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  #1  
April 4th, 2005, 12:05 PM
writinghoosier's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I was thinking that the pregnancy jokes posted last week seemed to be a nice and thought it would be nice to set up a place where we can get the giggles when ever we want... I was even thinking of requesting a sticky, so it will be here as long as we are... thoughts?
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(Yes, I know I need a new signature!)

Thanks for the link, ~Cupcake~!
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  #2  
April 4th, 2005, 12:46 PM
little_hunnyb's Avatar Super Mommy
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Sounds like a good idea to me Sarah...I know with the headaches and feeling like a truck has run over me some days I sure could use a smile or laugh...
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~*Missy*~
Wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend
Step-mom to Selene 12 years old
Mom to Sirus 3 years old
Soon to be mom ???
I am hoping for a girl!
6 weeks & 3 days pregnant
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  #3  
April 4th, 2005, 12:59 PM
Maddy'sMom's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Madison, Wisconsin
Posts: 109
Okay...here is my favorite joke of ALL times!

Why doesnt Barbie ever get pregnant?


Got it?


Do you know the answer?


Come on, think harder girls!


Insert Jeopardy theme music here......


Okay, the answer is (drum roll):



Because Ken always "comes" in a different box.


(Applause and laughter)

hehe
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  #4  
April 4th, 2005, 01:06 PM
writinghoosier's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Very funny! I've already requested the sticky for this, and I would suggest that we use it much like we do the ultrasound and belly pic stickies... if we all tell each other how incredibly funny we are, the thread may get hard to navigate. With that said, post as many as you want, whenever you want!
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Thanks for the link, ~Cupcake~!
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  #5  
April 5th, 2005, 07:42 AM
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Posts: 3,627
Here's one for you english majors out there....


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thoughtslpeling was ipmorantt

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  #6  
April 5th, 2005, 12:14 PM
Brandy81
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Okay I come across alot of jokes here is a good one!!!

Top ways the world would change if men could get pregnant
---------------------------------------------------------

Childbearing would become a professional sport, with the
requisite sponsors, t.v. coverage, color commentators, betting
and player endorsements. (Michael Jordan plugging breast pumps)

Obstretricians and attending medical personnel would have to
wear face masks, hard hats and full body armor during deliveries.

Hospitals would have to spend significant dollars on upgrading
soundproofing in their labour and delivery rooms.

Men would spend even more time bragging about the size of their
hemorroids than they do about the size of their penis.

Stretch marks would be given a "real-men" name like "battle scars".

Instead of lying about sexual conquests, men would lie about
their stoic deliveries...("Hey man it was the first push at 10...
the stirrups were up and I was bearing down on goal...)

Maternity leave would last two years ... with full pay

There would be a cure for stretch marks

Natural childbirth would become obsolete

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained

Men would be eager to talk about commitment

They wouldn't think twins were so cute

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags

Patenity suits would be a fashion line of clothes

They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees

They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."

There would be no such thing as a "second child".

Women would rule the world.
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  #7  
April 5th, 2005, 06:28 PM
Tami77's Avatar Super Mommy
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My mother told me this joke years ago................

mandy and steve are about to have a beautiful baby,
steve rushes them to the hospital, in the delivery room the doc informs them of
a new procedure than will lessen some of the pain for the mother by transfering it to the father. mandy loved the idea of sharing some of the pain with her husband and steve didnt want his loving wife to go thru too much pain, so the doctors proceded with the procedure, after a few minutes steve admitted that he wasnt feeling anything, and mandy was still in great pain . so the doctor turned up the power, a few minutes later mandy was feeling a little better but steve still wasnt feeling anything, he began to think that this whole pain during delivery was all in womens heads so he asked the doctor to turn it up all the way.
mandy had a perfectly pain free delivery after that and steve still held his suspisions. until on there way to the front door of there home with there new beautiful baby they passed the gardner dead in the bushs. he died due to the pain transfed to the father of the baby during delivery.
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  #8  
April 13th, 2005, 05:35 AM
~Cupcake~'s Avatar ChristaT
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Location: Upstairs, Ontario
Posts: 14,294
This was emailed to me forever ago but it always makes me laugh!

Alcohol warnings

>>Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

>>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tink you can tipe real gode
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  #9  
April 13th, 2005, 05:45 AM
Shalini's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Here's an email that I recvd ...

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you
leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or thechanging of the tides. Let it
be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all
comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secreat girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell ushow you want it done. Not
both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also afruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
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  #10  
April 13th, 2005, 09:29 AM
~Cupcake~'s Avatar ChristaT
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Location: Upstairs, Ontario
Posts: 14,294
Too funny! LOL
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  #11  
April 13th, 2005, 10:11 AM
Frelle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Got this one in an email today. Not really offensive, but it's sort of a man put-down.

THE MOMMY TEST
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," ....I was thinking quickly,"All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom.
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  #12  
April 13th, 2005, 11:36 AM
Shalini's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,899
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She
immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man about (20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling, and had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"... I just lost it."

CASE DISMISSED


I borrowed this from another board..It was funny so I thought I would pass it along to you all.
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  #13  
April 28th, 2005, 10:56 AM
Shalini's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: New York, NY
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Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other,
"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well,I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib
and
find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib,
then
quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he
resurfaced with a big grin on his face.

"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. "You're
ever
so clever,"cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"



"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks
and
I've got blue ones."


SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???????
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  #14  
April 28th, 2005, 11:09 AM
~Cupcake~'s Avatar ChristaT
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Upstairs, Ontario
Posts: 14,294
That last one really had me laughing! Thanks Shalini!
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  #15  
May 4th, 2005, 12:56 PM
Cherish's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Pregnancy Q and A

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-"

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cat's facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Baby on the Way

For weeks, a 6-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.

The 6-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment.

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever became of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kinda Mean:

Cute Baby
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."

Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."

"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really good-looking."

"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.

"He looks just like you."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grandma Jones
Grandma Jones took her two grandchildren to the Zoo. They enjoyed the afternoon, wandering throughout the park and admiring the different types of animals. When they came upon the cage of storks, Grandma told the youngsters that these were the birds that brought both of them to their mom and dad.

The children glanced at one another...then the oldest leaned over and whispered to the other, "Don't you think we ought to tell Grandma the truth?"
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  #16  
May 12th, 2005, 06:53 AM
Cherish's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Lakeland, FL
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Why Men Are Just Happier People -

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood-all the time.



Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If
someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier!


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  #17  
May 12th, 2005, 08:43 AM
Shalini's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,899
"Diary Of A Successful New Bride/Cook"

Dear Diary,

Monday;
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new
home, it's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel
food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately."
Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to
borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake
turned out fine.

Tuesday;
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said,
"Serve without dressing." So, I didn't dress. But, Bill
happened to bring a friend home for supper that night.
Did they ever look startled when I served the salad!

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said,
"Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So, I
heated some water and took a bath before steaming
the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week.
I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the
garden by my Mom's. So I tossed my salad into the
bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the
dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I
felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put
all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right
over to my Mom's house! There must have been
something wrong with the recipe, because when I
came back home again it looked the same as when
I left it.

Saturday
Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't
know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed
back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some
little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When
Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday:
Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger.
So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast.
There must be a problem with the oven, because
it still came out a hamburger.

Monday:
I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "Mix
well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until

double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to
double in bulk!

Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week.
I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new
recipe on Bill.
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  #18  
May 18th, 2005, 11:34 AM
Shalini's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,899
How to know if you are ready to have kids:

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the cough, and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitue roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream beacuse this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Using a large plastic milk jug filled halfway w/ water, suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begain to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a tiolet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and piece of foil. Lastly, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBLE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in hte glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mons. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now, proceed to the nearest food store. Got to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited into their account. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

I found some of these funny! just too close to the truth! lol.
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  #19  
May 18th, 2005, 11:47 AM
~Cupcake~'s Avatar ChristaT
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Upstairs, Ontario
Posts: 14,294
TOO FUNNY! LOL
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  #20  
May 24th, 2005, 01:44 PM
Cherish's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hehehehe...

"Home Remedies"

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to
use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally

Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might
need them to empty your bedpan.
__________________


<blockquote>Stephie1012 threw 1 snowball at me! </blockquote>
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