In Limbo, 6+ months, 2 week wait, 2 week wait to O.
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When I first had my loss I took some comfort in seeing most others on this board getting their BFP before their EDD. I was sure that I would be the same. I wasn't. then I thought for sure that I would have to get my BFP before my loss date - isn't that how this worked? - I didn't.
I've gone through a huge range of emotions from dealing with my loss, to seeing others getting their BFP - and then having their babies, to now dealing with infertility.
I think that I had to learn not to set a deadline for my BFP. It will happen one day (hopefully soon).
What have you done to help you stay sane while TTC?
What have I done to stay sane?? I am not sure I have stayed sane? I agree with all that you wrote... I still have one more EDD to go, next month Sept 18th... If I am not pregnant right now while I sit here, I will not be pregnant before my EDD. The emotions are so high right now... I totaly understand. But I with the roller coaster of emotions I have felt since last month.. their times when I thought I would loss my mind. EVERY WHERE I look, turn, when I am work, go out, I am reminded what I have lost. I had my first EDD in July, My SIL babyshower in July and Hit my 1 year mark of ttc in July. While at work every night I work I work with atleast someone who is expecting, and sometimes 2 or 3. All I hear is about thier pregnancy. I have left the floor many times in tears. And I don't feel sane. I don't want to hear about how exciting it is for them. I want to scream at them to shut up! I don't want to hear about you, I want to scream at them to stop rubbing thier belly, Does that sound like a sane person? I don't want to hear about my SIL, I haven't called my brother in over a month, since I feel bad not wanting to ask him about my SIL, Cause I don't want to hear.... Kim I feel insane. I feel obsessed with TTC, I live my life in what feels AF, pre-O, O, Post O, and AF... Depending on what part I am in... depends on how Insane I feel. AF, Pre O and even O..... I don't want to see your pregnant belly, or hear about your pregnancy good or bad.... And the BFP's... while I am happy for our ladies.... it is a knife... a reminder that I have been trying for so long... and they get their happy ending... Wasn't I in line first? Why do I have to wait? It just isn't fair. I just want to scream....
Thank you GraysMama For my BEAUTIFUL Siggy!!!
BFP 11/09/08 M/C 11/11/08 BFP 01/02/09 M/C 01/29/09 BFP 08/26/09 M/C 10/02/09 Missing our 3 Angles
As I just read both of your post, I thought it was me talking. I have had all these emotions built up only sharing them with Dh and my mom. Everyone around us seems to be going on with their happy little lives but for dh and myself every month is a roller coaster of emotions. I start of the cycle off with a game plan and a little bit of excitement that this is our month its going to happen. as the days go by and the 2ww begins things change the excitement is over and I'm filled with anxiety. On one hand I have that hope and on other hand I'm dreading the let down of AF. to make matters worst I torture myself and test just to see if I get that BFP but without fail it's always this big BFN. Why do I do this to myself am I a sucker for punishment.
I'm so happy for all the BFP lately, I loved seeing them when I first joined the board hoping that it would be me posting that pg mentioned very soon. But as fall approaches and my EDD in March long gone, that hope has faded away. I feel like I'm surrounded by pregnant people, my facebook has over 250ppl and I swear almost all of them have an ultrasound, new baby, or the great happy family picture. And then i look at mine and it's dh, me and the dogs. SO kary I'm insane right there with you.
2ww started today and I'm so down in the dumps I actually found myself on the international adoption sites because doing this to myself month after month is starting to get to me. I never thought this road would be this long or this emotional.
After my second loss I have become numb to the whole TTC. And honestly, with my chemical pregnancy I recently had I cried because I got a positive test! It wasn't even tears of joy but of frustration and worry. I knew it wasn't the one that was going to last. So when I got my "period" I didn't cry at all. I was waiting for her.
I've gotten to the place where I am now just going with the flow and have emotionally separated myself from the process. I no longer feel in a rush to be pregnant or excited and giddy about it. I am truly "whatever" about TTC. Its a self defense emotion for sure.
I think I'm just lucky that I don't let things get to me. I might be upset for a day or two, but then I think 'there's got to be a reason for all this'. I am trying to not get so involved in it and next time I don't even think I will test until I'm 1 week late, becasue I am just expecting disappointment. I'm sure that I would be more 'insane' if I was trying for my first. I feel guilty even thinking that it's not fair that I'm going through this, when I have 3 beautiful healthy kids at home and I should be counting my blessings instead. I'm being greedy wanting more when some have none. Not sure if I'm sane wanting more kids...some people think I'm not. Seriously though, if it wasn't for this group, I don't think I would have made it through the tough times. My DD is coming up in exactly 3 weeks and I'm sure I will lose it.
I don't think staying sane is an option - certaintly not while AF is around, not during O time and the 2ww is a ridiculous time to think you can be sane... but when you think about it that is all of the time (except perhaps a few days between AF and O).
I have good cycles and bad cycles (in terms of level of sanity). I have had a few really rough ones lately (since the second loss) and I have not found a way to have a good cycle since then. All I do is try and keep other things in my life (boot camp, curling, ball, etc) that are not pregnancy/baby related and recently I have been trying to focus on keeping people around who are also not baby/pregnancy obsessed. It helps I guess. But its getting harder and harder to do.
Thanks Chelsea (GraysMama) for my fantastic signature!
Sigh. I think I'm insane on most days. Honestly, most people don't notice it though... I'm at least good at keeping my insanity to certain circles. I've tried to let go, but it's ridiculously difficult for me to just wait around... If I keep myself busy with activities, then at least I'm somewhat occupied and composed, but even then, I feel like my mind is always wandering to our losses...
__________________ Kristin Blog on RPL and TTC
Dx Hetero Prothrombin and Factor V *Forever missing our three butterfly angel babies*
~December 08~ ~May 09~ ~September 09~
Proudly breastfeeding, pumping, and cloth diapering my little sweet pea!
I went to see a counsellor last week to discuss how to cope with stress (not just TTC, but all stress). She was very encouraged that I have all of you on JM and also was glad that I have been blogging about my struggles. But, to be honest, none of that helps when I'm dealing with IPS or when AF shows!
I agree that my JM girls work for about 95% of my craziness BUT there are some points when i know i will just be crazy!
I was talking to my friends (in real life) and she told me that she has been struggling with how to help me. I had not talked to her about any of my craziness in about a month but her stress about it had caused her to dream that she miscarried... but her dream had nothing to do with her miscarriage... it was about the fact that she could them talk to me and understand what I have been going through. Made me teary all over again to hear her tell me that she was relieved to have miscarried so she could help me (in her dream anyway) and it also made me realize that miscarriage affects a lot of people in your life in many different ways. Its ok to be crazy sometimes - even people who have not miscarried have those moments too.
Thanks Chelsea (GraysMama) for my fantastic signature!
Wow, I was just trying to find worksheets to deal with the emotions that I was experiencing and I found this page by accident and when I started reading I couldn't stop. A lot of the things that are mentioned are the way I feel. But the only person I can talk to about this is my husband we live in a pretty rural area and not that many people have heard of ttc so I just keep to myself. We have to travel 120 miles just to go and see a OB/GYN and even farther to go to a fertility specialist. But I know realistically I'm not alone but it felt good to read the same things I've been going through or even thinking. My biggest problem is that my body fakes me out. After being on 7 cycles of clomid and provera I finally had enough of pill popping and obsessing with it but my period is so irregular I have no clue and I'm truly past the point of caring. In the years past I've tried everything BBT, OPK and I've had enough. Thank you for making this page and for reading
It's so hard.
I don't see how my DH deals.lol
I feel, you get to a point where you realize that stressing about it & dwelling on it does NO good.
It's in GODS hand & only his hands. We have no control over it.
I think that is a good place to get to, but everyone gets to it at there own time.