[Cylence]

This might be kind of long....


Yesterday's news that hubby went ahead and took his vacation has me... moderately irritated.
I've been looking at both sides of this for a few hours and, I think I just need everyone's perspective. I doubt I'll go crazy psycho on him, but I definitely feel like this is something we need to talk about. (NOT like it'll change a **** thing, but it doesn't need to be left as is....)

Eric has been at his workplace for a year now and they allow 40 hrs vacation for 1 yr employees. 5 days. (7, counting the weekend, 9 if you count the weekend prior)
I asked him to take his vacation AFTER I was out of the hospital. Why? So that I would have his help for those 9 days.
He works M-F from 6am to 2:30pm - I figured, with his schedule, and his ability to call out and use 1 freakin day of PTO for baby's arrival, I could be at the hospital for 2, maybe 3 days, with the assistance of family and friends and he would still be able to be there, after work. With the induction date set for Wednesday (and feeling like that's how it's going to happen anyways), it would give me, MAYBE 1 day of being with baby for a few hours, by myself, at home (and most likely, his mother) - Friday. So, Saturday would have been a good 'start' day for his vacation. (I really hope all that made sense..)

He comes home from work and a friend stops by... They're talking about how Eric is so glad to not have to look at his workplace for the next 9 days.....

Me: You took your vacation early?
Eric: Yes, I did. It's not just about the baby, it's about me needing some space before I wind up quitting that place.

..........

His friend was over & I wasn't about to discuss it in front of company, but.....
I understand that work is pissing him off. I get it, I REALLY do.... (he comes home, sometimes, and the things he tells me makes ME want to call up there and quit for him...) HOWEVER.... I need him home for those 9 freakin days, so that I can have some assistance after bringing this child home...
I've voiced my concern of post-partum depression with him (quick fyi: I suffer severe anxiety and have a tendency to get very very depressed, very quickly, when it comes to dramatic changes... ) ..... I've told him that I'm not going to be able to do this by myself for the 1st week or 2... I'll need time to adjust, as well...


So... each day, starting tomorrow, from here until I have Taryn, decreases the amount of time that I will have him home to help me, when I need it.
If I DO go all the way up until induction day (Wednesday)... that puts me at the hospital until at least Thursday afternoon... leaving Eric at home with me for 3 days before having to go to work......




What would you do and/or say to your SO in this instance? I'm thinking fairly clearly, I'd say, and I feel like this is a legitimate reason to be upset, but how do I get it across to him that this "vacation" wasn't ABOUT him... it was about needing his full support in adjusting to OUR new family..... this new child....

[Jessimaaka]

That sucks. Sorry to hear he did that. My DH is begging me every night to go into labour so he doesn't have to go to work. I'd shoot him if he just went ahead and booked it. Is having him take a few unpaid days feasible? Do you have anyone else nearby that can help? Hugs. This IS a legit reason to be upset, it's not fair to you. I hope you don't make it to your induction so you get more time to adjust with his assistance.

[Cylence]

I don't know if he'll take (or can take) a couple unpaid days or not. That is something I could ask him about, maybe just til the following Tuesday or something. Hmmm... Thanks for the idea. If he is able to, it might keep me from killing him as intensely as I'd currently like to....

[berryblue031]

I think you will be ok. Honestly it's nice to be alone with the baby - nobody telling you how to do things, nobody criticizing how you do things, nobody else needing your attention when the baby is sleeping, nobody else depending on you.

You can wake up with the baby, and nap with the baby (and if your smart that's exactly what you will do sleep anytime you can), and not have to worry about another darn thing it's awesome!

If he is home by 3pm then there is lots of time for him to come home and make dinner.

When my DH was home after the baby was born I just wanted him out lol - we were both tired and irritable and when he was home I felt more obligated to make 3 meals a day, tidy up the house, and tidy up myself lol.. and we had different sometimes conflicting opinions on how to do things which was very frustrating.

[Mountain~Mama]

I think you are much stronger than you do. You might be surprised and actually ENJOY having time alone with Taryn right away. Those were some of the happiest days of my life. Brand new babies eat, sleep and poop. Even though you may be tired, they are pretty simple to take care of (just wait until they are toddlers!!) Create yourself a spot in your house where you have everything you need, snacks, drinks, book, computer, phone, tv... whatever and hunker down with Taryn and enjoy your little newbie. Try to have someone lined up to come over if you need help, bring you lunch and check in on you and I bet you will be more than fine. He will be home mid afternoon and can take over for you then.

I get that it's frustrating - my husband took one day off when Sam was born and will do the same this time too. It would be nice to have more help but when you become a mom, you get these strange super powers where you can handle more than you ever thought you could before.

And you will have us too.

[Mod-Lady Valkyrie]

Is he not entitled to paternity leave on top of his vacation?

I can understand him being impatient but I think what he has done is very, very selfish Jacque. I really hope you go into labour SOON and have a quick birth so you can get some support before he goes back to work.

[Cylence]

With him going back to work so soon, I just fear he will expect the same routine as before the child.
He'll come home, his **** will be all over the house and he'll complain that he's oh so tired, expect me to cook dinner and make his lunch for the next day... while he plays his video games and takes an after work nap...

I'm hoping that fear is just from these hormones, but some of the talks we've had lately, makes me wonder.

Originally Posted by Lady Valkyrie

Is he not entitled to paternity leave on top of his vacation?

I can understand him being impatient but I think what he has done is very, very selfish Jacque. I really hope you go into labour SOON and have a quick birth so you can get some support before he goes back to work.

Sadly, no, his workplace does not offer paternity leave. I thought it was weird, too, but what can you do?

[Mod-Lady Valkyrie]

well boo them, that's disgusting. Is he actually looking for a new job? sounds like he ought to be!!

What he will have to remember when he comes home from work is that you are also working 24/7 and he will need to do some of the baby or housework as well as working. If ever you need to talk I am here. I went through similar crap with my ex to be honest.

[Mountain~Mama]

Yeah, I agree with Sharron, set some expectations now so he knows what he is coming home to. Have you made any freezer meals that he could just pop in the oven when he gets home? Maybe he could take left overs for lunch? You could always make a list of things for him to do too.

And definitely sleep when Taryn does. Get ALL the sleep you can!

[berryblue031]

Originally Posted by Cylence

With him going back to work so soon, I just fear he will expect the same routine as before the child.

Ahhh if that's what the worry is that's easy to fix!
DH: "Honey what's for dinner?"
You: "Well the baby is having me and we're having cereal unless you can run to the store for groceries and make something, please get me some microwave lunches and bananas too while you are out so I can keep up with feeding the baby"

DH: "Honey what's for lunch?"
You: "ZzzzZZZZzzz"

DH: "Honey do you mind if a I take a nap"
You: "Yes I do, you work 8hrs a day 5 days a week compared to my 24 / 7, please watch the baby while I have a shower & brush my teeth, when I am done I will take the baby back and you can start dinner"

DH: *heading towards his video games*
You: "Honey before you do that X and X and X needs to be done and please put X and X and X away, it's hard for me to take care of the baby and not feel stressed out when the house is a mess and people are coming over all the time at random to see the baby"

The routine change needs to happen from Day 1 stick to your guns and he will get used to it.

[Cylence]

I don't want to sound like my hubby is a horrible person, he really isn't... he just sometimes doesn't get it. At all. And this is a new baby for the both of us. He's under the impression, I guess, that babies are simple. I'll have her, be in the hospital a couple days and then I'll be fine. She'll eat & sleep and that's pretty much it. I really hope that after she's here, he SEES that it's not that simple. I've never HAD a kid and I'm aware of the stress a new mom goes through.... which is what concerns me with my own emotional issues... *sigh*

He doesn't mind his job so much as he hates the people that operate it. It's a family owned business and for the most part, they are very giving when it comes to family. Paternity leave just so happens to be something they don't offer.

[magz88]

I have anxiety issues too and I totally understand the losing it at the drop of a hat - especially if stressful things don't go as 'planned'.

Hopefully the few extra days off before the baby gets here will relax your husband so that he can be more of a help to YOU after the baby. He is going through a life-changing event too and maybe really needs the recharge.

He will realize pretty quickly that the old routine prebaby is out the window!

There is nothing you can really do since he has taken the time off anyhow - being angry will just sour things. Try to enjoy the last few days that you have as a childless couple.

[afwifey09]

Originally Posted by Cylence

Me: You took your vacation early?
Eric: Yes, I did. It's not just about the baby, it's about me needing some space before I wind up quitting that place.

I'm sorry... WHAT?

That vacation time is absolutely ONLY about the baby, as of 9 months ago, everything he does is only about that baby and should be his number one priority, whether she's still in the womb or not. And he should respect your very valid concerns about needing him around in the days after giving birth, not sitting around on his *** twiddling his thumbs in the days before and when you're in the hospital and there's really nothing he can do anyway. Not to mention the stupidity of threatening to quit a job when you're expecting a baby any hour now, I don't care how unhappy he is.

For what its worth, my DH thinks babies are all rainbows and lollipops too and I know he's in for a rude awakening, but at least he's not making any stupid comments like that.

Now that I'm done telling you how I feel about that comment from him, I agree with the others in that you're going to do amazing with and without his help. I think being a parent comes naturally a lot faster to mommy than it does daddy anyway and he might just be a frustration in the beginning when you're tired and just want to get her taken care of and back down. And since our babies are going to share a birthday (), you know I'll be up and around FB and here at all hours of the day if you ever need someone to talk to!

[Pinkhighheels27]

You have every right to be upset with him. I agree with the other ladies here...start setting the expectation that his "break" is NOT a vacation.

((hugs))

[aubers68]

Everyone offered great advice and comfort but I still wanted to
Give you some hugs!!

[Cylence]

Thanks guys, putting down some expectations is a great idea. I think today he's going to help me clean this house back up before baby gets here. To include some pre-making of food that he can throw in the oven, after she's here.

[K.A.T]

Ugh men and their thinking. I'm sorry he did that. Mine only took the day I delivered off. The next two we're somewhat half days if you can even call it that. Then he asks me why am I not asking him for help with the baby. Gee maybe because I've been taking care of him on my on from the start! I kinda don't need you and your micro management. Yes, he tries to micro manage how I feed the baby. I'm thankful for my mom cause she's been cooking and the girls have been cleaning for the most part. Yet, DH still acts like he's doing everything and no one else is doing a thing. DOH!

Sorry didn't mean to hijack your vent.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using Forum Runner

[LadyCoconut]

Google some stuff about the 4th trimester and print it out for him. I seriously had the mindset that nursing my baby would be a 40 hour a week job and that the first 12 weeks was seriously for bonding and snuggling my baby. DH was a saint and looekd at it like "your full time job is to care for our baby. my full time job is my job. the household chores like cooking and cleaning are OUR responsibiity to share, and its expected that a lot of it will fall by the wayside for the first little bit."

And honestly... the first week was the best week of our lives. Baby was sooo easy. She slept all the time and we had to wake her up to eat and we were so excited to be with her that it was exciting to wake up that first little while, lol. And since I wasn't working and didn't have any other kids or obligations, I really could sleep when she slept and I wasn't overtired or super stressed. You CAN do this.

My biggest issue is that he made this decision to take the time off without consulting you. Your feelings should matter and have been taken into consideration. Sure you will survive without him, but he's missing some of the BEST MOMENTS when you guys can bond and adjust to being a family of three so that he can have a few days to relax now? Its such a waste.

and if he's been working at his company full time long enough to accumulate some vacay days, then he should qualify for FMLA, which as you probably know is up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave where your job is guarenteed. So IF for some reason things don't go as planned and you do really NEED him off -- or he just gets a wake up call and decides to take more time off, he legally can, he'll just have to go to HR and fill out that stuff like most moms do for maternity leave.