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Forum: July, August & September 2012 Playroom

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  • 4 Post By palmetto_moon
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  #1  
February 11th, 2012, 10:13 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I know this is kind of a sensitive subject around here, but I need some advice. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings.

I friend of mine announced her pregnancy on Facebook last week, and announced her miscarriage this evening. I'm more friends with her husband than I am with her, but my heart aches for her just the same, and she is on my friend's list (as is her husband, of course).

I was planning to Facebook this baby on the 20th (just over a week from tonight), after my ultrasound, so I could post it with a picture. Should I still do it? She was about a week behind me, and I feel like maybe it will just rub all those feelings raw if I'm like "wooo, baby!" right in the shadow of her loss..

What would you do?
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  #2  
February 11th, 2012, 11:06 PM
Parker'sMommy's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon
Posts: 290
When you make a post on Facebook there is an option in the lower right corner that says Friends...if you click on it and then click on Custom a window will pop up that says "hide this post from". You can type in people on your friends list and it will hide the post from them. My suggestion would be to hide the post from your friend and her husband.

I realize you probably don't want to make it look like you are being sneaky or excluding them either...but just a thought.
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  #3  
February 11th, 2012, 11:41 PM
palmetto_moon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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That's a tough one. On one hand I can totally see how it could be hurtful to them, on the other hand, this is a happy occassion for you and deserves to be shared.
From personal experience, I had two miscarriages in 2011. Even though my heart hurt, I was still very happy to hear when a friend was pregnant. I would NEVER have wanted them not to announce their pregnancy b/c I lost mine. And if they'd told everyone and not me, that would have made me feel worse. But yet, it DID sting a bit each time I'd hear someone else get a BFP. But that's life, it would be unreasonalbe for me to think people wouldn't post their exciting news. And I wouldn't want them not to.
There is really no easy answer to this one. You could just go ahead and post, maybe send her and inbox letting her know personally and tell her you are thinking of her or maybe you could hold off a week or two extra and then announce...I wish I had better advice. I think it's a hard situation that you are in...
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  #4  
February 11th, 2012, 11:51 PM
MJTKNT's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Couldn't agree with the above more. I know you want to protect your friend, but if you shelter her too much and hide the announcement from her it could do the opposite of protecting her and maker her feel left out. While seeing the news may make her sad or sting a little, I am sure she will want to celebrate you and your new baby. The sometimes sad and unfortunate part of life is that the past cannot be changed. We have to move on, and can't do that if the world keeps us from knowing what the future holds.
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  #5  
February 12th, 2012, 05:41 AM
DaniM0820's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I would give her a heads up about the pregnancy first before posting on Facebook. I never had a loss but it took us a while to conceive that it did help to be prepared and not just see an announcement on Facebook an start bawling.
I will admit though (not that I'm proud of it...) that I did unfriend and block some posts from people just so I didn't have to read about their babies or how horrible they were feeling when all I wanted was to feel the same way.

Good luck, I hope everything works out.
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  #6  
February 12th, 2012, 08:40 AM
3Sapphires's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I would probably tell her first. I know how hard it was to see pregnancy announcements after my loss, if they were good friends I would have preferred a message to let me know.

Don't be surprised if she hides you on FB - in the months and months after our M/C while we were ttc, I had about 40% of my friends hidden so I wouldn't have to see their baby updates.
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  #7  
February 12th, 2012, 09:32 AM
JennaBee's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't think you should censor you joy to spare their pain. Life goes on and although loss to any degree is tragic (I lost a 2nd trimester angel in Jan and twins in May) it's part of life. They may hide you etc. For me I HATED being "spared" it seemed everyone didn't want to talk about pregnancy or children around me after Elianna passed. And that made me feel just awful. I'm still me and although grieving still wanted to celebrate with others in the many joys and blessings of life. I say go ahead and do your thang!
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  #8  
February 12th, 2012, 10:06 AM
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Thanks, Ladies. I've never met her in real life (just her husband) so I think I'll send him a PM ahead and time, just to let him know. She was carrying the baby, but I know he's hurting too. I wouldn't specifically try to hide it from them (like not let them see the status update), I was just considering postponing my announcement until maybe things were a little less raw. I'll send him a PM and then just do the announcement probably.

And yeah, I'm not gonna be at all surprised or hurt if she hides me for a while. I'd much rather be hidden than unintentionally hurtful.
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  #9  
February 12th, 2012, 11:53 AM
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I'm so glad you posted this- I'm unfortunately in a very similar situation- in my case my friend knows I'm pregnant- we were looking forward to going through it together

I've been planning on facebooking our announcement at 12 weeks (next week). I might hold off a little longer- I hate that updates could be painful reminders for her, but we have some veery excited family far and wide that are gonna want to hear every single milestone. Rock and a hard place.
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  #10  
February 12th, 2012, 01:28 PM
Bobb's Avatar Veteran
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I became friends with this girl on a TTC forum, she helped me a lot with some medical advice and moral support. And when she announced she was pregnant, I cried tears of joy. We took it a step further to the messenger list and used to chat everyday. And then I told her I got pregnant so it was double happiness. Unfortunatelly, she had a misc. around 10 weeks. It just broke my heart and I told her that. She was the one supporting me, telling me how she's fine and they will investigate the reasons and try it over and over until they have their baby.
We still talk everyday, she sometimes asks me how I am, I tell her really few details about my pg, but I don't hide from her. We try to keep it normal, but somehow go around the details.
I say you talk to her husband, tell him you will announce your pregnancy next week and you want him to prep his wife, maybe suggest they both hide you on facebook. After I lost the baby, I deleted my fb account, I cut all communications with everyone. I just didn't respond well to others being happy. That's why I'm keeping my good news just for us, on one part protecting us from the world and on the other side, protecting somebody out there from our wonderful news.
And when you talk to him/her, maybe try not to tell them how everything will be ok, how they will soon have their baby and live happily ever after. I so hated when people assured me my life would change into a fairytale, if only I snap my fingers 3 times and forget about my baby...
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  #11  
February 12th, 2012, 06:45 PM
JulieMc's Avatar Loving my babies. :)
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I would post it. It's unfortunate what happened to her, but her sad news shouldn't take away from your happy news. And I don't think you need to seek her out and tell her in advance...if anything, that might make it hurt more because she's forced to respond to you if its done in person or verbally on the phone. On Facebook, if it is too painful, she can just choose to ignore it.
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  #12  
February 12th, 2012, 06:50 PM
GiftsfromGod's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I guess it is really hard because everyone is so different. If it was me it would be more painful to have someone contact me (or my husband) personally to tell them ahead of time. It would make me feel embarrassed and make me wonder if everyone felt awkward around me. I would just make the announcement on FB as planned and if it is too much for her then she can choose to hide your updates.
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  #13  
February 13th, 2012, 07:12 AM
RunningMommyTo5's Avatar Marathoning Mom to 4!
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I agree with the advice you've already received. Send her a PM and tell her how very sorry you are for their loss and you are sensitive to her feelings and wanted to give her a heads up on your announcement. I've been in her shoes, and while it does hurt to hear of others' news after your loss, you're still happy for them and can't wait for it to be your news. I think letting her know ahead of the announcement will show that you are being sensitive to her and her feelings.
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  #14  
February 13th, 2012, 08:51 AM
momma_d's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think everyone has given great advice and I'm just popping in for moral support!
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  #15  
February 13th, 2012, 10:40 AM
Moldovandish's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I've been on the other side before and it definitely hurts, but it helps for the person to know in advance. One of my best friends became pregnant around the time I miscarried. She did not tell me right away, but waited a while before letting me know, so that I don't have to deal with her news at the same time as going through the pain of the loss.
If it's a good friend, I would definitely communicate with her first and express how sorry you are.
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  #16  
February 13th, 2012, 03:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GiftsfromGod View Post
I guess it is really hard because everyone is so different. If it was me it would be more painful to have someone contact me (or my husband) personally to tell them ahead of time. It would make me feel embarrassed and make me wonder if everyone felt awkward around me. I would just make the announcement on FB as planned and if it is too much for her then she can choose to hide your updates.
See, this would be me, too. I wouldn't want a heads up, I'd want to be treated like everyone else. This is why I asked though, because I'm usually not like other people, and I wasn't sure if I was the norm or the exception. From this thread, it sounds like you and I are the exception, hehe.
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  #17  
February 13th, 2012, 06:50 PM
JulieMc's Avatar Loving my babies. :)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SandyBeachSomewhere View Post
See, this would be me, too. I wouldn't want a heads up, I'd want to be treated like everyone else. This is why I asked though, because I'm usually not like other people, and I wasn't sure if I was the norm or the exception. From this thread, it sounds like you and I are the exception, hehe.
I would not want to be singled out and told ahead of time either...
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  #18  
February 13th, 2012, 06:55 PM
MJTKNT's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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^^ Me either...unless it was like, my sister or best friend...
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