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Just getting more and more anxious.


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  • 1 Post By Boos Moo
  • 1 Post By momology
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  #1  
January 13th, 2014, 01:36 PM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Upstate, NY
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Hi all.
I'm Susan. I had a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks last March, after trying for four years to conceive. It was so hard on me, especially on top of the depression and anxiety I have had forever. I have a Major Depressive Disorder, and have been on meds for years for it. They normally control it quite well, but it has it's downs that you can't avoid sometimes, especially when something traumatic happens.
Since we had been trying for so long, we went right back to meds and doctors and we got a second bfp a couple of months later.

I'm bringing this issue here, because I feel like you ladies will understand.

I thought with this pregnancy, I would be nervous until the second tri, and then just get better and better until baby was here. But instead, I just get worse and more and more anxious and upset. I have no idea how to fix it. I'm driving myself insane. It feels like there are so many ladies around me who have lost a baby full term, during or before labor.
I feel helpless, and I can't check on him. I can't hold him, or make sure he's breathing. And I can't make sure that nothing happens to him when he decides to make his appearance.
I can't turn this anxiety off. Nothing seems to be helping me feel better and less worried.

We put off buying baby stuff until January. It sounded good in theory, wait until the holidays are past to concentrate on it all. But really, even now in January, I can't bring myself to buy anything. We really need things, I don't even have a carseat, or diapers. But I still just can't. How will I handle it if something happens and I have to come home to a house full of baby things? How would I handle it anyway?
I had such a hard time with my loss at 10 weeks. And that's not really even comparable to losing a full term baby. And still i went off the edge into my depression. I'm just so so scared. For this baby. For my family. For me. It's so scary to lose myself in my depression, and if something so big happened, i feel like i would never find my way back out.

Is any of this normal? Do I sound like a crackpot? I'm already on my meds, and have my counselor (that's the first thing I would suggest to someone like me). So what can I do? Have any of you done anything that really helped with the fear?
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Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (14), ds Marcus (12), Our new baby Dean





I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
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  #2  
January 13th, 2014, 02:34 PM
Boos Moo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I was going to suggest meds and a counselor, but I see you already have that. So hugs to you.
It (sadly) can be very normal for anyone, but especially someone who's suffered a loss. You're not a crackpot at all. We can't help the way we feel, only how we deal with it and move forward.
What helped me early on (I know you're not early on anymore, but should still apply) is to either pick up a new hobby or get going on one you already have (puzzles, books, catching up on a show you love, scrapbooking, etc). Keep your mind busy. Also I found a lot of comfort coming here to 'talk' to these ladies, they helped when I couldn't talk to anyone IRL (because none of my friends have suffered losses and I didn't want to freak DH out to much).
As for the baby stuff, I was the same way. To afraid to buy anything. I've still only bought 2 bibs and 1 toy, but friends have given us so much I already have a lot. I just remind myself to enjoy being pregnant today. None of us know what will happen tomorrow, but today I can enjoy this life and feeling my LO kicking around. I can plan (working on my nursery mural sketches a lot lately since I can't paint it yet). But I still haven't picked out a name (or at least let myself tell anyone the name I really want, even DH), or bought any furniture.
It's a process, a day-by-day kinda thing.
You're so close now I hope you're able to enjoy the last few weeks. Can you see your counselor more if you need to?
And lastly - congratulations on your little boy
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  #3  
January 13th, 2014, 02:45 PM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I honestly have nothing helpful to say but I want you to know that I am thinking of you! It is so hard to have no control over something we want so bad and have been trying for so long. I think that is enough to make anyone anxious and upset. I think all you can do now is take it day by day. Come vent here any time too you know we are all here for you!
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  #4  
January 13th, 2014, 04:07 PM
Schofield06's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Sorry you're having a hard time with the anxiety. You're not a crackpot, and these kinds of worries are normal. It's so so hard to deal with. I'm not sure what would help you, but I do find staying busy eases my worrying a bit. Just makes me not think about things so much. You don't have much longer now! He'll be here before you know it. I wish I had better advice for you.
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  #5  
January 13th, 2014, 04:34 PM
Just keep breathing.
Join Date: Sep 2012
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Sending you giant hugs, Susan. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. What does your counselor say? Can you be open about how hard this is?

Depression runs in my family- I personally struggle more with anxiety than depression- but something that helps me a little is just acknowledging that the thoughts/feelings are just that- thought and feelings- and not necessarily reality. If I can recognize that my mind is running away with anxiety, I tell myself "okay, this is just my mind acting out" and focus on my body, being in the present, etc. rather than following the thoughts- all the what-ifs and such.

You're not a crackpot. You are okay, and you can do this.
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  #6  
January 14th, 2014, 01:08 AM
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Hi Susan,
So sorry to hear what you are going through. Having a baby is the most amazing, precious thing ever and feeling anxious is the most natural feeling (sign of a good mom)! Forgive me for saying but it sounds as though you never really got over, or moved on from your loss at 10 weeks and it's almost as though you haven't completely accepted your pregnancy this time around. Do you hold a sense of guilt for your miscarriage which is stopping you from embracing this pregnancy? It's like you're scared to believe you are lucky enough to be pregnant again and so aren't buying things for baby, making it real in a manner of speaking.
Susan, you deserve this beautiful baby boy, he's a gift and he is healthy and well and growing from all the love his mommy has for him.
Embrace your pregnancy, feel his movements, relish your pregnancy symptoms as affirmation that he is there and healthy. Stop worrying about what could happen and enjoy what is happening...your amazing, healthy pregnancy. Forgive yourself and be kind to yourself, you deserve to live each precious moment of pregnancy and one day soon, you'll hold your baby boy and know he is absolutely perfect!
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  #7  
January 14th, 2014, 04:59 AM
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((Hugs)) Susan, and welcome. I can't add anything beyond what the ladies have said, so I'll just say that I hope you find some relief from these feelings soon and invite you to post any time you want.

I also thought the worryingwould go away as soon as I hit that twelve week mark. I've been shocked that it hasn't, and now every time I don't feel her move consistently my heart about stops and I start having feelings of dread. I think to a certain degree, what you're feeling is normal. I do hope you keep working with professionals on your depression and anxiety. ((Hugs))
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  #8  
January 14th, 2014, 06:13 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Tennessee
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Susan I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I don't suffer from depression but I have the exact same fears that you are having. I worry alot about a still birth. I know alot of my fears stems from all the terrible things I have seen and read about happening to other ladies on Justmommies. I love JM but sometimes I think it has led to alot of my fears. What I have done is bring my fears to my dr who has been a tremendous source of comfort for me. I know you have said often that you have a dragon dr..lol. but if I was you I might bring this up to your OB who can hopefully give you some reassurance. I know soon we will have weekly visits and hopefully that will help.

For me when I start to worry about my baby boy I will lay down and try to get him to move which thankfully he will do most of the time. I also have a fetal doppler that I can check on his heartbeat which has saved my life over my last two pregnancies.

Just know that you are not alone and we completely understand your fears but I believe that both your baby and mine will be here sometimes in February and we will be holding our sweet baby boys. We are here for you anytime you need to vent or get out your fears. I'm so glad to see you over here. This board is so near and dear to my heart. I could not have made it through my pregnancy with Jacob or through my current pregnancy without these ladies.
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  #9  
January 14th, 2014, 10:41 AM
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Susan, I am so sorry you are dealing with so much. Having the normal angst over a pregnancy after a loss is hard enough, but to struggle with depression on top of that, I can't imagine. I would definitely bring it up to your OB. You are on meds for depression correct? Is there something that you can take to help both the depression and the anxiety?

Strange as this may sound, meditation might help you calm from anxiety attacks. It's worth a shot if you are up for it.

Please feel free to get on here and vent, cry, let it out if you need to. Sometimes doing just that can help a little or a lot! Hugs!
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  #10  
January 14th, 2014, 10:43 AM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Upstate, NY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Boos Moo View Post
As for the baby stuff, I was the same way. To afraid to buy anything. I've still only bought 2 bibs and 1 toy, but friends have given us so much I already have a lot. I just remind myself to enjoy being pregnant today. None of us know what will happen tomorrow, but today I can enjoy this life and feeling my LO kicking around. I can plan (working on my nursery mural sketches a lot lately since I can't paint it yet). But I still haven't picked out a name (or at least let myself tell anyone the name I really want, even DH), or bought any furniture.
It's a process, a day-by-day kinda thing.
You're so close now I hope you're able to enjoy the last few weeks. Can you see your counselor more if you need to?
And lastly - congratulations on your little boy
I'm glad to hear you say that. I didn't realize that anyone else felt the same about buying the things until I came here. I hadn't mentioned it before because it seemed really weird. I LOVE shopping, and I am excited. Just worried.
Thank you

Quote:
Originally Posted by MelChicago View Post
Sending you giant hugs, Susan. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. What does your counselor say? Can you be open about how hard this is?

Depression runs in my family- I personally struggle more with anxiety than depression- but something that helps me a little is just acknowledging that the thoughts/feelings are just that- thought and feelings- and not necessarily reality. If I can recognize that my mind is running away with anxiety, I tell myself "okay, this is just my mind acting out" and focus on my body, being in the present, etc. rather than following the thoughts- all the what-ifs and such.

You're not a crackpot. You are okay, and you can do this.
My counselor says the I need to do things that will help me feel excited, and stay away from the negative. She pointed out that while i feel out of control, I do have a good deal of control over things and how they are going. While I can't control some things that could put him at risk, i'm doing the very best I can at keeping him safe, just where he is.
I also am very much an analytical person. So she has handed me some things with statistics, and pointed me in the direction of positive information. She really encouraged me to go to birth classes, where they show you so much of what they can do when something goes wrong. That did help. I was the only not first time mom there, but that's ok.
She also suggested that maybe I should pick something very cute and/or fun to buy each week. Just slowly. Not necessarily anything big, just something that makes me smile and helps me get excited over baby. This weekend I bought pacifiers, and two cute little outfits that make me smile like crazy.
As far as the bigger things. I'm trying. But Tom and I talked this over. He said if I end up in labor early, after the delivery, from the hospital, we'll shop online at babies r us, and he'll go pick it up at the store a few blocks from the hospital. There is no reason to rush me he says. He is an amazing person, so stable and understanding. He makes it sound so easy to work around what I feel I can handle. I'm very lucky.

I was doing better for a bit, but stalking round the January board, I saw two losses right at term, and those stories were just too much. Unbelievably heart breaking. I crashed down a bit this weekend, that's why I came here.

I'm sorry about the anxiety and depression in your family. I know how hard that is. It's really nice to see you here, getting your rainbow baby.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Happy mom77 View Post
Hi Susan,
So sorry to hear what you are going through. Having a baby is the most amazing, precious thing ever and feeling anxious is the most natural feeling (sign of a good mom)! Forgive me for saying but it sounds as though you never really got over, or moved on from your loss at 10 weeks and it's almost as though you haven't completely accepted your pregnancy this time around. Do you hold a sense of guilt for your miscarriage which is stopping you from embracing this pregnancy? It's like you're scared to believe you are lucky enough to be pregnant again and so aren't buying things for baby, making it real in a manner of speaking.
I have a huge sense of guilt about losing my pregnancy before. I know it's not rational, and I've tried to tell my heart that, but it just doesn't work. Even if I know that the loss isn't my fault, the infertility that has stopped us from conceiving for four years is all me. So we should have had a chance to have the two we wanted, except that I am broken. So after my loss it was even a huge question if we'd ever have another chance. This is when i was the worst in my depression.

Thank you for the nice words

Quote:
Originally Posted by melissalaw View Post
Susan I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I don't suffer from depression but I have the exact same fears that you are having. I worry alot about a still birth. I know alot of my fears stems from all the terrible things I have seen and read about happening to other ladies on Justmommies. I love JM but sometimes I think it has led to alot of my fears. What I have done is bring my fears to my dr who has been a tremendous source of comfort for me. I know you have said often that you have a dragon dr..lol. but if I was you I might bring this up to your OB who can hopefully give you some reassurance. I know soon we will have weekly visits and hopefully that will help.

For me when I start to worry about my baby boy I will lay down and try to get him to move which thankfully he will do most of the time. I also have a fetal doppler that I can check on his heartbeat which has saved my life over my last two pregnancies.

Just know that you are not alone and we completely understand your fears but I believe that both your baby and mine will be here sometimes in February and we will be holding our sweet baby boys. We are here for you anytime you need to vent or get out your fears. I'm so glad to see you over here. This board is so near and dear to my heart. I could not have made it through my pregnancy with Jacob or through my current pregnancy without these ladies.
I think you're right that there is just so much to read here that can make it worse. I love the site too, and have gotten so much knowledge (esp about infertility), but it can also give a harsh dose of worst case scenario too.
I do love that I can feel him so much. It seems like all the time now that he's squished in there. It makes me feel good to all day be reminded he is doing ok. And my dopplar at home has been a huge panic reducer too. I joke about my dr, because she's so darn strict, but I will say that I secretly love her. I love that she is so panicky about all the little tiny things. It means she's watching super closely, and looking for the slightest chance that something is wrong. I hate that it makes me worried more than a more relaxed dr, but that seems like a really decent trade off.
I haven't talked to her about my fears because she is hard to have a heartfelt conversation with, she's more patronizing than sympathizing, but you're right, it's probably the very best thing to do.
I have an appt next week, and that's exactly what I'll do.

Thank you for the sweet welcome. I'm glad we get to do this together.
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I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
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  #11  
January 14th, 2014, 10:55 AM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hi Susan - you and I have been through alot this past year, having pregnancies and losses and new pregnancies at the same time. We have both been robbed of peace of mind because of it all. All the ladies on this board have experienced that, and it's just not fair.

I wish I could wipe all that away, for us all, but there isn't any way to do that. We just have to get through every day and that in itself is a battle.

You have been very proactive, working with your doc to keep your depression in check and making sure you are able to get through each day to the best of your ability. Good for you.

When it comes to buying things for your new little boy, a friend today recommended to me that I "Safe Shop". Go online and browse. Write down the things I like, need and will use. Include the item #, color and price. Give my credit card to a trusted friend with the list and let them do the shopping, keep the items at their house until I'm ready to have them here. I thought it was a great idea. What do you think?
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  #12  
January 14th, 2014, 10:57 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Susan you are not broken. Even if it did take you longer than some to get pregnant it doesn't mean that you are broken. I felt alot of guilt after my miscarriage but for me we were able to do some genetic testing and discover the true reason for my loss. More than likely there was something wrong with your baby that caused the miscarriage and not anything you did. I know right after my miscarriage I talked to my dr about what I could have possibly done to cause my baby to die and he told me a story about 2 women he had just delivered their babies and these women were drug addicts, came into the ER high on drugs and still gave birth to healthy babies. he said there was nothing that I could have possibly done to cause my miscarriage. He said look these women even tried and their babies were born healthy. My point here is please know that nothing you did caused your miscarriage.

I think once you are holding your sweet baby it will make all that you have been through so worth all the pain. Jacob was my rainbow baby and I conceived him 8 weeks after my miscarriage and even though I wish so desparately that we had never lost our first baby I do know that if we hadn't I would not have my sweet baby Jacob today. And life with my Jacob is unimaginable. So that does help with the heart ache.
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  #13  
January 14th, 2014, 11:47 AM
Just keep breathing.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smsturner View Post

My counselor says the I need to do things that will help me feel excited, and stay away from the negative. She pointed out that while i feel out of control, I do have a good deal of control over things and how they are going. While I can't control some things that could put him at risk, i'm doing the very best I can at keeping him safe, just where he is.
I also am very much an analytical person. So she has handed me some things with statistics, and pointed me in the direction of positive information. She really encouraged me to go to birth classes, where they show you so much of what they can do when something goes wrong.
That's such great stuff from your therapist- that even though some things are out of our control, the truth is that we can indeed control much of what happens in our lives and bodies, and you're doing everything you can to protect your baby. I love it. And good helpful facts, too. It's amazing how our minds dwell so much on the very, very small likelihood of problems, instead of the 99+% chance that everything is just fine.
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  #14  
January 17th, 2014, 09:09 AM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I just wanted to say thank you. You ladies are very sweet. It really helped to get it out and talk about it. And to know that others have similar fears.
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I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
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