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My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We've been trying to have a child for 7. It was an emotional rollercoaster, and when I was diagnosed with PCOS four years ago, it explained our difficulty, but didn't make it any easier to deal with. For about a year after the diagnosis, we tried fertility treatments, with no success. Eventually, the cost of those treatments became prohibitive for us, and we had to stop. My husband is a Youth Pastor, and I am a nanny, so the costs associated with adoption seemed almost impossible for us as well. Last September, I had a small epiphany, and posted the following note on my Facebook page:
"It's hard sometimes, to be childless. I look around this world and see so many babies that are unloved, unwanted, uncared for, even killed while they are yet unborn. And my heart breaks. My arms ache to hold one of these precious little ones, and yet God has not seen fit to grant the desires of my heart. Seven years we have been waiting. It's a biblical number. Does that mean something? I'm not sure. All I know is that seven years is a very long time to ask and not receive.
But then I think about the kids in our youth group. These precious ones on the cusp of adulthood. So many of them have been unloved, unwanted, uncared for. Pieces of them have been killed by this harsh world before they had a chance to blossom. And I feel so humbled by the way God has entrusted them to us. When they are hurting, I can wrap my arms around them and hold them close. When they need someone to listen, I can be there. I can never truly take the place of *a mother in their lives, but maybe I can show them a little bit of the unconditional Godly mother-love that many of them so desperately need.
And I do love them as if they were my own. I wish I could protect them from the cruelties they face. I wish I could take away their heartaches. I wish I could heal their hurts. But I can't, any more than a real mother could. All I can do is listen when they need to talk, hold them when they need to cry, and pray fervently that God will work in their hearts and their lives to take care of the rest.
And sometimes, when the longing for a child of my own comes over me and the wait seems too long to bear, God whispers these precious ones into my mind and I remember. I am not childless."
I had finally come to a point of acceptance. The ache was still there, but I was willing to accept that there was a reason why we still had not conceived, and that I could be content with what God had given us, even if He never gave us a child.
Toward the end of October, I was tired and nauseous all the time, and figured I might as well buy a pregnancy test, even though I was certain I wasn't pregnant, because I had had something sort of like a period less than a month before. I had bought dozens of pregnancy tests over the years, and had never had even a faint positive. I was so jaded, so certain that there was no way I could possibly have conceived after all this time, I bought the cheap Walgreens brand test, for the first time ever. I had always bought First Response, and I had always waited to take the test with my first morning's urine. This time, I casually took the test as soon as I got home. I was used to setting the timer on my phone to read the test at the "3 minute mark," but this time was different. As soon as the pee hit the "pregnant" line, it turned a dark, vibrant blue. I couldn't believe my eyes. I started sobbing uncontrollably, and my husband burst in the bathroom to find out what was wrong. After years of dreaming and planning cute, memorable ways to tell him he was going to be a daddy, I just blurted out "I'm pregnant," still sitting on the potty, with my pants around my ankles and tears streaming down my face. My husband was thunderstruck. We couldn't contain our joy, and we told our parents that very night.
I made an appointment with an OB, anxiously waited the two weeks before they could get us in. In the meantime, I took 3 more pregnancy tests (including more expensive brands) because I just couldn't believe it was real, and because I was terrified of miscarrying. At our appointment, the doctor did an ultrasound to verify our EDD, and we discovered we were 11 weeks along. After my giddiness at seeing our little wonder twirling and kicking and spinning on the screen subsided somewhat, I was able to make a quick mental calculation. To my astonishment I realized that we must have conceived within days before or after I made my facebook post, and possibly that very day. It was as if God was waiting for me to realize how He had already blessed me beyond measure with children before He blessed my womb with one of my own.
I haven't had the easiest pregnancy. I'm *still* suffering from morning sickness, and I have been diagnosed with SPD. But I am so filled with gratitude and wonder every time my baby girl kicks, I can't bring myself to regret a single uncomfortable moment.
Thanks for providing a place like this. I wish I had discovered it sooner. And thanks for listening to my story.
Last edited by Petuniababoon; April 1st, 2011 at 04:46 PM.
Awww...Sara. It seems like when you have given up all hope God knows when to bless. I'm happy you're pregnant now. 7 years is a long time to wait. It was a wait well worth it though. I hope your morning sickness disappears...ugh it's nothing to want to deal with all day every day...love to hear more from you soon. =)