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Can't "bond" with the baby


Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
January 16th, 2007, 12:51 PM
**Jenn**'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: NJ
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I don't know what it is. I bonded right away when I found out I was pregnant with Liam. Sure I was nervous and scared I would lose him too but I had such an attatchment right from the start. This time I'm feeling really detatched, which is hard to do since I'm sick all day and I already have quite the belly (I look like I'm about 5 months pregnant already ). I don't know, I just can't seem to get excited. Maybe because I was pregnant with Liam at a completely different time of year and this one is the exact same timing as the pregnancy I lost. Don't get me wrong, I love this baby and will do anything and everything to make sure its not going anywhere, I just feel like if I get too close then I'm setting myself up for it to die too. I feel like I'm completely off my rocker, no one close to me understands. I've tried talking to my Mom but she has never had a loss and just says "Don't be silly. I never thought about such things when I was pregnant." I can't really talk to dh either because he gets too sad and I don't want to make him more stressed than he already is. I feel so alone in this.
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  #2  
January 16th, 2007, 01:22 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You're not alone. You're exactly where all of us have been as well. After back to back losses last year, followed by this pregnancy, it took me a while to be comfortable enough to start attaching. Even with frequent u/s and my doc reassuring me that this one was working, it was hard to let my emotional self get attached. I don't think I truly started letting my guard down until I first felt him kick, which was around 15 weeks. And at almost 28 weeks now, I still only have diapers and a few clothes for the little guy. No bed, no carseat, no room. I just can't quite get myself ready to start doing all of that. But I will and so will you. There's no rush and we'll be here for you.
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  #3  
January 16th, 2007, 01:44 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Location: Littleton, CO
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I'm having a hard time too. I have days where I feel like I'm bonding, but most of the time, I just don't want to think about it, you know? Sometimes I find it easier to just avoid doing the preparation things.

I feel like I'm gipping myself out of a great experience, but I bonded with Cora right away only to have her torn from me at the last minute. I don't know if there's a solution to this except just try to stay positive.

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  #4  
January 16th, 2007, 02:37 PM
**Jenn**'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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That's the thing. I promised myself that if I ever got pregnant again I was going to enjoy every minute of it because I was so scared during my pregnancy with Liam. And now here I am, worse than I was last time. I've been looking and researching baby things I'm going to need but I can't actually bring myself to get anything. The only thing I have is half a package of newborn diapers but thats only because they were left over from Liam and I saved them. I have to buy newborn onesies but I just can't bring myself to do it...yet. Hopefully when I get farther along I'll feel a little more secure, even though I know I'll still have my moments of panic. Thanks ladies, I feel less alone but I wish none of us ever had to feel like this at all!
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  #5  
January 16th, 2007, 03:24 PM
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I think it's completely normal. I was feeling like that after 3 losses in a row last year, and still no baby. When I found those 2 pink lines looking back at me I freaked out. I was terrified of another m/c and felt like I didn't have the strength to go through another loss.

Today is the 1st time that I've felt excited about being pg. It took having an u/s to help me. I still can't bring myself to buy anything and will most likely hold off for quite some time still. I always swore that I would enjoy every minute and in theory it's one thing, but to actually live it is another thing.

I wish you all the best. I think coming here and letting it out helps a lot. We're all in various stages of pg after loss, and can help each other.I hope things change for ya, but I know it can take some time. (((hugs)))
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  #6  
January 16th, 2007, 03:42 PM
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im having a hard time too.i think after my u/s on monday, hopefully when we see the hertbeat i will feel alot better and begin to get attached. This still doesnt seem real to me..its as if im trying to stay prepared for bad news instead of good. after 2 losses i guess its only normal one thing keeping me hopeful is my hcg levels..they never doubled or got this high with my previous pregnancies..im just praying for a heartbeat
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  #7  
January 16th, 2007, 05:18 PM
Gaby&Emmy'sMama's Avatar aka NZ-Emma
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I think it's normal hun. In the same way that our losses can effect us differently, so can our pregnancies. My Aunty experienced 2 m/c then got pregnant with Jasmine, and she was very positive right throughout the pregnancy, was able to 'bond' very early with her, she then got pregnant with Alice & she said that she didn't start bonding with her until she was born, and the emotional side of the pregnancy was totally different for her....
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  #8  
January 16th, 2007, 05:48 PM
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You are completely normal. If you don't buy this baby anything until he/she is born, it would be fine. Don't stress out over it. Just try to take care of yourself and that baby and the bond and love will come. I just know it!
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  #9  
January 17th, 2007, 07:09 AM
**Jenn**'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks so much ladies. I had an u/s last week and we saw our sweet pea and it had a nice strong heartbeat and I felt better after that but the fears have set back in since then. Its like I don't want to get myself all excited for seeing the baby and then go to my appointment in a couple weeks only to not hear a heartbeat. It was just weird, I knew the baby on the screen was mine, I know the picture I have is my baby but it feels like its someone elses. When I look at it I feel like I'm looking at someone else's u/s picture. I do love this baby, it just doesn't feel like "mine" yet.
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Our angel baby forever missed--1/3/03

Ailish Laura born October 20th, 2012.
8lbs 12oz and 20.75 inches

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  #10  
January 17th, 2007, 09:40 AM
AndoriaC's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I just made a post a little while ago in the pregnancy loss forum.. saying almost the same thing. I'm going through the motions right now more than anything. I just want to see or hear something from the baby before I think I can really let myself be excited about it. I'm hoping that after my u/s at week 14 things will get easier. But I totally can relate to not bonding this early (I'm only 2 days ahead of you). I'm still so afraid something will happen.
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  #11  
January 17th, 2007, 09:46 AM
Spotis's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I know how you feel. It has been hard for me to bond with this baby. I want so badly to be excited, but I feel like it's still "too early" and that so much can still go wrong. It's hard.
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