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Ladies, I don't have words... But I wanted to come back and say something after all the comments I got on my last post, and all the PMs I've received from all of you. You are a bunch of some wonderful, wonderful people. I don't know how to thank you for saying everything you did. It made me cry, cry, cry... for all the good there is in this world, which is you ladies.
I lost a family member a few months ago, and the pain is great, and the sadness is overwhelming, but something just doesn't compare... somewhere deep down you know they're not eternal and one day they must go. And as hard as it is, you accept it eventually, because that's how the world must work.
But this... who the hell expects this!?!? It's the saddest thing, the most unfair thing, and I don't understand why it happened to me, and why it happens to anyone. A little baby growing inside of you, all your hopes and dreams, everything that's supposed to be the greatest beginnings, all gets whisked away in a snap. I'm sorry, this is going to get long and probably hard to read for all of you - I don't mean to...
But I'm sure you all want to know what happened, and this is why I'm writing. My water broke in my sleep early in the morning, and I felt a pressure, like a huge clot coming, which woke me up from my sleep I jumped up trying to run to the bathroom, losing all the water on my way. DH woke up and ran after me saying what? what? I was in panic, and first said blood! But when I realized what it is, I said OMG water broke! He was in shock he said OMG OMG... I was in shock and disbelief and denial and remember the NOs and WHYs I kept on wailing.... It was some kind of a nightmare. We woke up my doctor and he said this is not good news... baby is viable only at 24 weeks. He told me to go to the hospital labor and delivery right away. I was there in 20 mins. By that time I started feeling pressure down below.
We heard the heart beat, but it sounded not fast at all :-(
They checked me manually and I think they felt the feet. It was bad news, I lost all my water. They wheeled me immediately into the delivery room and all I remember is crying and thinking WHY?! WHY ME!??? WHY???....... I was shaking all over and couldn't stop.
After a while they gave me Pitocin to start the contractions, and a few minutes later I was in labor and delivered Malakai, our baby boy. He went feet first. DH and I knew it was a boy since the moment I got my BFP, we were going to have the gender scan in only 10 more days, but unfortunately we found out early I wailed, I think my body went into shock, I couldn't stop shaking. DH was such a trooper, he held my hand and stood by me through all this. I'm so, SO thankful for him.
Placenta wasn't coming out, they would have to do the D&C soon, but my OB kept on pushing on my belly trying to get it out, and I kept on pushing, and eventually it all came out, so thank god I avoided the D&C.
The nurse dressed our boy and we held him in our arms. He was this tiny perfection. I don't usually find even the newborns pretty, but I have to say he was so cute... There are no words. We just held him and cried.
I cry and cry and it just doesn't stop. My face looks so bad I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. It doesn't help that my milk is coming in, my boobs are huge and hot and hard, so I have to wear sport bras 24/7.
Basically, the doctor says it was not an infection since I didn't have any signs or cramps or fever, and it just happened suddenly. Most likely I have an incompetent cervix, which can be easily fixed with a stitch next time around. I can't believe nobody looked into this, such an easy thing to fix.... But then again, I'm trying to blame anyone and anything, including myself at this point. I'm sure it's nobody's fault, just like everyone says.
Ladies, sorry for the novel. They say premature water breakage happens in only 3% of cases, and most of that is in 3rd trimester when the baby is already viable. So I don't know, I'm sure this was a fluke of sorts that none of you need to worry about... I am still asking why, why did this happen to me?
Right now it's very difficult to get by, especially at nights when I wake up and can't fall back asleep, and the tears start coming and it gets hard to breathe... I want to thank you all for your tremendous support and wish only the best to all of you in the DDC of April 2010, and all those who stopped by from other DDCs. I wish this nightmare never happens to anyone.
Again...I cry for you and for anyone who has had to deal with this. I'm so sorry for your loss. Malakai truly is beautiful, I just wish we didn't know this yet. I keep praying for you and will continue to do so for a very long time.
You are a strong woman. I pray that you'll be able to have more children when the timing is right for you and your DH. Remember, we're praying and crying with you.
Alisha, mom to:
Marcus - Jan '09
Lauren - March '10
Caroline - November '12
*hugs* hun. I know that nothing I say will take the pain away. I hope you know that you are in my thoughts daily. He is such a beautiful baby.
~Beth~ Wife to my Airman Chris, and mommy to: Anthony Nathaniel (8/31/04), Anastasia Fae (8/01/06), Baby C (lost on 10/12/07), David Cillian (7/31/08), Charles George (4/29/10), and Alan Christopher (2/22/12)
I couldn't stop crying after reading your story, bliss. I agree that you are such a strong woman for sharing this with us. I hope that sharing helps heal the pain just a little faster, and you will continue to be in my thoughts. Your baby boy is absolutely beautiful, and I love the name.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I have been thinking about you a lot since you posted last week. I am sooooo soooo sorry for your loss but he is very handsome like everyone else has said. Our thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and please come back here anytime you just need to talk or vent. We are always here for you. Hugs to you!
Look me up on Facebook - Meighan Hopper Bloomington, Illinois
I am so very sorry for your loss...I too am in tears, and my heart hurts for you. Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm sorry it couldn't be one of joy. I am also sorry I wasn't around to offer my support to you. I will pray for your pain to ease, and you heart to heal. Me and my family send you our love. Your family will be in our thoughts and prayers. Malakai is so beautiful
Karen (34), mom to five (soon six) beautiful children....DS (15), DD (7), DS (6), DS (2), DD (5mos) and expecting baby #6 late May 2014!!!*Please do not mention on FB*
Pregnancy stats for baby #6, due late May 2014:
BFP (approx) 8dpo
(approx) 10dpo= HCG-31
(approx) 12dpo= HCG-123
(doubling time of 22.73 hours!!! )
8wk u/s appt scheduled for Oct. 14th
Prgnancy stats from baby #5:
13dpo= HCG-120, P4-20.5
19dpo= HCG-1427, (P4 was not taken again)
Doubling time = 40.31hrs
Doubling = 50.47hrs (from 19dpo to 27dpo)
First doc appt & u/s scheduled for Sept 10th