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Broken heart - not broken Woman

A place to share stories of grief about your birth. Whether you had a c-section or a vaginal birth, doesn't matter. This is a place for ALL grieving moms to support each other.

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  #1  
May 5th, 2010, 01:37 PM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: I'm a husker girl :)
Posts: 16,335
Name:

DC name:


Type of birth:


Why are you "here":


One POSITIVE experience about your birth:
__________________

Maverick Jude
December 9, 2013
5:20PM 8lb3oz 20.5"
Hospital water birth
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  #2  
May 11th, 2010, 09:53 AM
WhoaMomma!'s Avatar Danielle
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 8,446
Name: Danielle

DC name: Claire


Type of birth: failed induction / emergency c-section


Why are you "here": I have great sadness, anger, resentment, disappointment, and guilt regarding my dd's birth. I feel like I have been pregnant, have a baby, but have never "given birth." It makes me feel sometimes like not a REAL mother - like I'm incomplete. And then I feel guilty for thinking that.


One POSITIVE experience about your birth: My DH was proud of the effort I put forward. I think that's about the only thing that makes me feel good about the experience. And of course that I brought home a healthy baby afterwards.
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My daughter is perfect, but her birth was not. If you or someone you love is struggling to cope with a traumatic childbirth experience, please visit http://www.solaceformothers.org/
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  #3  
May 11th, 2010, 04:29 PM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: United States
Posts: 20,687
Name: Meghan

DC name: Patrick, Michael, Caroleigh, Evangeline, Colm


Type of birth: Pat- c-section, Mike- VBAC, epidural, forceps, vaginal reconstruction, Caroleigh- VBAC, med free hospital birth, Evie- pain med free, full of interventions VBAC with sOB, Colm- vaginal induction for stillbirth at 24 weeks


Why are you "here": mostly it is my birth with Evie that brings me here. I *knew better and let him rupture my membranes, it stalled my labor. I agreed to pitocin. I almost asked for the epidural I didn't want. He kept asking me over and over again if I wanted it, I just wanted him to leave me alone! I didn't stand up for myself, and my DH didn't either. Then when it was all over he decided I needed to have my scar checked, my internal uterine scar. Can you do the visual of how he accomplished that? The best part? He didn't ask. He just turned to my husband and said, "she isn't going to like this." It hurt like heck!!!! Is it any wonder my next pregnancy was with midwives? They are homebirth midwives, but I was a planned hospital birth because of my previous surgery. My next birth? Probably a home birth with a traveling midwife.


One POSITIVE experience about your birth:
I was able to at least stand up for myself and refuse the epidural I knew I didn't need. My lack of epi was what helped her come faster because she was posterior and I was able to get into a hands and knees position. I was 6 cm at 6 pm, he told me she was posterior and I had a long time to go. She was born at 6:25 p.m. Not so long...lol
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When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7
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  #4  
May 14th, 2010, 05:23 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 7,430
Name: Kelly

DC name: Noelle


Type of birth: Pitocin with epi, vaginal delivery... was working towards an NCB


Why are you "here": I am here in hopes that talking about my birth experience would help me heal... I had been preparing from the day I found out I was pregnant, that I was going to have an NCB. I didn't take a single medication during pregnancy and figured no need to for birth. I had switched from an OB who thought of pregnancy and birth as a disease to a MW that I found out the day my water she was actually a MEDwife... I ended up on Pitocin but went for almost 14 hours without meds and finally after an hour of deciding, got the epidural. I had been threatened 4 times by my OB that I would end up in a c-section and had stalled at 4 cms for about 10hrs or so... To this day consenting to the epidural was the hardest decision I had to make so far as a mother... I cried during the procedure and up to the moment I had to push.. feeling like I failed my child and my body failed me... I need to heal and no IRL understands my pain, sadness, guilt, and so on...


One POSITIVE experience about your birth:
I got to have a vaginal delivery with a healthy baby...
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*9 weeks * 4/11/13
*5 weeks * 6/22/13
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  #5  
May 16th, 2010, 05:54 PM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: I'm a husker girl :)
Posts: 16,335
Name: Chelsea

DC name: Brylie Ann


Type of birth: emergency induction for HELLP disease and choleostasis, pain medication free. 19 hours on Pitocin (30 hours of induction total). Several c-section scares (crazy low decels..into the 30's, 40's or 50's)...i was just about to get stadol about 10 seconds before i started pushing because i was physically and emotionally exhausted from hours and hours of 1 min apart, 60-90 second long back labor contractions...but thankfully brylie decided it was go time


Why are you "here": my induction was out of nowhere. I was induced on friday, and the tuesday prior to that at my 37w appt my midwife was PUMPED about how great everything was - i had previously been put on strict bedrest, and that was lightened to "moderate bedrest" (pre-e) and then friday I went in for an nst and said I had a headache, got sent to L&D for bloodwork (no one thinking much of anything) and pretty much was told if I didn't have the baby (by a midwife with a very low induction rate, definitely not a medwife) i was going to die..so i had the baby...but im pretty traumatized by it all


One POSITIVE experience about your birth: the midwife i desperately wanted to catch my baby just happened to be on call. Had i got into spontaneous labor, she wouldn't have been there because the tuesday after bry's birth (she was born on a saturday) heather (MW) was going out of town for 3 weeks and when she came back she was training a midwifery student in clinic and would not be on call..she also was only on call because the midwife who was supposed to be on call fell off her bicycle (or actually MW heather pushed her ) and dislocated her shoulder...heather has the lowest induction and c-section rate of the 5 MW i saw, and she and i got very close during my pregnancy..to the point where we still talk on FB and she has already said she will come in and be my MW for all my births if she isn't on call
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Maverick Jude
December 9, 2013
5:20PM 8lb3oz 20.5"
Hospital water birth
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  #6  
June 3rd, 2010, 03:00 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 122
Name: Jen

Type of birth: emergency c-section

Why are you "here": I'm still angry and upset about the birth of my twins. The plan was to give birth vbac and all was going very smooth. I needed an epidural in place "just in case" we had to have a c-section, so I consented to it when I was 5.5cm dialated. The epidural was placed in the wrong spot. I new it instantly, but the anestesiologist did not listen to me when I said, "something is WRONG!". He decided to give me a test dose, it numbed my hands first and then paralized my diaphram. I sat up in bed saying, "I can't breath" and then passed out. He thought my blood pressure was low, so he gave me a shot of epinephrine! When I stopped breathing completely, they called a code which led every nurse in the L&D floor running into my room. The anestesiologist intubated me right there in front of Dh in the L&D room, and I was rushed for an emergency c-section. I am very angry and sad about the entire delivery.

One POSITIVE experience about your birth: The only good thing is that they were able to intubate quickly and save the lives of me and the girls.
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Jenny

Mom to Ashley, Jacob, Joe, Jace and missing Jaren, born still on 6/11/09

excited to welcome our girls born 4/30/2010 !!!



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  #7  
June 4th, 2010, 09:10 PM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: I'm a husker girl :)
Posts: 16,335
wow jen that has malpractice written all over it! i am so angry for you

Please feel free to vent as much as you need hear, or do whatever YOU need to start the healing process. HUGE hugs to you
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Maverick Jude
December 9, 2013
5:20PM 8lb3oz 20.5"
Hospital water birth
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  #8  
July 15th, 2010, 10:52 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 122
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChicaChels View Post
wow jen that has malpractice written all over it! i am so angry for you

Please feel free to vent as much as you need hear, or do whatever YOU need to start the healing process. HUGE hugs to you
Thanks

Dh did call a lawyer while I was still in the hospital. The lawyer said that it was clearly malpractice, but unless they could prove long term damage, there was not much they could do.

I try not to dwell on it, since my girls are healthy and alive (we lost a baby to a cord accident.....) but the fear, panic and memories will arise at the strangest times.
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Jenny

Mom to Ashley, Jacob, Joe, Jace and missing Jaren, born still on 6/11/09

excited to welcome our girls born 4/30/2010 !!!



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  #9  
July 15th, 2010, 02:52 PM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: I'm a husker girl :)
Posts: 16,335
my heart hurts for you I can't even imagine the pain you must feel
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Maverick Jude
December 9, 2013
5:20PM 8lb3oz 20.5"
Hospital water birth
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  #10  
August 8th, 2010, 11:21 AM
*Candi*'s Avatar Candi
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 8,645
Name: Candi

DC name: hunter


Type of birth: c/s


Why are you "here": Its taken me a long time to come to grips with it but I think I blame myself a LOT for ending up with a c/s. Now that I look back on the entire experience I see so many things I should have done differently. I wish I had been more educated.


One POSITIVE experience about your birth: I have to say two things, one was that I lasted longer than I ever thought I would be able to, the other was that I had a great midwife.
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Thank you GraysMama for an awesome siggy!


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  #11  
August 10th, 2010, 07:23 AM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: I'm a husker girl :)
Posts: 16,335
Welcome, Candi


I hope you find the support you need here, in our small but humble group
__________________

Maverick Jude
December 9, 2013
5:20PM 8lb3oz 20.5"
Hospital water birth
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  #12  
February 10th, 2011, 02:06 PM
Mama Chemist 73's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
Posts: 3,933
Name: Sharon

DC name:Sarah

Type of birth:emergency c-sect


Why are you "here": I had my first and only c-sect with Sarah and she is our last child. Not the way I wanted it to go.


One POSITIVE experience about your birth: We are both alive and kicking. She is just perfect.
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  #13  
July 3rd, 2011, 12:30 AM
Tree_Love's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Central California
Posts: 3,088
Name: Samantha

DC name: Roghan


Type of birth: Induction, vaginal


Why are you "here": I desperately wanted a NCB. To the point where I was seriously planning a free birth (there are NO midwives in my area), just seeing my OB regularly until THE day. I honestly thought I would be able to go through with it until my last few weeks of pregnancy. I developed pre-e at an alarming rate and my OB thought I was already eclamptic when he sent me straight from his office to L&D. (I trust my OB completely, NOT the other ones in the practice... So I believe the induction really saved ME). I ended up getting the epi (which I see as an intervention...) and went on to have a vaginal birth.


One POSITIVE experience about your birth: I didn't have to be coached. I DID NOT want to be told when to push, I would push when I **** well felt like it! I felt EVERY urge and knew when to bear down to bring my DS into the world. I also told the doctor that delivered (another OB I will trust at my practice now) that I wanted to avoid an episiotomy, and he let me tear naturally like I wanted. Only 3 stitches.
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Elan Dakota 7/28/2012
Paxx Tarlow & Sage Finley 10/20/2012
Rhys Caelan 5/3/2013

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  #14  
July 25th, 2011, 08:44 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,972
Name: Maureen

DC name: Susan Olivia

Type of birth: induction leading to c-section

Why are you "here": I feel like my body failed. I feel like the drs decided what was best for my baby and that wasnt really what was best. I was scheduled to be induced at 41W 1 day. They refused to let us go past 41W even though there were no signs she was ready and everything was showing a perfectly healthy baby. We were induced and the midwife on duty broke my water when I was only 1cm, she also had them continuously turn up the pit drip which ended up with me having an hour long contraction which was doing nothing but making baby's stats flip out. I ended up having to get an epi (after preparing for a NCB) and that lead to progression but it was too late. I ended up needing an emergency c-section since her stats were all over the place.

One POSITIVE experience about your birth: I made it through the worst of the contractions without any meds!
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http://hkystar.blogspot.com


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  #15  
September 7th, 2011, 07:41 AM
nurselochia's Avatar Marathon running mom of 4
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Cornfield, USA
Posts: 3,855
Name: Jaime


DC name: Caleb Dean

Type of birth: preterm c-section

Why are you "here": I am still holding feelings of resentment, anger, guilt, sadness over the birth of my 4th baby. I had been having issues with preterm labor from 24 weeks on and my OB completely dismissed my concerns. I'm a L&D nurse, I work with her on a regular basis and thought I had more of a raport with her. I had a positivie fFN and she did nothing. When I clocked out one night at work, she came in, told me over and over that "I was just going to contract, that it was my 4th baby and when it hurt then she'd be concerned." But they did hurt. She thought I just wanted to be delivered, which I DID NOT! I would have stood on my head for another 6 weeks to keep him in. She started me on Magnesium Sulfate to slow labor, but she did it just to shut me up. She ordered pain med/nausea med combo that wipes you out...just to try to get me to shut up. I didn't want the meds. I felt awful between the nausea, the nubain & phenergan combo...plus I had worked most of my 12 hour night shift before being admitted. I never stopped contracting...and after about 12-15 hours on Mag, my water broke. My DH was at home with my other kids, and didn't get to his cell when I called him to come in because he was caring for our 2 year old who was up crying. My OB was pissed b/c I didn't want to be delivered (I was a repeat c/s) until he got to the hospital. I thought it was a reasonable request. Finally, I got ahold of him and he came in. I was terrified of delivering my baby boy at 34 weeks...and my OB never came to talk to me that am. She was pissed she had to come in at 3am, documented that I "refused" to go to the OR until DH was present and was incredibly rude during the surgery. I ended up with post-partum depression and I think part of it was because of the whole experience. My baby was fine, but the experience was horrible. Even though I planned a c/s, I wanted him to be term, I wanted to feel respected...instead I felt that someone I work with and trusted let me down.

One POSITIVE experience about your birth: My co-workers were fabulous and stood up for me over and over, reinterating to my OB that I didn't just want to delivered, that I didn't care how uncomfortable I was, I just wanted labor stopped. I also got a healthy baby boy, and he did very well being born 6 weeks early.
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Thanks Jaidynsmum!!

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  #16  
March 16th, 2012, 08:03 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 853
Name: Laura

Type of birth: Vaginal

Why are you here: I can't seem to get over the sadness of how my 3rd child's birth went, even though DS is now six months old. I am hoping this forum will help me find others who can relate and also to be able to share my story.

One positive thing about the birth: DS was born healthy
__________________
Laura
Pregnant with #3!
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."


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  #17  
February 12th, 2013, 06:36 PM
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 17
Name: Elizabeth Dennis

DC name: elizabeth


Type of birth: NSD


Why are you "here": I want to share parenting tips with everybody


One POSITIVE experience about your birth: I never knew I could tolerate so much pain just to make sure my baby will come out OK. With my desire to keep a medication free pregnancy, I endured anesthesia free delivery.
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If your children look up to you, you’ve made a success of life’s biggest job. ~ Unknown
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  #18  
April 28th, 2013, 07:37 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 5,281
Name: Erica

Type of birth: semi emergent c section

Why are you "here": went into labour at 35 weeks and since he was breech I was was laying on the table 2 hours later. I don't feel like I was given enough time to make any decisions for myself. C section lead to a kidney infection and blood clots in my lung.

One POSITIVE experience about your birth: Theodore has a perfectly shaped head.
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Thanks to Vicki... for my siggy!


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  #19  
June 30th, 2013, 12:54 PM
eshute's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 1,778
Name:Elise

DC name: Anna Sophia


Type of birth: C section.


Why are you "here": Because 4 weeks PP, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I am NOT okay with the way my daughter came into the world. I thought I was, but I'm not. I feel like my body failed completely. I wanted a medication free birth and ended up with a birth completely riddled with interventions. I feel like I failed myself, but even more so my baby.


One POSITIVE experience about your birth: Anna is a completely healthy, perfect little girl. Another positive thing about it was how amazing my SO was through the whole thing. I was worried how he would do while I was in labor. It turns out that I could not have possibly asked for a better labor coach and partner.
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