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I don't know what it is. I bonded right away when I found out I was pregnant with Liam. Sure I was nervous and scared I would lose him too but I had such an attatchment right from the start. This time I'm feeling really detatched, which is hard to do since I'm sick all day and I already have quite the belly (I look like I'm about 5 months pregnant already ). I don't know, I just can't seem to get excited. Maybe because I was pregnant with Liam at a completely different time of year and this one is the exact same timing as the pregnancy I lost. Don't get me wrong, I love this baby and will do anything and everything to make sure its not going anywhere, I just feel like if I get too close then I'm setting myself up for it to die too. I feel like I'm completely off my rocker, no one close to me understands. I've tried talking to my Mom but she has never had a loss and just says "Don't be silly. I never thought about such things when I was pregnant." I can't really talk to dh either because he gets too sad and I don't want to make him more stressed than he already is. I feel so alone in this.
You're not alone. You're exactly where all of us have been as well. After back to back losses last year, followed by this pregnancy, it took me a while to be comfortable enough to start attaching. Even with frequent u/s and my doc reassuring me that this one was working, it was hard to let my emotional self get attached. I don't think I truly started letting my guard down until I first felt him kick, which was around 15 weeks. And at almost 28 weeks now, I still only have diapers and a few clothes for the little guy. No bed, no carseat, no room. I just can't quite get myself ready to start doing all of that. But I will and so will you. There's no rush and we'll be here for you.
Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
I'm having a hard time too. I have days where I feel like I'm bonding, but most of the time, I just don't want to think about it, you know? Sometimes I find it easier to just avoid doing the preparation things.
I feel like I'm gipping myself out of a great experience, but I bonded with Cora right away only to have her torn from me at the last minute. I don't know if there's a solution to this except just try to stay positive.
That's the thing. I promised myself that if I ever got pregnant again I was going to enjoy every minute of it because I was so scared during my pregnancy with Liam. And now here I am, worse than I was last time. I've been looking and researching baby things I'm going to need but I can't actually bring myself to get anything. The only thing I have is half a package of newborn diapers but thats only because they were left over from Liam and I saved them. I have to buy newborn onesies but I just can't bring myself to do it...yet. Hopefully when I get farther along I'll feel a little more secure, even though I know I'll still have my moments of panic. Thanks ladies, I feel less alone but I wish none of us ever had to feel like this at all!
I think it's completely normal. I was feeling like that after 3 losses in a row last year, and still no baby. When I found those 2 pink lines looking back at me I freaked out. I was terrified of another m/c and felt like I didn't have the strength to go through another loss.
Today is the 1st time that I've felt excited about being pg. It took having an u/s to help me. I still can't bring myself to buy anything and will most likely hold off for quite some time still. I always swore that I would enjoy every minute and in theory it's one thing, but to actually live it is another thing.
I wish you all the best. I think coming here and letting it out helps a lot. We're all in various stages of pg after loss, and can help each other.I hope things change for ya, but I know it can take some time. (((hugs)))
im having a hard time too.i think after my u/s on monday, hopefully when we see the hertbeat i will feel alot better and begin to get attached. This still doesnt seem real to me..its as if im trying to stay prepared for bad news instead of good. after 2 losses i guess its only normal one thing keeping me hopeful is my hcg levels..they never doubled or got this high with my previous pregnancies..im just praying for a heartbeat
I think it's normal hun. In the same way that our losses can effect us differently, so can our pregnancies. My Aunty experienced 2 m/c then got pregnant with Jasmine, and she was very positive right throughout the pregnancy, was able to 'bond' very early with her, she then got pregnant with Alice & she said that she didn't start bonding with her until she was born, and the emotional side of the pregnancy was totally different for her....
You are completely normal. If you don't buy this baby anything until he/she is born, it would be fine. Don't stress out over it. Just try to take care of yourself and that baby and the bond and love will come. I just know it!
Thanks so much ladies. I had an u/s last week and we saw our sweet pea and it had a nice strong heartbeat and I felt better after that but the fears have set back in since then. Its like I don't want to get myself all excited for seeing the baby and then go to my appointment in a couple weeks only to not hear a heartbeat. It was just weird, I knew the baby on the screen was mine, I know the picture I have is my baby but it feels like its someone elses. When I look at it I feel like I'm looking at someone else's u/s picture. I do love this baby, it just doesn't feel like "mine" yet.
I just made a post a little while ago in the pregnancy loss forum.. saying almost the same thing. I'm going through the motions right now more than anything. I just want to see or hear something from the baby before I think I can really let myself be excited about it. I'm hoping that after my u/s at week 14 things will get easier. But I totally can relate to not bonding this early (I'm only 2 days ahead of you). I'm still so afraid something will happen.