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Trying to handle gender disappointment feelings


Forum: July, August & September 2012 Playroom

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  #1  
March 24th, 2012, 09:34 PM
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I've been trying to keep my mind occupied but the fact is..I am so anxious about my ultrasound. It's Monday morning. Some of you may know we decided to be team green early on but *I changed our minds a couple weeks ago. I feel like my gender desire is making me crazy. It's all I can think about and I've been having so many dreams. When I wake up at night to go to the restroom I can't get back to sleep b/c my mind will just not shut off.

DH doesn't understand and I'm sure most of you don't either. I just don't know how to deal with this. No one IRL knows about my strong desire for a boy. I keep imagining the moment I read, It's a Girl on the paper, and my heart sinks and I can't breathe. In order to keep myself from losing it on the exam table and completely embarrasing myself, again, we're going to have the tech write it down and put it in an envelope for us to open at home.

I'm not really asking you girls for anything. Please don't say anything if it's going to make me feel worse. I know it's horrible this feeling I have. I just don't know how to deal with it. Thanks for listening if you've made it this far.
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  #2  
March 24th, 2012, 09:38 PM
RedRose_xo's Avatar Veteran
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I have a DD already, and I keep telling myself that this LO is a girl so I won't be disappointed, because I really want a boy too.
Its a natural feeling. I think you should just prepare to be told a girl so that you won't be too disappointed when you find out. Regardless of any disappointment you feel now, you will love your baby when he or she arrives.
There is no need to be embarrassed, lots of women experience this. Hugs to you, I hope you feel a little better!
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  #3  
March 24th, 2012, 09:46 PM
MrsRestivo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Maybe it will help to wait to find out until his/her birthday. It would be very hard to be disappointed with a beautiful person you birthed staring up at you... I'd really like a boy, but I feel like I'm having a girl just because I want a boy. Think about the good things about having a girl. I don't know if it's your first, but my DD was my first and I loved being able to go crazy with the pink... If it's your second girl, think about how amazing sisters are. Good luck!
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  #4  
March 25th, 2012, 12:20 AM
Blessed Mommy Of 5's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Those feelings are completely normal I really want a boy. I know if I find out I am having a girl I will be disappointed. I will keep my disappointment to myself if that happens and hope that I get over it quickly. There is no doubt about the fact that I will love the baby no matter what the gender is, and I know you feel the same way. It is okay to be disappointed when you have your heart set on a certain gender. You shouldn't feel bad about it. At this point all we can do is hope we both have boys
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  #5  
March 25th, 2012, 05:56 AM
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I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have 3 boys and I so much want a little girl. I have always thought I would have a daughter and this is my very last chance for that (DH is getting snipped in a few months). Every night I think and say to myself "Please be a girl, please be a girl." It doesn't mean you or I will love these babies any less if they aren't the gender we want... it's just we can't help but having this desire. You have to grieve... as much as some people don't understand... you need to. You aren't grieving that you are having a girl... you are grieving that you aren't having a boy. It took me some time to get past the fact that I was having a boy (with DS#2 and 3 but especially 3) and of course, I wouldn't change any of my boys. My advice is have someone you can say anything too... all those thoughts... no matter how bad, you have to get them out without being judged. There were things I said to DH when pregnant with DS#3 that were horrible... I just needed to get them out... even if they weren't true from the second they left my lips. You have to get all those thoughts out or you will wonder and dwell for longer.
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  #6  
March 25th, 2012, 06:15 AM
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I agree with Alyssa above, perhaps you should wait until the birth? As soon as they put that baby in your arms, you probably won't care what it has between it's legs

I think gender disappointment is very normal though, and you shouldn't feel guilty for having those feelings. I am very lucky, I already have two boys and two girls, so whatever this 'bonus' baby is will be fine with me, but I can totally understand wanting to have a certain gender if you have one or more of the other gender already.
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  #7  
March 25th, 2012, 06:22 AM
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On the other hand, many people would say find out now so that you can try and handle your feelings early before the baby comes - and prepare yourself for the opposite outcome of what you wanted! I don't judge people at ALL for feeling this way. In fact I admire that you can come here and talk about it!
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  #8  
March 25th, 2012, 07:23 AM
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I am not having those feelings this time because I already have 2 boys and a girl..but I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter..I just knew I was having a boy..I considered not finding out until D-day just because I knew that once my baby was here it wouldnt matter..Finally I resolved myself to having 3 boys..Honestly..even if you end up with another girl..When you finally see your baby it won't matter..
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  #9  
March 25th, 2012, 07:25 AM
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I think you should find out now too if you think/know you'll have gender disappointment. My cousin and his wife didn't find out and they swore up and down the baby was a boy...when SHE was born, they were sort of like "oh, it's a girl!" I felt bad.

Those feelings are completely normal! My sister was hysterical after she found for a day b/c she wanted a boy SO BAD but after that, she got over it and accept that she'll be a mommy to a girl
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  #10  
March 25th, 2012, 07:26 AM
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I am in the exact same boat. This is out last baby and my desire for a girl is overwhelming. Not that I wouldn't love another boy, but I want a girl....
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  #11  
March 25th, 2012, 07:33 AM
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Thank you everyone for your kind words. It felt good to get it out there. Of course it goes without saying I will love this baby no matter what the gender is. DH and I have waited 5 years to have this little one and we want another child, not just a boy.

It's just me who is really out of control. I have my 2 beautiful daughters and this baby will be the last one. We initially were going to wait until birth because I figured too, that I couldn't be disappointed when I was holding my precious baby in my arms. It's just over the last several weeks I've been having almost like anxiety attacks over this. I wake up and can't breathe and just cry in the middle of the day. I think for me, it would just be better to know now. I can grieve and then get over it. THat's my hope atleast. Thanks again for understanding.
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  #12  
March 25th, 2012, 07:35 AM
Sprinkle 2010's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I posted about gender disappointment a few weeks ago, too so you are not alone!!! I had an ultrasound and we thought we would be able to find out, but baby didn't cooperate. I have a DD and grew up with brothers. I feel like I missed out on having a sister and would really love to have another girl so I could watch that sister bond through my girls. I know I will love a boy, too, but share your fears of feeling disappointed on ultrasound day.
The best advice I got from these ladies is that its completely NORMAL! And they reminded me that its not that I will feel 'disappointed' if its a boy, but I will be disappointed in missing out on having another girl and watching sisters grow up together.
I agree with the ladies who say to find out early instead of waiting until birthday. I know I am having trouble feeling a huge connection to this baby yet and I know that once I know girl or boy (either one) that will change. I will then be able to plan a nursery and pick a name and get really excited. I think I am preparing myself for a boy and if the tech says girl its just even more of a reason to get excited.

You aren't alone!!! Hugs!!!! (and I hope you get your boy!)
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  #13  
March 25th, 2012, 08:41 AM
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I totally understand 4 girls and no boys yet! there was a special on TLC a couple weeks ago about this matter and it is real. There aren't many out there in the main stream population that only has the same gender each and every time. Hugs I hope your dream comes true and you end up on team blue. Good luck.
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  #14  
March 25th, 2012, 12:55 PM
momma_d's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm just glad you are being so open and real about these feelings because I think we all go through it to some extent, some worse than others. I think its good that you are going to find out and face your feelings now, and you never know, maybe you will be pleasantly surprised on Monday! (I really hope this for you!!)

As we get closer and closer to finding out the gender for us as well, I am desiring a girl again more and more for many reasons. 1- we already have a TON of girl stuff saved from DD and financially it just makes sense 2- DD wants a sister so bad (she talks about it everyday) 3- I never had a sister, and I feel like if she doesn't get one this time, the gap will be too great for her to enjoy it in the future.

I also feel kind of guilty for having these feelings because I know how badly DH wants a boy and sometimes I feel like wanting a girl is going against what he desires. All in all, I am just trying to keep an open mind about all of it and will be happy no matter what
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  #15  
March 25th, 2012, 04:30 PM
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I agree... definitely find out now. It took me a couple weeks to get past the fact that I wasn't having a girl last time. We thought DS#3 was our last so I had to mourn never having a girl. This time we are 100% sure this is our last and if I didn't have the time to mourn (again not that it's mourning for having a boy but mourning never having a girl) then I think I would feel detached a little. The thoughts that go through my mind are long gone by the time the baby is born... I couldn't imagine realizing I would never have a daughter while taking care of my newborn son... I think I would feel guilty after the fact that I had any moments of of thinking "I really wanted a daughter."
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  #16  
March 25th, 2012, 06:23 PM
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I am there too we have 2 boys and would love a girl we plan to find out from our u/s as like you I know I will feel some dissapointment if it is another boy in my situation. I figure finding out now will then make it easier for me to settle for a thrid boy if it comes to that. I very much just want a healthy baby but at the same time I want a girl too. It doesn;t help that I have already been dead set that its another boy
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  #17  
March 25th, 2012, 06:52 PM
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I have three wonderful little boys and this baby will be our last. We did not find out the gender of our third for exactally this reason. I knew I would be dissapointed if it wasn't the girl I had been praying for. It was very hard not knowing and of course family and friends made it more difficult almost angry that we chise not to find out. I certainally wasn't going to tell them that we didn't find out to keep me from being very sad and depressed. I get hyperemesis and have horrible pregancies and knowing I was having another boy would be very hard. Well when HE came out I was fine and in love the moment he was born. He is three now and the sweetest thing ever. Everyone is different but not finding out was the right decision for me at that time. And as for this baby I'm not sure if we will find out I kind of feel like it is what it is and am not so stressed out this time.
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  #18  
March 25th, 2012, 09:48 PM
palmetto_moon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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No judgement here! I understand your feelings one hundred percent! We had five boys in a row when we started having kids...and I grew up wanting a girl more than anything in the world. Don't misunderstand....I LOVE my sons more than life itself, but each time we were pregnant, I couldn't hide the fact that I was darn near desperate for a girl. And each time the tech would say "It's a boy," my heart would drop down a bit, and I would pretend that it was okay (and in the end of course it was) and then secretly when I was alone, I would cry. To top it off, my DH wanted a girl just as badly.
When we got pregnant for the sixth time, we found out it was twins. The silver lining here was that I had two chances for a girl. At our ultrasound the tech almost immediately said "Baby A is definately a boy," and my heart dropped. I just knew that we'd have two more boys. I had to ask for a break to use the bathroom just so I could let out a few tears without making an *** of myself. In the bathroom, I actually prayed for a girl. To my shock, baby B was indeed a little girl and then I ended up with three more after that. But I've never forgotten those feelings of gender disappointment and the guilt I felt b/c of it and how it really was totally okay the minute I looked at my newborn sons and how I'd never trade them, but yet how that didn't stop me from longing for a girl either....
This ultrasound for this baby felt so weird b/c since we had plenty of both gender and b/c of our two miscarriages, this was the absolute first time I honestly had no preferance and it was such a freeing experience.
I guess what I'm saying is that I think your feelings are totally normal and okay. It does not mean at all that you wouldnt' love a little girl. I think you are really awesome for posting your true feelings so that others might not feel so alone.
Good luck tomorrow. Thinking of you!
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  #19  
March 26th, 2012, 07:33 AM
RunningMommyTo5's Avatar Marathoning Mom to 4!
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Your feelings are totally normal. I actually cried a few times before my u/s when I thought about how I'd react if this had been a 4th boy. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have loved the baby any less, but I would have needed to mourn the death of a dream, so to speak. I would've needed to deal with and let go of the loss of being a mom to a girl and then move to on getting excited about a boy. I have to agree with the ladies who said to find out if you think you may need to deal with the disappointment. For me, I would've needed a couple of days to cry and get my feelings out about the loss of a girl, and I would not want to risk pushing those thoughts out of my mind at delivery. Not that everyone would, and you may not, but I wasn't willing to risk it. I wanted to be ready to fully embrace whatever I was having upon delivery, knowing I'd dealt with any grief I needed to ahead of time.

We just did a study in our Bible Study about grief and dealing with death. We actually did a whole lesson on the death of a dream. The death of a dream can be just as heartbreaking and life changing as the death of a loved one. You have to deal with the death of a dream with the same steps of recovery, as well, and then be ready to move on to your "new" life and accept the change. It made so much sense and was so eye-opening to me and it definitely applies to the dream of mothering a certain gender. I knew that God is sovereign and He knew better than me what my family and I needed. I am willing to put 100% faith in that, but it doesn't discount the fact that you still need to deal with the dream dying and move through the stages of grief and be ready to embark on the new dream of being a mom to all one gender, know what I mean? I think that for me, this is one of the reasons that finding out early is beneficial. You've already dealt with the mourning as you've needed to and now you can move on to acceptance and be fully done with the process and ready to welcome another little girl.

All that being said, I refused to let myself get my hopes up about this pregnancy, and told myself that it would be a boy. I thought that would help, but as I said, the closer we drew to finding out, the more I surprised myself by crying at the thought of having to let go of being a mommy to a little girl, again NOT that a boy would've been any less a blessing.

Praying for you!!!!
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Last edited by RunningMommyTo5; March 26th, 2012 at 07:37 AM.
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  #20  
March 26th, 2012, 09:17 AM
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Hoping you find out you are having a little boy
Gender disappointment is common and your feelings are normal *hugs*
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