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Still can't overcome this feeling :(


Forum: May 2012 Playroom

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  #1  
February 26th, 2012, 01:30 PM
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Deleted my original post, due to some cruel feedbacks/comments from some of the ladies....and apparantly what I said was taken out of text.

I have been accused of someone that will be hurting my unborn child, and that is the most hurtful thing anyone could have said to me!!!!!!!!!

I have a 3yr old son, that was born at 28wks....and it was the toughest thing I have ever been through. But he is a healthy boy, and I AM A STRONG AND GOOD MOTHER!!!! No one is gonna tell me otherwise that I will not be with this unborn child, just because I have been having a hard time realizing that i'm having a girl!!!!!!!!!!

Last edited by chen75; March 1st, 2012 at 12:39 PM. Reason: Deleted post, due to cruel comments!
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  #2  
February 26th, 2012, 01:42 PM
muffin300's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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well I know I can't make you feel happy about a girl. but if it is any comfort my mom had 4 daughters. and we are all totally different than each other..in fact none of us are high maintenance fashion divas. and we loved playing in the mud and building forts. there is definitely more to having girls than cutesy fairy princess play. . actually I have had so many little girls in my life the thought of having DS terrified me. and now that I know his real personality I can not imagine my life with out him. instead of trying to get excited about pink frilly clothes just think about your baby as an individual. someone that will change your life forever and probably better than you ever imagined possible. you don't have to try to fit the "girl mom" mold.
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  #3  
February 26th, 2012, 01:47 PM
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Yeah, children are so much more than their gender? I do hope tho, that if your daughter does enjoy some of the things about being a girl, that you'll be ok with that. How does your dh feel about having a daughter?
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  #4  
February 26th, 2012, 01:53 PM
CarolynBB's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I know what you mean! I'm not into frilly princesses, either.

Two of my good friends (both women) have two daughters together. The moms are both rough and tumble hockey players and were quietly horrified when their eldest daughter wanted to do "princess skating" (figure skating) and wear tutus instead of learn to play hockey. Over the years, though (daughter is nearly 6) they've all balanced each other out quite nicely. Plus, their younger daughter (now 2) is a total tomboy bruiser.
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  #5  
February 26th, 2012, 01:59 PM
dream2bemommy22's Avatar and baby makes 5
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Just remember, gender doesnt decide what makes your child. YOU have the choice how you are going to raise your child. Having a girl doesnt mean your resticted to pink frilly dresses and dance class.

I let my children decide how they want to be raised. Does that mean that my son has his nails painted and walks around with a purse sometimes, yes. But he also plays with cars animals and books.
My daughter loves working on her daddys mustang with him, but loves getting her hair done and getting to wear a bit of makeup here and there.

Both of them love puzzles, playing outside and getting dirty. It has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with the personality behind the child.

Really in the end, the baby is a product of you and your DH. Whether its a boy or girl really shouldnt matter. I have a hard time with posts like this, so i hope im not coming off harsh. But i just have never been one "hoping" for one gender over the other, so i dont understand the disappointment it brings to some. It actually makes me sad to read stuff like this.
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  #6  
February 26th, 2012, 02:37 PM
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I concur with Muffin300. I'm one of three girls, and though we all liked dolls and dress-up to some degree, our interests were (and still are) much more diverse than that. I always loved playing in creeks, catching frogs, and going on nature walks, and now I'm a wildlife biologist. I never became a "girly girl." I bought my wedding dress on craigslist because I the idea of going to a bridal shop and trying on dozens of dresses held absolutely no appeal for me. My younger sister was big into horses, and she works with lab animals right now. She's more into clothes than I am, but she's also currently the proud owner of milking goats. We both got in very little trouble growing up. Our older sister was a lot more into makeup and boys than either of us, but she was also always the bravest when it came to swimming in the deep end or going on scary rides at the amusement park. Our older sister was definitely the most defiant as a teen... she got into most every kind of trouble a girl could get into, but now she's doing great, has a lovely family (including a 13 year old daughter who could be her clone), a good career in the medical field, and she gets along great with our mom.

My husband and I are expecting a girl (our first). I have every intention of teaching her not to fear bugs, getting muddy together, teaching her to use a hammer and other tools, building treehouses, teaching her to tie knots, buying her a telescope and star charts, etc. We'll own dolls, princess dresses, trucks, blocks, puzzles, a basketball hoop, baseball bats, pom poms, beading kits, etc. There will probably be a fair number of challenging days as she grows up, but I've known many many teenage girls who aren't the stereotypical boy-obsessed, sneaking out after curfew, must have all the latest fashion, sassy-mouthed teens- so I know that our daughter very likely won't turn out that way... and no matter what we'll learn how effectively to parent the daughter we end up with. I'm sure you will too.
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  #7  
February 26th, 2012, 02:58 PM
.:fearless:.'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Please, whatever you do, don't EVER tell your daughter that. My mom told me that I was a "mistake" and she cried when she found out she was pregnant. I have never forgotten that.
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  #8  
February 26th, 2012, 03:04 PM
Lisa H's Avatar Super Mommy
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My dad already has big plans to teach this baby all about cars and motors ... regardless of gender.

Both my brother and I spent a lot of time in the garage helping to fix up cars. I was on a boys baseball team and a boys hockey team because the girls teams were too girly for my taste. At the same time I took ballet classes and figure skating lessons. I have never been a huge makeup and clothes person but I do like to dress girly occasionally.

Of the 5 girls in my grade 6 class at work, 4 are into sports and girly stuff. The other girl wants nothing to do with fashion, makeup or dance class.

If you introduce your daughter to many different activities, she will have a wide variety of interests. Some will be "girly" and others will not. Gender roles are very culturally defined and you can have some influence on her.
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  #9  
February 26th, 2012, 03:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dream2bemommy22 View Post
Just remember, gender doesnt decide what makes your child. YOU have the choice how you are going to raise your child. Having a girl doesnt mean your resticted to pink frilly dresses and dance class.

I let my children decide how they want to be raised. Does that mean that my son has his nails painted and walks around with a purse sometimes, yes. But he also plays with cars animals and books.
My daughter loves working on her daddys mustang with him, but loves getting her hair done and getting to wear a bit of makeup here and there.

Both of them love puzzles, playing outside and getting dirty. It has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with the personality behind the child.

Really in the end, the baby is a product of you and your DH. Whether its a boy or girl really shouldnt matter. I have a hard time with posts like this, so i hope im not coming off harsh. But i just have never been one "hoping" for one gender over the other, so i dont understand the disappointment it brings to some. It actually makes me sad to read stuff like this.
I'm sorry if I have offended you with my post. I am having a hard time dealing, as I am very nervous about having a girl. I guess when you have your heart set on something, then you get the opposite, you feel disappointed. And I am just being truthful about my feelings.
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  #10  
February 26th, 2012, 03:55 PM
*Jillian*'s Avatar Baby #3 on the way
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Just approach having her as something new and exciting. And kids love all sorts of play, and stereotypes only limit them and their imaginations. My son is free to play with anything and everything.

We're not always about sports and dump trucks. He likes those things, but so do all my friends with girls. In fact, my friend with 2 boys can't get her kid to play sports, yet my friend with a 13 year old daughter plays 3 different ones and is awesome.

It's all how you approach it. Try not to feel like all girls are princesses (I sort of hate that even though I'm very girly) and that all boys are dirty monsters. lol
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  #11  
February 26th, 2012, 04:03 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I had a tough time adjusting at first to the idea of having a second girl. I lost a little boy so I always pictured myself as being a boy mom in addition to a girl mom and we're pretty much done having kids after this.... so it was hard to let go of that. And yeah, I couldn't picture another little girl. I'm feeling much more excited now as I adjust to my new reality and I know it'll be fine... good. Though I still have trouble picturing who this little one is!

I think it'll just take time. I think once you see who she is as a person, especially as their personality comes out, it'll all make sense.
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  #12  
February 26th, 2012, 04:06 PM
*Jillian*'s Avatar Baby #3 on the way
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My best friend had a baby girl 8 months ago and she was nervous because she has a boy and the feeling of the unknown was hard for her.

When she heard her daughter cry and saw her face she said it was like she already knew her. Like she was exactly what she wanted all along.

I'm sure you'll get that feeling.
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  #13  
February 26th, 2012, 04:43 PM
Raven_Haired_Mama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.

I wanted a girl really bad when pregnant with my second son. I cried and grieved during the u/s and for a week after when I found out it was a boy. I got it out of my system and was then fine with another boy. I was upset for about a day or two this time when I found out it was another boy. This is our last so I was sad to never experience being a girl mom. But I am so glad now it's another boy and wouldn't want it any other way.

Although I got over it faster than you have I can understand a little of what you feel. We are only human and sometimes have feelings we can't help. I am now getting excited about this baby although in the beginning I was not. It is not something I like to share really. But if others can sort of relate then it's worth sharing.
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  #14  
February 26th, 2012, 06:01 PM
ElizabethS's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm sure once she is born you will totally have a change of heart. I have 1 girl and 5 boys (between 2 stepsons and 2 bio sons with another bio son on the way in April). First off ,they are all SO different. My daughter likes girly things but she is also rough and tumble and loves to play in the mud and get dirty..likes riding papa's four wheeler, and wants to learn to ride horses as well.

Just because she is a girl doesn't mean she is going to want to wear tutus and have her nails painted 7 days a week! I was a TOMBOY as a kid and I still am. They take a lot of their cues from us. So if you aren't really girly I doubt she will pick up and want to be that way when she is little.

With my last pregnancy my husband and I wanted a girl SO BADLY. To the point that I CRIED after our 3d u/s at 13 weeks. However, by the time he was born and placed in my arms, none of that mattered. He is the light of my life. I couldn't imagine him any other way than how he is.

And this time...while we "hoped" for a girl so my daughter could have a sister, when we found out he was a boy we jumped for joy and were just so happy he was healthy and that we would be able to add yet another bundle of joy to our family.
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  #15  
February 26th, 2012, 06:27 PM
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As for your fear of being a good mother to a girl... what is that? My mom wasn't into fashion, she wasn't very girly & I had a wonderful childhood. She never brought me to get my nails painter or my ears pierced but I just didn't even realize that I was "missing" that. I had friends to do that stuff with. My mom LOVED me with all of her heart & soul. She enjoyed me & I enjoyed her. That was the blessing in my life...not playing dolls. It's ridiculous to believe that there are moms that are for boys & moms that are for girls. Just be a mom, that's all she needs.

There isn't anything any of us can say at this point that is going to change how you feel. You're gender dissapointment is above and beyond that of a "normal" caliber. Anyone who disagree's with me is just blowing smoke. I feel horrible for you and your baby that you feel this way & I know you wish you could change it but your feeings are your feelings, wrong as they may be.. All I can say is that I hope you remain aware of the negative feeling you have about your daughter to be & if they carry into life, you do the right thing by her & find a way to get her the love she needs & deserves.

I sure hope your husband doesn't feel the same way because your posts about this are absolutely BREAKING My heart for that sweet little girl. I hope there aren't more people out there thinking they can control what gender they are dished out because that is just silly/niave/ridiculous. I don't mean to offend you at all and I'm sure it sounds like I do...I just don't know how else to help but to put things point blank, in hopes of guidling you to recoginizing how abnormal these feelings are & hoping you seek some kind of help for them.
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  #16  
February 26th, 2012, 06:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chen75 View Post


*sigh*, i don't know how to overcome this feeling It's so bad, that if i've known i would have gotten a girl, i don't think i would have wanted another. And take it from me, don't believe in those stupid psychics!!! I was told i would have a second, and it would be a boy!!!!!!!!!
This is the main thing that bothers me. You're an adult and you know there is a 50/50 chance of having a boy or a girl. You shouldn't place your plans in the hands of people telling you they know your future. That's very naive.

Go hang out over at the ttc board and hear the stories of people dying to have a baby of their own. Might put some of your situation in perspective.
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  #17  
February 26th, 2012, 07:15 PM
.:fearless:.'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I had my heart set on a girl this time around, after 2 boys and 1 girl, I wanted it....badly. Even made a post that I was disappointed and was hoping that at my next appt 4 weeks later maybe they were wrong. Nope, I have an amazing little boy that I am growing and will possibly grow up to do great things.

I can get part of your disappointment. It's natural when your heart is set on something and it doesn't happen. Now though, is the time to take it and accept it dear. You were given a gift. She may grow up to be/do something amazing, that a son could not do. Religious or not, that is a very good point.

When I got pregnant with my youngest it was a BAD BAD situation. All through my pregnancy I questioned why? My son was born and I knew why right then and there.
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  #18  
February 26th, 2012, 08:19 PM
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I'm nervous about having a boy, just because I'm used to girls and I'm worried about the unknown. *But* I know that I'll enjoy having a boy, even if he's totally different from my girls. I mean, my girls are totally different from each other anyway. Both love dresses and dressing up, but Vi hates me doing her hair and Lily loves it. Vi prefers dancing/singing, but Lily prefers gymnastics, swim and more sporty type things (like tennis).

Gender is largely what you make it. Who says that your girl has to wear dresses and be frilly and like princesses? If she likes that, then she likes that - but she's not destined to like all of that just because she has a vagina.

I feel like you are just setting yourself up for disappointment by saying "i will always know that i won't be a good mom to her. ". You might be the most awesome mom in the world to her, but you have to be willing to try. You can't assume now that you're going to be a horrible mom because she's a girl and you wanted a boy.
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  #19  
February 27th, 2012, 08:32 AM
bookworm16_2000's Avatar Mom to Allison and JR
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I could have written a post very similar to this a little over 2 years ago! When I was told I was having a daughter I couldn't comprehend what I was going to do! I was excited about being pregnant but to have a girl- I have never been the typical girly girl so I was terrified about that being an option.

Now, as the mom of an amazing 2 year old daughter, I love it! She is not your typical girl, she likes to go play in the dirt with her trucks, go for tractor rides with her daddy, and generally cause chaos wherever she goes. She may wear a frilly dress to do this or her blue jeans and flannel shirt- it doesn't matter to her. She does things her way- not as a girl or tomboy but as Allison.

What I'm saying is realize that each child is different. They may fit the "typical" stereotype of their gender but they may not. They will do things their way and you will love them for it. You may not be a good mom to a girl but you will be a good mom to your girl because you realize that they are an individual!
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  #20  
February 27th, 2012, 09:17 AM
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I think when all is said and done you'll be an amazing mom to her. When I had my oldest 5 years ago I was freaking out because I was so used to boys in my family. I was worried (while I loved being pretty and girlie, I had gotten used to caring for and entertaining little boys) that I would be a horrible mom and have no clue what to do with a girl. Now I have 3 girls. Sure they have days when they want to play dress up, but most days they are content playing outside in the dirt, building and fixing with daddy and enjoy being dirty. Sure they get dressed up and enjoy being little girls, but they are nicely balanced and would be just fine if I had not adjusted to being a mom of girls.
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