[EverydayJoy]

I lost my little one at 7 weeks, so we didn't know if it was a boy or girl...to me that makes it harder because I can't think of a suitable name for the baby. I'd like to name him/her so it would feel more "real"...you know?
Anyway I was having a particularly bad night crying about the loss (I only just miscarried last week), and I thought it would be nice to have something tangible. I hadn't bought anything for the new baby yet, didn't have any ultrasound pictures, no name, nothing. So I went to the store and looked for a stuffed animal. I wanted it to be something soft and small, safe for a newborn to play with. At first it seemed like nothing was right...I didn't want a stuffed monkey, or a giraffe, or an elephant. Then I spotted a Precious Moments prayer bear...and when you press his tummy, he says, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, and angels watch me through the night, until I wake with morning light." That made me start to cry right there, thinking of my little one saying that prayer, and waking up in the light of heaven after the dark night of death. "This is it," I told myself. Then I bought a little set of newborn binkies in green and a little newborn bootie/mitt set in green also. That little bear brought me a lot of comfort that night, and I've been sleeping with it since then. To me it feels like having something of my baby here to hold. Sometimes my rational mind says this is weird and I should be an adult about this, that it was just a little "embryo" (although I hate referring to a baby that way) and I shouldn't be so sad about it. But in my heart I know this is what I need right now and DH also is supportive. He says he doesn't think it's silly.

Another thing I'm doing is I asked a friend who does woodworking to make a tiny wooden cradle for me, with a heart cutout in the headboard part. I want it to be about 5 inches long, just a little cradle I can put up on the mantle or hang on our Christmas tree next year. I'm going to get some acrylic paint and paint it a minty green, and maybe make a tiny quilt to go in it (or at least a little scrap of fabric for a blanket). I want to paint around the heart, "In our hearts forever" or something like that and then the date I had to have the D&C. I think it will make me feel good to have it.

Here's a photo from online of the prayer bear...he's soft and cuddly.