[lrowe70]

No I'm not getting divorced, this is a question about what to say to a friend who is.

I used to be very close to a girl from undergrad, I'll call her Kim. Anyway over the years Kim and I drifted. No issues with our relationship, just different jobs in different locations. Every few years we'd run into each other at people's weddings and stuff.
We mostly just keep in contact through Facebook.
She got married about 4 years ago and posted tons of photos and information. She and I often had online conversations about marriage and kids and stuff.
About 5 months ago I noticed her Facebook posts seemd kind of depressing and sent a note asking what was wrong. She never responded.
Yesterday I noticed that her Facebook last name changed. It had been hyphened with her maiden and then husband's name. I clicked onto her page and saw that all her wedding and other photos of her husband were gone. There were a few posts from people I don't know that said things like, "I'm sorry you're going through a tough time..." and "Think of this as a new chapter in your life..."
Long story short, it is apparent she is going through a divorce.

I have no idea what to say or do? I don't know the details and don't want to seem nosy or rude. But I also don't want her to think I don't care by not saying anything.

Any advice? Especially any advice on things NOT to say?

[Dixana]

Since she ignored your last message I'm really not sure I would say anything.
Divorce, separation, breaking up, it is all hard and you never know how someone might be feeling.
She might even be somewhat embarrassed.
If anything, maybe just send her another generic message asking how she is doing.

[Mama.Angie]

I think since she chose not to respond last time, you shouldn't be so forward as to point out her marriage issues, since she never actually told you anything. I think what would be acceptable is to again send a message along the lines of "Here to listen if you ever need to talk." or something to that extent. A greeting of support and a reminder of friendship.

[~Rae~]

Ditto to Angie!

[Admin-Rachel]

Originally Posted by Dixana

Since she ignored your last message I'm really not sure I would say anything.
Divorce, separation, breaking up, it is all hard and you never know how someone might be feeling.
She might even be somewhat embarrassed.
If anything, maybe just send her another generic message asking how she is doing.

I agree.

Also? I hate Facebook break ups. I have one friend who every time she gets into a fight with her spouse she's changing her relationship status from married to it's complicated or something else.

[marieks85]

Originally Posted by Rachel

I agree.

Also? I hate Facebook break ups. I have one friend who every time she gets into a fight with her spouse she's changing her relationship status from married to it's complicated or something else.

I have a couple friends like that on fb too. I also have ones who go from single to engaged on fb after like 2 dates and then single again.

Anyways I agree with Angie. Let her know you're here for her to talk if she needs it. She probably has a million people asking questions so I'm sure just having someone there willing to listen would be a nice change of pace.

[mandy5586]

Yep. What Angie said! I was going to suggest offering to go out and do something together, but I don't know how far apart you guys live so that may not even work!

Either way, I don't think I'd point out the divorce or issues. I'd probably just send her a message that says something nice. Or if she has posted a new photo of herself recently, I'd make a point to put a nice compliment on it. IT's the little things that count!

[CanadianLou]

Originally Posted by marieks85

I have a couple friends like that on fb too. I also have ones who go from single to engaged on fb after like 2 dates and then single again.

Ugggg HATE THAT...

Anyway.... I'd probably do like Angie said and just send a message to her that doesn't assume there is something going on with her relationship, since she didn't tell you anything.

I just wanted to say too, that even though she didn't write you last time, don't take it as she did that on purpose. I have gotten messages before, and if they'll take some time to respond to I just tell myself I'll come back and do it and I have been know to forget once I get busy and keep putting it off..

[w292737]

Since you value her friendship I'd drop her a line, even if she didn't respond last time. she might not have seen it. or with everything going on tried to close her self off.

Just let her know you can see something isup. if she wants to talk you are there, and leave it at that.

[PurpleQueen]

Originally Posted by mandy5586

Yep. What Angie said! I was going to suggest offering to go out and do something together, but I don't know how far apart you guys live so that may not even work!

Either way, I don't think I'd point out the divorce or issues. I'd probably just send her a message that says something nice. Or if she has posted a new photo of herself recently, I'd make a point to put a nice compliment on it. IT's the little things that count!

id say this is great idea ... hit her up next time you feel like going out and have lunch maybe.. just go for fun dont bring it up less she does .. she prolly wants a break from it all

[8miraclez]

I hate Facebook for things like that. Could you call her and just say you're not trying to be nosey, just offerring support if she needs it? A simple "thinking of you" on Facebook will let her know you still care too.

[lrowe70]

Thanks for the responses.
I will send her another generic message.
The one I sent earlier was quite a few months back when I believe she was in the midst of the divorce. Now things appear to be more finalized so she may be more able to talk.
Though we'd drifted I do value her friendship. She's not one of those Facebook drama types(ugh-I hate those!) I do want her to know that I'm here for her if needed.