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Forum: May 2012 Playroom

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  #1  
February 29th, 2012, 04:39 PM
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I just read some of the ladies's comments back about how I was having trouble realizing i am still having a baby girl. And I have to be honest, it had upset me quite a bit. I never said that I was not thankful that I am pregnant and is having a girl. I was just saying that I am nervous about having a girl, and I don't know if I would be a good mother to a girl. I'm sure there are alot of you out there that has a specific gender preference, although most of you won't admit it and say that "as long as the baby is healthy". I totally agree....as long as the baby is healthy, sex should not matter. But....no matter what, everyone will always have a little preference.

I know there are alot of women out there that can't even get pregnant...yes i know! I was one of them, when i was trying to conceive my son 3yrs ago!!
  #2  
February 29th, 2012, 04:47 PM
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Retracted. I didn't know you said all that. Are you still feeling that way? Have you thought of adoption?
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Last edited by disneydiva76; February 29th, 2012 at 08:11 PM.
  #3  
February 29th, 2012, 05:12 PM
Bella_Luna's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm sorry you're feeling hurt by the comments. I didn't see that thread, but I can tell you that a mommy in my old DDC/PR had the exact same feelings as you. She wanted a boy so badly, and when she found out she was having a girl she became a little depressed and wasn't sure how she'd be a mother to a girl when she always envisioned herself with a boy. Well her daughter was born and now she can't imagine her life without her little girl. I know of course you know that is how you will feel once she's born, but my point is is that those feelings will subside and you will be a great mom to your daughter!
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  #4  
February 29th, 2012, 05:18 PM
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I also don't know what thread your are talking about, I'll have to read back but I'm sorry your feelings got hurt

I agree its a perfectly normal and natural feeling to mourn the "loss" of the gender you wanted or thought you were getting.

Keep your head up! DH and I totally wanted a boy, just because we have a girl and he has twin daughters that live in KY from an ex relationship, so I'll admit I love my little girl to death but was sad mostly for dh when we found out it was another girl. I'm sure he was kinda sad too although he would never admit it.
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  #5  
February 29th, 2012, 05:20 PM
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People are just being honest with you and trying to help you out.

Sometimes brutal honesty is needed. and sometimes it's just that; Brutal.

When we post on boards like this we have to be prepared for all sorts of opinions, because we're all from different backgrounds, experiences, cultures, countries...

Just be the best you can be!!
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  #6  
February 29th, 2012, 05:55 PM
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well, i'm not about to coddle you. you said had you known you were going to have a girl, you don't think you would have gone ahead with this pregnancy. this makes me fear for your unborn child and honestly, i think your IP addresses should be tracked and get social services to check on that sweet baby of yours. call me over the top, or cruel if you wish, but my concern is the well being of your child, whom you made it sound as though, you want nothing to do with because of her gender. if i read into that wrong, well shoot, perhaps you should have worded it better. i just took it for what was said. at this stage if you are having ill feelings towards your unborn baby, then its time to investigate why, and look into all your options. i stand by that. if that upsets you, well get used to it. when you bring a child into this world, it isn't about your needs and wants. its about your baby. end of.
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  #7  
February 29th, 2012, 06:26 PM
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I think the issue was that you posted that you already *know* you won't be a good mom to her, and other things, etc. That's different then saying you are worried you won't be, or nervous, etc.

Your original post made it sound like you weren't just slightly disappointed, but instead massively disappointed and depressed about it. Maybe you were just having a bad day that day, but your post then made it sound like a much bigger deal than this one where you're saying that you're just nervous.
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  #8  
February 29th, 2012, 06:33 PM
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It came across as regret more than gender disappointment.. I get some level of gender disappointment totally...well not for myself because I must be one of the weird people that really would have been fine with either gender. I was and am just thankful I'm pregnant.

And I also told you not to trust in psychics in the first place to plan your family. I'd tell anyone in any situation that. It's just not smart to put your plans in anyone's hands but your own. It's always a 50/50 chance at the sex no matter what or who it is.

if you were having a dramatic day or feeling then I hope you are feeling more at peace.
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Last edited by *Jillian*; February 29th, 2012 at 07:14 PM.
  #9  
February 29th, 2012, 06:39 PM
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I'm sorry your feelings are hurt but as one who apparently misunderstood your post, I think you sounded rather clear on the fact that you think you got the shaft when you were delt this baby girl whom you "aren't excited about having. and wouldn't have if you would have know she was a she." I think some of us gave you the best advice in response to some really strong & passionate feelings of dissapointment that go way beyond the initial shock of gender dissapointment.

Here are the direct quotes from your post that not only has some of us scared but probably a little offended ourselves.

"somehow I just can't find it in my heart to want a girl, even though i am carrying a girl"

"but no matter what....i will always know that i won't be a good mom to her."

"and all i hear is how her daughter is so demanding, so different from her son" .."i don't think i can deal with all the territories of having a daughter"

"It's so bad, that if i've known i would have gotten a girl, i don't think i would have wanted another. And take it from me, don't believe in those stupid psychics!!! I was told i would have a second, and it would be a boy"


I just want to add that, as a mother of a little girl, i'm offended that you put little boys on a higher pedistal. As if they are so genetically easy going & less maintenance than girls. Tell that to my neighbor whos son who (as sweet as he is) has ADHD, which is 2-4 times more likely to be diagnosed in boys than girls. Some of those quotes above are pretty clear in their message. I sure wish I could believe that I (and others) misunderstood your post but to me, it sounds a little like your backpeddling. Look, your feelings are your feelings...it's how you proceed that is important.
  #10  
February 29th, 2012, 07:09 PM
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Sorry to have upset you.
  #11  
February 29th, 2012, 08:29 PM
.:fearless:.'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Your previous post actually made my stomach churn when I read it. I tried to be as nice as possible and I am NOT a nice person typically. Sorry that you didn't feel supported in these feelings of yours, but you opened it up to have people say these things to you. If you don't want peoples opinions....then don't post about it.
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  #12  
February 29th, 2012, 08:32 PM
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I actually didn't respond to that thread because I was trying to "not say anything if it wasn't nice." I do agree with many of the people's responses though.

I am truly sorry that you are feeling that way. Personally, I deal with way too many children who have parents who don't care about them. So, this hits me hard. (I am not saying that you will be this way, but the statements you made do make me a little worried.)

I am confused though. When you posted that, what did you expect everyone to respond with?
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  #13  
February 29th, 2012, 08:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alilangel7 View Post
I actually didn't respond to that thread because I was trying to "not say anything if it wasn't nice." I do agree with many of the people's responses though.

I am truly sorry that you are feeling that way. Personally, I deal with way too many children who have parents who don't care about them. So, this hits me hard. (I am not saying that you will be this way, but the statements you made do make me a little worried.)

I am confused though. When you posted that, what did you expect everyone to respond with?

I hope that you were just having a bad day and that as time passes you can get over those feelings that you mentioned in the previous post...hugs to your little girl and you!
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  #14  
March 1st, 2012, 06:38 AM
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I am sorry that any of the comments upset you. Just know that we are here for you to listen to any concerns you might have and to hopefully offer constructive help.
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  #15  
March 1st, 2012, 06:58 AM
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Truly, I'm sorry your feelings were hurt, but I hope you take into account what everyone contributed. I myself didn't comment as I could not relate to your situation. I have had gender disappointment, but never to the degree in which you described. I know with an absolute certainty that no matter the gender of a child, I could mother any baby and do it well and wholeheartedly. When you ask for feedback/support from a group of mothers that is so invested in their children and new babies, you have to take the salt with the sugar dear..all the best to you and your sweet girl..
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  #16  
March 1st, 2012, 07:22 AM
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I agree too. I didn't post on your thread because I couldn't relate. I wanted a girl and when we found out it was a boy I had feelings of sadness and what not...but the now that I have been carrying him so long, I can't imagine ever trading him for a girl...I love the idea of a son now...I don't think your feelings are normal, and it might be wise for you to seek real help, outside of these boards to work through them so that you CAN be a good mother to your little girl who needs her momma to love and accept her so much! Maybe you will feel differently when she is born, but if for some reason you don't, please be honest with yourself and seek help with that for her sake.

My sister said she didn't feel excited about her first baby. She didn't feel like a mother and it took time for her but she worked through it...if it is really bothering you so much, you really need to reach out for help and face it. If I felt that way about anything ,having to do with my child, I would look for help...because he deserves that...
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  #17  
March 1st, 2012, 08:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sa712 View Post
I'm sorry your feelings are hurt but as one who apparently misunderstood your post, I think you sounded rather clear on the fact that you think you got the shaft when you were delt this baby girl whom you "aren't excited about having. and wouldn't have if you would have know she was a she." I think some of us gave you the best advice in response to some really strong & passionate feelings of dissapointment that go way beyond the initial shock of gender dissapointment.

Here are the direct quotes from your post that not only has some of us scared but probably a little offended ourselves.

"somehow I just can't find it in my heart to want a girl, even though i am carrying a girl"

"but no matter what....i will always know that i won't be a good mom to her."

"and all i hear is how her daughter is so demanding, so different from her son" .."i don't think i can deal with all the territories of having a daughter"

"It's so bad, that if i've known i would have gotten a girl, i don't think i would have wanted another. And take it from me, don't believe in those stupid psychics!!! I was told i would have a second, and it would be a boy"


I just want to add that, as a mother of a little girl, i'm offended that you put little boys on a higher pedistal. As if they are so genetically easy going & less maintenance than girls. Tell that to my neighbor whos son who (as sweet as he is) has ADHD, which is 2-4 times more likely to be diagnosed in boys than girls. Some of those quotes above are pretty clear in their message. I sure wish I could believe that I (and others) misunderstood your post but to me, it sounds a little like your backpeddling. Look, your feelings are your feelings...it's how you proceed that is important.

I have to agree with Sarah, you said a lot more in your original post than you are owning up to now that your feelings are hurt. I actually wanted to comment again on your post after i went and reread your original post. Beucase after i did, i was just downright mad about it.

The thing that bothered me the most was that you said you would have never gotten pregnant if you would have known it would be a girl.
That isnt being afraid of having a girl, thats being ungrateful that it is a healthy girly. End of story IMO.

Im sorry your feelings are hurt, but you put out a very bold statement and to expect cookie cutter responses on a message board is a bit naive. I let you know in my first post that im sorry you felt that way, but i really feel bad for you more than anything. I feel bad that you cant be happy about your own child becuase it doesnt have a penis.
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  #18  
March 1st, 2012, 08:48 AM
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I'm sorry that you were hurt, when you were voicing what you are going through.

Gender disappointment is very real, and it also can be amplified by depression. Some of what you are feeling sounds like more depression . I really think you need to sit down and talk to your doctor.

Please call your doctor and talk to them about your feelings.
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  #19  
March 1st, 2012, 11:39 AM
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Most women hope for a girl or boy...most, but not all. I would like a girl, because of the great relationship I have with my mother. But I loved having my little boy and having another one has me so excited. I've been asked if I wanted a girl and said yes, but if I don't, then I don't. My husband even said if we have a third, what if it's another boy? I said, then that's what it is!! I have children to have children.

There are others who hope for another gender for you as well or are disappointed when you don't have the 'other gender'. As if people think you should have both to make a perfect family. Weird isn't it?!! Feelings of gender disappointment are very common. People just don't talk about it. And they were more common in my grandparents era. Some women and men remained disappointed and some got over those feelings real quick once the baby was born. My grandfather thought my uncle was going to be a girl and he left the house before my uncle was born, because he was so disappointed he was having a girl again (so they thought). My father loved me, but I swear he made me do boy things to toughen me up.

Ok, bottom line. We have a lot emotions and fears during pregnancy. It's normal. I do. We all do. The girls who are offended or taken back by your post have valid feelings. We're all sensitive as mothers and cherish the life we've been given. But as women and primary caregivers to our children, we also have the right to want or not want. I don't think it means we're not grateful or unloving, it's just a feeling, a fear. And most women will overcome it. Just like the fear of having A CHILD PERIOD.

We all have to have some empathy and mind where we place our judgement. If women disagree with your post than that's ok too. You have to expect and embrace there comments whether you like it our not, because you have to be empathetic as well. We may not of shared the exact same experiences or feelings, but the wonderful thing about being a mother and loving a child, is that we share that passion and understand the struggles. Struggles we have raising our children and struggling with our emotions.

I once believed that once your a mother, you should put aside all your vices and be kind and perfect because now your a MOTHER. I was wrong I guess, and realized how disappointed I'd become when mothers weren't so angelic, so loving. I believed once a woman became a mother she would would want to protect everyone, she would value life very differently than she did pre-motherhood. And that holds true for many of us. But we're just human, human females who want to protect their nest, themselves and their way of life.

No matter what secret or public feelings we have, it's really hard not to love a child. This may feel unfair to you now, but she'll be here very soon and her arrival will have you feeling differently. People fear what they don't understand, right? But your fear is is based on other persons experiences, not what you don't understand. I think it's beautiful that were so different as genders. Children are challenging not matter what they are. As parents we are on a perpetual path of learning and our children may not like us very much either or may prefer one parent to the other. Your daughter is going to teach you some many things about yourself. So be prepared to experience disappointment and joy in a whole new way.

I'm finally done. Sorry. I didn't think it would be this long.
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Last edited by PIP; March 1st, 2012 at 11:44 AM.
  #20  
March 1st, 2012, 01:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chicknlittle View Post
well, i'm not about to coddle you. you said had you known you were going to have a girl, you don't think you would have gone ahead with this pregnancy. this makes me fear for your unborn child and honestly, i think your IP addresses should be tracked and get social services to check on that sweet baby of yours. call me over the top, or cruel if you wish, but my concern is the well being of your child, whom you made it sound as though, you want nothing to do with because of her gender. if i read into that wrong, well shoot, perhaps you should have worded it better. i just took it for what was said. at this stage if you are having ill feelings towards your unborn baby, then its time to investigate why, and look into all your options. i stand by that. if that upsets you, well get used to it. when you bring a child into this world, it isn't about your needs and wants. its about your baby. end of.
How can you say this?? I am a good mother! I am just having a hard time still realizing i have having a girl, as I had always hoped for another boy!!!!! I don't think this makes me a bad mother, nor will be a bad mother to my unborn child!!!!!!!!!! I know that once I see this baby, I will completely fall inlove with her!!!!!!!!! I have been nothing but a good mother to my 3yr son, and by accusing me of possibly hurting this baby girl, is uncalled for!!!!!!! I hate reading about all those that hurt their kids in the news, and I cry when I hear stories of those that do!!!!!! So by you saying my IP address should be tracked because i will hurt my child, that is out of line from you!! You do not know me! And yes I did say if i've known i would have a girl, i probably wouldn't have gotten pregnant. But that is just my uncertainty speaking!! I AM THANKFUL that i am carrying this baby. I am just simply SCARED that i wouldn't know how to deal with a girl, becuz i am not a girly person myself!! ....And which I know my feelings will probably change once this baby comes out!!!!!!!!
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