Log In Sign Up

What do you grieve?


Broken heart - not broken Woman

A place to share stories of grief about your birth. Whether you had a c-section or a vaginal birth, doesn't matter. This is a place for ALL grieving moms to support each other.

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Broken heart - not broken Woman LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
May 1st, 2010, 01:39 PM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: I'm a husker girl :)
Posts: 16,335
What about your experience makes you the most upset?
__________________

Maverick Jude
December 9, 2013
5:20PM 8lb3oz 20.5"
Hospital water birth
Reply With Quote
  #2  
May 1st, 2010, 08:12 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 7,430
Oh gosh..

there are a list of things that make me upset..

-My water breaking 2 weeks early...
-Getting put on Pit rougly 5 hours after my water broke
-Feeling rushed throughout the whole labor process
-Not enough support from DH
-Being threatened with a c-section
-Having a cervical exam during a contraction when the OB could have waited
-My OB having no bed side manner whatsoever
-My MW not staying until I delivered
-Ending up with an epidural

I think the main thing is being rushed... I was giving birth in a hospital and of course they want you in and out to free up the room for the next... They don't exactly let nature take its course.
__________________
*9 weeks * 4/11/13
*5 weeks * 6/22/13
Reply With Quote
  #3  
May 2nd, 2010, 08:13 AM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: the edge of reason
Posts: 1,703
I mourned the birth I didn't get with ds1. We were planning a homebirth and I ended up being induced at the hospital because he died. My first home visit was supposed to be the following week.

I never wanted to step foot on the L&D floor unless absolutely medically necessary. I was treated poorly because we were planning a homebirth. It was assumed I had glucose intolerance issues because I'm fluffy. The OB on call had poor bedside manners. I felt incriminated. The induction itself was straightforward and pretty fast, but it was all very traumatic. I had been planning/wanting a homebirth since my second pregnancy and fantasized about the experience, but deep down I had this feeling that I wasn't going to get my homebirth. I had a very gloom and doom feeling about the pregnancy that I couldn't shake. My worst fear became reality.

I mourned the loss of my sweet boy and the birth I had long planned and hoped for.
__________________
Aeon, mama to Grace, 12/04; Evangeline, 11/06; Duncan, 11/08 ; and Henry, 12/09. Ruby Eléonore Rose due 12/1/14.




Reply With Quote
  #4  
May 2nd, 2010, 08:22 AM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: the edge of reason
Posts: 1,703
having some issues with posting*
__________________
Aeon, mama to Grace, 12/04; Evangeline, 11/06; Duncan, 11/08 ; and Henry, 12/09. Ruby Eléonore Rose due 12/1/14.





Last edited by Aeterna; May 2nd, 2010 at 08:57 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
May 2nd, 2010, 08:53 AM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: the edge of reason
Posts: 1,703
<snip>
__________________
Aeon, mama to Grace, 12/04; Evangeline, 11/06; Duncan, 11/08 ; and Henry, 12/09. Ruby Eléonore Rose due 12/1/14.





Last edited by Aeterna; May 2nd, 2010 at 09:00 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
May 3rd, 2010, 02:50 PM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 9,810
What i regret the most was that they had to take her to be monitored for almost 2 hours immediately after birth and I didn't get to hold her right away (they held her for a sec so I could see her and then whisked her away)...It makes me sad thinking that her first hour+ was spent disoriented and not snuggling with me
__________________
Lara

Savannah Stylin!





Remembered Forever with Love
10/13/2008 (@9w2d) 10/18/2011 (@8w5d) 2/12/2012 (@4w3d) 8/13/2012 (@10w3d)
Reply With Quote
  #7  
May 4th, 2010, 08:22 AM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: I'm a husker girl :)
Posts: 16,335
I really, REALLY grive my induction in general. It was so out of the blue and unexpected! I mean, on Tuesday I was taken off such strict bedrest (and I honestly changed nothing that I had been doing between Tuesday and Friday) and then on Friday they thought I was going to die.

I also really am traumatized by her presentation at birth - grey, limp, lifeless. 1 & 5 minute apgars were both 0 - the NICU team rushing in (never took her though, Thank God)..

and I am really grieving the fact that I don't remember the first time I breastfed her, the first time I really held her, none of that. I was so exhausted I just wanted to sleep. I was so exhausted the entire time we were in the hospital that we didn't take, like, any pictures. I think I have 5 total from the hospital and only 1 of me and her the night she was born.
__________________

Maverick Jude
December 9, 2013
5:20PM 8lb3oz 20.5"
Hospital water birth
Reply With Quote
  #8  
May 4th, 2010, 10:34 AM
WhoaMomma!'s Avatar Danielle
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 8,446
I think the number 1 thing I struggle with is wishing I hadn't capitulated to the induction. My dd almost died. I think if I had been with anyone other than my mw there's a good chance they would have taken my uterus while I was unconscious. The whole experience was traumatic for both my DH and me. And I can't shake the belief that it would have all been avoided if I had just said NO. And it's not like I didn't know better and trusted someone blah blah blah. I knew. And yet I let them scare me into it. It just makes me so filled with regret to think about it.
__________________

My daughter is perfect, but her birth was not. If you or someone you love is struggling to cope with a traumatic childbirth experience, please visit http://www.solaceformothers.org/
Reply With Quote
  #9  
May 5th, 2010, 10:30 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,741
About Noah's birth... The fact that he kept turning sideways and the nurse still had me push because she was at the end of her shift and just didn't give a crap what was going on. The pain of the doctor reaching in there to turn Noah countless times is still VERY fresh in my mind, and the whole forceps ordeal. I was so tore up and sore and that's what I think about everytime I think about Noah's delivery.

About Nicky's birth... There wasn't really anything that went horrible during the delivery, but all that day (he was born at 2:32 in the morning) I knew something was wrong with him and nobody believed me. Dh told me he didn't hear anything strange with Nicky's breathing, my mom said she didn't notice anything, the nurse basically told me I was hearing things and just having new baby worries. With everybody telling me they weren't hearing anything, I didn't push it and just let it go and the next morning when his pediatrician took him for his circumcision, she came back and told me they didn't do the circumcision and that Nicky was in the NICU because of the way he was breathing. I felt AWFUL that I KNEW something was wrong and let everyone talk me out of doing anything about it.. I felt like I failed him because I knew something was wrong and didn't stand up for him! And then with him being in the NICU and no one knowing for sure what was wrong with him, I felt like I had done something during the pregnancy that caused him to have problems.. I blamed myself for his medical conditions for a LOOOOOOONG time and still wonder if I had done something differently during pregnancy or if I just wasn't so sick during it if it would have made a difference and he wouldn't have to go through all this.
__________________
Andrea, Mama to.. Noah (2006), Nickolas (2007), Alyzabeth (2008), and Savannah (2010)


Many Many Thanks to GraysMama (Chelsea) for my AMAZING Siggy!!!

Reply With Quote
  #10  
May 6th, 2010, 02:47 PM
Regular
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 52
I can relate to some of the other postings. I felt soo rushed and exhausted when I had my first child and I felt like I didn't enjoy the process at all and that the hospital just wanted to kick me out as soon as possible. Luckily I live in a metro area where there are other medical centers nearby. I suggest to all my friends that they talk with area friends about where they went to have their child and what the experience was like, even if you have a great doctor, some medical centers are just awful.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
May 6th, 2010, 03:34 PM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: United States
Posts: 20,687
Which time?

WIth Patrick (c-section for breech) I wish I had been more adamant when I told them I thought he was breech. What did I know? I was a 22 year old first time mom.

With Michael. I wish I had prepared better. I wish I had taken a NCB class, or even read about it. I got to the hospital at 6 cm when they admitted me. They had sent me home to walk because I was only 2, I went from 2-6 in 40 minutes and got the epidural as soon as I got there. It then took 10 hours to get complete. I couldn't push well, he was malpositioned (probably because of the AROM). It ended with a forceps delivery and vaginal reconstruction. Had I known more I think I would have had him within a few hours of getting admitted.

No real regrets with Caroleigh. Labor was about 4 hours. I delivered her naturally about an hour after arriving in the hospital.

My biggest regrets are with Evie. I transferred to a different doc because I thought he would be better, but he wasn't. I regret going into the hospital to get checked. I wasn't in labor yet. I was dilated, but not enough. I was there forever and then agreed to let him rupture my membranes at 11 am (stupid) my labor stopped. He was just a bad choice of doctors, pushing the epidural, wanting me to schedule a repeat c-section because she was a 'big baby' (she was 8 lb 4 oz at birth, my first VBAC was 9 lb 14- so she wasn't too big for me). I mostly hate that he checked my scar after she was born. That is an unsafe practice and he didn't ask me if he could. I just wish I had NEVER chosen him as my provider, it was a huge mistake!
__________________

When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7
Sail Back to Me
Reply With Quote
  #12  
June 23rd, 2010, 10:04 PM
KiwiMommy's Avatar Ashlynn's Mama
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 3,779
I was lurking, but I'll post..
I grieve that I didn't get ANY of the birthing experience I wanted.
The nurse spent her time rushing in, telling me to push and hurry up, making me cry my eyes out, then leaving..over and over. She also used a c-section as a threat until I told her fine, do it. (I didn't get the c-section though)
That my daughter was too big for me to get out.. She got stuck (hence why the pushing WASN'T WORKING! The nurse was full of it) and a vacuum was needed to get her out.
I didn't get to see or hold her for a bit because there was meconium in the fluid..
My mom didn't get to cut her cord like we had planned.
and I don't remember much of anything. All I remember from the first time BF'ing her was relaxing immediately. I can barely remember holding her..
and I let the nurses push me around like I had done something wrong..
__________________
Kailey(21) Cloth diapering, breastfeeding, babywearing, extended RF'ing, slightly crazy mommy to Ashlynn (3 1/2 * 1/28/10) and Matthew (13 months * 6/20/12)


Thank you peimum for the gorgeous siggy!
Reply With Quote
  #13  
June 27th, 2010, 09:32 AM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: I'm a husker girl :)
Posts: 16,335
Thank you so much for sharing your stories ladies


I wish all of our next births will go exactly like we dream and it will aid in helping us heal from any birth trauma we feel
__________________

Maverick Jude
December 9, 2013
5:20PM 8lb3oz 20.5"
Hospital water birth
Reply With Quote
  #14  
July 15th, 2010, 10:55 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 122
Not getting to hear their first cries.

That this may be our last babies because I now have a terrible mistrust of Doctors. I'd go to a midwife, but now I have had 2 c-sections and I'm not sure a midwife would do a vbac with me
__________________
Jenny

Mom to Ashley, Jacob, Joe, Jace and missing Jaren, born still on 6/11/09

excited to welcome our girls born 4/30/2010 !!!



Reply With Quote
  #15  
July 15th, 2010, 02:46 PM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: I'm a husker girl :)
Posts: 16,335
welcome Jenny

I know a lot of midwives will see vba2c and have great outcomes and success rates...where do you live?
__________________

Maverick Jude
December 9, 2013
5:20PM 8lb3oz 20.5"
Hospital water birth
Reply With Quote
  #16  
August 8th, 2010, 11:29 AM
*Candi*'s Avatar Candi
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 8,645
I grieve that I didnt properly educate myself on getting through contractions, I totally underestimated how completely they take over your whole body if you dont know what to do.

I also grieve that I didnt get the support I needed from DH. I think I knew all along that he really didnt get how much I needed him, but I also blame myself for not forcing the birthing classes with him. I feel like if I had better support I would have been able to make it twice as long without the epi and made more progress.
__________________

Thank you GraysMama for an awesome siggy!


Reply With Quote
  #17  
August 10th, 2010, 07:15 AM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: I'm a husker girl :)
Posts: 16,335
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Candi* View Post
I grieve that I didnt properly educate myself on getting through contractions, I totally underestimated how completely they take over your whole body if you dont know what to do.

I also grieve that I didnt get the support I needed from DH. I think I knew all along that he really didnt get how much I needed him, but I also blame myself for not forcing the birthing classes with him. I feel like if I had better support I would have been able to make it twice as long without the epi and made more progress.

Hi Candi, it's nice to see you here!!
I'm so sorry you feel like you didn't have the support you needed from your husband. Have you talked to him about that? Please feel free to come here and vent or discuss anything you need to.
__________________

Maverick Jude
December 9, 2013
5:20PM 8lb3oz 20.5"
Hospital water birth
Reply With Quote
  #18  
August 10th, 2010, 01:00 PM
*Candi*'s Avatar Candi
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 8,645
Hi Chels!

I'm not sure how to approach my DH about it.... I dont want to make him feel badly because he did try to help, he just did NOT know how to help.... which is partly my fault for expecting him to know, and partly his fault for not wanting to take birthing classes.....

I dont think it ever really sank in for him that I NEEDED him.... I think he more or less felt helpless. And I did have a very long birth (I went into labour tuesday evening around 11 and didnt have hunter until thursday morning at 5am.... but I was VERY resentful of the few hours sleep he would catch.... I think I still am a bit, LOL.

If I decide to vbac, which I am leaning towards right now, I want to take birthing classes, but I want to find a way other than just that to make him see how much he could do, kwim?
__________________

Thank you GraysMama for an awesome siggy!


Reply With Quote
  #19  
August 10th, 2010, 04:41 PM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: I'm a husker girl :)
Posts: 16,335
Even if you don't hope for a pain med free VBAC, I would sooooo highly recommend Bradley classes for you guys. the foundation of Bradley is that the coach (usually the husband/father) knows exactly what to expect when the mom is in labor, what positions to get her into to speed things up, what signs to watch for to avoid a c-section, etc. If nothing else, read the books!

I bet that would be really hard to bring up. I am pretty blunt with Sam and just flat out tell him how I feel (I have a lot of resentment toward him from our first week home) and I don't really care how he feels at the moment, because what I'm upset about he didn't care about me at that moment.
__________________

Maverick Jude
December 9, 2013
5:20PM 8lb3oz 20.5"
Hospital water birth
Reply With Quote
  #20  
August 10th, 2010, 07:22 PM
*Candi*'s Avatar Candi
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 8,645
I do really want to do Bradley classes for the next baby, I have heard SO much about them.

I think I need to bring up the idea of a VBAC with him first, and then talk to him about how much more I will need his support ect if I have a vbac. I have been thinking also though that I may ask my BFF to be a coach... she just had an amazingly successful homebirth and I think she would be amazing. I think because I had a midwife, DH also kinda thought it was their job to be the 'cheerleader' ect. He has a funny view about a lot of things.... I think if he wouldnt have KNOWN I would have smacked him he would have asked to stay in the waiting room.... LOL
__________________

Thank you GraysMama for an awesome siggy!


Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:52 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0