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I need to vent some more.... (VERY, very long)


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  #1  
July 13th, 2006, 12:34 AM
canadian_ehngel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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So anyways, when me and my SO first started going out, his mom liked me. Even though I had broken him and his gf at the time up and they weren't happy with that. When I first met his grandma, she asked him if he was still trying to get with some girl he went to high school with. I wasn't too happy about that. But I let it go. So we're skipping to November 2004. I didn't want to be with my SO (Richard) anymore so I broke up with him and ended up going out with another guy. It didn't work out, and I wanted to get back with Richard.
We did get back together at the end of January, moved in together at the start of March. When we found out I was pg, when he told his mom the first words out of her mouth were "Are you sure it's yours?" I couldn't believe it! I hadn't slept with that other guy or any others for that matter. But that wasn't nearly as bad as what his grandma said. She said "You guys are too immature to have a baby. GET AN ABORTION." I was soooooooooo mad. Worse than I had ever been. And this coming from the woman who's daughter had a baby when she was 16. How could a 16 year old be more mature than an 18 year old? I couldn't get over that, and she kept telling us that. After I'd told my family, Richard had his birthday party. He invited his parents and brothers, my parents and siblings, my grandparents and his grandma. His grandma sat down beside me after everyone had arrived and said, with a HUGE smile on her face: "Tell everyone what I told you when you told me you were pg." So I said I didn't remember. She said "I told her to get an abortion." My grandma and mom's jaws dropped. My grandma said "That's not right. You should grow up." That wasn't a great day, let's just put it that way.
Hmmm. Let's back up a bit.
A month earlier, Richard's grandmas SO passed away due to lung cancer and a horrible infection he caught at the hospital. His grandma kept bringing up Richard's ex, Amanda. I wasn't impressed, because we had a huge fight about that 2 years earlier. It makes me feel horrible, and like she doesn't like me. So anyways, she told me and Richard that Amanda had shown up at the hospital to give her flowers for her SO... she said it meant a lot to them because, and I quote, "she was his life." Made me feel great about myself.
A month later, his grandma had a celebration of life for her SO. Me and Richard asked her, very nicely, BTW, to not invite Amanda his ex. She agreed. So the next day we showed up, I was wearing the only clothes that really fit me anymore (bloating), which were blue jeans and a red Gap hoodie. His mom came up to us and said "THAT'S what you're wearing?" I wanted to turn around and leave. I wasn't happy. We sat down, and then guess who walks through the door. Yep, it's his ex. Anyways, we left early, his grandma phoned later that night, we fought with her, she ended up hanging up on us. Whatever. I left her alone after that.
In October, me and Richard picked up his mom from his grandma's house because it was her b-day and she had been drinking. She asked me if I wanted to get out and show "grandma" my belly. I said no, and his grandma's reply was "That's ok, I don't like her anymore anyway." Yah. Right, whatever, old woman! Guess what, you just lost privileges to see me and your great grandbaby.
In November when Amber was born, guess who showed up at the hospital. Yah, it was his grandma. I wasn't impressed. She had made Amber a sweater, which reeked like smoke and put it on Amber. My 1 day old baby smelled like ciggarettes. She left a while later.
About 4 months ago, his grandma phoned us, asking to see Amber. I said no, and she asked why. She was told it was because of the crap that has been going on between us, that me and her don't get along, her smoking in the house, etc. I didn't feel she had the rights to see my dd after all that, especially since she never apologized. His mom ended up phoning us b****ing at us about it saying it wasn't fair, blah blah blah. SHE ended up hanging up on Richard, and they didn't speak for the whole time, up until his college graduation, when all she said to him was "congrats". She also sent back the pics we gave her of the 3 of us, and Amber's Christmas card/birth announcement, Richard's school pics, and his graduation pics. I thought it was really tacky. Since then, she hasn't phoned or anything, not even trying to see Amber. I think it's her loss. Now who's the immature one. I think she's pathetic and petty.
Richard's grandmas BIL passed away recently and his grandma phoned to invite us to the celebration of life. I said I refused to go or even let Amber go. But Richard could go if he wanted. I don't care if that sounds bad, but she's my daughter, and I think I have the right to say where she goes, what she does, etc.
Richard didn't end up going, and we haven't talked to them since.
We ran into his cousin, and she said she heard about what's going on, and she thinks it's pathetic, and it's not worth it. I felt like slapping her and saying "It's none of your business!" I wasn't happy with her.

Anyways, I'm sorry this is sooooooooooooooo long, but thank you for letting me get this out. I don't like my situation, I still haven't gotten an apology from either grandma or mother, and even if I did I probably wouldn't end up forgiving them for a long time, if ever.

My therapist told me that they could bring me to court and fight for rights to see Amber. Even so, I don't think they would win.... they drink, his dad is an alcoholic, smokes around Amber and doesn't care about her well-being, and is an angry drunk. They also talk bad about me, so that wouldn't be a good environment for her. And his grandma also smokes around anyone she pleases. I asked her not to smoke around me while I was pg, and she blew smoke into my face.

Again, I'm sorry this is long and thanks for reading it. I'd appreciate any input anyone would like to give.
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  #2  
July 13th, 2006, 07:22 AM
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I dont want to be nosy but I thought you had left your SO. Either way you both will have to come to an agreement on visitations for the family. Otherwise it could end up in court.
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  #3  
July 13th, 2006, 07:38 AM
chelseamb's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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from what i understand... and i dont know fully about the system, but as long as you and him are together they cant fight for rights. if you two seperated they could.

im sorry to hear you have a rough family i do as well...its hard cause you want to be accepted but they wont bend... keep your chin up.
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  #4  
July 13th, 2006, 11:49 AM
mrobinson
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I know it hurts when the people we want acceptance from hurt us the most..

I know family dynamics are hard enought to juggle under the best of cirsumstances...

<div class=\'quotetop\'>QUOTE(Canadian_Ehngel @ Jul 13 2006, 01:34 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class=\'quotemain\'>When we found out I was pg, when he told his mom the first words out of her mouth were "Are you sure it's yours?"
his grandma said. She said "You guys are too immature to have a baby. GET AN ABORTION."
His grandma sat down beside me after everyone had arrived and said, with a HUGE smile on her face: "Tell everyone what I told you when you told me you were pg." So I said I didn't remember. She said "I told her to get an abortion."
My grandma and mom's jaws dropped. My grandma said "That's not right. You should grow up."
His mom came up to us and said "THAT'S what you're wearing?"
his grandma's reply was "That's ok, I don't like her anymore anyway."[/b][/quote]

.. you know what the worst part of the family dynamics is? Family say things are hurt us because we hold so much weight and value in them. In otherwords, as hard as it may seem, they don't control how we feel ~ we do. I would hate for these words to seem like it's permission to not care about them because what I'm trying to do is convince you that you're a great person for having the baby, taking care of it, worrying about the babies best interests and no matter who says what to you, you can know the truth. It doesn't matter what they say. (Easier said than done.)
So I would ask you to spell out to us why you want their acceptance in the first place? I challenage you to write it out, and then own those feelings. You'll see why it's hurting you so bad. Maybe right now is not the time, but what if you one day you told them why you care about them so much? Maybe that will help them know the truth about you. Maybe that will help them see why you're mature and worthy of respect like we all here do? Maybe that could help start a new relationship for the sake of the baby? I dunno but I do hope it will build your confidence and understanding to what is happening inside of you.
I know you're looking for an apology from these people... You won't get one. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm telling you because it will help you to move on. Assume you will never get one. Be the bigger person. Forgive them (in your heart, not to their face) for all the snide comments. This could take awhile because it's not easy. You can control your own actions. You can't control them. If you treat them with nothing but respect they may continue to be negative. That's ok. They can live in their own negativity while you move on. By being upset (even a little) they do have control over you. Do you really want them to have that much power over you? You have the power within you to not let them upset you.

Quote:
they drink, his dad is an alcoholic, smokes around Amber and doesn't care about her well-being, and is an angry drunk. They also talk bad about me, so that wouldn't be a good environment for her. And his grandma also smokes around anyone she pleases. I asked her not to smoke around me while I was pg, and she blew smoke into my face.[/b]
Legally you can find informartion about your rights here. I honestly wouldn't pursue that because it could be an idol threat. The great news is with a few phone calls you can have all your worries laid to rest.

I honestly think the reason why they treat you so bad is because they hate themselves. If you want anymore preaching from me, let me know. (I'm sure everyone else has had enough!)

I see your twenith birthday is in a couple of weeks.. Happy Birthday girl!

Cheers, Michelle
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  #5  
July 13th, 2006, 02:38 PM
Deena's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I hope you get things worked out.. it sounds like a stressful situation...

I agree with Michelle when she said this .. "By being upset (even a little) they do have control over you. Do you really want them to have that much power over you? You have the power within you to not let them upset you."

It's SO true.. take that to heart..
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  #6  
July 13th, 2006, 04:27 PM
canadian_ehngel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I agree. Thank you so much for your support. I don't know how much longer me and Richard are going to last - all we ever do anymore is fight. And most of it is because of his family. I don't like them. I haven't for a long time, and I don't think I ever will again. I'm not upset anymore, I'm just mad. If he pushes me any further, I'm packing mine and Amber's stuff and we're leaving. He says that the car my dad gave me for graduation is HIS... but the only reason it's 51% in his name is because we wanted a bigger discount on the insurance. I don't know what to think or do anymore, and I really can't handle all the fighting.
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  #7  
July 13th, 2006, 04:33 PM
mrobinson
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Maybe it would be a good time for you and Amber pack up for a little get-away.. it might help clear your head and release some tension?
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  #8  
July 14th, 2006, 09:49 AM
canadian_ehngel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Yah, that's a good idea. Even if we just head off to my mom's house for a bit or something. My dad was also talking about going to the town we used to live in to visit, but Richard will be working... I think I do need some time away from him for a bit. Cause everytime I say I'm bringing Amber to my mom's, he says "I'll go too" so I never get time away from him unless he's at work. It gets really frustrating and annoying.
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  #9  
July 18th, 2006, 11:13 AM
Kaypea's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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sorry things are hard right now.......your little girl is beautiful!
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  #11  
July 24th, 2006, 01:56 PM
mrobinson
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Quote:
Quote:
I dont want to be nosy but I thought you had left your SO.[/b]

[/b]
I'm confused after reading in the venting room.. Hon are you and baby with him?
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  #12  
July 26th, 2006, 08:52 AM
mommywannabe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm not a Canadian Mommy, but I just wanted to let you know that alot of people are posting in the Venting Room asking for an update and confused because we all thought that you had left/were leaving your SO after the last post in there. Anyway, we were just kinda looking for an update.


casey
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  #13  
July 31st, 2006, 08:43 AM
mrobinson
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I AM REALLY MAD WE ARE HAVE PUT SO MUCH CARE AND EFFORT HERE AND WE ARE NOT BEING GIVEN UPDATES..
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  #15  
July 31st, 2006, 06:58 PM
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I think someone isnt replying because she is ashamed of the decision she might have made and doesnt want to have to tell everyone. I also dont think it's right to ask people for advice and not give an update when so many people care.
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  #16  
August 3rd, 2006, 11:14 AM
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