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Emmett Michael


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  #1  
March 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM
starrsgirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Nebraska
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Disclaimer - I don't recommend reading this if you haven't delivered yet. This was a tough labor for me.

Birth story of Emmett Michael Buss, born 8 July 2010 at 9:05am, 7lbs 5oz, 21 inches

This birth story has taken me a long time to write up. I’m still really wrestling with my feelings about the birth. It’s hard for me to “go back there”…I get upset and it makes me cry. Sometimes, I feel guilt. At other times, I feel more accepting about the experience. But, I feel like writing this story is going to be important to my recovery.
I want to be upfront and say this was NOT the birth of which I dreamed. My goal was an all natural, un-medicated birth…I did not meet my goal and that kills me to even write that. Before Emmett was born, I felt really confident about my chances to achieve my goal. I was in incredible shape, I ran right up until a few days before labor. I was feeling good about Emmett’s position (very head down) and his size and my pelvic size before the birth. I felt ready to be mentally tough for labor. I “practiced” and “visualized” a lot for labor/contractions while I was running.

Emmett’s birth story really begins in 5 July, a full 3 days before he was born. I had no idea these pre-birth days would plan an important part in my birth experience. On 5 July, I began having contractions. The contractions were very regular at about 7 minutes apart, but they never got closer together. They were fairly uncomfortable but I wasn’t too worried about them. The contractions continued throughout that night and kept me awake. On 6 July, the contractions continued…maybe a little more intense than the day before. They continued to come anywhere from 4-7 minutes apart. Some of them hurt me a bit. I never thought to go into the hospital because they didn’t seem to get progressively worse or closer together. Part of me thought they were real contractions but the other part of me convinced myself that they were just Braxton Hicks. Either way, I planned to labor at home as long as possible. On the night of 6 July, I didn’t sleep at all…well except for a minute or two between contractions. So, this was my second night without sleep…something that would come back to haunt me. Also, of note, I started to have bloody show on 5 July, lost my plug on the 6 July and continued bloody show through the 7th.

On Wednesday, 7 July, the contractions continued. They were still 5-7 minutes apart. I was up and running errands and I remember thinking that I shouldn’t be driving anymore. I was very distracted by the contractions while I was on the road.
We had an appointment with one of our midwives (Bridget) at 3:30pm the afternoon of 7 July. I was 3 days overdue at this point. So, we decided to do a cervical check. The midwife said I was 1-2 cm dilated and starting to thin out. She thought I would go into labor in the next few days. I told her I was running on fumes (as I had been up for nearly 2 days at this point)…she advised me to take something to help me sleep and get as much rest as possible. I also expressed concerns at this appointment that Emmett’s movement had significantly decreased in the last 3 days. Bridget sent us across the hall to labor and delivery for an NST. Everything looked perfect on the NST. Much relieved, Eric and I left. We planned to grab an early dinner and then get me to bed as early as possible with some Tylenol PM.

We drove 10 minutes down the road and stopped at Red Robin. We walked in the lobby and were waiting for a table. All of a sudden, I turned, panicked to Eric and said “We have to go right now!” My water had just broken.

Eric drove like a NASCAR driver to the house even though I told him it was completely unnecessary. Once at the house, I started having second doubts on whether it was actually my water or if I had just peed myself. We decided to give it an hour (I was GBS+ so I knew we HAD to go to the hospital right away if it was my water). I called the nurses and my midwife at the clinic where I had just been less than an hour before. I think everyone was skeptical it was my water and not just discharge/bloody show from the cervical check. Meanwhile, my contractions were definitely more intense. We decided to head into the hospital to check and see if it was my water. Eric packed all of our stuff up “just in case” we would be staying.

At the hospital, we were shown to a room and the nurses hooked me up to a monitor to check out baby’s heart rate and my contractions. Heather, the midwife on call, came in and did the strip test on me. Sure enough, my water had broken. Heather checked me at this point and I was 5 cm dilated! I had gone from 1-2 cm to 5 cm in about 2 hours!! This was definitely the high point of the evening. It was 7pm and we all figured we would have a baby by 2am or so. I was feeling really good at this point and managing the contractions. I had that powerful feeling of “I can do this!”
Eric went to get all the gear from the car and moved into the beautiful, brand new labor/delivery/recovery suite. (I was the only woman in L&D and they definitely hooked me up with the best room with a great view.) The nurses started me on my antibiotic IV for GBS+.

Once the IV drip was done, Heather had me get up to start moving around. I tried a few different positions near the bed (hands and knees) and birthing ball. Heather had me work to open my hips up. I was starting to feel a lot of pressure in my back, butt and tailbone (earlier in the day at my routine appointment, Heather had mentioned Emmett was turned a little bit and that’s what was causing my back labor pains.) After a couple hours, Heather had me up to start walking. This was when the contractions really started to pick up. Our “goal” was 2 times around the L&D floor. I remember thinking that distance was so far. It took a long time and was painful, but I did those 2 laps. After walking, I sat on the birthing ball for a while. The contractions continued to pick up. I was gripping Eric’s hands with each contraction and concentrating so hard. Finally, when Heather saw I was getting really uncomfortable, she recommended the whirlpool tub. I had been looking forward to using the whirlpool during labor. I figured it would really do the trick for me. Unfortunately, while I was definitely able to relax a lot better between contractions, the whirlpool seemed to intensify the back labor pain and pressure “down there”. In the end, I decided the whirlpool wasn’t the thing for me.

At this point, I had been in very active labor for 5 hours. It was about midnight. I was starting to feel a little worn out but I was so proud that Eric and I were working as a team and making it. Heather decided to check my progress at this point. I think we were all guessing I would be about 8cm or so by this point. Heather checked me and I was only 5cm. Yes, still 5cm as I had been 5 hours earlier when I checked into the hospital. I remember having that deep sinking feeling in my stomach. I feel like this was the significant turning point in my evening.

Heather turned to Eric and me and recommended that I start Pitocin (I have to interject that I completely trusted Heather and knew that she wouldn’t recommend Pitocin out of the blue). No! This was the dreaded “slipperly slope” to me. I remember that my biggest worry about starting Pitocin was that I wouldn’t be able to handle the Pitocin contractions. I really didn’t want any extra medications in my body. On the other hand, I saw the situation through Heather’s eyes. I was tiring….this was my 3rd night of no sleep. Also, Emmett was a little sideways inside of me and clearly “stuck”. I had made no progress in 5 hours. I agreed to a very low dose of Pitocin and vowed to myself that I would get this baby “unstuck” quickly.

My evening gets hazy for me after midnight and after the Pitocin was administered. The contractions were brutal. I had to keep my eyes closed from here out to concentrate on making it through each one. There were some incredible high points and some low points. One high point was in the dead of the night….Eric and I were walking the halls alone. I was able to get completely in control of the pain. I was counting out each contraction in my head and Eric was encouraging me through each one. Some low points were fighting through contractions on my hands and knees that literally ripped my hands off the bed and dry heaving and gagging so hard I couldn’t breathe with each one.

I believe at some point, Heather checked me again….progress was not good and the Pitocin was increased.

By my memory, by around 3am, I was rapidly losing control. I know for a fact I was yelling with pain (even though the nurses tried to tell me after the fact that I wasn’t that loud). The contractions were full body by this point. My entire body was contorting around me and the sounds coming out of my mouth were ragged, hoarse cries. This was the point where I began to hallucinate badly. On some rational level, I knew I was hallucinating and kept my mouth shut. But the scenes and thoughts playing in my head were unreal. My contractions began to take on personalities, colors, genders and intentions. I was pretty sure I would be checked into the looney bin after giving birth.

At 4am, Heather checked me and I was 8 cm and in severe pain. I was definitely getting “pushy”. I fought for control but my body was pushing on its own. The back labor pain was now off my pain chart. I started to get the feeling my own body was ripping me apart. I believe this was the first point that I looked at Eric and said “I don’t know if I can do this.” Eric talked me down off the ledge and Heather backed him up and reassured me that if I felt like that, I was almost to the end.

By 5am, I was 9.5 cm dilated. But, Emmett was still very high. He also was definitely not coming down straight. Heather tried to help turn him but he was way too high. None of the position changes she had me go through seemed to help either. I had an “anterior lip” which, as I understand was the only thing holding me back from being 10cm dilated. I think I was crying in between contractions at this point. I can’t remember if there was a “start” to pushing…all of a sudden I just was pushing. This part of labor is nearly completely blacked out for me, I think because the pain was so intense. I continued to gag and dry heave. I tried to listen to Eric and Heather but I just wasn’t really “present” anymore. My hallucinations continued. I do remember that the hallucinations had changed to bizarre number patterns. In my craziness, there were only “3” contractions. Each of the 3 contractions felt differently and had different personalities and would visit me in some odd pattern that only I could know. Eric and Heather had me on my side at one point to try and rest between contractions. The rest periods only gave me more crazy hallucination that were too strange for words. Heather tried to help focus my pushing to see if we could get the anterior lip to disappear.

At around 6:30am, after 1 ½ of pushing, I remember saying “Please help me”. That was the point when I first tasted true fear. Even now, I tear up when I think about that moment. I have never felt fear like that before. My body was failing my physically and my mind had already left. During each contraction (I think I was now on the birthing chair), I started to black out. The edges of my world were pushing in and narrowing my vision with each one. I had a single irrational thought that I was going to die. This was the second point where I said “I can’t do this”. I was crying and crying and pleading. I remember looking at Eric and he was crying. My memory is very hazy, but Heather maintained control of the situation. She told me if after some more contractions and pushes, nothing had changed, we would talk (about pain medication). So I labored through a few more and she checked me. No progress….again. I still had the “anterior lip”, I was still only 9.5 cm dialated and Baby Emmett was still too high.

Heather was blunt. Emmett was too high for her to reach and help turn. He was also too high for any help with the vacuum or forceps. She told us she was paging her attending physician for him to be on standby (we understood this meant standby for a c-section.) I continued to cry and plead for help. Eric took one look at me and knew it was time. He stepped in and said it was time for some pain medication. Heather agreed and then laid out my options. (I have to insert that because I trusted Heather, I knew she didn’t routinely recommend pain medication…in other words, I trusted that she knew it was time to try something else as well.) My choices were to have an IV narcotic or an epidural. I don’t really remember the full discussion, but this gist of it was that my situation was looking more and more like a c-section and we might as well get the epidural.

Even through all the pain, and even though I knew I had nothing more to give physically, I have never felt so defeated and down at that point as when I agreed to the epidural. It was such an odd feeling because I felt like a quitter….but at the same time, I truly had nothing left. I’m a very competitive athlete and have run some crazy races in my time…but I have never touched that point of beyond physical exhaustion that I was feeling.

Things moved rather quickly after we called for the epidural. I was still pushing the whole time while waiting, just in hopes of making some progress (I never did.) The room had been dark and quiet throughout the whole night with only me, Eric and Heather. All of a sudden, lights started to come on (and the sun was rising) and the room started to fill with people.

I remember looking at Eric once the room started to fill with people and noise and he was all out crying. Somehow, I was able to find some strength to speak to him between contractions and tell him I was OK, I was going to be OK.

The epidural team came and started prepping me. I was still yelling and crying with continuous contractions at this point. They’ve probably seen it all but I felt like a spectacle. I had my eyes tightly closed and never even saw the Dr. who administered the epidural until well after Emmett was born.

Finally, the epidural was in and I “resurfaced” for the first time in hours. Two doctors arrived to consult with Heather about my situation. I was thankful that they talked to me about my situation…not just about me to each other. Emmett was still very high and I hadn’t made any progress in hours. It was definitely looking like a c-section.
HOWEVER, both Dr.’s and Heather referenced a single study. In this study, researchers found that if women who met the criteria for C-section were given an additional 4 hours to labor, a good percentage of them were able to deliver vaginally. They emphasized to me that it was a single study…but that all three of them (Dr.’s and Heather) were OK to wait a little longer if I wanted. (I will research this study and link it here as soon as I find it.)

Though I felt that chances were not on my side, I asked for the additional time to try and continue pushing Emmett down. Everyone agreed that if nothing happened in 2 hours or so, I would be c-sectioned.

Once the epidural as administered, Heather was able to try and help turn Emmett a little more. He wasn’t especially cooperative, but I appreciated her efforts.

I have to give thanks to the Dr. who administered the epidural. As much as I hated getting it, it was perfect in that it took the edge off the pain, but I could still feel the downward pressure of the baby…and I was able to maintain 100% mobility. I think all of those factors allowed me to be an effective pusher and bring baby Emmett down. I could move my own legs during the contraction and the pressure helped me learn how to push.

It took another 2 hours and quite a bit more Pitocin to push out Emmett. I actually didn’t think it (the pushing) was working until I heard Heather call the attending physicians and tell them I would be delivering vaginally (I guess he was finally moving down the birth canal like he was supposed to.) I can’t lie, I was pretty out of it during the last two hours. Some of it was pure exhaustion, but I’m sure part of it was the epidural as well. I remember feeling ambivalent about Emmett’s birth and hated myself for that. Thankfully, Eric was able to see his son crowning and in some way, I was able to read the emotions in Eric’s face and save a little bit of it for myself.

My original dream of the birth included Emmett being placed on my chest right away and waiting for the cord to stop pulsing. None of that happened. Emmett had been hanging on and doing well throughout the night. But he started to suffer during the last hour. His heart rate started to drop. I had to go on oxygen. I had to lay on one side to help his decelerations. When he was born, it was a whirlwind. Eric told me later that on those last few pushes, Heather gave him a look that said “have her get him out now”. I guess Emmett was looking really bad on the monitor. He came out sideways with his head cocked at an odd angle. Eric had to cut the cord immediately. He was whisked away to the other side of the room to the small team standing by. I guess I’m thankful I was a little out of it, because I knew he wasn’t doing well and I would have been freaking out if I was fully present. I saw a little hand waving around but it was a while before I heard crying. He had to have some oxygen. Emmett’s poor little head was so misshapen. He had a HUGE conehead…and the conehead was lopsided. It literally looked like a second head growing out of the side of his own head. His poor little ear on that side was also completely flattened. Again, in my drugged-out ambivalent stupor, I remember thinking “Oh well, nothing a little plastic surgery can’t fix”.

My placenta came without a problem. I examined it with Heather….seriously fascinating if you haven’t seen one before. I had to have 3 stitches but it was a superficial tear only.

My body was completely destroyed after Emmett’s birth. The swelling I had “down there” was un-worldly. I’ll just say it was an unrecognizable mess. I can’t think of a single muscle in my body that wasn’t on fire. My neck muscles, chest muscles, biceps, hands, calves…..EVERYTHING had been pushed to the limit. I couldn’t see very well for 2 hours after Emmett’s birth. My eyes were so swollen from the pushing. My face swelled up from pushing so hard too. Eric said my entire face was turning purple with effort the last few hours.

Even now, it’s been 4 days since Emmett’s birth. I’m still not walking too well or moving around. I was so thankful to avoid a c-section…but it doesn’t make my recovery a walk in the park.

I still feel really mixed up about Emmett’s birth. I don’t think I could have been in any better shape physically than I was…so I feel like my body betrayed me a bit. I’m also trying to decide on what my “lessons learned” on this birth were. Was there anything I could have done differently? Could I have prepared better? I’m not sure. Ultimately, I have to keep reminding myself that I did avoid a c-section and so far, Emmett is doing great. He is healthy and he is eating well. But, I think it will take me a while to come to terms with his birthday.
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  #2  
March 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,930
Wow after reading your birth story I think you did amazingly well. Pain meds are there for situations like yours and can be a valuable tool in avoiding a c-section which is what you just did. It was a hard labor and sometimes they just are that way. And it is okay to be disappointed that the birth didn't go the way you wanted it to. But I think you did wonderfully and were very successful in having your little one. I am so sorry it has been such a rough recovery. Sometimes it just doesn't go the way we plan. HUGS! He is beautiful by the way and you look really good for the ordeal you have been through. Prodromal labor is REALLY hard as I am in the midst of it myself.
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  #3  
March 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM
tiffanys's Avatar Expecting #1- Fisher
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Please do not feel disappointed in yourself, I think it sounds like you did an amazing job and you have a beautiful little boy to show for it! You should be proud of yourself for knowing your body and knowing exactly what you needed to do to get your son out in the safest way possible! I'm sorry that your labor didn't go exactly how you planned, but I truly think you are an amazingly strong woman!
Thanks for sharing this even though I know it wasn't easy for you!
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  #4  
March 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Liz, you are a total warrior. I am so glad that Heather was on call for you because she IS the BEST. When I read your story I kept thinking about all the similarities from our births, right down to the same midwife! (I too had hallucinations! and remember thinking if I Told anyone about them I was going straight to the looney bin). Heather is an amazing person, but you are even more amazing. Read your story and then try to tell me you're not a warrior!
I was almost in tears reading your story because I can feel your pain when you write it. I know in time you will heal though, because you are strong and youre NOT a quitter. Getting that epidural probably helped keep you from a c-section because you could reserve some of your strength. You are amazing, Liz.

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  #5  
March 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM
KMH KMH is offline
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Wow, what an ordeal. You and Eric should be very proud of how strong you stayed as a team and that you made it as far as you did. Your baby is absolutely gorgeous...congrats!
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  #6  
March 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM
starrsgirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks for the encouraging words, Ladies! Believe me, they mean so much to me. I'm still beating myself up for his birth....I don't know if that makes sense but I feel really guilty still. And, I feel really critical of all my actions. I keep trying to go through all the moments and look for different paths to the end. Sometimes, I just feel like I didn't do enough.
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  #7  
March 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM
starrsgirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
Oh my gosh Liz, I still haven't posted my birth story yet but its not too dissimilar to yours... actually it IS on so many levels, but the feelings and experiences you had during the birth (the pain, not being present, being ambivalent about the birth) is SOOO much the same. I'm just starting to be ok thinking and talking about the experience so I should write about it soon. I'm so proud of you and you should be so happy that you avoided a c-section because that would have added on additional days of struggling on the flipside of the birth (not to mention not being able to work out for 6 weeks!).


((((HUGS)))))) you did everything you could have done and even if you did have to have a c-section (again, let me reiterate, you should be very happy that you didn't need one! I think a scheduled c-section is one thing...having one after such a long and intense labor is another), it would have been ok. Because we just can't predict what would happen and how things would have gone if different decisions were made (I'm talking to myself here too)...and honestly, right now, we are so close to the experience, our bodies are trying to heal, our hormones are out of whack but trying to adjust...but ultimately the most important thing (and actually the ONLY important thing) is our children are here and healthy. Emmett is gorgeous, his head will be perfectly shaped soon enough, and I am SO SO SO happy for you and Eric!!
Seema, you should definitely write your story out as soon as possible. Obviously, it didn't alleviate my guilt but there's something about typing it out in stark letters that makes you face it head on. I guess when I finally wrote his story out, I realized there's not a darn thing I could change now about it. It happened the way it happened and that's the reality that I have to face.

Big Hugs to you for the C-section. Just take it one day at a time over there. I completely agree that it's sort of "unfair" to have a c-section after your own hard and intense labor. That's not how the world is supposed to work, right? And (though I haven't heard your story) I can imagine you have both the pain from the c-section and from labor itself...the double whammy. Hang in there! I'm pulling for you!
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  #8  
March 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
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HUGS Liz, i'm sorry the birth wasn't what you hoped it would be...but congrats on Emmett (he's so handsome!). I also planned a no-meds birth and found I couldn't handle the pitocin contractions without eventually an epi...so try not to be too hard on yourself, you did your very best (both in preparation and during labor)and I think you should be so incredibly proud of avoiding a c-section given his position...and in the end you delivered your son perfectly healthy, which is an awesome result of all your hard efforts. HUGS
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  #9  
March 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM
fromustobaby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You are superwoman...
AMazing...you should be so proud of what your body did to get him out without a c-section - that would have been a c-section for most normal people...

You did a great job - beyond great...and I hope that you can look back on it as that in the future...

Was reading your blog...if your body needs to rest - then rest...and hooray for Emmett being an easy baby
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  #10  
March 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM
Jule'sMomInOR's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Liz, thanks for posting this even though I know it must have been hard. Maybe I should have taken your advice and not read it until after delivering, but I think it was good that I read it. My key lesson learned was to use sleep aids during early labor to keep my body rested as much as possible. Labor is very unpredictable, and you think you did amazing under the circumstances. I don't think I would have lasted that long. Congrats on avoiding a c-section and on having your beautiful boy.
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  #11  
March 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Oh my gosh Liz, I still haven't posted my birth story yet but its not too dissimilar to yours... actually it IS on so many levels, but the feelings and experiences you had during the birth (the pain, not being present, being ambivalent about the birth) is SOOO much the same. I'm just starting to be ok thinking and talking about the experience so I should write about it soon. I'm so proud of you and you should be so happy that you avoided a c-section because that would have added on additional days of struggling on the flipside of the birth (not to mention not being able to work out for 6 weeks!).


((((HUGS)))))) you did everything you could have done and even if you did have to have a c-section (again, let me reiterate, you should be very happy that you didn't need one! I think a scheduled c-section is one thing...having one after such a long and intense labor is another), it would have been ok. Because we just can't predict what would happen and how things would have gone if different decisions were made (I'm talking to myself here too)...and honestly, right now, we are so close to the experience, our bodies are trying to heal, our hormones are out of whack but trying to adjust...but ultimately the most important thing (and actually the ONLY important thing) is our children are here and healthy. Emmett is gorgeous, his head will be perfectly shaped soon enough, and I am SO SO SO happy for you and Eric!!
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  #12  
March 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM
Lizas_mommy's Avatar mommy of two
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Wow. I have no words. That really is a nightmare. Just move forward from this point on and not look back. Its in the past and now you have a healthy baby boy!
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  #13  
March 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM
waterlilly's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 420
First congratulations!! He is adorable!! Sorry you had such a rough delivery! I totally agree that any normal woman would not have made it though that!! Be proud of yourself and stop beating yourself up about what could have been.. It was out of your control!! I have learned after 3 pregnancies to just take the deliveries as they come and not to expect anything.. Each one has been so different.. Congratulations again!!
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  #14  
March 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Wow. I think if this had been me or any other "average" woman, we wouldn't have been so fortunate! Giving birth, while very natural, is still very difficult (traumatic)!
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  #15  
March 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM
lovely_serendipity's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Im here lurking from the Sept DDC. Wow I read ur warning at the top but i decided to read it anyway. That way very tough...lucky for me i dont scare easy lol. U are such a trooper and u shouldnt feel guilty at all!!
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