We pride ourselves on having the friendliest
and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment
and register
for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers.
If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.
Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!
In another thread, Robyn had a great comment about the fear of offending others as we respond to each others' posts. (I hope it's ok that I'm using your reply in this thread, Robyn!!). This is it below:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom2J
Thanks! i'm always afraid of offending someone, because my thoughts are we are all moms who adore our children and any choices we make are the ones we think are best for our child. Just because i dont agree doesnt mean that i think you (general you!) are a bad mother. and i'm afraid that my opinions come across as "i'm right, you're wrong!"
I totally agree with this line of thinking. We all have our opinions, which we have every right to, and we should feel free to express them. Anyway, it got me wondering what happened to us women being loving and supportive of each other, in spite of our opinions? When did parenting turn in to such a judgement zone, full of hurtful jabs and condescending remarks? Many years ago, the women in families and communities used to parent WITH each other and help each other raise the children for the good of everybody.
Just this weekend, I was on the receiving end of some criticism about how I choose to feed Noah. Here's what happened: My lil family was over at my mother-in-law's house for a birthday party for my 5 year old nephew (my brother in law and his wife & kids live with his parents). We got into a discussion about how I'm dealing with mastitis (and breastfeeding, in general) and my sister-in-law, among other judgemental gems throws this one out: "I've always heard that breastfed kids are more chillon." (This is a term in Spanish which is pronounced, chi-own and means clingy and whiney). She chose to formula feed her kids, which was her decision as she is their mother. I have no place judging her and her choices, as I'm sure she did what was best for her and her kids at the time.
But I got so upset!! I didn't say anything, but I wanted to ask her why she felt the need to say something so negative and unsupportive of my choices as a mother. The real tragic irony here is that her kiddos are far more chillon than are mine, and I KNOW it has absolutely nothing to do with what any of them were or are fed.
What happened to the supportive sisterhood of mommies?? Has anyone else noticed this sad decline in woman-to-woman support?
Im sorry she did that, what an awful thing to deal with. I feel pretty fortunate in having a few friends who also just had babies in the last few months. We get together and share triumphs and tribulations, and share what works for us if they, or i, ask advice on something:-)
But i understand what you are saying, i have gotten remarks from some of my "friends" who do not have children about how im spoiling her because i hold her "too" much....
well, I'm hardly ever around any other women other than at work, so I really have (other than my sis and a friend occasionally and you wonderful ladies here on jm) very little womanly support.
I did want to say sorry you had to deal with that tho. I would have probably said something to her. Maybe nicely telling her that it is your decision how you feed your child and if she doesnt have anything nice to say.... shut the h*ll up!!!
I'm glad and encouraged to know that there are still some supportive people out there.
I also have some supportive in my life, but it seems like more and more people have become kind of mean and single-minded. I think that this world is a more beautiful place when we have people who are different and do things differently. It reminds me of a Dr. Seuss book I used to read my classes called "Hooray for Diffendoofer Day!".
aw, i'm so glad you liked my comment.
In my experience and my opinion, women who are snarky and "know-it-all" about parenting choices are usually the ones who are insecure in their own choices. Your sister in law might feel guilty that she didnt breastfeed her baby and makes those comments to make her feel better about her own choice.
I've come across a few moms who are very comfortable about their choices, even if they wouldnt be the "popular" choice, but they researched and made the decision based on their familys specific needs and have nothing but positivity and support to offer. But i have also come across some who made the "popular" choice, because it was the expected thing to do, and regretted it, and i found them to be so negative and insecure.
Just reassure yourself with that thought, that these people are putting you down because they arent confident in their own parenting and are trying to bring you down with them. Dont let them. You love your child and YOU know whats best for them. Noone else. Any choice you make is the best one for YOUR child.
I don't think that her comment was meant to be judgemental. (Though I am only seeing it typed, and did not hear the tone in which she said it.) Just based on the words though it seems to me that she was just sharing something that she had heard. I think that sometimes we are so used to being judged on our parenting that we take all comments as criticism. (Again, I do not know her or her tone so I could be way off.)
I agree with Robyn, everyone has to make the parenting decisions that are right for them and work for their situation.
aw, i'm so glad you liked my comment.
In my experience and my opinion, women who are snarky and "know-it-all" about parenting choices are usually the ones who are insecure in their own choices. Your sister in law might feel guilty that she didnt breastfeed her baby and makes those comments to make her feel better about her own choice.
I've come across a few moms who are very comfortable about their choices, even if they wouldnt be the "popular" choice, but they researched and made the decision based on their familys specific needs and have nothing but positivity and support to offer. But i have also come across some who made the "popular" choice, because it was the expected thing to do, and regretted it, and i found them to be so negative and insecure.
Just reassure yourself with that thought, that these people are putting you down because they arent confident in their own parenting and are trying to bring you down with them. Dont let them. You love your child and YOU know whats best for them. Noone else. Any choice you make is the best one for YOUR child.
Good post! I think the most important thing as a mom is to be comfortable in your own choices and be confident in them as well. We aren't all going to agree all the time
I am used to it, and it doesn't really bother me. I make some very different choices than many women/mothers (homebirth, no vaccinations, homeschooling, etc) and get flack for it. It bothers me at times that people can be so unsupportive, but hey, life is too short to let them pull me down.
I hate that the decision of what to feed your child has to be such a big issue with people....the baby is getting fed, that's not an issue...if the baby was not getting fed that indeed would be an issue! There's a ton of different reasons why women choose to BF or FF and as it has been mentioned, that decision is based on what's best for them and their family...there is no right or wrong and we should not be criticized for that decision. Most people do not know you or know what goes on in your home life...yet even for those who do, it's still not grounds to criticize how/what you feed your baby. I think this society has become all about comparison and judgement and it's seeping into places it shouldn't be....like motherhood and parenting style.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jojow
I make some very different choices than many women/mothers (homebirth, no vaccinations, homeschooling, etc) and get flack for it.
It bothers me that you get flack for that, just because your choices might not be what the majority of people do, it doesn't mean its wrong
