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letting your baby cry?


Forum: May 2012 Playroom

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  #1  
February 18th, 2012, 03:32 PM
rmarie9509's Avatar Liam's Mommy
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Okay so I know this has the potential to become a debate, but thats not what Im looking for. I know we have a great dynamic here and we hardly ever argue but it's blowing up in the other DDC's aparently it's something people get very opinionated about lol. Anyway I want to get our thoughts on in and if it gets out of hand at all I will just have an admin lock it because I really dont want an argument okay? okay.

So here's my question how do you feel about letting your newborn cry? I know we all know that you can't "spoil" a baby and that they can't manipulate with crying until at least 6 months. But I also think from experience that they can get used to things being a certain way from a young age and get out of sorts when that isn't the case. So how did you previously or do you plan to handle a fussy baby. Do you think it's okay to let them cry a little bit? If you can't soothe them would you walk away for a while? What about at night do you get up right away or give it time?

I have never seen a problem with letting a baby cry a little as long as I know they have all their needs met but it seems like all the sudden a lot of people feel you need to be making sure your baby never makes a peep, going so far as to hold them all the time. I even saw one person saying they hold the baby while they pee. I think that's a little much but they are very shall we say passionate about it, So now Im not sure what to think.
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  #2  
February 18th, 2012, 03:43 PM
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I'm against crying it out for newborns and infants. That's just me personally, and I won't get into all the reasons. I don't think letting a baby fuss for a few minutes is crying it out though, to me CIO is more a sleep training thing where you leave them to cry (you may go in and soothe them every few minutes, or you may not).

For both my girls, I usually rocked or nursed them to sleep. Both were pretty good sleepers though and easy to transition out of that. If they fussed while I was cooking dinner, then I'd talk to them, etc. If they started crying, then I'd usually go soothe them versus having them continue crying.

When they did wake at night, it all depended. We usually bed share, so I could easily just pop a boob into their mouth and drift back off. I would occasionally wait a little bit (like 45 seconds or so) because they'd also often just cry out at night and then fall right back to sleep without waking. But I always comforted them if it was longer than that, and even with just crying in their sleep, I was right next to them.

If they cried when I was in the bathroom, then I just tried to hurry up Usually, I had the door open, so I could see them (or with Vi - I could have Lily entertain her for a few seconds), so they knew I was still right there.

DH did let Lily CIO once when I was out for about 2 hours. He put her in her crib (which she had never slept in) and she screamed/cried the entire time (he says he went in to comfort her every few minutes) and then she pooped and fingerpainted the wall and crib He never brought it up again. She was around a year old at that point though.

I never had an issue with my girls feeling like they *had* to be held or getting upset over not being held as they got older. I do think it's important that if you are getting frustrated with your LO crying, that you do put them down and walk away for a few minutes. I think that is better than getting more upset with them.
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  #3  
February 18th, 2012, 03:52 PM
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I don't believe in letting a newborn cry it out because as you said, they don't use crying to manipulate when they are that little. I did learn to let them fuss a little because I found that I was actually bothering her more by jumping the moment she made a squeek. Once DD entered the toddler years, I let her cry it out longer but if she gets super worked up about whatever is up, I tend to try and calm her down but stay consistant at the same time.
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  #4  
February 18th, 2012, 03:54 PM
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Don't worry you won't get a debate from me! I am very much a strong believer in "to each their own" when it comes to most baby issues.

I pretty much went with my gut when it came to DS. I felt okay letting him fuss or cry a bit in a safe place while I showered, making sure it was just after a feed, a burp, and a diaper change. There were a few times I couldn't get him to stop crying and I would put him in his crib and walk away for a few minutes. I was breastfeeding and DS was pretty predictable with feedings so I knew when he woke up at night, it was time to eat. I was better off to get there quickly, feed him, and let him fall back asleep. But during the day, I was fine to let him fuss a little before getting right to him. I didn't usually let it get to a full out cry because then the situation would be calming him down and meeting whatever the initial need was.
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  #5  
February 18th, 2012, 04:12 PM
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I can't imagine letting a newborn cry it out. I mean, they need to eat and be comforted so often that it seems neglectful at that stage.

I won't debate about it. I'm just on the side of tend to them when they need you. I get super anxious and my boobs leak when my baby cries so I just take that as nature's way of telling me to do my motherly thing for them.

Now, I don't think a little fussing will hurt them, but not to ignore their needs. More like, I'll be there in a minute when I get off the toilet or tend to your brother real fast!

I don't really see crying as manipulation either. Their brains aren't developed enough to manipulate. They DO go through needier stages that biologically make them cry for you more. Doesn't mean it's manipulation.
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  #6  
February 18th, 2012, 04:52 PM
rmarie9509's Avatar Liam's Mommy
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yeah I am definitely not talking cry it out like ferberization or anything, and even then I think alot of people misinterpret the point of a true CIO philosophy, I just started getting overwhelmed hearing people saying that it's wrong to even let a baby cry at all basically. I like what Dawn said about not letting them cry too much because then you have to calm them down too and still meet the need.

I guess Im just worried about finding the right balance. I want Liam to be able to be flexible and handle some changes in his schedule and I want him to have security and predictability at the same time. Idk it's harder to describe than what is in my head lol. I guess Im going to just hope that he has an easy going personality and it won't even be an issue lol.
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  #7  
February 18th, 2012, 04:56 PM
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I always tended to Grady, but I did it promptly because he would work himself up so much. He's extremely secure because he knows I was always there.

I don't think fussing and crying is the same thing. And honestly, you will learn your baby's cry's and know what they need from them. It's the cool thing about getting to know your baby.
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  #8  
February 18th, 2012, 05:09 PM
rmarie9509's Avatar Liam's Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *Jillian* View Post
I don't think fussing and crying is the same thing. And honestly, you will learn your baby's cry's and know what they need from them. It's the cool thing about getting to know your baby.

Another great tip


this is what a DDC is all about
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  #9  
February 18th, 2012, 05:38 PM
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I agree with Jillian, you'll definitely learn what your LO's cry means. I know my girls had very different cries for when they were hungry, wet or just wanted someone around.
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  #10  
February 18th, 2012, 05:42 PM
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i dont do CIO for newborns, or even young babies. I use it more of a tool later into the first year or so to help increase the amount they sleep at night. Or in DD's case, to help her take naps during the day when she was a toddler. Staying in a room trying to soothe and rocking to sleep did not work for DD, so we chose to CIO and eventually she would nap better. We never had to do it overnight for her, as she always slept well over night. DS was able to self soothe ( i think becuase he was a thumb sucker) and so we started to sleep train him closer to 13 months. Basically to try and prolong time between feedings when i noticed he was able to go longer, and then would have a few nights of regression.

Im not going to debate this, it works for my family in certain situations, end of story. What others choose to do is on them and great for them.
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  #11  
February 18th, 2012, 05:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rmarie9509 View Post
I guess Im just worried about finding the right balance. I want Liam to be able to be flexible and handle some changes in his schedule and I want him to have security and predictability at the same time. Idk it's harder to describe than what is in my head lol. I guess Im going to just hope that he has an easy going personality and it won't even be an issue lol.

As a first time mom, there is so much unknown! You will hear this a million times, but I have to say, your instincts will kick in. Just like Jillian said, you will know the difference between "I'm just fussing to fuss" and "I'm about to have a meltdown because I'm hungry/wet/need to cuddle". I personally think the imbalance comes when you start to feel like you have to follow the XYZ Method of Having a Perfect Baby That Sleeps Through the Night Etc. If you are following your babies cues and doing what you are comfortable with, you will end up with a baby that is comfortable too. KWIM?
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  #12  
February 18th, 2012, 06:23 PM
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I was going to say the same thing - you will figure it out! There is sooo much unknown as a first time mom, but once you are holding that baby, instincts will kick in. Sure you will most likely doubt yourself at times, feel overwhelmed, or need to put your baby down to cry or fuss while you step into another room to keep from losing your mind (didn't happen with us until he was much older then a newborn though ). But you will figure it out. I wouldn't sweat it, just follow your gut!
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  #13  
February 18th, 2012, 06:41 PM
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as a new born I was pretty much there if DS cried as soon as I could get to him. He usually had a reason too. Now he will occasionally have a melt down and cry. and there is really not much to do but ride it out if reasoning with him wont work. I also did let him cry for a bit when he got older to help him start sleeping better. it worked for him. he is stricter with his nap/bedtime schedule than I am now. but I know every kid and parent is different. and there is nothing wrong with that.
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  #14  
February 18th, 2012, 06:46 PM
rmarie9509's Avatar Liam's Mommy
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yeah I think the newborn stage is just making me nervous because even though Ive worked in daycare with tons of babies they are all 2-3 months old and of course none of them was mine
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  #15  
February 18th, 2012, 07:04 PM
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After about 7-8 months I let Aiden cry for a bit if he woke in the middle of the night. I was exhausted and needed sleep... He only did it for a few nights ( 5-10 mins at a time) then slept through the night... Still does unless he is sick or had a nightmare. I never let him cry it out as a newborn though... Or for longer than 10 mins without trying to comfort him... I was always heartbroken and scared he'd work himself up too much.

Your instincts will kick in... And a newborn is a piece of cake!!! All they do is eat, sleep, and poop!!! LOL. Wait until you have a 2 year old with his own personality, wants, needs, etc. that's when the real fun begins
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  #16  
February 18th, 2012, 07:18 PM
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I totally agree!! You know your baby. I don't do any kind of letting them cry when they are newborns... although Kate never fussed. She was either extremely happy or extremely upset, and she literally would go from one to the other in an instant. If she had whimpered and fussed I probably would have let her wait a moment or two but that screaming was just.... oh it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up and made me want to bawl. (I'm so glad that she stopped doing that, lol!)

I think newborns are just so... well they don't understand. I always thought about how confusing it must be to be introduced to this world and not know how it works and not really understand much besides mom and dad's touch. She slept fine in my arms and horribly (or not at all) when we put her down. She hated being swaddled and hated the bouncer for a long time and we just did what we needed to do to keep her happy.

Obviously you can't always respond right away - if I was peeing I tried to be quick (or hold her... yes I held my baby while peeing, but I was desperate), I showered hoping she please would sleep 10 minutes without waking up crying, and sometimes she just had to wait. The worst was in the car, though. There were a few occassions I didn't know how to get home because she would start SCREAMING when I put her in the car seat and I was halfway home, pulled over in a parking lot checking her diaper, seeing if she wanted to nurse, etc. And once I made sure nothing was really wrong, that there was nothing I could do, well all I could do was strap her in, grit my teeth, and drive. Made me cry though. I tried my best to always plan driving for when she was sleepy.

And the thing is, it DOES change. At some point they go from newborn crying-needing-mama to toddler-ticked-off-because-you're-slow. Around a year old - maybe a little earlier - I finally was like, now she's just annoying me, because she DOES know better and she DOES understand and she's not terrified in the dark, she's ticked off because she wants something. And that's just a whole different thing IMO! and that newborn who wouldn't sleep anywhere but in my arms, she's now in her crib sleeping 12 hours at night - and I hear her at night waking up giggling and talking and falling back asleep. She now knows "wait" (although she doesn't LIKE it).

I feel like some people in my life made it sound like if I didn't "train" her from the start that it was game over. Well of course there are habits and such, but everything can be changed. And a lot of it is just personality too. What worked for other kids didn't work for her. Even to this day we'll let her throw a tantrum and we'll let her whine and whimper in her crib until she falls asleep if she's exhausted and fighting it, but if she's honestly upset and screaming then we still go get her... because that's what she needs. We calm her down and try again.

I really really believe in mama instincts. I felt the worst when I tried ignoring them.
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  #17  
February 18th, 2012, 07:57 PM
Raven_Haired_Mama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I have never been one to let mine CIO. It's just how I operate instinctually. I have seen it work for friends. And I don't judge others who do it. It's just not right for me.
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  #18  
February 18th, 2012, 08:41 PM
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i think there is a some cases where you really don't have any choice but to let them cry. sky was a month old and she had all her needs met and she would just full on cry for 4-6 hours a night solid .she had colic and it was overwhelming at times. there wasn't a single thing we could do to chill her out. changed her, fed her, burped her, soothed her, had a warm bath with her. repeat times a thousand and still non-stop crying throughout every attempt. for our own sanity, we would just set her down next to us, and turn the telly on and try to tune her out. we slept in the same room, so she was never left alone, per se. but we did let her be for a few moments here and there. i think in those instances, you need to re-group. i found a little breather was beneficial for all and i have the same approach for when they get older. if all the needs are met, and they are still crying than a a little time out is in order. and when i say little, i just mean a few minutes. i think i learned that from supernanny. the same amount of minutes as their age.
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  #19  
February 18th, 2012, 09:09 PM
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I'm definitely in the to each their own group also...I also think that different kids require different things...and you can modify what you can and will do based on the kid YOU have...

That being said, I would never cry out a newborn...with Kaiden, I did everything possible for him to never cry...we swaddled (which worked until he could roll over), then he coslept - with an open - boob-bar all night whenever he wanted it, that worked for a few months...but, by about 9-10 months, he was literally waking up every hour...screaming...it would take about 30 minutes to get him back down - rocking him/bouncing him on a ball, giving him boob, anything to get him back to sleep...then he'd sleep for an hour and be back up screaming - and only *sleep* about 8 hours at night (and during the day I would maybe get an hour if he was in my arms on the boob, it was a delusional nightmare because I was literally living on 2-4 hours of sleep a night...he simply would not sleep with us (even though I would have LOVED if he had, and both of us would have been perfectly fine cosleeping with him for the forseeable future)...

The problem was that he didnt know *how* to get himself back to sleep...its something that we learn, and it was effecting him and us negatively...the tipping point was when I found myself being less attentive and caring during the day to him simply because I was having trouble functioning on that little sleep (I'm not exaggerating at all here, the no sleep was rough!)...

Finally at 10 months, we decided to try CIO...which is actually called sleep training not CIO...we got the book by Dana Olberman and devoured it...the first night, we left him in his crib and came in and comforted him every 5 minutes till he went down - it took about 40 minutes, and he did cry - but, he slept until 4am, I gave him boob, and put him back down (he cried for about 5 minutes) and he slept till 6:30am...it was the most sleep I'd gotten since he was born!

The second night, he cried for 20 minutes, thee third, it was back to 30 minutes...and after that, it got less and less...by about 2 weeks in, he wouldnt cry for more than a minute or two, and now it has been more than a year, and he almost never cries...he also naps in the same way...at this point, he gets about 1.5-2.5 hour nap every day, and sleeps about 12 hours at night...

Basically, what I'm saying is that FOR US, this was the right decision...I'm a better mother to him because I get sleep...hes a better kid (SO SO SO much happier) because he is getting sleep...this is what worked for us...could we have gotten through the sleep thing without doing any sleep training? perhaps, but this worked, and he is happy and healthy and loving and wonderful...

but only you can decide what will work for you, and your kid...
HTH!
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  #20  
February 18th, 2012, 10:16 PM
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I have never been a mother who has done any of the CIO stuff... Not that I am against it or for it.. But something I have learnt from being a parent so far, that nobody could have told me... is that NO family is the same and no situation is the same.. Some things that work for some families doesn't work for others... Which is why I believe everyone has to choose their own 'parenting' method / ideas .. ones that WORK FOR THEM...

So nope I have never done the CIO thing at any stage with any of my boys... BUT they have all been WONDERFUL sleepers and I have been very lucky in that department... So in another situation I MAY have tried it if I was at my wits end etc... Again, different things work for different families... This was such a big thing for me to learn... I mostly learnt it from having my first child diagnosed with autism and getting soooo much 'advice', well meaning or not, from family , friends and even strangers in public!!!... (for eg. Jacob used to struggle with shopping centres, noise etc etc.. he would lay on the ground bang his head and flap.... I used to have strangers walk up to me and say.. 'Oh just walk away from him.. he will follow you... definately!!!'...... Me being a first time mother did try it once... Nope he didn't follow me... ) ...So as I said... different families, different children, different situations = different solutions... Do what works for you guys... You will do great

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