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When primary becomes an ordeal


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  #1  
January 24th, 2012, 05:39 AM
Butter's Avatar Heather the Mama Duk
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: San Antonio TX
Posts: 28,853
About a month before they turn 12 apparently. My daughter has 3 Sundays until she's 12. She is so *done* with primary. This coming Sunday we'll be in Florida so she really only has 2 more times to go. She really, really doesn't want to go anymore. It doesn't help that the kids in senior primary are treated like babies (I've observed this - it's kind of an insult to their intelligence). One of the people in the primary presidency doesn't like Ani *at all.* Ani's teacher (a very close friend of the family - Ani considers her a bonus grandmother) has confirmed how Ani is sometimes treated. It also upsets Ani when other kids are chastised for reasons such as resting feet on the bottom rung of the chair in front of them (this is a problem... why??? adults do that!).

So I'm left with the question of whether I should let her skip primary the last two times (just singing/sharing time, not class time). It's making her very angry about church. She has seriously asked if she could just go inactive (though she really just means primary) until she turns 12. It's very stressful to her. I really don't want her to think she can just quit something if it's hard, but then I also don't want her to hate church. She used to love it (and she is VERY much looking forward to going into YW).

I really don't know what to do.
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~Heather, wife to Jamie (15 years; June 5, 1998) and mom to
Ani - 14 (February 15, 2000), Cameron - 12 (October 3, 2001),
Fritz - 7 (July 11, 2006), and Adrian - 5 (June 19, 2008)
Smaller on the Outside

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  #2  
January 24th, 2012, 02:58 PM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In yonder mountains
Posts: 9,339
I would let her skip singing and sharing time. Call it a transition to young womens or something. If it makes her dislike church that much, it isn't worth it.
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  #3  
January 24th, 2012, 08:58 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,705
If it were me, I'd tell her to just stick it out. Sometimes church is no fun, sometimes you don't get anything out of it, but my veiwpoint is that you keep going even when it sucks because it's a commandment. You don't want to teach her that it's okay to stop going to church just because you don't like your leaders.
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  #4  
January 25th, 2012, 05:47 AM
Butter's Avatar Heather the Mama Duk
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: San Antonio TX
Posts: 28,853
LOL Y'all are no help. There is a lot more to it than I posted. One leader actually said to Ani, in front of me, "You are a very overconfident young woman. Don't worry. That will change." She clearly thinks confidence is a bad thing. It was weird.
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~Heather, wife to Jamie (15 years; June 5, 1998) and mom to
Ani - 14 (February 15, 2000), Cameron - 12 (October 3, 2001),
Fritz - 7 (July 11, 2006), and Adrian - 5 (June 19, 2008)
Smaller on the Outside


Last edited by Butter; January 25th, 2012 at 06:01 AM.
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  #5  
January 25th, 2012, 08:27 PM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In yonder mountains
Posts: 9,339
I will give you an experience that formed my opinion. My ward was so mean to my family. We were outsiders and the kids were mean to us. It got SO much worse for me when I was in young womens because I switched schools and in that area, that is a no-no. It was full blown horribleness every Sunday. I knew that I had to go to church every Sunday and deal with it. My parents strengthened my testimony at home. Also, my parents forced me to go to the weekly young women activities. I hated them with a passion. They made me go to girls camp. My parents knew that these things were important. As things got worse year by year, I begged, cried and pleaded with my parents to allow me to no longer go to those extra meetings. It took me a while, but my parents gave in. It was the best thing for me. If she knows that her leaders are lacking the love that they should have for her, she shouldn't have to be placed in that situation. One thing that I might do if it were Marsi (granted this is my opinion and I don't have personal experience with an almost 12 year old) I would go to primary with her the last 2 weeks. Then she knows that you as her mom love her and is there for her in her time of need. With my experience being absolutely bullied at church, it is a very hot button issue for me.
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  #6  
January 26th, 2012, 04:04 AM
Mommy of Four!
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 140
This goes on in church? Being bullied happens in schools but it sure as heck shouldn't be happening in church, especialy by a teacher! I would contact the bishop in all honesty. If this teacher is treating Ani this way she has then she is probably doing it to other children....I understand that there are "rules", and sometimes children sees those rules as punishment, but telling her that she is "over confident" is rude. Are we not supposed to be teaching our children how to be confident in themselves and their abilities??
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  #7  
January 26th, 2012, 04:33 AM
Butter's Avatar Heather the Mama Duk
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: San Antonio TX
Posts: 28,853
She definitely is mean to other kids. I've seen it a few times. She is miserable here. She's always hated it. I think that causes her to be mean. Not that that excuses her, but I guess I understand at least a little. We're praying for her as a family for whatever she needs.

Ani has an interview with the bishop on the 5th (the next Sunday we'll be at church - we're leaving today for vacation in FL). I have no doubt she will tell him. A close friend of hers is the bishop's daughter and so Ani knows him well socially and is comfortable talking to him. Her interview is her primary exit interview combined with a limited use temple recommend interview since she's planning to do baptisms on her 12th birthday.

Luckily Ani is totally looking forward to Young Women so we just have to get her through these next couple weeks of primary. She adores the YW president and one of the counselors. The other counselor is brand new in the ward and so Ani doesn't know her yet, but she seems like a very sweet woman. The camp director is also new, but also seems like a wonderful lady. There are only 2 Beehives right now, but Ani likes both of them a lot. We do midweek activities with the other ward that meets in our building and the other ward's bishop's daughter is absolutely lovely and exactly a week younger than Ani so they get to stay together (they met in Activity Days). So I have no doubt YW will be a wonderful experience for her. I'm just really sad that primary has become so incredibly awful.

Rachael, I am very sorry you had to go through that. It is totally unfair and wrong
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~Heather, wife to Jamie (15 years; June 5, 1998) and mom to
Ani - 14 (February 15, 2000), Cameron - 12 (October 3, 2001),
Fritz - 7 (July 11, 2006), and Adrian - 5 (June 19, 2008)
Smaller on the Outside

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  #8  
January 26th, 2012, 04:32 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
That's awful. I'm sorry that Ani feels that way. I've been in primary when I didn't like it (I've been in several times, and I've never liked it, lol), and I have *never* treated any of the kids that way.

I hope she does say something to the bishop about it. That shouldn't be happening.

And Rachel. I was bullied at school that age, but not at church. Left out? yes, but not outright bullied.
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  #9  
February 5th, 2012, 11:09 AM
Butter's Avatar Heather the Mama Duk
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: San Antonio TX
Posts: 28,853
I stayed home from church this week because I've got three sick kids, but Ani went to church with my parents. We agreed to let her go to Relief Society with my mom and sit and read this week. The thought of having to go to primary was causing extreme stress for her. It just wasn't worth it. One of the leaders got quite annoyed that Ani went to her grandmother after her class time. She tried to *force* Ani into the primary room, but my mom stopped her. Fact is, the kid still belongs to us and what we say goes.

Ani had a meeting with the bishop after church (since she'll be turning 12 in 10 days). She was in there talking to him almost an hour! He does love talking to the youth. He said he understood why she is so ready to be out of there, but asked her to pray about going to the big room for her last Sunday next week. She agreed that she would. One thing that is causing great stress to her for going next Sunday is they will sing the birthday song to her and they give the birthday kids these baton things with streamers on the end to wave to "conduct" the other kids singing. Ani is at an age where she finds that SO embarrassing and really, really doesn't want to do that. I told her she doesn't have to. She can just say no. They really can't force her. She said maybe it wouldn't be too bad if she could "conduct" using her new Ollivander's wand she got in Hogsmeade at Universal Islands of Adventure last week lol

I'm fine with whichever way she decides is right, whether it's to go or not go next week. It occurred to me that leaving primary is a very specific age date for all kids. They turn 12 and they move up. On the other hand, leaving YM/YW is a much more loose time. I moved into RS at 17. I was in college full time and really had nothing in common with the other YW anymore. I was done with my Young Womanhood medallion. It was the right time. On the other hand, I know girls who were kicked out of YW at 19 and weren't quite read to move up yet. Anyway, that point of moving up gives the individual more leeway. Primary doesn't. Girls are usually so done with primary about 3 months before they turn 12. Boys are usually kind of eh, whatever as they near 12, and some aren't quite ready to move up. That makes sense since girls do mature faster than boys. So anyway, realizing that other transitions are much looser made me much more comfortable with Ani not going to the big room for primary these last couple weeks.
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~Heather, wife to Jamie (15 years; June 5, 1998) and mom to
Ani - 14 (February 15, 2000), Cameron - 12 (October 3, 2001),
Fritz - 7 (July 11, 2006), and Adrian - 5 (June 19, 2008)
Smaller on the Outside

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  #10  
February 5th, 2012, 07:04 PM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In yonder mountains
Posts: 9,339
I am glad she talked to your bishop and your mom advocated for Ani. It has to be so hard.
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