake for your D&C? I got knocked out for mine and I have heard of some women being awake for it. I would not be able to handle that! Did they at least give you a local or something? I'm not sure how that would work.
I read everyone's stories yesterday, but couldn't see through my tears for all of you and the little angels to type. This morning I think I can. I've suffered 3 losses, and all have been with my DH (we've been together about 24 years now). The first one I was a year out of high school and we weren't living together yet and I barely knew I was even pregnant (7 weeks) before we lost him/her. So we were just trying to wrap our heads around being pregnant when we went through that (we weren't trying to get pregnant). Then 3 years later I was pregnant again and DS was born. I had some complications with birth, but mostly after (hemmoraged so bad at home I passed out and had to go to the ER). So it was about 5 years before we decided to try for another. Took us 3 years to get pregnant again. At 20 weeks I had to go in for some blood work and when they got the results they called me in for an u/s. When the tech was doing the u/s he didn't say anything and called a doctor in. Who came in and said something along the line of 'did you tell them about the loss already' (I don't remember the exact words, but it hit me like a brick). So the tech said no and then the doctor was apologizing and trying to tell us things (but by then I was in a fog and can't really remember what she was saying). I remember going to the bathroom and locking the door and crying and people knocking on the door (I have no idea how long I was in there). So they scheduled a d&c for 2 days later - which seemed so long and unfair to me. I had to call work and tell my boss why I wouldn't be in for the rest of the week. I hid at home for days until I had to go back to work, and taking DS back to school. The day of the D&C DH had taken DS (we had him out of school that day) out after I was admitted to the hospital. He had to tell him why I was in the hospital and what had happened. When they came back they brought me a stuffed camel (DS picked it out). I keep it in a box with our u/s pics in my closet. I don't look at it anymore, but I know it's there. 3 years later our DD was born. We had to go through a lot to get her. Then last year I had a specialist who told me I was premenapausal and my primary said I should think about going off my b/c pills. I figured with my age and their advice and since I've never conceived easily I would go off them and be ok. Well 4 months later I was pregnant again. It was a shock to us as DD was then 9 and we weren't trying and didn't think it could happen even if we were. We found out about 2 days before our anniversary and were excited once it sank in. The next week I had my first appt. and there was no hb, the baby measured at 7 weeks. We were crushed. I don't think the 2 who passed at 7 weeks was anywhere near as hard for me at the baby who passed at 20. We knew that baby was a girl, and had picked out a name (Shoshanna). Well after our loss this last January we decided we'd actually try one more time. Fast forward to August and I got my BFP. I am now 9 (almost 10) weeks and a nervous wreck. But we're trying to just enjoy each day and do what we can to make sure baby sticks. I was just diagnosed with SCH and haven't heard back from the doctor yet, but am trying to be calm and take it easy. Thank you ladies for sharing your story and letting me share mine - sorry I tend to ramble.
I am so grateful that I found this message board. I would like to add to the messages of hope for all of us who have suffered this loss. Over the past three years, my grief has been transformed by the many changes that have taken place, not least of which was welcoming our wonderful son into the world just over a year ago. Our hearts are filled with gratitude to have the richness of motherhood and fatherhood a part of our daily lives.
Yet I still remember my daughter who came into this world and left after 6 brief days, but left a lasting impression on our hearts. Most recently, it came to us, that we wanted to celebrate how she touched our lives by rallying for a cause that is both relevant and close to me, as her mother - and that is the belief in the power of music to change lives. So, we decided to start a scholarship fund in her name - a fund that would be used to help fund need-based scholarships for at-risk youth to immerse themselves in music.
We started a GoFundMe site for this new fund called The Samira Scholarship Fund, and they even let us connect it to our local music school. If you so feel inspired you can search for this fund on the GoFundMe site. It is my hope that you may find strength in knowing that grief can be transformed and that remembering can be take us one step closer to healing.
If you feel moved to contribute - wow - I would be so deeply grateful - but even just sharing this story has brought new lightness to my spirit. Thank you for reading!!!