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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  • 1 Post By Schofield06

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  #1  
January 4th, 2014, 08:57 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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I don't even know where to start with all the things that have gone wrong this week. DH has had some major issues in the barn related to equipment breakdowns. He works with his father who is an abusive idiot, and that's about the kindest thing I can say about him. He refuses to get things fixed when they break, saying they can 'make do'. For example we've gone all winter with no snowblower because we can make do. (Keep in mind that DH lives a mile from the farm and the driveway is half a mile long. Every second day tanker trucks need to get in and out of here -- but don't worry, we can make do!)

Yesterday DH was home in the tractor because the snow was so deep his 4x4 truck couldn't make it down the drive. The tractor wouldn't start in the morning. This means the hired man couldn't get here, none of the farm work could get done, and the tanker couldn't get in to collect milk. DH tried to fix it and had to call in the mechanic. The mechanic came and said the tractor has a seized engine and needs to be taken away. There is no way for a transport to get into our dinky little yard and get it -- because we haven't had a snow blower all year.

Now there is no tractor on the farm to do the work like feeding, snow removal, etc. my DH's usual fourteen hour work days are going to run to midnight every night. FIL is refusing to get a loaner tractor for the time that the other one needs to go in the shop.

I spent the day with my mother yesterday. Sometimes my mother is lovely and sometimes she is just a jerk. Generally I know that if I choose to spend time with her, I can have a lovely time or not. I can't depend on her to be one way or another.

We had a lovely day! So nice. I was just getting ready to leave and when I stand up, my hips need a minute or two to readjust because they ache. So I limped into the kitchen and my mother snapped at me to "stop waddling". I said back to her "That's not a helpful thing to say" and she tried to ignore me so I repeated myself. Then she started snapping at me that I'm so horrible to her and I speak to her rudely and to just leave her house and get out.

It's only in the past two years or so I've been able to stand up to her when she is mean. I've already asked her nicely several times to not say that I'm waddling. I know that the thought on her mind is that if I wasn't so fat, my hips wouldn't hurt. That's the type of thing she would say and if she calls me fat right now when I already feel so hideous I think I will just die.

So the fight with my mother was really just the icing on the cake. I don't know when or if things will ever get better on the farm and I've been sobbing since last night when I got home.

I'm so sorry this was so long but I just feel like I'm going to explode and I have nowhere else to go with it.
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  #2  
January 4th, 2014, 09:13 AM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
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I am so sorry on both counts. I am glad that you are standing up to your mother. Growing up on a farm, I can only imagine not having a tractor! We had a rather large farm with about 4 tractors so we always had a back up. I hope that it gets fixed quickly for the sake of your husband and you. (((hugs)))
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  #3  
January 4th, 2014, 09:25 AM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2012
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Oh my dear. What a horrible situation. Do you live on the farm with your in laws? Are you financially dependent on them for the equipment?

We share alot of our farming equipment with my inlaws as well, but some things we just take responsibility for, because we can't rely on them for them. For example, the tractor and the plowing. We got a plow to go on the tractor and we plow with it - since there is too much to snow blow.

We also share wood for our wood stoves. We each paid half for logs and the responsibility to cut and split the wood would be shared. However, we've cut and split all of it. My in laws just come and take the cut and split wood whenever they need it leaving us with nothing to heat our house with. We end up having to cut and split more.

I suspect that my inlaws were hoping we would just foot the bill for many of these expenses so they wouldn't, and that angers me, but I would rather have the the much needed resources than do without while waiting for them to "man up" and do their share. Sometimes, that's not always possible.

Unfortunately, we've had to "cut the ties" on many of our shared supplies. I forced DH to tell his parents that this was the last year we would share wood, chains saws, wood splitter, fuel and wood supplies - by paying them back monthly for the items they invested in. Some of our other equipment would also not be shared, and his parents would have to get their own tractor soon as well. While it's hard to say such things, in the long run, it's better for all our sakes.

Perhaps it's time for you and DH to sit down and discuss your future independence, like my DH and I did, if that is financially possible. Of course, the delicate relationship your DH has with his parents has to be considered, and the slow withdrawal will have to be executed with the utmost care. It is not easy.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It is so stressful and can take its toll on your health and marriage. Tread carefully and good luck.
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  #4  
January 4th, 2014, 09:39 AM
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Sending you big hugs. I wish I had some better words of encouragement- just know that I'm here and listening. I'm so sorry for your crappy week and lack of support from your mom and FIL.
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  #5  
January 4th, 2014, 11:50 AM
Boos Moo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Oh sweetie - HUGS! I'm sorry your week is going so badly. Our month has been off here, so I just remember the important thing. Baby is growing well and I focus on that I'm sorry things are stressful. Hugs.
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  #6  
January 4th, 2014, 06:30 PM
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Thanks ladies... The tractor that is broke down is our loader tractor. They've jimmied together the old tractor (as in, the tiny one built in 1984) to have a loader for the time being. It doesn't have the HP to do the amount of work there is to be done so we don't know how long that will last. The good broke down one is still sitting in our yard. I don't know how or when it will get out.

Lelila -- we need to gain some major independence from these people. Most of our lives are a nightmare because of FIL and his ways. DH and I are working with a counsellor but he has been abused by this man his whole life and standing up to him at the age of 32 is going to be a hard row to hoe. There is supposed to be a transfer plan in place for DH to have his independence but FIL keeps screwing him around on numbers and dates. As of now I am honestly trying to make it one day to the next. Sigh.

In other news I did go shopping today and get four new maternity tops at half price! LOL. Hopefully that makes me feel better in the long term.

Thanks so much for reading
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  #7  
January 4th, 2014, 07:17 PM
Schofield06's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Sorry it's been so stressful!! I hope they're able to come get the tractor soon for you.
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