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How do I manage the fear???


Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
October 5th, 2006, 04:21 AM
hustons's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Ladies

I dont know how to make myself calm down but I am STILL in constant fear that this baby is going to leave me! I'm almost 18 weeks and I have a Docs appt. on Tuesday (big ultra sound) but I'm SOOOO afraid I'm going to go in there and the baby will be dead How do I calm that fear???? Someone from our DDC just lost theirs at 18w and my heart BREAKs for her!! What if this happens to me??? I'm not feeling the baby move yet which scares me (although I am plus sized....) Is there anyone out there in my boat??? How do you stay calm???
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  #2  
October 5th, 2006, 05:10 AM
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You are definitely not alone and I kind of have spurts - some days I worry myself sick and some days I'm fine. Honestly after a loss or losses I think its normal to be in fear during a pregnancy - I don't feel that I or you or out of the ordinary. Just try to stay positive and think the best thoughts you can and anytime that fear pops in your head try to ignore it. I still get nervous before every dr appt and now that things are getting closer and I'm so attached to my little guy I get scared more as well.

And just so you know - while everyone in my DDC was feeling movement at like 12 weeks and on I didn't really feel my little guy until 22 weeks or so - even alittle later honestly. I think everyone is just different so don't let that scare you!! Good luck to you!
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  #3  
October 5th, 2006, 05:17 AM
hustons's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks. It's definately getting worse as my doc appts approach. I just wish I could go there today and see everything is fine. I just get worried because I dontfeel that I eat a lot, I dont know if I'm getting bigger because I'm a big girl anyway....I know my stomach always hurts by the end of the day which I consider a good thing...and I'm still always tired which again...I consider a good thing. *sigh* Why does this have to be so hard....!?
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  #4  
October 5th, 2006, 05:25 AM
koakoba's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm due pretty soon here, and I'm still afraid. It's just reality for us now. We've been hurt, and naturally, we want to protect our hearts from it happening again. I had a streatch in the middle where it was not so bad, but the closer I get now, it's all come back.
Don't worry about the eating, if you are eating when you are hungry, you are fine. It only takes 300-500 extra calories a day to grow a person. My doc has me on a 2,000 calorie diet (I developed GD, only reason I'm on a diet at all) so you can see, not much different then the average person.
Just go one day at a time, and at the end of the day, reflect a little on that. On the fact that you had one more day with your baby. Each one is a blessing.
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  #5  
October 5th, 2006, 06:48 AM
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Quote:
Ladies

I dont know how to make myself calm down but I am STILL in constant fear that this baby is going to leave me! I'm almost 18 weeks and I have a Docs appt. on Tuesday (big ultra sound) but I'm SOOOO afraid I'm going to go in there and the baby will be dead How do I calm that fear???? Someone from our DDC just lost theirs at 18w and my heart BREAKs for her!! What if this happens to me??? I'm not feeling the baby move yet which scares me (although I am plus sized....) Is there anyone out there in my boat??? How do you stay calm??? [/b]
Hello I am in the same DDC as you and when I read that post about Tracy losing her baby at 18weeks 2 days I was so upset and could not sleep at all last night. I am 19 weeks today and still worry before every appt. or when the baby does not move for a few days, I am not sure how to manage your fears, but if you find out please let me know. Seems like once I get past a certain stage I start to worry about something else. I am 5'10 and a little over weight this pregnancy and I worry sometimes is there really a baby growing in there b/c I am not showing at all, but when I when I had my ultrasound 1 1/2 weeks ago the baby was doing wonderful, the measurements are right where they need to be ( legs are measuring 1 week longer LOL. but I am tall and so is DH ) so that was very neat to see. I am sure everything will be ok, its just that are nerves are getting the best of us and most likely wont go away until baby's birthday.
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  #6  
October 5th, 2006, 09:40 AM
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Sorry you are scared. Me too. Our loss was 17 weeks. I will not feel safe until I have a full term live baby in my arms in 8 months.

Odds are, you will be fine. M/C are so rare after the 1st trimester, so based on that, you sould be ok. Mine was a total freak, not supposed to happen loss. She was healthy, some kind of infection attacked the amniotic fluid or something like that. Not supposed to happen, lucky me.

The odds didn't help me but what are you going to do??? If God has a different plan for us, we will find out.

Try to rest, and find joy in your pregnancy.

Have you tried to lay down on your back and concentrate on the baby to try to feel movement? I felt both mine really early, especially if I was lying down. I know some people don't feel anything until after 20 weeks.

Talk to you Dr. about all your fears. You have already had a loss so you Dr. should be more sympathetic to your fears at this point.

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  #7  
October 5th, 2006, 10:57 AM
margo1973's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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You are not alone in your fears and anxiety. I have had "episodes" of anxiety throughout this pg and they continue even though I am 34 weeks. The problem is is that obviously our fears are not completely irrational because we know that loses can happen at 20, 30 or even 40 weeks. That said, I think it's important to try to keep a perspective and realize that a vast majority of women at the 18 week mark go on to deliver healthy babies.

Having the diagnostic ultrasound was very stressful for me as well but I did relax considerably afer it was over and I am sure you will too. Soon you will be able to feel the baby move and get daily reassurance that he/she is doing fine.

There is no formula for staying calm. I think different things work for different people but I think sharing fears is a good way to start. And if you need to freak out accasionally, that's fine too.

I am sure your u/s will go well and you will get to see your baby. Take care and keep us posted.
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  #8  
October 6th, 2006, 05:48 AM
hustons's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Wow thanks ladies. You really do make me feel better. I decided to rent a fetal doppler from babybeat.com so that I would have some reassurance from time to time. I decided it's not healthy for me to be worrying so much. Just because it happens to one person doesn't mean it's GOING to happen to me (although I know that sounds totally insensitive!) I guess it's worth the 30 bucks a month if I can hear the baby's heartbeat whenever I want to (hopefully) and know that my little one is ok.

And I guess I don't know what to expect at this next U/S. Some of you call it a diagnostic ultrasound? What does that mean? I'll know whether or not there are major problems with the baby or if it's completely normal? Oh I can't WAIT!!!!!
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  #9  
October 6th, 2006, 09:45 AM
koakoba's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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The scan is standard, they measure everything and make sure baby is growing right. They really really measure everything. They do the brain and head, heart, kidney's, bladder. It's amazing. Plus you normally get a whole bunch of cool print outs of your little bean. Are you finding out the sex? They may give you a brief run down, but most of the time the tech will not say a whole lot. They measure everything and give it to the doctor, who goes over it all with you at your next appointment. They told me my little girl had 10 fingers and toes so one less thing to worry about

I was going to get a doppler but never did. I was too afraid I'd not be able to find the h/b and freak out. Good thing too - even my doctor has a hard time finding it, she NEVER sits still

You sound a bit more upbeat, I'm glad
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  #10  
October 6th, 2006, 08:53 PM
Kiwi*Mummie*of*4's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I remember when I found out I was pregnant this time around I was so excited yet so scared that I would lose this baby. Even now being 26 weeks pregnant I still panic that something is going to go wrong. In my due date club when we were all going for scans we had a few ladies lose their babies and it was heartbreaking and a little scary that it could happen to us. I know for me I will panic every now and then until this baby is born healthy.
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  #11  
October 8th, 2006, 07:12 AM
Stacy29's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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For me, after I reached the 2nd trimester, for some reason my fear went away. I really haven't worried much since. But I will say, once my baby started moving, that has helped even more... it's like a CONSTANT reminder that he/she is there and doing well. You're going to be just fine. I'm sure that hearing that someone else lost their little one at the place where you are now doesn't help at all... but do know that that is very uncommon at this stage.

I am so excited that you have your big u/s this week!!!! I hope you get what you're *hoping* for!!!! My gut is telling me you're having a boy... can't wait to find out!!!!!
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  #12  
October 8th, 2006, 10:00 AM
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It is very reassuring for me too to read your words. I suffered a lots in February and got pregnant again in May/June. With this pregnancy, I suffer from a lots of anxiety, at times. I hear some people passing comments around me, they do not understand fully. I wish I was just calm and confident. I am glad to read I am not alone. I am on the same boat than you.
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  #13  
October 8th, 2006, 08:49 PM
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Hi Susan, hope you don't mind me dropping in. Even though I haven't had a miscarriage, I can completely relate to your fears. I remember feeling the same way when I was 18 weeks along. I didn't have my first doctor's appointment until 18 weeks so until then, I had no way of knowing if I was even carrying a live baby. I would lie in bed at night and picture the nightmare of the appointment if there was no heartbeat. I had absolutely convinced myself that there really wouldn't be.

So we went to the appointment, the nurse put the doppler on my belly, and there was the heartbeat... and I actually cried. All that worry for nothing. Please don't let your fears overwhelm you so that you lose the joy there is to be gained by seeing your baby's ultrasound. I know that everything is fine with your little bean.

And as for not feeling any movement yet. I also experienced that. Even though I gained over 40 pounds during my pregnancy, I was not what you'd call a "big girl" before. So I didn't know why I wasn't feeling anything while everyone else already was. Some babies just need more time. If you are a bit larger, that's even more of a reason that it hasn't happened yet. I also don't believe that all babies start out with the fluttering or popping movements. I was 20 weeks and 6 days the very first time I felt Alisha. And she had no flutters--- it was two big kicks. I think she had waited until she could do some damage before she started moving around. I'll bet your baby will be the same way. Why be a "normal" baby and wiggle around for weeks when you can skip right to the kicks and be "special"? Don't worry, she'll be poking at you in no time....
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  #14  
October 8th, 2006, 10:58 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I hope you're feeling okay. I was very, well, afraid to post to you. Mostly because I lost my baby girl at 38weeks, and therefore proof that a pregnancy is never really safe. The last thing I want is to make you more paranoid.


But you know what? I've known people who have lost babies (from a few days&weeks to months, years). The truth is, life is fragile, and there is no point in any life where that life is completely safe. You asked what would happen if you lost your baby. The truth (and this may sound harsh)? You will survive. Your life will go on. It will hurt...a lot...but you can survive it, and even be happy.


What's my point? You can't control what happens. Please, enjoy your pregnancy. I spent my entire pregnancy complaining and now I wish I had enjoyed it more because it was all the time I got with my baby girl. I will be terrified my ENTIRE pregnancy for the next one, and probably all of them. But, I'm also determined to be happy and enjoy it. Even if I lose another one, I want to enjoy every moment I have with my baby.


I'm not critisizing you, please don't take it as that. Just...passing on what I wish I had done.

I'm hoping that you get to bring your baby home in March. It's such a great month to be born! (my bday is March 21)
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