A place to share stories of grief about your birth. Whether you had a c-section or a vaginal birth, doesn't matter. This is a place for ALL grieving moms to support each other.
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With both my children, I grieve that for some reason I could not cope with my labours, and ended up in theatre having a ventouse delivery for my son and an emergency c-section for my daughter - resulting in both of them spending time in neonatal after birth.
I grieve for the experience of childbirth. At 33 weeks my bp started to rise. I was put on medication and monitored. Because of my bp and my family's history of pre-e (I never had any protein in my urine or any other signs, thank goodness), my wonderful midwife and OB team talked about induction at 39 weeks. This was also due to the fact that all of baby's measurements from week 32 were showing 2 weeks ahead so they thought she was getting really big. My entire pregnancy, I had planned for an intervention-free birth, but I really trusted (and still do trust) my midwife and OB team.
At 39w and some odd days, I had shown no signs of going into labor and at 6am on the 28th I was admitted to be induced. Long story short, over the course of the next 48 hours I had 2 rounds of prepidil the first day and 1 round of cytotec the next, I caved the first night and got a shot for pain relief so I could rest. I only got to 5cm. They broke my water, but I never progressed. They wanted to do pit, but after already been through the prepidil twice and the cytotec, I knew the contractions and lack of rest would be too much. I got the epidural which hurt SO much. After that they started the pit and inserted an intrauterine cath to monitor my contractions. They had to keep increasing the pit because my contractions wouldn't get regular. I was on pit at least 12 hours and I never progressed. Almost exactly 48 hours after I was admitted, the baby started showing signs of mild distress and a c section was decided on. I knew that my body had quit and I wanted to meet my baby. I wasn't scared. It was all a very calm process because it wasn't an emergency yet. One of the anesthesiologists even looked at me once I was in the OR on the table and said "You're the calmest c-section I've had in a long time." I smiled and said "I'm ready to meet my little girl, that's all". Everyone knew my situation, how I tried for the last 48 hours with just about every intervention possible.
The c section was uncomfortable, all the pressure and pushing. Anna did great, though. I was able to have almost immediate skin-to-skin with her which was so amazing and I'm so glad I could. After about 10 minutes of skin-to-skin, I started feeling nauseous so I gave her to her dad. I'm sad that I felt so sick that I had to cut the skin-to-skin short, but I know I'm very lucky that I was able to have any at all.
To cut the rest of this short, I desperately wanted to breastfeed, but after 5 days my milk still hadn't come in and Anna had lost too much weight. We started supplementing. I still tried nursing before every feeding, but I am 4 weeks PP now and my milk never did come in. The doctors and nurses say it's from all the stress of the labor, plus my incision became infected on my second day home and I am still on antibiotics and changing a re-opened incision dressing daily. Not being able to breastfeed may be even worse for me than not having the natural birth I wanted.
I also grieve the involvement my SO has had to have in my recovery. I had to have his help in the hospital to change my pads, shower, even change from one gown to another. He is also the one changing the dressing on my infected incision. Not only just changing the dressing, but it needs packed daily because the infection created holes in the tissue. He's been amazing, though. Never complained once about anything. We were only together a couple months before I got pregnant and neither one of us was ready, but I can't believe how he's stepped up to the plate. I grieve for him because he never asked for any of this.
And lastly, I grieve because this may be my only child and I may only ever have this birth experience to think back on. I hope that I can cope and heal so that it isn't a memory of failure.