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My baby Sam (I never found out if it was a boy or a girl but I dreamt boy) would have been a year old on April 26.
Coincidently, April 26 is the day I am getting my big 20 week ultrasound for this baby.
I don't even know how I am supposed to feel.
I want to feel sad and set the day aside to reflect on what my life would have been like with a one year old and how much different everything would have been.
But I want to be excited for this baby who is seeming like (s)he's going to stick around for a bit.
I already spent a year mourning Baby Sam (who I lost in November 2005).
It's like the loss of my first baby has consumed this pregnancy. I wasn't really even acknowledging this baby until about a month or so ago....I was too afraid I would get attached and then lose it like I did the last one.
Has anyone else had to deal with something like this?
I do know what you are talking about. I have not been able to bond as much as I would like with this baby at first. I just wanted to make it past 16 weeks (when I lost the last baby) before I really started getting excited. I understand the fear of going through the loss again.
At the same time, I have also spend a lot of thinking about how my life would be different if I did not lose the first baby. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I have had to come to the conclusion that there was a reason that that happened. Yes, my life would be different, but I would not have this baby I am carrying right now. Who's to say my life would have been better? In fact, in my case it most likely would NOT be better at all because my life is pretty good right now. I spent way to much time thinking about what things would be like if I had not lost the baby that I lost sight of what was happening at the moment. Does that make any sense.
I have come to the point where I just want to be happy about this baby at this time. I know it is easier said then done. I hope you can find some peace around all this.
I completely understand how you feel!! My dh went to kiss my belly the other day and I told him not too. He asked me why I don't let him and I really couldn't answer. I just feel like it makes it more real the more people talk about it and it makes me nervous. What if's start to consume me. I hate feeling this way cause it's not fair to my little one and truth be known I don't think it would make it any less painful if something were to happen.
However, I also understand what Laura is saying. This is definitely going to be my last and if I had not lost my first then this baby would have never had a chance. I have to believe that all things happen for a reason!!!