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Feeling Guilty


Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
September 24th, 2005, 05:29 AM
**Jenn**'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2005
Location: NJ
Posts: 11,433
I miscarried my first at about 5 1/2-6 weeks in January 2003. We didn't tell hardly anyone about it so most people don't know (just very immediate family). Since then we weren't trying but not doing much to prevent either, we figured whatever happens will happen. Now that I'm pregnant again people always ask me if this is my first. I always tell them yes but I feel so bad like I'm betraying my first baby in a way by not acknowledging him/her. But I also don't want to go into my personal history with everyone who asks and explain the story. I guess I just feel guilty and sad about the first baby and don't know how to not feel guilty but also keep our privacy. We also have some family that do not approve of this baby--and have no problem saying so--since we're not married yet (even though we were engaged 8 months when I found out) and are not canceling our wedding plans to have a "shotgun wedding". I guess it just makes me more mad when we encounter not so nice remarks about this pregnancy when I already lost one and had a very hard time moving past it. Sorry, I think I'm rambling now. We're so ecstatic about our little boy coming but I still can't help but feel guilty for not acknowledging our first. How do I feel better about all of this?

Jenn
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Our angel baby forever missed--1/3/03

Ailish Laura born October 20th, 2012.
8lbs 12oz and 20.75 inches

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  #2  
September 25th, 2005, 12:24 PM
JennL
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Please, please don't feel guilty!! You shouldn't have to pour out your family history to anyone - and its perfectly acceptable and normal for you to say that this is your first child. I feel like this is our first child -and i've m/c'd twice before. The way that I see it is that this is going to be the 1st real time that my husband and I have experienced a pregnancy from start to finish. Plus, it really depends on how you view your loss. Of course I am still very sad about our losses, but they were both so early on in the pregnancy that I really didn't have enough time to truly bond with either of them before they were lost. There was never a heartbeat with either of them - and honestly that helped for me to be able to deal with it easier, as I feel that without a heartbeat, there was never truly a life lost, although still really sad.


People will always have their own opinions of "what is right or proper", which usually is very antiquated and old-fashioned. Personally, all that matters is what you and your fiance feel is right. You shouldn't have to change your marriage plans - and you're certainly not the first person to get pregnant after getting engaged - happens all the time!

Just please don't feel guilty - or let others make you feel guilty. Enjoy your pregnancy! and congratulations on your upcoming marriage!! You can share whatever you'd like with other people, but certainly don't feel like you have to tell everyone everything, only share what you're comfortable with.

Best of luck with everything!!

~Jenn
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  #3  
September 29th, 2005, 03:35 PM
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 26
Quote:
Originally posted by JennL@Sep 25 2005, 03:24 PM
Please, please don't feel guilty!! You shouldn't have to pour out your family history to anyone - and its perfectly acceptable and normal for you to say that this is your first child.* I feel like this is our first child -and i've m/c'd twice before.* The way that I see it is that this is going to be the 1st real time that my husband and I have experienced a pregnancy from start to finish.* Plus, it really depends on how you view your loss.* Of course I am still very sad about our losses, but they were both so early on in the pregnancy that I really didn't have enough time to truly bond with either of them before they were lost.* There was never a heartbeat with either of them - and honestly that helped for me to be able to deal with it easier, as I feel that without a heartbeat, there was never truly a life lost, although still really sad.


People will always have their own opinions of "what is right or proper", which usually is very antiquated and old-fashioned.* Personally, all that matters is what you and your fiance feel is right.* You shouldn't have to change your marriage plans - and you're certainly not the first person to get pregnant after getting engaged - happens all the time!*

Just please don't feel guilty - or let others make you feel guilty.* Enjoy your pregnancy! and congratulations on your upcoming marriage!!* You can share whatever you'd like with other people, but certainly don't feel like you have to tell everyone everything, only share what you're comfortable with.

Best of luck with everything!!*

~Jenn
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I agree it all depends on how you view your lost. B/c I won't be able to say that my new pregnancy (whenever that happens) is my 1st child. We were at the halfway point with Khalil. We have pictures of my little boy and we have memorial cards from his burial and urns around our necks (me and my honey)

I agree with the part about her not feeling guilty...and enjoying her pregnancy. You be happy for your situation!!! Regardless to WHAT anyone thinks! Good luck!!
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  #4  
September 30th, 2005, 04:38 PM
**Jenn**'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2005
Location: NJ
Posts: 11,433
Thanks ladies. It's hard but I'm trying. As I get further along I do get more excited and I just love feeling him move (even when he's kicking my bladder and almost making me wet my pants ). I had some spotting and bad cramps at 19 weeks which freaked me out and of course thought it was all over again but had everything checked out and baby and all looked great so that was a huge relief. I don't think I'll feel better until I have this little guy in my arms though. Trying to enjoy as much as possible though. Thanks!
__________________
Our angel baby forever missed--1/3/03

Ailish Laura born October 20th, 2012.
8lbs 12oz and 20.75 inches

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