[DaniB+3]

As many of you know, my BFF out in CA and I got pregnant around the same time but unfortunately she lost her baby right around Christmas time. Well, I am just sitting here texting back and forth with her about life and the holidays and whatnot, and while talking about the baby being born I referred to him as Miles and she got really curt and said, "Where did you get that name from????" to which I responded that John and I sat down and went through the baby name websites looking over names, added it to our list and then ended up choosing it because it fit our criteria the best (not too common, not too weird, sounded nice with the middle & last name we already selected, etc.). Heck, you ladies know how hard DF and I toiled over our final four names, LOL.

Well, her response is that it was the name her and her SO had chosen if their baby was a boy and she swears she told me that back before her m/c. Seriously, ladies, I swear on everything sacred in this world that I do NOT remember her telling me that, ever. Frankly, at that early in pregnancy I didn't even think that people were at the babynaming stage yet (DF and I certainly weren't) so I don't know why we would've talked about such things. And if, by some chance, she did tell me in passing I really 100% cross-my-heart don't remember it whatsoever. I don't remember what I did yesterday these days - recalling random text message conversations from four months ago is not my strong suit.

Nonetheless, I am now officially a "name stealer." In the eyes of my best friend. Who had a miscarriage. And is currently TTC. What in the world do I do with that? I'm sure she's sitting on her phone rifling through old messages trying to find this alleged exchange, and if she does happen to find it then I'm sure I'll look like a total, name-stealing jerk no matter what I say otherwise. But I know in my heart of hearts that I didn't "take" the name and this is purely coincidental on my end. However I feel bad nonetheless because she thinks differently AND I probably just triggered bad m/c memories to boot. I'm obviously not changing my kid's name, so that's not an option. Sorry if that's wrong of me, but the name has been shared with our family & friends and meanwhile I happen to love it regardless. Call me petty or stubborn, but I'm not changing the name of a kid that is inevitably coming in 3-4 months just because she may or may not have a baby in the future that may or may not be a boy whom she may or may not want to call Miles when the time comes to name him. Sorry, I swear I'm NOT belittling m/c whatsoever - just looking at the reality of the situation as a whole and the fact of the matter is that I have a son coming and his name has been chosen. There is no "maybe" in my case.

So do I just accept myself as a name stealer in the eyes of my closest friend?? Is there any way to make that right?? To be honest, she could turn around and have a baby tomorrow, name it Miles, and I couldn't care less. I'm not weird like that about names (we live 3K miles away, for goodness sake), but I know I'm in the minority in that sense. Heck, her daughter's name (who's 3) is Emily and I have an Emma, and it makes not one bit of difference to me. If you like a name, you like it. End of story.

Ugh. Not a happy camper today....

[Smashley]

I think..... who cares! Name in Miles! You are right, you shouldnt have to change his name because your friend may or may not have a son one day, that she may or may not name Miles. You are not a baby stealer!

[Admin-Rachel]

Keep the name you love, she'll get over it and if she doesn't, she's not really a friend anyway.

[tiffany&co.]

Ugh, I can see how that is a tough situation. Obviously you should still use Miles though. It's sad that she can't just assume the best (that you didn't steal the name from her) and be happy for you.

[Smashley]

HAHA wow! I just realized what I wrote. I am sure that you aren't a baby stealer!! I meant name stealer. And... name HIM Miles.

[mom2more]

I say that you just be honest with her. Tell her that you do not recall her mentioning that name to you and that your husband and you are using that name. Tell her you have already told family members the name and it is set. But let her know that you have no issues if she also uses the name in the future.

Though, IMHO if I were her and I had a name picked for a baby and that baby did not make it I do not know that I could use that name for another baby.....

[CherZ]

Just be honest with your friend and if she can't let it go or be a good friend to you, leave her be until she comes around....

[DaniB+3]

Originally Posted by mom2more

Though, IMHO if I were her and I had a name picked for a baby and that baby did not make it I do not know that I could use that name for another baby.....

See, I kinda thought that was the case, too, but obviously I have zero personal experience to draw from so who am I to say? If, heaven forbid, something happened to this baby I certainly would keep his name as is and not use it again, but maybe it's different because I'm further along? I really don't know the delicacies involved in honoring a miscarried/stillborn child. Like I said - purely my two cents as an outsider so I guess it's easy for me to speculate.

Either way, it's still not a case of name theft if I didn't know better. Her and I are like the same person in two different bodies - it really doesn't surprise me in the slightest that we like the same name and I actually think it's funny, outside of the loss aspect of it. That's just typical "us", LOL.

[swozze3]

Wow what a tough situation. I would think if your friend is that good of a friend she wouldn't be assuming you stole the name anyways. I am one who likes interesting names. Now that we are on #3 is been lots harder choosing a name. We still dont have a name picked out yet. Gotta get on that....none sound great to me. actually I like one but DH is set on the idea....oh well...it will all work out in due time

[Tamara0711]

I can see how that's a tough situation to be in, but really, if she's that good of a friend she should believe you and understand. I don't think you should change the name either... you're right in keeping it. I agree with Rachel, if she can't get over it, then she's really not a friend. *hugs*

[DaniB+3]

Originally Posted by CherZ

Just be honest with your friend and if she can't let it go or be a good friend to you, leave her be until she comes around....

I think this is the route that I'm leaning towards. When we were having the conversation and she said that to me, I told her that she didn't tell me and that I really had no idea she had chosen it, and that we came up with the name when DF and I were going through the baby name website, etc etc. So I've stated my case, and I did apologize because I do feel bad if I made her uncomfortable or upset. So now I feel like if I bring it up again or keep apologizing that it just makes me look guilty and that is NOT the case. I really didn't know any better. So going over it again and again isn't productive. It is what it is. The more I think about it, the more I realize that there is no way to "fix" it so I need to leave it alone. As you've all suggested, I need to let her get over it in her own time and way.

I'm beginning to think that these feelings I have over this name situation are just symptomatic of a larger set of issues that have been brewing for months. I've tried really hard to be sympathetic due to her m/c but - 100% honesty and sorry if I offend - I really just want her to finally be HAPPY for me and DF despite what happened since the current situation cannot/will not change and this baby of mine IS coming. I mean, first I stole her thunder by announcing my pregnancy right after hers (even though both were unplanned), then I stole her thunder by having the same due date as her (I'm sure she was thrilled when it was moved back) and now I've stolen her name. She even speculated that maybe she told John and HE stole the name, which is ludicrous since the two of them don't even talk unless they're both in the same room for me (they don't like each other - long story). I don't know what else I can possibly do "wrong" in a situation in which I truly don't have a ton of control over things. I am really, truly sorry for what happened to her, but in no way do I feel like I owe her anything in terms of my own pregnancy. I just want to have my kid in peace and have those around me share in my joy. Clearly she just can't/won't, it seems.

So, bigger questions at hand......at what point do I stop being unconditionally "understanding" due to her m/c circumstances and start pushing back against people like her who dump all over my happiness??? I don't wish to be confrontational necessarily, but I'm seriously bursting at the seams with all of these things that I want to say to make her understand how crappy she makes me feel whenever we speak about my pregnancy/child.

Originally Posted by Tamara0711

I can see how that's a tough situation to be in, but really, if she's that good of a friend she should believe you and understand. I don't think you should change the name either... you're right in keeping it. I agree with Rachel, if she can't get over it, then she's really not a friend. *hugs*

Excellent point that I didn't even consider. Truth be told, I AM offended to be accused of theft. That's pretty crappy. But as you can tell from my previous post, it may have something to do with larger issues on her end. But yes, after this many years of very close friendship I am taken aback by the accusation.

[mom2more]

It sounds like maybe you do need to back off this friendship for a bit and give her some space. I am thinking she is jealous of you right now because you are having a baby and she is not. Maybe she will come around in a while.

[RASCAL821]

Sounds to me that you are still in the initial SHOCK stage of her finding out your childs name. She and you are obviously in a very tough situation. If your friend had JUST had a miscarriage in December it would not be as much of an issue or discussion as it has been for the two of you.....Unfortunately with you being pregnant at the same time it is a constant reminder to her of her loss and what she SHOULD be experiencing right along with you.....That has to be really hard on her. I am sure she WANTS more than anything to show her excitement towards the birth of your son, but it might just seem like one small dagger at a time towards her heart and her loss. I dont mean to make you feel bad WHATSOEVER...its natural BOTH of your feelings....and I am sure she doesn't want to make you feel bad either. I think time will tell.....give her some time to let it sink in and accept the situation.....I am sure that she will come around. If that was her name that she had can you imagine how she would have felt when you told her that? SHOCK!!! So even though it was an innocent OOPSIES chalk another one up to you girls being so much alike!!! it had to sting!!! Let her have some time....but no i don't think you should change the name!!! Good Luck...keep us posted on how you two are doing

[BeccaM]

I dont think your a baby name stealer. I think for her it was more of the initial shock of hearing the name and it prolly brought back alot of emotions for her and her m/c. Id say give her some time and Im sure she will come around. But I would go ahead with the name Miles and dont beat yourself up over it.

[mafiamom]

i had a m/c last january (got pg in nov just like i did this time) and i just so happened to be due a week after my niece with whom i am very close.basically it was just about exactly what you and your friend went thru, with timing of announcements, etc. it WAS a bit weird to be around her and have her talk about the baby and where she was at in pregnancy - thinking that i should be right along with her..... but at least in MY situation, i was able to realize that life isnt fair and it isnt HER fault she is still pregnant while i wasnt. i could let it go and be truly happy for her. it is very easy to become bitter. you are filled with these crazy emotions that have no where to go so you are probably a pretty good outlet for some of them.

personally, and i know everyone is different and i dont know her situation at all, but i think she needs to find a healthier outlet for those emotions and come to peace with you and where you are at in your life. i only say this, cause i can see how a situation like this can scar a relationship for life, and .... while m/c's SUCK BALLS you have to find an inner strength to be happy for those you love. that is what love is all about.

you are definitely in a tough situation, i dont envy it at all. i hope your friend is able to find the peace in her life that will allow her to be truly happy for someone she loves. as for you.... totally banning her from your life will come back to bite you. she will blame you for it somehow, someway. you are dealing with someone who isnt thinking quite rationally right now. not saying you have to fawn all over her, but remember - this can only make YOU look bad. stay in touch with her. dont mention babies. keep it surface for awhile while this mess blows over.

just my stupid little opinion hope some of my ramblings make sense!

[andi2284]

That is a really uncomfortable situation. I think with time, your friend will realize that it's not a big deal, but for now, it's just hitting her hard. I know I was very emotionally attached to the name we picked for DD when I was pregnant, so it would have been hard for me to "let go" of it if something had happened and I didn't use the name but someone else did. I'm one of those people who has a hard time using a name someone I'm close to already has used. I associate names with someone I know with the name, so we have tried to stay away from names of other family member's children or close friends. So in that way, I can understand where she is coming from with how she reacted.

In another way, having BTDT several times, I know how much things can change. The boys name we picked out when I was pregnant with my first, I don't like anymore, so we started looking for different boy names if this baby turned out to be a boy. We also had 2 names picked out last time for my daughter, the other one being Amelia. My sister was pregnant at the same time and they ended up naming thier daughter Emilia, so we decided against using it with this baby. She knew that was our second choice and asked if I minded if she used it, and it really didn't bother me, I knew we could pick another name if we had another girl.

Hopefully your friend comes around, for now I would just not mention it and let her work through her feelings on it on her own.

[SewDivine]

I think there is more emotion behind it all then just the name. I know when I miscarried one of my really good friends was due two weeks before me. We were both due two weeks apart with our girls too. So hearing her talk about any baby stuff was really hard. I wanted to be happy for her but I was just to sad for me, I know selfish. But maybe she is still in that bitter emotional stage and because she isn't pregnant yet she just feels like you get the baby and the name too. I am NOT saying change the name, just more let it go from here and give her time to adjust. Once she gets pregnant again I am sure much of her attitude will change.

[~Rae~]

You didn't steal the name. What I really think happened is that she may or may not have thrown the name around the short time she was pregnant, and may or may not have ran it past you. Are you expected to remember every single name a pregnant person considers?
I gave this some careful thought, and I thought about "name calling" situations that I have been involved in. My cousin, all her life even when we were little, said that if and when she has a little girl, she would name her Lauren. That always made the name off limits to me as a personal choice...even though I don't particularly like the name. Your situation is different.
You have no recollection of her saying she wanted to use the name, and if you guys are really close she should know and believe that. She should know you would never do anything to hurt her. I have a bff and if I were in the same situation I would know without a doubt that either I didn't tell her the name but thought I did or that she just forgot.
She just has to get over herself. I'm not trying to sound cold, but making you feel bad about something like that is wrong to me. She probably has unresolved issues from her loss and ultimately has to learn how to set herself free from it.
I have not had a m/c before, but I don't believe that this discounts my opinion. We have all suffered through some type of loss at some point and time. I learned that bitterness only festers into negativity that pushes others away.
I really hope you guys bounce back quickly from this!

[w292737]

Honestly I'll name my kid whatever I want regardless of what people think, name stealer or not

[AniLand]

You are not a name stealer. And I'm not just saying that to be nice. You and your husband are having a baby, and this is the name you chose. There is nothing wrong with that at all. I'm sorry your BFF had a miscarriage, I really am. But I think there should, and will, come a time when she is happy for you and supportive. I don't know how to say this without sounding like a jerk, but... she can support you through this and choose another name (or the same name!) when her baby is born. Just my opinion.