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I wish people would stop... long vent about wanting a girl


Forum: July, August & September 2012 Playroom

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  #1  
March 28th, 2012, 06:07 AM
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saying things as if anything they will say will help make it an easier if this baby is another boy. I'm sorry for anyone who thinks I'm being ungrateful for the fact that I'm pregnant but I can't help how I feel. I am happy I'm pregnant and I will love this baby regardless but I will need time to accept that I will never have a daughter. I'm tired of people trying to make up reasons of why it will be good if I never have a daughter or telling me that I will have the babies I'm meant to have. Telling me that doesn't make my miscarriages (all 6) any easier, telling me that doesn't make me long for a daughter any less. DH is the only person I can talk to about this because he is the only person I can say anything to and he wont judge me or make those stupid comments. He is the only person that understands my desire because he too wants a little girl. DH wont be here for the anatomy ultrasound and so I know it will be that much harder if the baby is in fact a boy. I have wanted a daughter since I was young... I always thought about the things we would do together... just like men dream of teaching their sons to play sports or teaching them about boy things... I long for that bond with a little girl. My mom and I have a great relationship... I want that with my daughter. I love my boys and wouldn't dream of not having them or one of them being a girl but I can dream about this one being a girl. I don't need comments like "at least you'll never have to pay for a wedding" or "boys are so much easier than girls." Those comments make me feel worse... I wouldn't know that boys are easier because I don't have a daughter to compare that with. I thought I could at least talk with my best friend but after telling her that I was nervous that DH wont be here and that I'll be upset at first if it's a boy she said "you'll be ok, you know that everything happens for a reason and that this is the baby your supposed to have." She knows how much I want a girl and to say that is like a slap in the face. I have been there for her no matter what she was feeling about any situation and she just shrugs off my feelings as if they don't matter. I'm really hoping that when we see DH's family next week and announce the baby that I don't get those comments... I can't handle any more... that's the whole reason we aren't announcing to most people until after we find out.
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  #2  
March 28th, 2012, 06:13 AM
3Sapphires's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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*big hugs*

I am so glad I am not alone in my open desire for a certain sex.

Mostly my hubby and best friend are supportive, but my mom is not. She thinks it would be hilarious if I have another boy - I'm not sure why it would be hilarious. I am a good mom to boys, and enjoy doing boy stuff like catching toads and digging for worms.

You know you will be ok if it is a boy, but you are also allowed to have your feelings about wanting a girl. Screw the people who don't get that.

*hugs* again.
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  #3  
March 28th, 2012, 06:30 AM
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Oh sweetie. I will pray your get your baby girl. I felt that way about a boy. I ALWAYS wanted a little boy, and when I found out my first was a girl, I was okay with it because I wanted more children, and still had a chance to get my boy. When I got pregnant with my son, I had awful thoughts! As much as I love my daughter, and she's perfect; Shes smart and pretty and sweet. Everything I ever dreamed about.. As much as I love her, I had feelings like "If this is another girl, I don't want it." I feel sick now thinking about how i felt.. but it was true. I remember the ultra sound tech saying it didn't matter, it was like Vanilla and Chocolate ice cream: They're both ice cream! I remember thinking about how much i didn't like vanilla ice cream. LoL.. SO i know the comments don't help. But what you are feeling is normal. **HUGS**
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  #4  
March 28th, 2012, 06:31 AM
GeekLover11's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am so sorry I hate when people say things like that. It makes me feel like the feelings that I have are completely wrong and that I shouldn't be having them.

Not like this is the same at all, but I have a strong desire for a boy. It is driving me nuts that people keep saying, "Well because you want a boy so bad, its going to be a girl" or "Girls are so much fun".

What is driving me super nuts is all of the people who are in my life that already have a child. They keep wishing that I have the opposite of what they have. As if it will have some big effect on their life.

Honestly, I just want to tell people to shut up

I am so sorry that DH is the only person IRL that you can share this with. I hope putting it out here will help. Keep your chin up
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  #5  
March 28th, 2012, 06:34 AM
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Both of you know how strong my desire for a certain gender was. It takes a lot of courage for us to come on here and open up about our most inner feelings. I truly believe that unless you go through these emotions yourself, you can never ever understand how they feel. I got so many comments from family and complete strangers that I wanted to smack them across the face. People are so rude and ignorant. It is wonderful that you have your husband to talk with. I am sorry he won't be here for your ultrasound. Us girls will be here for you. *Big Hugs*

When is your scan?
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  #6  
March 28th, 2012, 07:58 AM
curlygirl77's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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firstly ((hugs)). as you know there have been several ladies in this ddc who are wanting a certain gender. don't feel guilty, your feelings are normal, especially after three boys.

anyway, we have had so many boys already i think it's time for some pink in this ddc! i will keep my finges crossed for you
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  #7  
March 28th, 2012, 08:30 AM
smashley8's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I can totally understand how you feel. If anything this will make me stop and think before I make this kind of statement to someone, so thank you for expressing your feelings! I think when people don't know what something feels like, like this situation, they try and say something that they think is appropriate because they don't know what else TO say. I'm sure that most of them don't mean to totally disregard your feelings. You know that all of us are here for you! And I am praying that you get that baby girl!!!!
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  #8  
March 28th, 2012, 08:42 AM
momma_d's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think the way you are feeling is totally natural. Growing up, I always longed for sister and never got one. Instead, I got FOUR brothers. I remember being devastated when we found out my youngest brother was a boy. The fact that I love him just the same is obvious, I wasn't grieving him being a boy, I was grieving the fact that I would never have a sister. I think people tend to reverse it.

On the flip side, remember that a lot of people really don't know how to react to feelings like this. They try and say things that will help, not hurt you. No one is trying to intentionally make you feel worse or give you a verbal "slap in the face", it is simply their way of trying to be supportive when they don't know what else to say.

If you are really really sensitive to people's reactions just tell them that in a nice way! I don't think there is any harm in that! They probably don't even realize that they have hurt your feelings and its best to just have it all in the open that just really just need to vent to someone without feeling judged or asking for their opinions!

((hugs)) I really hope that you get your baby girl and that the next couple weeks go fast for you until you do find out!

Also, have you considered doing what Crystal did and have the tech put the result in an envelope so you can find out where you are comfortable rather than in the room?
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  #9  
March 28th, 2012, 10:21 AM
RunningMommyTo5's Avatar Marathoning Mom to 4!
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I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you're feeling, as I was in the same situation. I also have three boys that I love, adore, and wouldn't trade for anything. They are my world. Of course, if this had been a 4th boy, it wouldn't be that I would love him any less or be any less thankful to be blessed with another child. I would've, however, needed to cry and grieve the loss of my dream of being a mom to a girl. I'd also always dreamed of having one and it would've been so very hard to understand why I wasn't being given that opportunity. I fully trust God and I know He gives me what my family and I need, but that doesn't mean that I can't be sad about my dream dying.

Point blank, you can be thankful, joyful, and feel so very blessed that you are having a 4th boy, and still feel sad about not having your girl. The two feelings are NOT mutually exclusive, and you can't help how you feel. You need to get your emotions out there on the table, express them, and move through the grieving process if this is a boy so that you can move on and be joyful when he's born. It doesn't make you a bad person or a horrible mother, or mean that you love the little boy any less.

I think that people just don't know what to say and they think they are helping, but you're right, they're not. I was upset because everyone told me that they KNEW this would be a girl, and all I could think of was, great...now, if I'm having another boy, not only will I be grieving, so will everyone else in my family. So, hearing that didn't help, either. I think that making the comments about either gender should just be kept quiet until you know for sure. There's no need in unnecessarily upset anyone before anyone knows the outcome. (((hugs)))
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  #10  
March 28th, 2012, 10:44 AM
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You won't get any judgement from me. It took me five boys before I got a set of boy/girl twins (and the girl was baby B). I was desperate for a little girl. And people always said dumb stuff. Your feelings are totally normal and understandable. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with how much you love your sons or how much you would love another son. But the desire to have a daughter is strong. I hope you get your wish.
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  #11  
March 28th, 2012, 11:49 AM
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I had 3 boys plus a step son before I had a girl. I totally get it. We'll be here for you if you need to vent about it.
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  #12  
March 28th, 2012, 02:38 PM
RedRose_xo's Avatar Veteran
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I'm so sorry your friends aren't supportive. I too know how you feel. This will be our last child due to health reasons, and while I'm praying for a boy, my intuition is telling me I'm carrying a girl.
Don't bottle these feelings up, it won't do good. Lots of people don't understand that gender disappointment is a very real thing, which is so sad, because lots of women like you and I don't get the support we need because of it.
It sucks that your DH can't do to the anatomy scan. Is there any other trusted, supportive friend you could take, for moral support?
Praying you have the little girl you want so badly. xx
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  #13  
March 28th, 2012, 02:58 PM
Blessed Mommy Of 5's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm sorry!! I have to agree with the other ladies in that I truly believe people are saying things like that, because they really think that would be the right thing to say. I pray you get your little girl!!

I also think it might be a good idea for you to consider possibly the "gender sealed in an envelope" type of thing, so that you can be with your DH when you find out or someone else you are close to.
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  #14  
March 28th, 2012, 11:19 PM
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*Big hugs*

I've always had a 'family dream' and it was always two boys and then a girl. Ever since I was little, it's all I remember, that dream of my perfect family. I wouldn't love my daughter any less, or be any less excited to have a baby, I would simply be over the moon happy if it were a boy. People sometimes just don't understand that desire. It isn't their fault, they are only trying to help, but sometimesit makes someone feel worse.

If I don't get my boy, I have time, but I know I'll still have some disappointment until she's iny arms.

I hope you get your girl. <3
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  #15  
March 29th, 2012, 04:51 AM
writerchick324's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I remember before I got pregnant and how badly I wanted a child, made worse by infertility. I was told I wouldn't get pregnant unless I went on Clomid, which is not something that someone who is not ttc and just has serious boyfriends here and there wants to hear. I had a boyfriend but he never wanted kids. I would complain all the time to my best friend and my mom and have breakdowns about how badly I wanted children and I would always hear, "Don't worry, God has a plan" or, "Just, wait, what will be will be" and it was so frustrating. I wanted to snap back, "Well, God kinda sucks at planning, now doesn't he?" or "I am sick and tired of waiting, I have been waiting years and knowing I should just keep blindly waiting doesn't help any and sounds ridiculous.".

So I know how other people trying saying things that come off almost as uncaring because they don't acknowledge your feelings. It's a hard thing to accept. And I think if I found out early I might be disappointed either way because I would grieve the loss of not having the other child. My boyfriend only wants one right now. So it kinda helps that we are not finding out until delivery, that way, when I see that baby and hear what the gender is, my disappointment will be replaced with the strong love and adoration I will feel for that child. And while I may still feel slightly disappointed, I know I can look at my miracle child and feel truly thankful for what I do have.

Plus, we'd be buying gender non-specific colors so I won't feel like I am missing out on anything.

I will pray you get your girl. Please vent about this anytime, we understand what many people don't.
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  #16  
March 29th, 2012, 09:14 AM
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Thank ladies. I know most people don't know that their comments upset me and so for most, I kind of just shrug it off. People that know how much I want a daughter that make those comments are the ones that upset me, like my best friend. DH will be leaving the week before my appt (it's the 24th) and wont be home for about 4 weeks so I'll just be emailing him to tell him what we will be having. I still haven't said anything to my best friend about the comment because I don't know what to say. I know she just assumes I haven't said anything because DH just got home. I can't have them seal the gender in an envelope because I know I will be staring at the screen the entire time and after 3, I know what a boy looks like lol. One of my good friends is going with me to the ultrasound and she knows how much I want a daughter and knows what it will mean if it's a boy so she will be a big support, just not as much as DH. Thanks again and I'm praying for a little girl to complete our family. I really hope I'm not setting myself up for even more heartbreak... I can't help it but everything I think of the baby or even look at the ultrasound pictures, I think "girl".
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  #17  
March 29th, 2012, 10:02 AM
amazing_love's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Feel free to vent anytime you need to! We won't judge you here The others already summed it up really well. Your feelings are completely valid. I know that if this baby is a boy then i'll be really wanting a girl as my third and last child. For that reason i'm hoping this one is a girl so i can relax next time around and not care. I know i will be slightly disappointed at first if the screen shows a boy. I've completely convinced myself its a girl so it'll be strange at first if not. It does make it worse that everyone around me is saying how much they hope its a girl so i get that. I don't get why it really matters to a friend or someone at my church what gender i have. I won't let anyone IRL (other than DH and such) know i'm hoping either way because i know they'll just make it worse. I really hope you get your girl!!
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