Log In Sign Up

How having a baby changes your marriage


Forum: May 2012 Playroom

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To May 2012 Playroom LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
January 5th, 2012, 11:59 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,492
In light of the other thread about things they didn't tell you, I thought it would be really cool to have btdt moms shed some light on how things change in a marriage once you have your first child. Because boy do they change! Not in a bad way necessarily, but becoming parents is HUGE! As a woman, I know I have changed so much. Just the mere fact that your heart opens up to love a little being in ways you couldn't possibly imagine before children is a huge change, and is so amazing

Ok, good or bad, spill!

A few form me:

- Kids will put a crimp on your sex life, but that doesn't mean they have to kill it!

- Sex for us was even better after having a child.

- The husband will have to adjust a lot! Hopefully most men are already aware of this now, and preparing themselves accordingly They will no longer be the main person in your life, but if you have a great guy it isn't a problem because he too will have a new main person in his life - his child! It is still an adjustment for them though, and it's good to remember that they don't have the same mommy bond as we have. So allow them to build their own bond with the child ... while you get some sleep! lol

- You will be sleep deprived, you will argue, you will argue in front of the baby at least once (more like a lot!), and then you will feel like crap for arguing in front of your child. Or this could have just been my experience
Reply With Quote
  #2  
January 5th, 2012, 12:07 PM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 14,236
We grew stronger as a couple after Jackson was born. I loved him so much before Jackson but once Jackson was born it seemed that my love grew even stronger for him. I mean we made this beautiful wonderful child together out of our love, so it seemed to strengthen our relationship.

We don't have sex as often now that we are parents but when we do it is really good!!

He still can't seem to comprehend that I can't do it all though. he seems to think that I'll be able to breastfeed the new baby, take care of jackson, cook dinner every night and still work full time, so we are working on that..lol.
__________________

Thank you *Kiliki* for my beautiful siggy
Reply With Quote
  #3  
January 5th, 2012, 12:21 PM
muffin300's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,455
there is nothing in the world sexier than seeing your man be a good father. when he plays with DS or is simply hanging out with him, I just fall in love with him all over again.
I have put DH through a lot since having DS like post pardum anxiety. .didn't even know that existed I had only heard of depression.
and putting a ton of pressure on him to be the perfect dad. just because being a mom seemed to fall into place so easily for me i just thought being a dad should kick in over night also.

I hope to do a better job of giving him a chance this time around. he has definitely proven himself. and I see now I can fail lol.
you just take it one day at a time. and be sure to take time with each other.
__________________




Reply With Quote
  #4  
January 5th, 2012, 01:35 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Bay Area CA
Posts: 19,074
I agree that having kids has made our relationship even stronger and deeper. It's amazing to look at your children and know that you created them together.

I had a hard time letting DH help a lot with Lily. I felt that I could just do everything better, and even though I could/can, it's important to give your partner that chance to help as well. With Vi, I was much better about letting him help, etc.

Sex is even better for us, and we still DTD 3-4x a week or more. After both girls were born, I did lose my sex drive for a few months, but I still tried to initiate it often as I've found it helps keep us connected well.

Try to spend some alone time together every day, even if it's just a few minutes. I know I get caught up in being the perfect mother and sometimes DH feels left out. Taking time for us, even if it's just a little cuddling after the girls go to sleep, really helps us and after the kids are gone, we still need to have a strong relationship.

DH often thinks that being a SAHM means I watch soap operas all day and eat bon bons Yet, he can't handle a day alone with the girls...so I know that he knows it is a hard job. I think it's important to take some time for yourself (whether you're a SAHM or a working one) when you can. I don't get a lot of time to myself and it's something we're working on. He doesn't always realize that I don't get a break and that I'm on 24/7. I don't get a lunch break or anything like that. Even though he works full time, he still gets a lunch hour and some other breaks, plus time to shower alone at home, etc. But I don't get the same thing and I think it's hard sometimes to get him to understand that while I love being a SAHM, I also need time to just be me by myself sometimes.
__________________

Reply With Quote
  #5  
January 5th, 2012, 01:50 PM
Jennmarie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 5,376
Having so far experienced it go both ways, my 2 cents is that having a baby brings out what is already present in your marriage to a new level. This can, and should, mean that the love, connection, support and friendship between you multiplies with your love for your new baby. That is the amazing, fun great part about parenting together, and being a family.

But also; if there are underlying issues with communication, finances, trust, whatever-a baby will bring those out and up faster and harder. So when you throw in that stress of being sleep deprived, hormonal, scared about being a good parent, etc onto the both of you, it can bring out issues you haven't thought about working through. It can catch you by surprise, and you can quickly find yourself just focusing on the baby because its easier and generally more rewarding; and neglect your relationship.

I've had experiences in both sides of this and we've made it through and are stronger than ever. We def. do the deed less often, but it seems to be more fun when we do; like we are sneaking away and getting away with something when we do get the chance.

And DEF encourage or make him let you have time for you, frequently!! (For me, I need 30 minutes to an hour on a pretty much daily basis to recoup and I'm good.) For one thing, newborns require a LOT from mom; and dad needs the chance to learn how to care for his baby and time to bond. He may be reluctant to do that; but you sometimes just have to say here is the baby; I'm taking a shower (going grocery shopping, napping, reading a book, whatever it is you want to do). I will take over the baby when I get out/get done, but until I come out, the baby is yours and yours alone. And do NOT let yourself feel guilty! Your wee one needs the best of you; and you need your strength and stability to give them that.
__________________










Reply With Quote
  #6  
January 5th, 2012, 02:00 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,492
I agree, there is nothing like seeing your husband as a father. We gained a deeper love and trust. It does seem children can either make you or break you, because as Jennmarie pointed out, it intensifies what is already there in your marriage. that's a good way to put it!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
January 5th, 2012, 02:02 PM
Kristin
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 556
Thanks ladies! Keep posting
Reply With Quote
  #8  
January 5th, 2012, 02:53 PM
disneydiva76's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: California
Posts: 2,750
Send a message via MSN to disneydiva76
I agree with the love being deeper. But that might not be right off the bat.

You go through a huge transition getting used to lack of sleep, getting thrown up on all the time and smelling like barf or poop on a daily basis. Alot of hubby's work so he might have a harder time with lack of sleep bc he has to get up early and all of that.
You can't just get up and go anywhere you want any time you please anymore.
You have to plan and pack just to go anywhere with baby.

Ladies with better sex life... I'm jealous. Our sex life took a dump after baby. We can go anywhere to 3 times a month.... To once a month. It's now our #1 fight.
But he is super dad. His daughter comes first, which she should, but no time is made for me unless I plan it and that's pretty rare. My hubby from day 1 got up with baby @ night, fed her and sat in the glider rocking her back to sleep. Then gets up @ 5:30 to go to work. He still gets up til this day if she cries.
But he chose to do that. His reasoning was that he works all day. So he misses out on that time. So he validates what he does by it being "their" time.
So I'm super lucky in that dept.

The first 6 months were hardest for us. Just transition and getting used to things. Lack of sleep and grumpy snapping crabby people. It didnt help that baby projEctope vomited everyfeeding and never gave us newborn sleep.
__________________

}
Reply With Quote
  #9  
January 5th, 2012, 02:54 PM
KaiyaRae'sMomma's Avatar Forever missing Kaiya Rae
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,840
You and DH might start calling each other Mommy and Daddy, instead of by your names. i.e. "Daddy can you bring me a glass of water please?"
__________________



Thank you Alethia for my siggy!


Read my blog: www.grievingmomma.wordpress.com
Reply With Quote
  #10  
January 5th, 2012, 03:04 PM
*Jillian*'s Avatar Baby #3 on the way
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 11,298
We had so many years alone that it really did take awhile to learn the new family dynamic. But once we got the hang of being a family and not just a twosome, we grew into a deeper relationship than ever before. I think my husband took a little longer to adjust because I was so focused on being supermom. I rarely ask for help and I devote SO much to being a mother that it didn't leave a lot of room for husband time...and I resented if he ever acted negative about it. But I will say that sex is better since a baby and he and I have a mutual love for one another that felt brand new for a long time. Still feels really great to see DH enjoy fatherhood and be good at it. I had to learn to relinquish some of my control. Sometimes that's hard for me.

It isn't something that wasn't without challenges. We have an almost 18 year relationship so we've definitely battled with ups and downs. I can't paint it as a constant fairy tale, but the good outweighed the bad and I think we are better people as parents.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KaiyaRae'sMomma View Post
You and DH might start calling each other Mommy and Daddy, instead of by your names. i.e. "Daddy can you bring me a glass of water please?"
DH calls me "Mama" 95% of the time. Doesn't matter if the kid is around or not. But it's sweet. The other times I am called "babe" so I never get called my my real name!!
__________________

















Reply With Quote
  #11  
January 5th, 2012, 03:24 PM
imdawn's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Southwest Missouri
Posts: 669
Deb, don't worry. You aren't the only one fighting about sex. Sex has been a battle for us since DS was born. My sex drive went down the tubes and I have a very hard time just going at it anyway. And DH is great in bed!

I think the other thing that became a problem, is I started playing tit for tat. It seems like I am always keeping score and DH is always behind. So that is something I am constantly working at being better about.

But mostly, parenthood has made our marriage stronger and better. We were only married a year when DS was born. Together for two years before we got married. So we have really grown together as a family and couple. DH is an amazing father and incredible husband and I am so thankful for him.
__________________
Dawn
Mommy to Jake (2009) and Jax (2012)

Reply With Quote
  #12  
January 5th, 2012, 04:00 PM
KaiyaRae'sMomma's Avatar Forever missing Kaiya Rae
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,840
Oh we have sex issues here. Since getting pregnant with Kaiya in 2009 I'm never in the mood. Only when we were TTC this little one, because the prospect of getting pregnant made me want to. Pregnancy killed my sex drive. Breast feeding gave me a boob complex, I used to enjoy DH messing with them for foreplay or during the act...now he's not allowed near them...ever! Anyone else get boob issues?!?!
__________________



Thank you Alethia for my siggy!


Read my blog: www.grievingmomma.wordpress.com
Reply With Quote
  #13  
January 5th, 2012, 04:04 PM
*Jillian*'s Avatar Baby #3 on the way
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 11,298
My boobs are off limits while nursing. Just doesn't feel the same. Once baby has weaned it's game on. lol

I wore a bra during sex ...I leaked too bad not to.
__________________

















Reply With Quote
  #14  
January 5th, 2012, 04:09 PM
alilangel7's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 6,535
I agree that having a baby will bring out whatever is already in your relationship. I definitely saw lots more flaws with my husband (and him with me!) Being tired and stressed and unsure about what to do with the new baby is HARD. BUT, it is amazing to see your husband become a daddy. It is amazing to see how much love for this little child you both created he has.

Our sex life definitely went down, but we both seemed OK about that. We knew our priorities have changed and taking care of this baby was most important. The sex life did get better, but still nowhere to where it was before.

And I also agree, let your hubby or SO do things. It may not always be right or the way you do it, but as long as he isn't harming the baby, nothing will happen. I promise. I criticized him way too much and it made him stop wanting to do anything. I needed his help, so I had to let go. And my baby is 3 1/2 and perfect! So even though he dressed her oddly or even put her diaper on backward, she survived.
__________________

Thank you .h00dihoo.this. for my beautiful siggy!


Reply With Quote
  #15  
January 5th, 2012, 04:11 PM
Raven_Haired_Mama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,245
I came into our relationship with a son already. But once we had the second baby things did change. I put all my energy into being a mommy and did neglect DH some. I got so wrapped up in it I lost my identity for several years. I think that happens easier if like me you are a SAHM and are not out going to work. The last few years I made a lot of mommy friends and started actually having some me time out of the house which I didn't do for years. I hope this time that I can be a bit different and not become consumed with just being mommy. I get to where I never want to leave the baby with anyone and this time I need to get out some.
__________________

Thanks PrincessMom08 for my wonderful siggy!
Reply With Quote
  #16  
January 5th, 2012, 04:14 PM
muffin300's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,455
I didn't get boob issues, but while breast feeding(over a year) they were pretty off limits if he touched them I would start leaking profusely lol and I always had to wear a bra. so he got out of the habit of touching them.
ps our sex life did change after having kids also. i lost a lot of my sex drive . we still make an effort to do it because i feel it is important. but I used to have a very high sex drive, higher than DH in fact. not sure if it was the baby or me just getting a little older. I was only 19 when we got married.. so I was good to go whenever lol
__________________




Reply With Quote
  #17  
January 5th, 2012, 04:16 PM
*Jillian*'s Avatar Baby #3 on the way
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 11,298
Quote:
Originally Posted by muffin300 View Post
I didn't get boob issues, but while breast feeding(over a year) they were pretty off limits if he touched them I would start leaking profusely lol and I always had to wear a bra. so he got out of the habit of touching them.
ps our sex life did change after having kids also. i lost a lot of my sex drive . we still make an effort to do it because i feel it is important. but I used to have a very high sex drive, higher than DH in fact. not sure if it was the baby or me just getting a little older. I was only 19 when we got married.. so I was good to go whenever lol
My sex drive increased with age. I'm 33.

have you tried drinking? lol I'm joking. Not really.
__________________

















Reply With Quote
  #18  
January 5th, 2012, 04:23 PM
muffin300's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,455
LOL that may help.
__________________




Reply With Quote
  #19  
January 5th, 2012, 05:26 PM
.:fearless:.'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ohio
Posts: 11,295
I so bawled reading this. What a freaking dork I am. (Can you tell I don't deal with crying well). This is mine and Mikes first together. We love each other SOOOOO freaking insanely much, but I have a lot of underlying issues that I am afraid are going to spark up. He knows I have them and works hard to make things ok (he cheated on me and we broke up about 5 times during our first year). We are pretty darn strong now, but I still at times wonder "what if". I hope that doesn't come into play and ruin things after baby is born Just everything, I hope nothing changes. Gosh, I am rambling cause I am crying. I'll shut up.
__________________
Ethan Michael 6*13*2000, Toryn Elizabeth 6*18*04, Julian Alexander 2*8*08, Jaxson Lea 5*4*12
Married to my best friend since 3*26*12
Reply With Quote
  #20  
January 5th, 2012, 05:59 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 2,971
My sex drive died as well. Idk, my identity is so wrapped up with being mommy, I get grossed out being dirty. So I guess the kind of sex, changed. But I'm also sober! Haha I have huge boob issues! If dh messes with them, I feel like a pedophile! Like it makes me ill. Hopefully that stops after we no longer have babies, but for now, if there's a baby on my boob, I can't. View them as sexual objects. I will say, I play along with sex. I may not be in the mood, but I still put out. Dh has a very high sex drive, and the man still finds me sexy, even if I don't at times. I don't want him to feel neglected. I've been on pelvic rest for most of this pregnancy, so sex has become a lot of "work" for me. Haha I think its nearly nightly.
The only time we use our real names are when were mad! Haha but we never call eachother mommy or daddy. Idk, his brother and his wife do that, and they don't even have kids together, its just weird! Haha mostly, its babe or something along those lines.
__________________
[CENTER]
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:15 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0