Forum: June, July, August & September 2011 Playroom
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Hey everyone. Sorry I have only popped in once in awhile lately. I've been really busy between working, parenting, and doing all of the summertime stuff that we do around here.
So, my little guy has become...well...mean. Just plain mean. He is a hitting, biting, pinching machine. He is not around other babies so I don't see how he could've learned this behavior from another child. He's just decided to be mean. I am not really sure what to do about it. But honestly I'm at my wit's end. I am really sick of being hurt by my 10 1/2 month old child and not being able to communicate to him that's it's painful and wrong. I'm trying time out, saying "no" firmly, putting him down and walking away, and NOTHING is working. I swear, it's almost like he thinks the word "no" is some sort of challenge . And when he's nursing he's become a big fan of hitting me in the face, pinching my breasts and biting my nipples. I am ready to wean him just out of a desire to protect myself. I already have touch/perosnal space-related issues as it is, and I get that he is a baby and can't understand that about me, but his behavior STILL triggers them. So now I have many times throughout the day where I just don't even want to hold him or be near him, let alone feed him. Wow, even just typing that makes me feel like a total jerk.
He also kicks, screams & physically fights me when going to bed. He's never been really great at going to bed but he is by far the worst that he's ever been. He is in a crib now for at least part, if not all, of the night so we no longer bedshare. We had to move him out of bed after he took a nasty spill that left a huge scabby mark on his forehead . Bedtime has just become a total mess. It's like a super stressful 2-3 hour affair in our house most nights. I am not a CIO type of mom no matter how frustrated I get but I neeeeeeeed to figure out how to make this process easier on everyone, him included. I'm not going to lie, it's been super tempting to just leave him screaming in his crib for even just five minutes when I'm at my most frustrated and ready to throw myself under a train. I won't actually do it, but again...it's tempting. As soon as the sun goes down, I just DREAD being home and dealing with him because it's like he's flipped a switch and gone into crazy mode. And then that makes me feel like a terrible mother for even saying things like that .
Please, if someone has some ideas or suggestions on dealing with the behavior problems and the bedtime mess, I'm all ears. I think I'm just so stressed out by all of it that I'm having a hard time looking at it rationally and finding reasonable solutions.
__________________ Thank you, *sharon*, for my siggy!
I can totally see why you aren't enjoying being roughhoused with by Miles. I'm not sure what to suggest though at this age. Can you work on it with him and something else to help him learn to be gentle? With Dominic he has been learning from time I spend with him petting the cat. I help him pet her over and over with an open hand while saying gentle. It seems to have really helped him. He isn't pulling hair anymore and has learned the meaning of being gentle. He sometimes still needs reminders though, and once in a while tries to rip my nose off or something :/ but I do think it helped.
Oh man... well. You might not like my suggestion for bedtime but I will give my opinion anyways. What you described doesn't sound like a good situation for you OR Miles. I would have none of it. I would walk him into his room, try to calmly say goodnight, but as soon as he starts fighting you and screaming I would put him down and walk out. And yes, let him CIO. Mom's who choose to do CIO are not evil, really... it's not. Yes, there are a bad night or two and that is all it took to completely fix Dominic's going to bed issue (and yes, it took us 2 hours + to get him down before doing it) If you are dreading bedtime and he's miserable, then the way it's going now isn't working either so why not try another method. Just my opinion though, I know it's hard to do. But we are a lot happier (both of us).
Personally I'd give bedsharing another try. 3 hours a night of crying fits is enough to drive anyone over the edge.
If you're so afraid he'll fall can you put your mattress on the floor? Or maybe just surround the bed with couch cushions or large pillows? Maybe push your bed against a wall and put a rail on the other side?
So so so sorry you are dealing with this. Hope you find something that works for you and your family.
That really does sound horrible, sorry Miles is going threw a difficult phase. Hopefully its just a short phase.
Carter started experimenting with biting and he bit his sister and she bit him back before I got a chance to step in. He stopped biting tho but he sometimes still does the hitting (usually when hes overtired) I would just keep saying no and I pretend to cry when he really does hurt me and Carter HATES when I cry and starts crying himself it stops the hitting for awhile anyways.
For bedtime do you think his behaviour is so bad becasue he isn't co sleeping anymore? or was it like this before anyways?
I just wanted to let you know you're not alone with the violence thing. Xavier hits, bites, pinches, & scratches all the time if you piss him off. I have no idea where he learned it either. When he does it, we put him down immediately or move him to another area & walk away. I don't spend time explaining to him because for one, he wont understand my explanation, & two he's too mad to listen even if he did understand. What he DOES understand is that if he hurts someone, mommy won't hold him, which results in him discontinuing the behavior for a while.
Not sure about the bedtime thing. I remember you saying he had a late nap time. Have you axed that yet? I don't do CIO either, but at his age, I would begin a bed time routine that includes putting him to bed alone. Xavier had a bad night two days ago. I know thats different, but I'll tell you what I did. For some reason he hadn't been wanting to go to bed when he usually has zero issues.I normally kiss him, put him in his crib & leave with noissues. That night he kept crying & standing up in the crib. I told him it was time for night night, & turned off the lights. When he stood up again, I would soothe him by patting his back. After about 3 min, I sat down in his glider across the room & spoke softly to him. He stood in his crib & fussed, but he could see & hear me even in the dark. I think it kind of settled him so he laid himself down, & when he fell asleep I left the room. The whole thing took maybe 5-6 min.
It's going to be hard, but I would take a week or so & do something like that every single night.
I hear you on the violence thing too! Avery does things but I don't think she really realizes what she is doing. When she is nursing she hits my chest, scratches, pinches. The other day when I was rocking her she almost gouged my eye out. It is still sore 3 days later. When she is angry she flings her body around and kicks.
One suggestion I would have would be to get a nursing neclace (or just wear a big, strong, beady neclace) to wear while nursing so that he has something to keep his hands busy. At this age, they get bored, and if the only thing that entertains them is pinching mom, they will do it.
As for bedtime, do you have a routine? I think that is super important. I might try bedsharing again as well like lrowe said, especially since you are not up for CIO.
(I am actually in a similar situation to you. I feel like I need to change something and am thinking about transitioning her to her crib and trying to get her to sleep on her own.)
Sometimes when avery fights sleep, if I hold her against me in a cradle position (and hold her arms and legs tight) and rock/hum to her, she will cry and fight for a while, but then she will pass out shortly after. Might that work for Miles?
Also, could dad help by taking turns? Like, you try for 45 minutes, and when you get frustrated he comes in and takes over for a while? We do that too when I have had enough, because me feeling frustrated does not help Avery. i think she can sense it.
I am sorry Silas has turned the same way, although he takes his frustration out on Ayla mostly. He bites now, hits, head butts, tackles her all the time. She can hold her own thankfully, or just walks away, but it gets frustrating. He's becoming very territorial of his toys. To the point where I have to take them away from him because he will get mean! I figure that it is just a phase, so I am just trying my best to wait it out. I say NO, and put him down as well. He will take full on temper tantrum where if he is held or not, will just flip out. I usually try to hold him to calm him down, but if he fights me then he is going to finish his tantrum on the floor, and I walk away.
As for sleep. I am for modified CIO, so I probably am no help.
Gosh I wish there was a magic formula for this! Josie usually is violent when she's overtired or teething. Have you tried Tylenol or Advil or teething tablets? Especially at bedtime? Sometimes I can't tell during the day she's in pain and it comes out in the evening. This *sometimes* works for me. But not all the time and I don't do it all the time cause I don't want to load her up on meds.
__________________
Mom to Josie, Born September 5, 2011
Team green, due August 2, 2013
I have a question and if the answer is yes, the book I'm going to write below does not apply?
First of all, is it possible he is in pain? Teething, growing pain, bowel issues, etc. Some kids (and adults) lash out when they hurt. In those instances there's not much you can do aside from comforting him as best you, trying to help him feel better, tylenol etc.
Now if that's not the case, at this age our babies are not really babies anymore. They're curious, exploratory little people who are pushing their boundaries, learning about the world, and trying to find their niche. It is VERY common for children to be mean, starting from now until they learn more self control, manners, appropriate behavior etc (think kindergarten). If they don't learn these behaviors are unacceptable they will continue them.
Unfortunately, babies/toddlers don't understand what they are doing is mean, discipline is not an opten for kids this age, right? Wrong.
Discipline is essentially teaching. Miles needs to learn this behavior will life pretty miserable.
So. EVERY time he bits, hits, pinches, etc. something needs to happen. And it will only work if EVERYONE does this. (mom, dad, sisters, grandma, etc)
Example one: You're nursing Miles and he bites you.
Do NOT make eye contact (look at his tummy instead), firmly tell him no, put him down immediately and walk away. Do not return for 10 minutes. Do not come back if he cries.
Repeat process. Same results.
Example two: you're getting him out of his high chair and he hits and kicks at you. It's the same as above. No eye contact, put him down right away, walk away.
Always (obviously) make sure there is nothing he can hurt himself on or get into, but ideally you should have your back to him (ignoring him completely) or be out of eye shot entirely.
If no one will give him contact when he's being mean he will eventually stop. Babies this age do not benefit from the words "no hitting" "no biting". Some might understand them, but most this age age do not. No is sufficient until 18 months to 2 years.
(please note: I'd love to say I'm just this smart about kids, but most of this information is regurgitated from information I got from the child psychologist at the county for issues I've posted about in SOTS. There's nothing in them about bedtime other than CIO techniques or the suggestion someone had above of wrapping him like a taco and psychically restraining him until he stops.)
I hope things get better soon! I can't imagine having such a little stinker at such a young age
Hugs to you and I hope it's just a phase and that you find something that works for you.
Bedtime around here is also all too often a 2 hour affair that leaves us both exhausted. The only thing that works consistently for me is to keep up with her routine. So we change clothes, nurse, sing songs and listen to her white noise until she is sleepy enough to go in the crib. If she stands up and starts crying (or worse, laughing), we leave the room for a few minutes then go back and repeat the routine again. It's torture.
And the last step is hovering over her in the crib and making sure she stays laying down. If I don't keep my hand on her hip until she is really truly passed out, she will stand up. She will even stand up in her sleep and then cry cause she doesn't know why she is standing up.
Personally I'd give bedsharing another try. 3 hours a night of crying fits is enough to drive anyone over the edge.
If you're so afraid he'll fall can you put your mattress on the floor? Or maybe just surround the bed with couch cushions or large pillows? Maybe push your bed against a wall and put a rail on the other side?
So so so sorry you are dealing with this. Hope you find something that works for you and your family.
Agree with this. Our bed is not against a wall and Keelan has never fallen out during the night. He's always between us, but there are times that Neely isn't in bed or leaves early for work and Keelan still hasn't moved. We do have a body pillow that Neely will put on his side of the bed when he leaves for work.
As far as the biting and pinching, etc., it's a phase and it will pass. If he's biting or pinching while nursing (or otherwise hurting you), end the nursing session. Put him down and tell him no biting (or whatever) and try again in a few minutes. If he continues to bite, just end the session totally. Keelan will sometimes bite and pull on my nipple, but I put my boob away and end the session. He only does it once or twice before he settles down and gets busy.
And put him down for 5 minutes if you're completely frustrated and need a minute. that doesn't make you a bad mom. In fact, the longer you try to soothe him and the longer he screams, the more frustrated you become. Give yourself a few minutes to regroup. He'll be fine!
