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So here's the deal. My best friend of 20 years has been trying for over 2 1/2 years to conceive. They've done all the fertility tests and are starting their second round of Clomid. Last month she got a BFP on a HPT and was estatic. Around 6 weeks pregnant, she told me and both of their families and a select few good friends. She started bleeding one night, assumed she'd had a miscarriage, told all our friends & families she had a miscarriage, and hid in her house for a few days. She went to the doctor, and was told that her betas were still doubling so she DIDN'T have a miscarriage, it could've been something else. So they RETOLD everyone they were still pregnant. At this point it was Christmas time, and they ordered Christmas cards with pictures standing in front of their tree with signs saying "We're Expecting" (they totally jumped the gun but they were SOOOOO excited I couldn't tell them it was a bad idea). They waited two more weeks for the ultrasound and.... when they looked, there's nothing in her uterus or anywhere else. There was no baby, they couldn't find one. They had to RETELL EVERYONE AGAIN that they HAD had a miscarriage.
So now I'm scared to tell ANYONE anything until we see the heartbeat on the first ultrasound.
ALSO... I need to tell my BFF that I'm pregnant. And as a double blow to her, my OTHER best friend and her very good friend is now 8 weeks pregnant, just had her first ultrasound and saw the heart beat. [all three of us are ALSO coworkers and have the same friends]. She has been scared to tell my BFF because she doesn't want to hurt her. Since she put off telling her, now we BOTH have to tell her that we're BOTH pregnant and due within a month of each other, which is what my BFF's dream for our children has always been (BFFs raising BFFs the same age together...).
I know that she's going to be so supportive and happy for me, we've been friends since we were children. But I know inside her heart will be breaking. I got pregnant on my first try, as did my friend. It just doesn't seem fair. My question is, should I tell her about just myself and let my other friend tell her in her seperately [but it will be soon since she's already 9 weeks]... or do what my friend wants to do, which is tell her about both at the same time. I know some of you have had a hard time and understand infertility and how much it hurts, so I'm really looking for some opinions on how the both of us should go about telling her and what we should do. Thanks so much.
Last edited by 11eleven; January 27th, 2011 at 01:24 PM.
I would have rather heard it from just you. If both of you had come to me together it would have been harder for me, not only because you were both pregnant but I would feel like I was already being left out or your "club"
I wouldn't want to be told by both of you at the same time. I would feel like I was being ganged up on, does that make sense?
From someone who suffers from infertility the best way is to just tell her and let her take it in in her own way. If this is just her 2nd round of clomid she could easily be joining you guys in the next month or two (and I hope that is the case) But it will still be difficult for her to hear the news. I am sure she will be excited for you but sad for herself. I know that is how I was and still am.
We have been NTNP for 2 yrs and not a single thing has happened. I know we have timed DTD perfectly several months but it's not happening for us which I am ok with!
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Ive been dealing with infertility too... and just thought I would give my I have a couple of friends who have been trying years longer then I have... and I actually read some where about telling your "infertil" friends... they suggested sending them a letter in the snail mail so that they can go through all of thier own emotions with out worrying about offending you... that way they can cry and scream and then when they are with you be A MILLION percent HAPPY for you!!! this is what Im planning on doing for my friends... but they arnt BFFS either... so... yeah I dont know if it would be better for you to just tell her in person or not... just depends on you and your friend... and FOR SURE DONT tell her with your other friend that is prego... and I wouldnt tell her your other friend is pregnant let her tell her... its kind of in the same boat of "same club" thing... hope that helps and good luck with whatever you decide...
As someone who has been on the loss train for about 9 months, I can say that it would be a bad idea for you and your other friend to do this at the same time. Not only is she dealing with infertility, but she just had a traumatic loss and that will make her even more sensitive than she would have been dealing with "just" infertility. Two friends telling her that they are pregnant, while she just went through a horrible experience is adding salt to the wound.
I second what ^^she said. I think either e-mail or snail mail is a good idea, depending on what your more likely form of communication is. And I would have your other BFF tell her in her own way. That is unrelated to how you should tell her. I think that giving her time to grieve for herself and feel all those negative emotions that are going to come first is a much better way of doing it. She might not react how you want/how she wants if you do it in person and then it might create embarrasment or even resentment. I would just tell her in the email that you wanted to let her digest the information in her own time and you feel badly that you have to tell her this close to her loss. People who have had losses want their losses remembered, so don't pretend like it did not happen, you can mention it.
Chances are she will honestly be happy for you. But she will be sad for herself and that will be the part that she needs to digest herself, without an audience of people wanting a positive reaction. I think you are a great friend for taking her feelings into account and wanting to be sensitive to her situation. It can be so hard to be in both your place and her place. I hope things go well and you all get to have babies together...she can be the third in the line
thank you everyone so much for your feedback. my friend and I are like sisters, we've grown up together, been through a lot of hard times, and even our moms are friends. I'm always very cautious about talking anything baby related with her and go out of my way to be sensitive about it, and never ask her for updates and etc [she hates it .. her MIL is always asking and she's like "if there was news YOU'D KNOW!!"].
I don't think I explained the scenario well enough, my other friend didn't want to come with me at the same time, she wanted me to mention hers when I told my BFF about my pregnancy. Obviously that's a bad idea, and I'll DEFINITELY let her know that she'll have to tell my BFF on her own time, seperately from my news. We're both just really anxious about not upsetting her. I know she will be either way though, i'm actually more anxious about telling her than my family!
I'm not sure about the letter/email though, she HATES when I tell her big news not in person or over the phone. She got REALLY pissed when I texted her that I was engaged! I'll have to think about that option some more.
I definitely keeping my fingers crossed for her, that she's next!
I think you got a lot of good advice and I think it's really great that you are considering her feelings with her struggles to get pregnant and her loss. My DH and I have been trying for quite awhile (and also had a loss) so from my experience...I would rather find out in person and if it was my bff I'd want to know right away. I have a good friend who was nervous about telling me she was pregnant (after not really trying) and I felt bad that she was afraid to tell me!
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