[baronfamily2006]

Do you ever get jealous of silly things with your DH/SO? My DH started running this spring and has done 2 5Ks and did them both in like 30 minutes. Lately his training has put him at 26 minutes. He's also been doing a ton of weight lifting and is getting some amazing muscles. He's turning himself into a hunk! I'm so stinking proud of him. But the thing that bothers me is that he has been doing a lot of the running with a girl we work with. (We both work at the fitness center.) He sometimes works out with her, too. She is married, too. She's really a cool girl and I consider her a friend. I totally trust her. I totally trust DH, too. But I'm really getting jealous. And I feel left out. He used to come home on his breaks during work because we only live 2 miles away. I would have dinner fixed so that we could actually all sit and eat together. It's been months since he has come home during his break. I was frustrated at first but got over it. Now, since he started training for the 5Ks in addition to weight lifting, he runs 2 or 3 times a week in the morning. Then he works out during his breaks in the evening. So not only is he not coming home to spend time with us in the evenings for dinner, he is leaving in the morning, too. And I got super mad at him the other day because he had said he was just going to run, which only takes him half an hour. So I figured he would be back home within an hour, allowing time for him to cool off and stuff. Nope. He had decided to play basketball with the girl. So he ended up being gone for 2 hours. Not to mention he sometimes texts her when he's at home. I've read them and don't really care. They're nothing but friends. Now tomorrow DH, the girl, and a few other people from our work are going to a 5K color run that is over 2 hours away. Our work has paid for their entry fees and all that, so I know that's where they are really going. I was going to go with them because I just didn't feel right letting him go that far away without me, but the girl's husband is going as well as an older lady we work with who I know would tell me if something was up. But I don't want to drag the kids out on a trip that far away to stand in the heat, just for a 5K run. I've found myself getting upset when he talks about it. He's so excited for it and I'm having trouble being excited, too.

I guess my point is... I totally trust DH and this girl and have no problem with them being friends. But I am starting to feel uneasy and jealous of the time they spend together when DH and I have so little time together as it is. When I go back to work next week, we will literally see each other for 15 minutes Monday-Friday. It's a really, really rough schedule for us but it allows us to not have to put our kids into daycare. I wish DH could understand this and I've tried to talk to him about it. There was a day a couple weeks ago that I was SUPER upset about something with my dad and I seriously needed to just cry on DH's shoulder. He was at work though and when I asked him if he minded if I just came to hang out, he acted like he didn't want to. I just wanted to sit and talk with him. He didn't want to do nothing on his break. He wanted to either work out with me or walk outside with me. It was too hot to be outside and I was in no mood to work out. I simply wanted to just sit and talk and be with him. He couldn't give up one stinking day of working out to be there for me. I was so hurt that night. And he just couldn't understand why I was upset when I later tried to talk to him about it.

So... Jealous and hurt and he doesn't understand. I'm excited for his new body and that he has found a hobby that he really loves. But he's making me feel left out. And I trust the girl he runs with, but I think that trust is starting to fade away a bit...

PS
He's asked me tons to work out with him. But I'm not interested. I will eventually get back into the groove of working out, but I'm just not ready right now. *sigh*

Girl you come from a completely different state of mind than I do because just reading this post made me anxious.

My advice wouldn't work for you at all, but if it were me there would be no outside relationships with females. It's one thing for you to love and trust her as your friend but the line gets drawn when she starts spending alone time with your husband.

Take away sex, infidelity and all the what ifs and what you're left with (jealousy, doubt, lonliness, loss) is still unacceptable and SO dangerous in a marriage. Even if their relationship is completely innocent, it's ten kinds of inappropriate. I am so sorry. I hope you and DH can come to an understanding that works for BOTH of you and not just him.

((And I have to add that just because you aren't working out with him that it SO DOES NOT give him a pass. Don't even fool yourself girl. You're feeling bad for a reason.))

[Shadeauxe]

I agree with Katie. Reading that set off all sorts of alarms in my head.

I am not an excitable person and I am not prone to making crazy accusations. You at be right and it may be innocent but it's too intimate and it could easily progress into something else.

All of the telltale signs are there.

[bethysfirst1]

Ditto above! I would be upset if my husband was spending all this time with a male friend, but id be even more upset about a female, especially since I still feel very insecure with my body. I hope he starts putting family first!

[mamabear4]

Katie said it best. I just found out 2 monnths ago that a girl that "we" (me and my ex) were "friends"with exactly slept with him. And ive hung out with this girl, we were cool, i trusted her. Of course meand him have been over for 6 yrs but we have 2 kids together and she had just been at my house 2 days before i found this out smiling in my face. You need to address him immediately about how you feel. Just because she's married doesnt mean anything, you never know whats going on in her relationship. Im sorry you feel so left out and lonely.

[shanirah]

I agree with the others, it is inappropriate and if he doesn't get that, then she should if the relationship is as inncocent as you say. He needs to put his family first, even beyond his new hobby.

[queenofthecastle]

I agree with Katie. There is a reason why your feeling the way you are.

[TnPhotoMama81]

Ditto the other ladies. I'd feel the same way as you I am sorry.

[melkissa2004]

I also agree. I am so sorry. Hugs!

[ub33422]

Originally Posted by shanirah

He needs to put his family first, even beyond his new hobby.

^^ this....

With DH, before we married I laid down the rules... (okay 1 rule)... and that still holds, he screws up I'm out. I did fine before I met him, I'll do fine without him.

I suggest sit your DH down and have it all laid out. Work through it I'm sure you guys will come out just fine....... the more these thoughts fester, the worse you're going to feel - maybe a good old screamfest is all you need

[baronfamily2006]

So I talked to DH on Tuesday night. He wasn't really upset, but thought I was crazy. He certainly wasn't "happy" about it. Just said "Well, if that's what you want." Then he asked how much I wanted him to cut back, as in could he still run with the girl once a week or not at all. I was really frustrated but just told him to do whatever he thought was best, but that I really wished he would just cut it off altogether. I am pretty sure they are still going to run once a week. If everything is as innocent as he claims it is (and as I currently believe... I hope...) I can understand why he wants to run with her. He explained that she helps him keep going and he does the same for her. Heck, they're running up to 3 miles each time, so I understand you need someone to help push you through. DH said that if he had someone else to run with, he would ask them. But no one else he really knows is able to run that much. I tried to explain that it's not just the running, it's also the texting and working out together that I hate. Ugh. He denies working out very much with her. He says it's only been once or twice. Whatever.

So I figured I would meet him in the middle and try to chill out and see how I feel for him to cut back but still run just a little bit with her.

He talked to her last night at work. She thought it was funny. So I'm guessing they probably sat there making fun of me for being jealous. I suppose if they are completely innocent then there is nothing for them to be ashamed of, I could see it as somewhat humorus. But then she texted DH last night after she got home and had told her husband about me making them cut back. Obviously her DH isn't worried about them at all. Her text said exactly this: "... one upped Tara. I can only run 1 mile a week with you... in a nun dress and a chastity belt. lol!!!"

So if her husband wants to make fun of me, fine. That's between them. But for her to text that to my DH, I felt really laughed at. His reply was something like that's hilarious or whatever. He came home and told me about that text, thinking I would laugh, too. I didn't. I am seriously upset because I find nothing funny about this. At all. Now DH is mad at me because I was hurt by that comment. So now it's my fault. So the short story is: He can run and spend more time with a girl from work than he does his own wife. When she brings it up and reveals how vulnerable she feels about the situation, make fun of her for it. Nice. Very funny. Not.

I really just want to cry right now.

[queenofthecastle]

I'm sorry but if he can't see how him working out with her throws up big red flags, then he is an insensitive jerkface!!! He should want to stop if he knows that it's bothering you so much and the fact that he's not leads me to believe that there is more to the story than "were just workout buddies". I'm sorry that your going through this!! I hope he realizes how he's hurting you and he decides to cut all ties with her!!

[Clutch]

I'm so sorry this is happening ...

It's inappropriate to spend that much time alone with someone else's spouse. Period. He's either pretending to not understand this incredibly basic social norm, or he was raised by jungle animals and never learned anything about human society.

As soon as you mentioned how you felt, he should have been horrified and dropped everything immediately. Instead, he's manipulating the situation to draw attention away from him, and making you out to be the bad guy. The unreasonable one.

If he really loved you, he would protect you. He would do whatever he needs to do to make you feel safe and loved. He wouldn't expose you and make you a laughingstock to his "friend".

It seems to me that he's being very abusive. Abuse doesn't have to be violent. Social sabotage and manipulation are tools of emotional abuse and are just as damaging as fists and baseball bats.

You are justified in feeling angry or hurt. Don't let him make you feel "silly". He's being an a$$hole.

[Jessido]

OK I'm got so anxious read this whole thing. I think you have a right to be mad, pissed, and throwing fits. Hell would be raised in my house if some b**** tried to make a joke out of me protecting my family and not being cool with my husband running wild with some chick. I'm sorry to use that language if she's a friend but I really do not think she is a friend to you. I know from experience (not my current relationship) that when something like this happens and a girl thinks its "funny", what she means is "your wife is crazy and uptight but I'm laid-back and chill teehee".

I think your husband should have just told her "I need to spend more time with my family so I'm going to work out at home now" not ANYTHING about you being jealous. Since he told her about your jealousy, her reaction was completely b**chy and inappropriate. A true friend would say "Oh my goodness, my friend and his wife are having marital problems because of me, by all means I'll find a new workout buddy!"

But she didn't. Instead she tried to make your husband feel like you're being ridiculous and planted the seed for your husband to think you're a control freak witch (you're not!) and she still pressured him into running with her once during the week (very suspicious).

This is my take on it (feel free to dismiss it). They're both married, your husband has a new baby and lots of stress. Maybe this friendship takes them back to before marriage and babies but if it were me, the entire friendship would be over after she started mocking your very valid concerns. If I were you I'd ask him what his friendship with her means. Is it worth his wife feeling left out and mocked? Is it worth a potential mistake that could tear you apart? Is it worth losing time with his new baby? Does he think she has your husbands best interests at heart?

But right now, I would NOT attack him. He is still being open with you, showing you the texts and being honest about where he is going/whats going on. The last thing you want is him to be secretive. This other woman has basically set it up for you to lash out and send your husband over to her so she can be the "cool" one. He is YOUR husband, he loves YOU. Let him realize that you, the mother of his kids is really bothered by this and if he is worth a ****, he will end his friendship with this chick ASAP.

I feel for you girl, this is tough. I'm sorry you're dealing with it.

[bethysfirst1]

Originally Posted by Jessido

I think your husband should have just told her "I need to spend more time with my family so I'm going to work out at home now" not ANYTHING about you being jealous. Since he told her about your jealousy, her reaction was completely b**chy and inappropriate.

I agree! I even (I hope you don't mind) read this to my DH. He thought there is probably nothing going on, but he agrees that if you feel upset by it in any way then your husband should stop.

Why did he have to tell her about your feelings? He should have just stopped running! He just opened to flood gates for her making fun of you. That was a private convo between you two- not to be shared. He could have easily just said, "oh, I can't run. I'm busy this week," or said nothing at all! Men can be so dumb!

[ipsa]

I know with my husband, if he thinks my feelings are in any way "illogical" he won't try as hard to stop the behavior (this makes him sound like a bad guy, he isn't.)

Essentially, if he thinks I am being unreasonable, he won't drop what he's doing immediately. In his head he will be giving me time to "come to my senses." He figures that I will realize I'm being foolish and come around to his way of thinking.

The other girls have said that he should have immediately dropped what he was doing once you said it made you upset. But he didn't. It may be that there isn't anything at all going on with him, and he thinks you are being illogical in your jealousy so he kept doing it because he likes it, and he thinks you will come around if you have enough time to think it over.

I'm in no way saying your feelings are illogical, just trying to possibly explain the guy's actions without turning him into a villain or abuser. We don't know him or your whole situation so it's not fair to judge either of you that way.

I've been there, working completely opposite schedules from my husband, seeing each other less than an hour a day so we don't have to pay for daycare. It sucks. Take the other woman out of it completely and it still sucks. Your partner in life, your best friend, isn't there for you when you need him, and in all honesty, he probably feels the same. It's your schedules that keep you apart physically so you distance emotionally too.

I'd say sit him down again. Tell him you appreciate his compromise and you know that your feelings are silly because you trust him but you miss your husband. You miss the "US" that you used to have. Tell him that you want more time together. And you may need to agree to work out with him some. Compromise is a two way street.

I'm sorry you are in this position. I hope it all works out for you.

[mamabear4]

You are pretty laid back with this because me personally would've addressed this ***** asap! I would've called her on your husbands phone soon as I saw the text to let her know I know what she is texting and tell her how I felt. As for him I would've told him about his self too. You two have a child and FAMILY ALWAYS COMES 1ST!!

[Jessido]

Originally Posted by mamabear4

You are pretty laid back with this because me personally would've addressed this ***** asap! I would've called her on your husbands phone soon as I saw the text to let her know I know what she is texting and tell her how I felt. As for him I would've told him about his self too. You two have a child and FAMILY ALWAYS COMES 1ST!!

LOL My a** would have caused some drama and made a fool out of myself but I would have called her and turned into a real bi*** myself too. It's out of line for her to think its her place to laugh at you with your own husband.

When I first started dating my DH, his ex girlfriend would text him "I know you're dating Jessica, but dont forget about your friends <3 <3". I called up on his phone right then and there and told her to stop texting hearts to my boyfriend and mind her own **** business about his friends. A few months later she facebooked him after he unfriended her (sounds so childish lol) and we went back and forth some more. But I get very VERY crazy when I feel someone is trying to intrude on my family or my man. In my opinion, it takes balls to try and do that and if you're going to try, you deserve whatever happens. It's the only time where I feel it is OK to get a little bit crazy/trashy.

[adi&co.]

if she's joking like that with him, there's probably a lot more going on than you hope. i've been in this situation and that's all I'm going to say about that, but trust your instincts. I should have! cut it off NOW. I'm not even kidding. don't let yourself get talked into it being "totally innocent". it's inappropriate. if he's pushing to still hang out with her, than that's a HUGE huge huge red flag. Message me if you need to talk. I know EXACTLY what you're going through!

[melkissa2004]

I totally agree, again. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this crap.