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My name is Laura. I am married to a wonderful man named Steve. We found out we were pregnant in April 2007. I had a lot of morning sickness, heartburn, and was measuring larger at 16 weeks. I had an ultrasound at 18 weeks and we had twins. They said fraternal because of separate sacs. I went to my new ob at 23 weeks and that is when we found out Baby A had a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. We went to see a peri and found out that Baby A had the CDH and also the girls were identical and had Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I was to have ultrasounds every 2 weeks. They wanted to do an Amnio to see if their was any genetic issues with the girls. The girls were not in the right position. I ended up having it done at 26 weeks and their was no genetic issues and both girls had grown and hearts looked good. I had a 27 week appointment with OB and things were great. I ended up having severe pain two days later and went to the hospital and they said I had a bug. Two days later I went in again with vomiting, pain, contractions. They pumped me full of fluids and sent me home. Next day went to Peri and blood pressure through the roof. I was spilling protein into my urine. They sent me over to the hospital. DH went home to get stuff while he was gone they got results of a blood test and platelet count was extremely low. Hubby got their before they wheeled me in to a emergency c-section. I was 28 weeks. They said Baby A would not survive being born with a CDH at 28 weeks. I got to see my girls that night. McKenzie weighed 2 pounds 2 ounces and Madison weighed 1 pound 9 ounces. McKenzie spent 2 months 2 days in the NICU. She is know a healthy three year old. Madison had a very rough NICU stay. She underwent her repair at 5 weeks old. She had laser eye surgery. She seemed to be doing better but reherniated and developed pneumonia and passed away at 5 months 2 days old. She defied the odds many times but lost the fight.
I was sure for a long time that we needed to be done, but lately have really been thinking about having another. It really scares me. I just don't want to handle another loss. Hubby is scared of losing me. I have talked to my ob and they tell me they would closely monitor me and HELLP may not develop in a single pregnancy. They did say I would be an extremely high risk pregnancy for many reasons. Here is a list of my high risks
-increased risk for another baby with a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia
-increased risk of uterine rupture due to a vertical incision on uterus
-maternal age puts me at risk for baby to have a birth defect, and to have fraternal twins
-risk of developing pre-e and HELLP Syndrome
I also have to take into account that I would have a c-section again because of having the vertical incision. I also am scared to go through the NICU again. We left their after losing Madison. The memories frighten me. Than their is the emotional toll another loss would put on us.
I still can not get past the idea of wanting another baby. Am I crazy? I know me and hubby have to figure this out. Thanks for reading my long post.
You are not crazy, because I feel pretty similar. Although I didn't suffer the loss you did, I too have terrible memories from the NICU and I am very scared of facing that again, or worse still, a loss. It took me a lot of therapy and finding a really solid doctor who I feel a lot of trust in, for me to be ready to start TTC. It is not an easy decision, and I don't think you're crazy for wanting another sibling for your girls, nor do I think you're crazy for being terrified.
It's a hard decision to make, but my only advice would be to let your heart be your guide, and give yourself room to decide what you can live with and what you can't. For me, giving up on my plan to have 2 kids was something I wasn't willing to do, it felt like the trauma was winning if I did that. And, I desperately want to feel like a "normal mom" instead of a "preemie mom." Who knows if that will actually happen, but for me, it was worth trying.
Lots of hugs for you, and please know that we're all here for you as you make your decision.
Hi Laura and welcome!
I am sorry to hear aobut your loss and all of the trauma of the NICU. That would be enough to make anyone terrified of having another child. That being said......
You are not crazy at all of thinking about another pregnancy. I hope that you and your hubby are able to decide what is best for your family.