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This is the first time I have ever been really excited about Christmas, and the weird thing is, I was supposed to be due the day after Christmas this year with my first baby. I keep thinking of how big I would be and how I would feel if I hadn't lost that baby. I haven't really gotten sad yet but I wonder if I will when it gets to that day. I think the only thing holding me together is the fact that I am pregnant again and that everything is going great with this baby. I kinda feel weird that I'm not sadder....
christmas can be a funny old time of the year for those of us who've experienced a pregnancy loss, or losses. I find that I always think a lot more about my angels at this time of the year, I suppose it is normal, because Christmas is (meant to be) such a joyous time of the year, and such a family orientated time. I can imagine that it's strange for you, being pregnant when you are approaching the EDD of your first baby.. and that there are bound to be a few different emotions going on!
Although it's different, I was pregnant with Gaby when the EDD of my 2nd loss came around.... and I felt as though on that day I should have been sad, and not particularly happy - but because I was pregnant & somewhat close to having my baby (i'd have been 3 months from having Gaby), I had something positive to concentrate on, which took away some of that pain...
I've had my moments already. I feel like I've been extra emotional. I'm sure some of it's hormonal but I know a lot of it has to do with me missing Annika. I just keep thinking about us having the holidays without her. She would have been a year already. I'm sure she would have been mesmerized by the lights on the tree and wanting to grap ornaments off of it. I think I've cried more this week about it than I have in a long time.
I just feel real sad that we can't share these special moments with her.
I'm a lot like Sheila. Cora would have been 19 months old, probably walking...
But, I also have Erin to appreciate Christmas with, so my emotions are all a jumble too.
Don't try to force yourself to be sad. You've got something positive to focus on. You also probably have that disconnect of the fact that if you hadn't lost your first baby, you wouldn't be pregnant with the one you are pregnant with now.
Just let yourself feel what you feel. And if that means you cry on Christmas morning, so be it!! And if not...don't be sad that you aren't sad.
I find the closer it gets the sadder I get. I am try to focus on the pg now and how I will be a whole 18 weeks at Christmas! But then I start thinking about being pg last year with Hannah. My sister gave me a onsie for her that I opened in front of my Dad. That was how we told him. I just don't know if I am going to be able to keep together this year especially during Christmas with my Dad. That memory just keeps flooding back.
Saying that however, it always amazing me things that make really upset and things that don't. I thought Nov would be hard for me since it was when I got pg with Hannah but I wasn't really that upset. There is no explaining it really but PLEASE don't feel like if you are not sad enough you don't miss your angel as much because it is not true.