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A 3-year-old Tells All From his Mother's Restroom Stall"
By Shannon Popkin
My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate
and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the
library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window
People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a
just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the
volume. It's always fully cranked. There have been several
embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.
Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade
with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom
that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall: ''Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting
toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?''
At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been
in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full .. 4? 5?
Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity. Cade continued: ''Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh . Mommy! I'm trying to see In dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!''
I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side
of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time
before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, ''Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!''
''No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!'' He
started to gag at this point.
''Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies
are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!'' As the gags became louder, so
did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes
of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four
other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured
that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.
''Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done
going stinkies! Get up! Get up!'' He grunted as he tried to pull me
off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet
outside my door.
''Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da
door? What were you wooking at? Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?''
More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess
''Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now,
Mommy.'' He started pounding on the door. ''Mommy, don?t you want to
wash your hands? I want to go out!!''
I saw that my wait'em out plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened
the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies
crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, where's
the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away
every bit of my dignity and privacy? But as my little boy gave me a big,
cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this
(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She
lives with her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan , where she no longer uses public restrooms.)
You must pass this on to all the mothers or fathers who have had embarrassing
moments with their children. Isn't it great to be a parent!!! (Or a