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Disappointed relatives.


Forum: July, August & September 2012 Playroom

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  • 2 Post By Blessed Mommy Of 5
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  #1  
February 13th, 2012, 02:07 PM
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Hi there. I know I don't post much but I this is one of those situation I can't vent about on Facebook, because my mom is on Facebook. I'm too chicken to delete her. I suck.

Anyway, she and my dad have always expressed concern with shades of disappointment every time I tell them I'm pregnant. Hubby has a great job and we've been married over 12 years and are stable. But still, they worry and think we should stop having kids since we're not homeowners. Nevermind housing is unaffordable here, but whatever. I just told her I'm pregnant with #4 yesterday and she surprised me be asking to be present during the birth. She said she felt bad that she'd missed all the other babies births. I told her I'd be happy to host her after the baby came. She said no, she wanted to be there when he/she comes. She was crying on the phone when I told her absolutely not. I wasn't unkind, I just explained that's it's too intense and personal and that I don't want anyone there.

I'm a homebirther and I cannot be disturbed during labor. I don't want anyone to talk to me, dont touch me and I sure don't want anyone hearing me grunting and such. Even the midwife annoys me at times but she knows and will back off. I don't care if my husband or kids are there, they were last time, but they're my family and I took comfort from them. I know she is too, but we're no longer close. She was a great mom growing up but we live 800 miles apart now. I see her 3-4 times a year.

How do you smooth this over? Anyone go through something similar? I know I made the right choice but I feel so icky having hurt her feelings so badly.
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  #2  
February 13th, 2012, 07:31 PM
Blessed Mommy Of 5's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Indiana
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I am not currently in your situation; but I have been in a similar situation with my mother about the birth of my youngest daughter. She wanted to be there as well. I also told her no. I feel that the birth of my children is very private and I do not want anyone other than DH and the OB and nurses present. My mother was upset when I told her no; but we had also grown apart over the years and I also rarely even saw her. After I had my daughter she basically let the whole thing go, she never brought up the fact that I wouldn't allow her to be present during childbirth. The only advice I can give is that you explain to her how you feel about your baby's birth and that you would find it uncomfortable to have her present. You can't focus on having your baby when you can't be relaxed as possible. She may be hurt right now, but I am sure once she has a chance to really think it over she will realize that you aren't intentionally trying to hurt her feelings. You just have to do what works best for you.
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  #3  
February 13th, 2012, 07:49 PM
palmetto_moon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I couldn't have said it any better! I think she may feel very disappointed at the moment, but that will fade when she has the opportunity to bond with her grandchild. It may be that she is really regreting letting your close relationship become more distant and really wants that closeness again and feels that attending your birth would do that.
I would just focus on all that she can share with you and the baby if she visits shortly after the birth. I thik its the closeness and the bond that she is really after.
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  #4  
February 13th, 2012, 08:09 PM
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Sorry this is so not helpful, but do you live in LA?
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  #5  
February 13th, 2012, 09:15 PM
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Thanks ladies. I spoke with my sister earlier and my mom is more bent than I thought. I'm hoping that she'll feel better about everything in time.

Daffodil - not quite. We're in Huntington Beach. Good guess though! Did the housing prices comment give me away?
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  #6  
February 14th, 2012, 04:31 AM
smashley8's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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It kind of sounds like your mom is trying to make amends with you in a way, since she expressed disappointment in your previous children. By telling you she wants to be present for the birth of this one, she's letting you know that she approves and wants to be there as much as she can. I would just keep reassuring her that you appreciate her being supportive and can't wait until she can meet her grandchild, but that you're just not comfortable with anyone but your husband and kids being at the birth.
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  #7  
February 14th, 2012, 05:23 AM
JennaBee's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm in a similar boat. With DD1 we had everyone there. It was not what I wanted but i went for it to please everyone. With DD2 my sister came and my mom was supposed to be there but because of some miscommunication between THEM she missed it by 10 min the weeks following DD2s birth were pure hell. She apparently took it as I never wanted her there and Sis had intentionally told her to wait so she'd miss it and blahblah self absorbing blah. This time I told her ONLY Dh would be there and she's all bent out of shape about it. I figured by eliminating everyone it could keep everyone pleased. At the end of the day you need to do what is best for you- you can't please everyone!
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  #8  
February 14th, 2012, 06:07 AM
RunningMommyTo5's Avatar Marathoning Mom to 4!
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The other ladies have already given you some great advice. I don't have anything to add to it other than I agree with them, and to give you some (((hugs))). I think all will fade once the baby is here.
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  #9  
February 14th, 2012, 06:28 AM
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I'm also going to agree with everyone else, you ladies give such awesome, level headed advice.

Your mom sounds as if she is acting very childishly. It may have been a comfort to her when she was giving birth to have a room full of people, but it sounds as though you have explained very clearly you like a little alone time. She should respect you and respect your wishes.

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  #10  
February 14th, 2012, 06:35 AM
Dee
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I think the advice above is great, and don't have anything to add other than a little moral support.

Also, I hope they lay off about the home ownership thing. Some people have a hard time accepting that the landscape of financial security is not the same now as it used to be, and owning a house is no longer a sure sign of stability. You have to go with what works for you.
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  #11  
February 14th, 2012, 07:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCalMommyto4soon View Post

Daffodil - not quite. We're in Huntington Beach. Good guess though! Did the housing prices comment give me away?
LOL yes... we used to live in Playa Vista (not TOO far from Huntington)...now we are in Calabasas. I HATE how expensive it is to live here!!! Absolutely ridiculous. Can't beat the weather though!
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  #12  
February 14th, 2012, 08:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
LOL yes... we used to live in Playa Vista (not TOO far from Huntington)...now we are in Calabasas. I HATE how expensive it is to live here!!! Absolutely ridiculous. Can't beat the weather though!
I can feel your guys pain, lol. I used to live in Oceanside (northernmost city in San Diego County) Housing prices were one of the largest reasons I didn't stay in CA
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  #13  
February 14th, 2012, 08:20 AM
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We used to live in SoCal too... Ventura actually. But we also moved away because the cost of living is just absurd. All of DH's family still lives there though.

And I agree with the advice everyone has given. I get really irritated when people just assume they can invite themselves to someone else's birth experience. It is a very private and vulnerable time and you have to do what YOU are comfortable with, and unfortunately, sometimes that happens at the expense of hurting some feelings.
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  #14  
February 14th, 2012, 11:22 AM
PiXeYstyx's Avatar Veteran
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I'm sorry this is completely off topic to what you are talking about with your mother since I really can't help you with your issue between you and her. But I can help you with Facebook and being able to hide posts you want to make and making sure the people you don't want to see it wont.

When ever you go to make a post click on where it says Public, friends, Etc right next to the Post button. Chose Custom then chose the Hide from Area then type where it says people/ list all the names of the people you don't want to see whatever post you want to make. You can also do this for photos or anything else really. I have found this feature to be super helpful. Hope that helps your facebook problem. GL
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  #15  
February 14th, 2012, 02:16 PM
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Thank you for all the advice an support. My mom is normally very level headed and this really threw me for a loop. I know she wishes she was able to have a relationship with my kids and I feel bad that they hardly know her. Up until this I was sort of hoping they'd move back.

Pixeystix - thank you so much! I knew I could block certain people but I'm always worried that things will show up in the ticker and then maybe she could see it? I hope not. I'm sure not a fan of that ticker!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
LOL yes... we used to live in Playa Vista (not TOO far from Huntington)...now we are in Calabasas. I HATE how expensive it is to live here!!! Absolutely ridiculous. Can't beat the weather though!
Quote:
Originally Posted by YumPickles View Post
I can feel your guys pain, lol. I used to live in Oceanside (northernmost city in San Diego County) Housing prices were one of the largest reasons I didn't stay in CA
Quote:
Originally Posted by momma_d View Post
We used to live in SoCal too... Ventura actually. But we also moved away because the cost of living is just absurd. All of DH's family still lives there.
We love living by the beach but now that our family is growing, we're done with apartments. It's just so darn expensive here even if the area is beautiful. We're moving inland next month, land of 200 degree summers. Blah! At least we'll have a bigger place.

We've been discussing moving away, due to the high cost of living. We're just not even sure how to start. We don't know anyone anywhere else and he has a great job right now and I'm not sure he could transfer.
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  #16  
February 14th, 2012, 04:55 PM
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Come join me in the valley!!! WE can die of heat together!
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  #17  
February 14th, 2012, 05:49 PM
YumPickles's Avatar Veteran
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCalMommyto4soon View Post


We love living by the beach but now that our family is growing, we're done with apartments. It's just so darn expensive here even if the area is beautiful. We're moving inland next month, land of 200 degree summers. Blah! At least we'll have a bigger place.

We've been discussing moving away, due to the high cost of living. We're just not even sure how to start. We don't know anyone anywhere else and he has a great job right now and I'm not sure he could transfer.
I really miss the beach. We lived just a few blocks from it. Heavenly. There were a number of reasons I moved, housing prices was the biggest, but there were other factors too If I could get the weather and the beach with the people, housing prices, and state government of TX, I'd be there in a heartbeat

I hope you will keep us updated on the situation with your mom! Hopefully she just needs time to chill out and see it from your point of view.
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  #18  
February 14th, 2012, 07:36 PM
palmetto_moon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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We also used to live in SoCal...in San Diego. DH was in the Marine Corps and we were stationed on Miramar. I loved it. There's no way we could ever afford to live there not in the service though. So when DH got out, we moved to St. Louis. We loved CA though.
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  #19  
February 15th, 2012, 08:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCalMommyto4soon View Post
Pixeystix - thank you so much! I knew I could block certain people but I'm always worried that things will show up in the ticker and then maybe she could see it? I hope not. I'm sure not a fan of that ticker!
Your welcome. And I know what you mean, but I have tested it using my fiance's account just to see and they can no way find out unless they were on another account not theirs that you were friends with too. That would be the only way which is unlikely. Glad I was able to help though in some way
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