Esmee's pregnancy journal no#2 Update June 14th

KatieLove · #1 May 11th, 2011, 02:52 AM

I will try to keep this journal updated. And it might not all be pleasant, but I have to write it down.

Last Saturday, May 7th, I found out I am pregnant again. A lot of you will tell me how happy you are for me, but I just don't feel it. It is a huge shock, a huge surprise. I have cried for day's and it is on my mind all the time. Maybe we are selfish but both me and my fianc� are not ready for an other child. I want to be there for my sweet daughter 24/7, full 100% and I feel that I can't do that having an other one. I know this baby can't be to blame and I will not give it away or abort it. That is no option. We both feel the same way about that. But I just do not want to be pregnant. I could cry again writing this. Selfish, I know. I pretend to be happy and am trying to cheer myself up by looking at baby stuff, old ultrasounds and reading posts in the January 2012 DD, but it only makes me more sad actually.
It makes it more real that I will have to share my daughter with an other child. All planns we had are going to be changed. I think I will not even fit my wedding gown anymore end of August.

No idea how far along I am at the moment. I think anywhere between 5-7 weeks.
My ultrasound is scheduled for May 20th and my first appt is scheduled for May 23rd

Here is my BFP taken saturday May 7th and my first belly picture

Update May 21st.

Last couple weeks were very difficult for both of us. We talked and cried a lot. I felt guilty for the fact that we are pregnant. But we also started to talk about the more fun stuff. The fact that DD gets a little brother of sister means she will always have something incase we aren�t there for her anymore. And they can play together on holidays etc. Then we started to think about re decorating our home, because we only have 2 bedrooms. We can make one other. We can change the diningroom into an other bedroom, by placing a little wall. But then we thought, why not searching for a propper home! So now I will fill in a form on Monday for new build houses which are finished beginning for January 2012! (Which ofcourse would be perfect).

I got my first ultrasound yesterday moring and (in a huge hospital where lots of people work in that dept) we got the same doctor for it. She was so amazing and kind when I was pregnant with DD. And she still was yesterday. She decided it would be best to have an internal US, because I had no idea how far along I am. I thought approx. 7 or 8 weeks but it turned out MUCH shorter. Which I can't really understand. I have had symptomes 3,5 weeks ago and got a very clear BFP over 2 weeks ago. Anyway, baby measured 4mm and no heartbeat just yet. We received a picture, but I do not feel like posting it yet, because there is just nothing to be seen besides a very very tiny baby (blurry). My new appt is in 10 days and I hope to get a strong heartbeat by then.

June 14 2011

I can't believe how much is changed these past 2 months for me. Right now we are starting to look forward to a little brother or sister for DD. My last US was wonderfull. We saw a heartbeat and I measured 8.0 weeks at that point. Which means I am now 9 weeks and 4 days. Due Date will be January 13th. We are still very busy with the wedding. We have an appt. next Saturday to see the horses and carriages. We chose a white one. It looks great, this is the one we chose:

Still need some shoes

But I have 2 more months to search for some nice ones. And I really really hope I will still fit my dress end of August.

My symptomes are starting to disappear. No nausea (did not have it much but it is totally gone now). No BB hurting, no dizzyness/fatique. The only thing that reminds me of being pregnant is the fact that I can't really sleep well. I hear/see everything. I sleep so lightly and that tires me a lot.
Best news ever is that we signed the papers for our house today! I can't believe we will be moving end of this year

alleusion · #2 May 11th, 2011, 04:44 AM

Oh hun, when you're ready, we'll be there to congratulate you fully. I know how you feel...I was so not ready to be pregnant with Tristan. It was such a huge shock and couldn't have come at a worse time. It took until fairly far along in the pregnancy that I came to terms with it all.

~Daniell~ · #3 May 11th, 2011, 05:44 AM

Its okay to cry, be shocked, and have these thoughts. You and your fiance will grow to accept the baby and be happy. Once he/she is here it probably won't feel like you are sharing Lenthe with the new baby, the new baby will fit right in and I am sure Lenthe will love having a sibling. Once you see them two playing together, you will fall in love all over again.

KatieLove · #4 May 11th, 2011, 09:51 AM

thank you both so much! That is actually what I am trying to think about. I am trying to imagen them playing together. I am sure my daughter will love to be a big sister.
They will not even be 2 years apart and will be able to do a lot together.

Amazona · #5 May 12th, 2011, 10:19 AM

Oh honey I just saw your post.
Like the girls said, it�s ok to feel whatever you want to feel!.
I know a few girls who went through that and I guess it�s never easy to receive such a surprise when you�re not ready. But it�ll be ok. One of my friends was even thinking of not having the baby at all and one day, she came to terms with it and started enjoying it.
So if it�s hard for you to think about this pregnancy, don�t do it for a while. One day you�ll feel something and it�ll come to you.
Lenthe is going to be a great big sister

and it�ll melt your heart looking at her take care of her brother/sister, you�ll see!.
In the meantime, feel free to vent, cry, whatever you need. We�re here for you

alleusion · #6 May 12th, 2011, 04:49 PM

FWIW...when I got pregnant with Tristan, I was so mad at myself. Like furious mad. I didn't want to even try for another baby until I was back in Canada. I wanted to wait until Emily was at least 2 so that I could have lots of bonding time and actually enjoy her toddlerhood. Tamberly and Michael are 18 months apart and while I did that on purpose, I didn't want to have 2 that close together again. It took me a long time to stop being mad at myself for getting pregnant again. When Tristan came, I forgot all about that and was instantly in love with him.