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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  • 1 Post By MelChicago
  • 1 Post By geogeek
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  #1  
February 3rd, 2014, 06:19 AM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,692
When and how do I tell Toren about his brother? How in the world do I do it without falling to pieces? I've broken down several times this past month thinking about it. It's going to be insanely hard having this conversation with Toren when he is old enough to ask questions about it. I feel like I shouldn't wait long but when is a good age that he will semi-understand what I'm telling him?

I just need any advice and ideas I can get with this. It is something I am struggling to even think about. I get so emotional and block it out from my mind so I don't get a chance to make any plans.
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  #2  
February 3rd, 2014, 06:44 AM
Just keep breathing.
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,948
I'm so sorry, Ame. Sending hugs.

I honestly have no idea if this is the best way to go, but... why don't you tell him now? I know he's just a tiny baby, but it may help you just to get used to telling him about Clyde, saying Clyde's name while you can hold Toren close, make him feel safe, and find some comfort for yourself. As he grows, it'll likely become easier to share with him, and he'll always know that he has a big brother who went to live in heaven.
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  #3  
February 3rd, 2014, 06:44 AM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
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Do you have a memorial of him somewhere? My cousin would bring his kids to the cemetery a lot and they have pictures of him on a memorial wall. He is in plain view as he is part of their family. In identifying people picture books with grandparents, he is in those too. They refer to him as NAME, your big brother in heaven.

I hope you find a way that works for you and your family.
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  #4  
February 3rd, 2014, 07:27 AM
EverydayJoy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Pacific NW
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I agree with the other ladies, that starting now and just having it be a part of his life from the beginning. I recall how one lady here in PMAL (I can't remember her name, but her angel baby is Cora) would release butterflies every year on Cora's birthday. If you start small, you won't have to break it to him later. Clyde will just be a natural part of Toren's life. When he gets older, he'll naturally ask questions about him, and you can explain more. Hopefully by then, it won't be so hard for you emotionally.
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  #5  
February 3rd, 2014, 07:32 AM
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I like the idea of starting now, of course, different things work better for different people. I have a feeling that when the time is right for you and for Toren, you will know it and it will be a little easier to say out loud.
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  #6  
February 3rd, 2014, 09:52 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I never waited. I never had a really big talk with any of my kids either. I already had some memorial things for Cora, her picture and a shelf and things, before Erin was born. During our really bad nights, I'd talk to Erin about Cora and cry.

Same with the others, since I was already in the swing of things. They've *always* known about their sister. I release butterflies for her birthday, I have a stocking for her at Christmas. She is always around.

As for questions, well, they kind of evolve. They don't understand death at first, so when Erin asked where Cora was, I just told her she lived with Jesus. And then as she's gotten older, she's asked more sophisticated questions. I've always tried to be as honest as I can with her, without sugarcoating it. Sometimes her questions take me by surprise, and I *do* cry. But I also think it's good for my kids to see me cry for their sister. To know that it's okay to grief, and to know that if they left I'd feel the same about them.

I didn't find out about my stillborn sister until I was 11 years old, and it was a shock to me and I was very angry/hurt. I didn't understand why they never talked about her, and I secretly worried that if I died, then I'd never be talked about either. So that's what has fueled my openness to my kids, partly.

You'll figure it out. You've to do what's right for you, but don't be afraid of your grief hurting him. Mine hasn't hurt my kids, that I can tell.

((hugs))
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  #7  
February 3rd, 2014, 11:03 AM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think the other ladies advice sounds wonderful and I dont really have anything to add. I just wanted to send some more hugs and love your way.
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  #8  
February 3rd, 2014, 11:22 AM
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awww Amy I'm sorry.

I agree with everyone else, I think starting now is good. He'll always know he has a guardian angel watching over him. He won't understand at first but as he gets older he will. Maybe put something in Toren's room, if you have a picture you could put it in his room somewhere where he can see it everyday I think your amazing and whatever you choose to do will be the right thing!
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  #9  
February 3rd, 2014, 11:25 AM
MoonAngel702's Avatar ~Staying Positive~
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I'm so sorry, Amy. This must be super hard for you. I do love all the ideas from everybody! And I think that whatever you choose will be just perfect. Big (((HUGS)))
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  #10  
February 3rd, 2014, 02:01 PM
Boos Moo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't have any advice. But I like the idea of talking about him all along. That way it will never be a surprise or shock to Toren. Hugs.
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  #11  
February 3rd, 2014, 03:11 PM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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That is tough, but I think the other ladies are right - talking about his big brother in heaven will make the name familiar and will help you too.
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  #12  
February 4th, 2014, 02:58 AM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
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Good advice. It seems so simple but I feel like it's going to be sooo hard to do!! I cry easy... commercials, songs, anything can set me off. I hope it doesn't take long for me to get used to talking about Clyde with Toren because I don't want to bust into tears every single time. This thread and the replies got me all weepy yesterday and I couldn't respond to it until today. I needed some time to collect myself.

Having my rainbow baby brings back a lot of emotions that I had become good at keeping under control. Plus the postpartum hormones. I used to be able to talk about Clyde without crying and now it seems I have gone backwards a little.

I really do appreciate the advice and kind words ladies. It will take some time but I know it will be okay.
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  #13  
February 4th, 2014, 06:08 AM
Boos Moo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Sometimes going backwards is ok. I normally can talk about my losses without losing it. But lately I get teary eyed about it. I'm sure the first time (or few) you might cry when talking to Toren about his brother, but he won't notice, and then over time it will get easier.
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  #14  
February 4th, 2014, 08:02 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Tennessee
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I like how Brittanie has dealth with having a stillborn. To just start immediately and always make him a part of things. I hate that this is something you have to even think about. Like Therese said it will get easier to talk about and you won't always cry when talking to Toren about his brother.
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  #15  
February 4th, 2014, 11:02 AM
Schofield06's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Missouri
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For what it's worth, my oldest brother lived for 3 days. I don't ever remember not knowing about him, or having a moment when I found out. He's always been special to me, and I love that my family was able to tell me about him growing up. So, coming from the other side of the story I also think it is a good idea to start early.

My mom still gets sad sometimes when she talks about him, and I think it's been good for me to see that. Don't worry about having emotions under control. Cry when you need to, even if it's in front of little Torren. It's okay to be emotional and sad. I don't think it's something that you ever "get over" to use one of the phrases i have come to hate. Feel what you need to when you need to.
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  #16  
February 4th, 2014, 11:16 AM
EverydayJoy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Grief tends to ebb and flow. I'm not surprised that you're feeling it closer to the surface right now. Holding a baby in your arms must remind you of the one you never got to take home. It will get better again, just let the sadness come if it needs to. It's a celebration of Toren's life right now, but also a sadness because his big brother isn't there with him. It's your loss, and Toren's loss too. I don't think he will mind if his mommy is sad sometimes.






BTW, Brittanie, sorry I couldn't remember your name!
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