[BeccaMenk]

I know it is really late to be starting a journal about my pregnancy...but I am feeling like I am going to go crazy these last few weeks and I need an outlet...so here it is

I am 36 weeks and 3 days. Baby is dropping, although I feel his little but is against my ribs at this moment and its driving me nuts. I have found that if I walk alot he drops down and than I am more comfortable, but today I have been sitting and laying around in a terrible position for getting him to move down...so its kind of my fault.

I am desperate to make him come soon! I want him to wait and be full term, but I also don't want to risk him getting to big. OH I know that people have big babies all the time, but in my family big babies have a bad trach record. I was my moms big baby and she had me vaginally...but I broke her pelvic bone and caused so many complications my dad had to take me home while mom stayed in the hospital to heal! MY older sister had a bigger baby with her second and was determined to have a natural birth. She finally went into labor, way overdue, and labored for hours. The doctor kept telling her the baby was stuck and they needed to do a C-section but she refused as long as she could...finally she had to give in and have the C-section.

My little guy isnt huge but he is measuring on the bigger side. I have another ultrasound on Monday to recheck his growth. If it wasnt for the family track record I would be okay, but as it is...if the ultrasound measurements happen to be right, my little guy will be a good 8 1/2 pounds if he comes on his due date..I know not huge...but I think he has a large head too!

This has been a long journey for me. When I got married the doctor confirmed I had PCOS and DH and I started to use the Creighton model charting system coupled with different meds. It took over a year but I finally got pregnant with this baby using a combination of Actos , Femera, and the help of progesterone supplements.He was my little miracle baby and when I saw the test finally come back positive I literally was in shock with happiness and disbelief. It was one of the happiest moments of my entire life!

My pregnancy for the first 36 weeks has been a joy. I had morning sickeness but got it under control with Zofran. I only got really sick once with a flu like bug and it passed in a few days. I have felt better emotionally than I did before I got pregnant and was taking all those pills and dealing with PCOS horomones. I actually have loved being pregnant and can't wait to do it again!

I guess I was raised in a rather different enviroment than most people. I was taught that every little life was a gift from God. I was taught to respect and cherish the gift of life. I want to have as many babies as I can and I plan too! We life in a time when money is such an issue, but I know families with 14 kids, very little money, and happiness that most people would envy. Having PCOS might mean that this little one is our only baby..but I don't think so. Either way if I have one or I have twelve I know they are each a precious litle gift from God!

That all said, this past week has been hard! Emotionally I am starting to feel the pregnancy ups and downs. I laugh and cry together...I feel like killing my dog who will NOT stop barking, I never feel like making dinner but always feel like eating, I love feeling my baby moving but also wish he would slow it down, and I am just DONE with being pregnant this time around. I will miss the beautiful journey it has been...but I am ready to move on to raising my little one.

I have a feeling when I go into labor I am going to be scared to death at first. I didn't take the birth classes because I wasn't to keen on the idea and because we can't afford them right now. This month has been the tightest finacially do to doctor bills and unexpected things ( like termites!). I feel like I have a rather layed back approach about my labor. I have never done it before, and maybe next time I will have a plan..but for now I am just planning to pray it all goes well and let it happen,living in the moment of it. Honestly, I dont really ever entertain the idea of a C-section but I guess I figure why worry about all those things that could or could not happen? In the end we never know when or how our babies are going to come.

I have several friends who are pregnant right along with me. One is due pretty much now..and I keep waiting to hear news. I texted her about something yesterday and I didn't hear anything, so I wonder if she might be having her baby! The other is a few weeks behind..and than a few more behind her. It is such an exciting time! My sister in law is due 4 days after me, and I think I am going to be so mad if she goes first! But, it is her third and she is usually induced early so we shall see..

Honestly I feel like he could come any day now. My body feels different and I can tell that it is changing and getting ready. Braxton Hicks has been with me from about 18 weeks but they are getting more common and much stronger now. The pelvic pain and pressure increases daily and I have started having those sharp shooting pains as baby pushes downward still more. He seems very low...his little feet are kicking me closer to my hips instead of up in my rib cage. As I get further along the anticipation is going to build I have no idea how I am going to deal with the restlessness I feel now! I guess that is why I started writing here!

I guess the last few weeks are always the hardest to get through, especially for first time moms. I know that when he comes I will be facing even more challenges...but I also know that being a mother is one of the greatest and most special gifts on earth. We get to do what no one else can do. we get to grow a particular life within is, which is unique and special and unrepeatable. We have the chance to shape and mold a person into something wonderful. I sometimes worry about failing as a mother or doing something wrong...but than I remember that if God gives us a baby He is telling us that He trusts us and we can do it with His help. After all they belong to Him first!

Anyway, it is so nice to just vent some thoughts here and I think I will probably be doing it often until my little guy makes his appearance. I don't care if they get read or not...its enough to just write it out!

[BeccaMenk]

Welll two days have passed and pretty much uneventful. My body is def going through alot right now. Two nights I woke up with a terrible urge to clean the garage and of course I couldn't in the middle of the night..which set me into tears because I felt I had to do it and I really just wanted to sleep...crazy!

Last night I woke up running to the bathroom..this time to throw up instead of pee. The baby feels like a brick in there when I lay down and sleep is geting so hard! Everytime I move, he moves for awhile too. I guess he is trying to get comfortable too. I am so tired all the time from lack of sleep...but I am learning to deal with it.

The pressure and pain in my pelvis is getting rough too...constant now instead of on and off. And, you have to love those sharp shooting pains! I havent been checked for dialation at all since my doctor doesn't really do that unless you ask, and I don't really see the point in knowing anyway...I will just be dissappointed if there is nothing and in the end it means very little about when you will have the baby. Why go through the pain of checking?

I need to stay busy to pass the time...but it seems my body is sort of making it impossible. I think that I am just getting ready for dealing with a sleepless baby at night. I get up at least every two hours now to pee and it takes me awhile to go back to sleep. Then during the day I have to nap to deal with the lack of sleep. Normally I would just stick it out without a nap to help me sleep at night...but I figure I might as well get used to it now and it will easier to deal with the little one when he comes..maybe it is a blessing!

Well thats my discomfort rant..I feel like I have entered a whole new stage in this pregnancy and sort of in life...I feel different...and off...but in some ways it makes me happy to know its a sign baby could be coming anyday!!

[BeccaMenk]

Ugh....pain. I just feel increasingly yuky...and the shooting pains have taken on a whole new life of their own. They have turned from knife pains to swords going through my cervix and vagina. OUCH! I just had the worst one even and I swore I would get up and see blood everywhere..but nope. I hope whatever baby was doing to cause that one...it was worth it!

Good news, even though it means so little is that I am about 3cm dialated...yeah I know the normal stuck stage that can last for weeks. At least it means promise!

Anyway, I am supposed to be going grocery shopping but I feel so tired and yuky I dont want to even think of it....but the walking would do me some good I am sure...maybe a nap and then off!

[BeccaMenk]

Another day... Lots of useless contractions last night even though I could time them. Extreme pressure in my pelvis....So going crazy now. Aches and pains and occasional cramps...I am just not good at waiting and I could still have another 3 weeks or so! Going out to try and keep busy today but nothing sounds very exciting and I know I am just going to get tired. I am soo done with this pregnancy! I loved it till now...and now I just want him out...out out out!