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Already getting nervous about MIL visit


Forum: July, August & September 2012 Playroom

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  #1  
May 4th, 2012, 07:50 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Virginia
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So if you ladies remember, my MIL is a bit crazy. The last time she visited when we had a newborn was with DS#1 6 YEARS ago. It was horrible... DH was deployed, she wouldn't let me hold my son and when he spit up (he did that a lot) she freaked out, took him out to the car and wouldn't give him back until she thought he was fine. Now DH will be home this time but I'm still getting nervous (I don't want her visiting until DH goes back to work so that we get some just us, family time). She doesn't acknowledge me as the mom for one... she would take off in the mall when shopping with DS in hand or she would take off with the stroller and not worry about where I was at. People would have to ASK if I was the mother because she would say that her son just had a baby (she also posted on facebook saying "I'm having a granddaughter" apparently I'm the incubator). I'm always the comforter when the kids get hurt... they always want me and that's my thing is to make them feel better. MIL will snatch them up and it's like a battle for me to get them even if they are trying to come to me. I'm nervous that she will snatch Kara from me and just the thought is making me upset. Its one thing for her to hold Kara, it's another for me NOT to get to because she wont LET me. With DS#1, she would hover over me while I breastfed and then before I could even burp him, she would take him. She would leave him in soiled diapers because she didn't want to hand him to me to change him. She TOLD me that I needed to pump and let her feed him even though he was only a week old.

I know there is time but time will go fast and I'm already nervous and not sure what to do when the time comes. The entire week she was there with DS#1, I was miserable and just wanted to hold my baby but couldn't. Any suggestions on how to calm myself or what to do to prevent issues?
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  #2  
May 4th, 2012, 07:58 AM
3Sapphires's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I would be anxious too! I think I would rather her visit when your DH is there. I know it wouldn't be ideal for the family bonding time, but I really would want him there to back me up and tell her to knock it off!

I hope she behaves herself...
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  #3  
May 4th, 2012, 08:12 AM
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What about calling her beforehand and saying something like, "I am so glad you are coming, the boys are really looking forward to it and since I'm going to be so busy with the new baby, they've already started talking about all the things they want to do with you!"

It's not the most direct approach, but I have a difficult MIL as well, and I've found that in order to keep the peace, sometimes it works to make sure she feels wanted and needed, but in a way that's actually my choice. (And, this way she's actually helping!)
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  #4  
May 4th, 2012, 08:24 AM
Mrs_Crystal_K's Avatar Super Mommy
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Yikes! That doesn't sound pleasant at all, I would also be very anxious. Is your DH on board with your feelings? I think it would help a lot if he had your back and could stand up to his mom if she gets out of line. This is YOUR and DH's baby, not hers. I know you want to be respectful of your MIL but you are TOTALLY allowed to have boundaries.
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  #5  
May 4th, 2012, 08:37 AM
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Honestly I would set firm boundaries and let them be known. If it was me I would tell her that if she can't or wont abide by those boundaries then she will have to find another place to stay. Then she can visit, but if she steps over the boundaries she will be asked to leave. With people like that you have to be straight up and to the point. If you try to hint at it then she will just ignore you and pretend that she doesn't get it even if she does. My MIL was the same way. I just ignored her, and wouldn't let her do anything with my baby. If she was going to try to keep me from my own child then there was no way in heck I was going to let her hold the baby. She finally got over it and realized that if she would just chill out then she would be able to hold the baby. I would also make sure that your dh is the one that puts the boundaries out there, and that he enforces them. If he can't stand up for you with her there at that time then she doesn't need to be there during that time. Sorry I am a little cranky about this subject because my MIL was telling me (not asking) the other day that if I have the baby before she goes back to school in the fall she will come down here.
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  #6  
May 4th, 2012, 08:41 AM
AmyT's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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First thing is I would discuss with DH about when it's time to breastfeed that you go to a different part of the house to have time with baby. Since MIL is there you can leave her in charge of the boys. I would go to my room or baby's room and LOCK the door. You will be able to relax a lot more, burp baby, change baby, and just get as much time to yourself as you need! I hope she doesn't get too out of hand and that your DH can help buffer the MIL!
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  #7  
May 4th, 2012, 09:32 AM
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I am not on speaking terms with my inlaws, but if my MIL ever tried that crap I would freak out and probably smack her.

Sorry you have to deal with all of that, but I hope she isn't nearly as intense this time around.
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  #8  
May 4th, 2012, 09:43 AM
curlygirl77's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Woah. First of all you are better than me. Cos she sure as he** wouldn't be visiting me this time!

Are you sure your dh will back you up? You would probably need to have a long talk before she arrives and set some ground rules and boundaries. Maybe she would listen better if they came from her son. I don't know how you dealt with that honestly, I would have been a wreck. What an appalling way to treat the mother of your grandchild!
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  #9  
May 4th, 2012, 09:48 AM
one.juniper's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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If I had gone through that horrible experience I'd be saying she couldn't come back >.<. I wish you all the best of luck and you really need to prepare yourself to stand your ground with her. You know whats coming this time so you can be ready to fend her off.

Maybe you need to have a conversation with her before she arrives and set down some ground rules about who is the parent in the household.
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  #10  
May 4th, 2012, 09:52 AM
momma_d's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I would be anxious about that too! I think everyone has given really great advice. But I do totally agree that DH needs to set firm boundaries with her. There is no way in *that really hot place* that I would ever let my MIL pull that crap with me!

I think that if she knows what is acceptable and not acceptable up front before she comes, it will save from drama and fights when she is there, because if you are hormonal and exhausted after the baby comes, that will just amplify everything making it worse.

I love the idea of going into a locked room to breastfeed the baby while she is there. That's what I used to do if we had visitors and I needed to feed Keira. It was nice to be able to get that little break and not have anyone bothering me! I can imagine that with 3 boys and a newborn that would also be a good way for you to just get a nice little break with baby as well!

I really hope you guys get something worked out before she comes! You don't deserve that kind of stress while trying to adjust to a new baby in the house!
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  #11  
May 4th, 2012, 11:54 AM
nroundtr's Avatar Veteran
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Everyone's given such great advice, I don't think I have anything to add. I definitely commiserate, though, and I hope that all the dread will be for nothing and your boys will be enough to keep her busy for the time she's with you!
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